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How to live happily with an unloving spouse?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by unhappywife, Dec 15, 2011.

  1. unhappywife

    unhappywife Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Everyone,

    I am sure the answers to the question " How to live happily with an unloving spouse/unhappy marriage?" would help everyone who sail in the same boat.

    In a brief, my husband doesn't bother to ask me when I am in pain. But this doesn't apply to his parents or friends or colleagues. But anyway I got used to this kind of behavior. I no longer tell him if i am sick or even my parents or sick.

    He is silent and reserved. This is to me and not to his parents/friends. He doesn't like to share much of his office things /happenings with me and also very reserved type. This was not the case when we were newly married. Anyway I am the only one who initiates communication about kids. Even if i ask about his project, it will be a one word/one line answer. These days I prefer browsing IL rather than yearning for him to talk.

    He doesn't like me holding hands or a small hug in public or even at home in front of kids. He says he doesn't like such things and pushes my hand away when i touch him. I got used to this too.. In early months of marriage, he was the one who used to do such things. Now I got used to it and I don't hold his hand anymore.

    He doesn't appreciate anything. Even if its a good food, he won't even say a word. If I ask, he will just shake his head and move on. I told him I am offended. But he says he is like that. I have stopped asking him about the food that I cook (No matter what special item I cook, i keep quiet).

    But with this kind of spouse, I am not happy. Although he helps me with kids (bathing, feeding and stuff) and house cleaning and other stuff, still his behavior is what that keeps me sad. Any of you'll or senior ILites, provide me with good suggestions to keep myself happy and contented with an unexpressive spouse.
     
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  2. deepa10

    deepa10 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear unhappywife (personally I feel u shud change this name, things can change at anytime),
    Its very much understandable how you would feel when your husband acts so! But you have also mentioned that he was not like this in the early stages of marriage. Were there any major misunderstandings/problems in between and he changed so? Also you have mentioned that he wont be like this with his parents/siblings. So just thought of asking whether there is any reason behind all this?

    Also if you have some time and if u feel that he is in normal mood, you can probably go and ask him softly why he is behaving so and how much you would like to talk and laugh with him? Also ask him to forgive yourself if you have had done any thing without your knowledge which has affected him. Ask him what are his expectations in this life with you and how long he can be like this without sharing anything. You both are married and sharing your life till now and will be doing this for many more years.He is going to spend most of his lifetime with you and there should be mutual understanding/love/care between you people.

    I would suggest you to open up and tell your mind clearly to him and ask him to speak up as well. tell him he cannot live like this forever. At least when your kids are grown up, he has to answer them for his behaviors right?
     
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  3. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    Good pointers, Deepa!

    OP:
    Is there a big reason for such a sudden change? If there isnt how about going through some therapy? Some wounds may heal?
    Also, if it has been going on for many years, have you thought about whether you want to continue in this marriage or not? I do not want to say, take up hobbies, or take up a job if you are not working and all that! Because, it does hurt to live with an indifferent spouse! Hugs! Stay strong. Open up and talk to him too. Some open communication may bring about things that have not been dusted for a really long time.
     
  4. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Why did his behaviour change so suddenly? You must try to find out why he has singled you out for his aloofness.You should also do some introspection as why all this has happened.Also have a frank talk and ask why he has changed.
    One cannot spend 30-40 years of married life immersed in hobbies without any companionship.
    If you are not good terms with his family then it could be a reason.Or there could be a third person on the scene.
     
  5. puspita

    puspita Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Unhappywife

    as every1 had asked....I also have the same question, why ur husband changed like this??
    some men are reserved, calm by nature, If he is like this then it shd not be a big problem...
    But u told he is not like this with his family and friends...so Im really confused...
    Just sit and analyze urself...have u done something which he dislikes??
    and the most imp point is u have not told anything about you...I mean how u were in early days, did u change a lot after kids ...so pls share these things...
     
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  6. unhappywife

    unhappywife Silver IL'ite

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    Dear All,

    Thanks for your replies. Before marriage I could say, just 6 months after engagement, he had all this type of holding hands and stuff.. Now its 7.5 years of marriage. 2 Kids at home. He says thats how the men at his house are.. His brother doesn't display any such affection to his wife nor his dad..

    After 2 kids, he feels somewhat uncomfortable holding my hand and even in public places.. If i hold, he moves off..

    He never used to talk well with his parents when they were with us in India.. I have never seen him asking about his mom's health when they were together. Now that we came to US and he talks only once a week, he asks them about their health if they are sick. Earlier, he never used to ask anything to his parents as well.. He won't even say a bye to them while leaving office. His siblings also don't interact with each other.. His brother never talks to him. He says we are that way but we still love each other. His sister talks occasionally..

    But this was not the case when i was pregnant. Until i were pregnant, even a small head ache, he will ask me take tablets and ask about my health.. Now kids are out and I feel he behaves like a typical chauvenistic indian man who feels low to ask about wife's health..

    He shares some important things like if a boss talks about a promotion or when there is a potluck at office. He says there is nothing much. I am busy with work.. What is there to tell every moment. If something is there in the news, like an accident or earth quake, i tell him. He says "yes i read it in the moring" I wonder why he didnt feel like sharing. He says " I thought you would have read the news"..

    He says you can never change me. I am like this , i don't like holding hands and such stuff.. Otherwise, he makes coffee, cereals for me, does homework for kids, bath them after coming home from office while i am cooking, change diapers and do almost all the work. He helps with cooking and stuff if i am sick and want to take rest..

    Takes us for long drive and vacations when there is a long leave, gives me pocket money.. But i feel sad, when he doesn't bother to check when I am sick, he doesn't comment when I dress up well, he doesn't appreciate my cooking efforts.. When he eats food at restaurants, he comments about their cooking (be it good or bad).. I think to myself why doesn't he say such things at home..

    I don't want to force him to change. I wonder is there any way to make him understand there is nothing wrong in holding hands in front of kids or in public places... I don't think he will ever change.. Rather I want to live happily without expecting such things.. Is there any way to live without such expectations? I think ILites would be the best to answer..
     
  7. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Not always there is a reason why some men decide to be cold to their wives while being perfectly normal to friends and others in the family. Its a cruel game and I have seen it being played.
    @OP if the post was about whether you should continue in this marriage my feed back would be very different .But since its about what u should do to remain happy...all I can suggest would be this...take up serious hobbies and volunteer ur time to the needy. This wont fill up the void but it will take the edge off and you might at least have something to look forward to each day.
     
  8. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    OP:

    I feel like you are trying to look for problems when there is none. Apart from him not asking you about your health, I do not find him 'unloving' at all from your description!
    What are your expectations on him?
    Appreciate the little things you do? Ask you about your health when you are sick? - These are not very unfair expectations and please do talk to him about it! Maybe he grew out of holding hands? So what? How does that make you come to this conclusion of him not being in love with you?
     
  9. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP

    I don't see any major problem in your marriage the way you have described about your dh. He helps you with kids, chores, supports you well, only sprk/romance in marriage is missing which is very common after kids are born. Many indian housewives are very good mothers but neglect their own health, appearance after delivery. everything is very natural, I have also gone through these phases. All senior ILs will give you many advices but my 2 cents into it. Can you think about joining any job which will keep you mentally busy and satisfied. That way you will be active, emotionally/financially independant, you will meet many people at work that will refresh your mind. IF not job join Gym which has daycare. It will surely refresh your mind and boost your energy.

    I have read from some posts where men complain that romance ended in marriage because their wife became just mother (not their girlfriend). How about you take initiate, try to recreate same romance with your hubby, change your appearance, be active, make more friends where you can keep kids for play dates and you can go out with your dh for movie or dinner? Don't talk negative about anybody (especially his family ) usually that turns off men.
     
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  10. sangea

    sangea Silver IL'ite

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    hi ,

    Here are my 2 cents.. I am not an expert in giving advice but I believe tat we women have the secret ingredient.
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2011

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