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How To Organise Potluck’s With Il Side People

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Oct 14, 2019.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Just a year or so ago we had a potluck celebration at home...Frankly speaking I was not interested in it because none of them invite us for lunch or dinner etc anytime..H and in laws invited about 15 relatives for it. Planning was ok w.r.t food items that each person would bring...But it didn’t go well because at the last minute 3 of them didn’t turn up due to some health reason..at the last minute..
    10 plus people turned up...along with kids...really had a tough time because they didn’t bring appropriate food quantity as required ..and one of them just brought small quantity of sabji which won’t be enough for 2-3 people..one of them just did half of The food prep at home, prepared the entire dish in our kitchen using our utensils and ingredients etc..I mean when they know those many people are there they need to bring food accordingly right...so maximum food prep and cooking had to be done by me and MIL..we ended up making food quantity of special dishes for 7-8 people and it became difficult...and despite my displeasure everyone made my H to spend huge amount of money on dessert and ice creams for all...kids made quite a mess...
    At the end of the pot luck all left and I was already tired from getting up early and cooking and then cleaning up mess ...and cleaning up the enormous number of utensils..I.e vessel so used by relative to make her dish..then each person’s steel plate, glass, cup, food spilt by kids etc..
    Wash rooms too became wet and messy as many people used and I had to clean...
    As usual maid refused to turn up to wash vessels as she had already come in early morning and refused to do extra work if guests come..then I had to clear up entire thing...
    Any fun that I’d have had with people coming over evaporated with amount of work to be done...
    Now, again they are planning some potluck with 10 to 15 relatives at our place..and not ready to use disposable plates or glasses as no one likes...all prefer to use steel plates and glass only that’s the issue..for food and tea coffee anything...
    I’m really not interested in another pot luck..because the same thing will happen again..how do I tactfully convince against the idea...and I feel they keep potluck then not to keep at our place but at others relatives place?
    It’s not that I don’t like mingling or socialising..but I can’t be a good host if I’m drained out by chores right..now do I handle...need to handle situation diplomatically so they understand that I too shouldn’t be overloaded..
     
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  2. IL86

    IL86 Silver IL'ite

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    @Needtobestrong , there seems to be lack of understanding of work involved for you from your family going by the threads you have mentioned about hosting frequently or they simply don't care about you, when the first incident happened did you express your displeasure in front of your DH and in laws? And when something like that happened you should have left the mess as it is at least for a day, so that everyone else in home should have impacted . You cannot change this situation by talking diplomatically you need to be upfront and tell exactly what you have experienced as you mentioned in the thread and say no hosting at your place at any cost, it should be at someone else place this time. If they still insist just plan a vacation on same day to your parents place. They won't be bothered for your cribbing as long as the work is getting done,the only way to change this is stop doing that additional work. Otherwise it will continue forever and if you age faster and get weaker by this they will not be looking after you. Look after yourself.
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2019
  3. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    Suggest all going out to a nearby picnic spot. That way you will be saved on the clean up or making extra food last minute. You might have to compromise on dh spending extra money on buying dessert or snacks but hey something's gotta give. Also tell MIL and DH about the troubles they faced like "mummy I hated to see you do so much cooking. I am young can handle burden for a day but not good for you right?" Tell hubby it's not about expenses but him running errands instead of having fun made you sad. So suggest we go to one of their places or a neutral outdoor location for a change.
    If you can't convince them, call the relatives a day before and casually discuss the preparation starting with what you are making how much quantity and just randomly blurt out I am also thinking of doing some prep just in case some drop out like last time. That should give them a nudge in the right direction. Make a menu that does not require much work like paav bhaji where you can buy parab and only make bhaji.
     
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Agree with @meVaidehi ....you can say ,potluck at home is so boring....lets have it somewhere outside.
     
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  5. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Pretend as if you are sick only then such people will realise, let them do whatever potluck they want.

    Next time if they say they want to cook at your home tell them that kitchen is closed no more cooking and tell instead of slogging in the kitchen let’s have some fun and play some games, Antakshari etc.

    And take the responsibility of cooking main items like rice, sambar so by chance even if they get small quantity you need not cook again.

    Tell them directly that last time there was shortage of food so ask them to get more food.
     
  6. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Tell your husband directly you can't do it at your home this time because of the extra chores and it should rotate among the 10-15 relatives

    He will find a way to tell it diplomatically to mumma. Not your worry to be diplomatic .

    Pass the ball to his court.
     
  7. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Looks like they got the concept of potluck all wrong.

    Potlucks are done in turns, n not target only one house, or done even in public places like parks, beaches, any picnic spots.
    It’s done to reduce the work of everyone n that everyone should contribute. N not pile on n torture the host n destroy their house. I remember staying n cleaning up with friends almost every time. Those relatives / friends are supposed to help you, not burden.

    Never do it at your house.
    - If no choice, pay the maid extra n make her hang around n clean up.
    - Disposables has to be used
    - you WONT clean up or cook for the slackers

    Plan the menu with starters, main course n desserts n assign to each person, that’s how we generally do as well.

    Tell the number of people in advance, count the kids, n add extra headcount, as it generally adds on at your place. If it’s 50 people, say 55, or even 60 (this is after hearing about the lady who got sabji for lesser than 2-3 ppl).

    Since you are 15 families, assign 5 for starters, 5 for main course, 5 for desserts. This avoids the extra expense, someone can even be assigned icecream. In potluck, whoever doesn’t cook, buys.

    There’s also money split that happens, so instead of anyone making anything, everyone pays money, n they order food from a local restaurant. There are even live counters that can be setup at home or usual order n deliver. It’s possible in any price range, low to high. This option works when people doesn’t bring food or brings less food for potlucks.

    If your family aren’t supporting you with anything. DONT clean up, leave to your moms place or fake something urgent n leave after the party n come the next day or even later. Or fake sickness n chill in your room. Anyway your maid returns the next day morning. If you don’t let your family feel the pain even when you try so hard to make them understand, then they will never realise ‘how bad it actually is’. So they should feel the downside too.
     
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  8. mangaii

    mangaii Gold IL'ite

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    .
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2019
  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    You have to pay maid etc money for extra work. She is already poor and working to make money
     
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  10. mangaii

    mangaii Gold IL'ite

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    If you can only remember the highlighted parts after a year then it is high time you put your foot down and cancel it.
     
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