How To Keep Appropriate Distance?

I've read your previous posts too. Hopefully things are good between your H and you... Because that is what should matter to you. But from your previous posts it did not feel like he was supportive. If things have changed and he's now supportive... You should do everything in y our power to maintain the status quo. The ILmembers will come in with lot of advice I'm sure. You can even read up advices to your past posts.


But that's not what I want to tell you. My advice is you should have self respect. You should not let them take it for granted.Are you working now? If not I don't know what is stopping you from taking up job. That is what most women will advice you here I'm sure. So you should think of this.

Just don't give them the satisfaction of hurting you. Show them you don't care what they think of you. Then they will stop with this nonsense.

 

Once my husband asked me(during early marriage days) " did you talk you my mom ? Did u call my sisters ?"
I asked him "did u call my mom? Did you call my sister ? forget calling have you ever asked me how they are doing in this one year . ? " he didn't answer nor expected an answer from me.
Initially he was like that. Plan only for his family. Talk only about his family . When it came to my family there was no discussion.
To change that attitude and bring that equality I have put a lot of effort from my side.
Some suggestions .
1) to start with can you ask your parents to come n stay with you in the foreign country you stay? If not for long duration like 6 months ask them to come for 1 or 2 months.
2) When your parents are around pull your husband into any small conversation with them. Like ask his suggestion. "can we do this, do that ,do u have a different idea etc" in front of your parents.
3) involve him in your weekly video calls with them. Teach him to ask basic courtesy questions about their health , well-being etc. Let the conversation be small for 2 mins only but let him talk everytime u r on a call.
4) start sharing some childhood stories with him. Like your dad/ mum did this. Let it conclude like "how much of an important role your parents have played in your life ".
Share some funny incidents with him about your mom and dad and what u did as a child.
5) get your in laws to talk to your parents on occasions. If they stay in same cities ask your parents to invite them to small functions and festivals. This way they will bond and your hubby will at least notice that.
6) your other problem I see is you feel left out because you try to do the same as he's doing to you. This will not work and backfire as they will take advantage of this and they will use you to their advantage .

Work on tactfully changing his attitude towards your family.

 

@Anusha2917 has given great ideas.

The key here is equality. You Dh is not going to bring the equality, you have to. Your DH and inlaws are not going to give equality on a platter, you have to shove it down their throat and make them digest it. Indian parents dont teach all this and expect son to ignore his inlaws. But as a wife you have to teach.

Include him in weekly phone calls, set a rule that his parents can come for 3 months and your parents will come for 3 months each year, when are you visiting 50% of the time be with your parents. Show old albums and educate him about your parents and upbringing. Its a huge undertaking and you DH will sulk a lot but end of the day he will know that you are determined and budge.

Or easy route is to ignore his parents and treat them just like how your DH is treating his parents. But since they are in US for 6 months, you will be the one who is going to be lonely and suffer. So better take the tough route and educate your DH as to how to mingle with inlaws and have a balanced relationship with parents and inlaws.

 

This is 100 % true.
No matter how modern/forward thinking these men boast of at the end of the it's our efforts which matters in situation like this.
Doesn't happen with one or two attempts. Everytime there's a chance you have to put that effort in making that point clear "my family is also important for US".
Can't expect men will be born which such qualities. We have to change them step by step.

 

If I were you I would make sure that the connection / conversations with my parents continue when the in laws are here. Once a week of “ I have to talk to my parents, so please eat out or please put munni to sleep “ should convey the message that your parents are important. So chores can wait. There is no need to beg or plead for the husband to talk to your parents. Meanwhile, don’t feel pressured to cater to his parents all the time either .
Your husbands silent treatment is a whole another issue. It is not tied to his love for his parents but more to him having his way in everything. The extra attention to his parents and subsequent ignoring of you is purely emotional manipulation .

 

Unless the man stays with PILS its not easy to form a friendship, especially if he is staying away from wife's parents. So its not so easy. But women after marriage stay with PILs so they form an acquaintance. Even if not they are expected to form one. Unfortunately this setup makes all these issues.

What you can do.. Dont change who you are and what you normally do during in laws visit. Showing lack of confidence or aloof wont help. You can be happy as usual but maintain distance. But participate in everything as usual. Talk as usual to your parents when pils are there. If you stop its your problem. No need to blame others for it. Once in a while keep speaker phone on and involve everyone in phone call. Let PILs talk to your parents and h like that. You can ask dh in their presence to talk to parents. Its up to him to talk or not. But dont expect it. No need to leave what you like to do. He can decide what to do. Always keep phone in speaker mode in this case. Talking and discussing about why he dont end up in more cold fronts. Better avoid. Do it in smart way. If you want to talk to your parents not in their presence, then lock door and talk whenever you want.

Take care of your parents like the way you want. You can control only what you do. If you do video call every week do that as usual even when they are here.

Learn to talk and behave normal when they are there. Do minimum as usual. As they are here every six months try to be a friend of them than a servant. Participate in their discussions instead of running way. Sit with all of them. Ask help when ever needed. Maintain that confidence in your attitude and body language. Always remember they are your PILs not parents, maintain that respectable distance.

Running away from the problem is not a solution in your case.