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How To Identify 'mean' Person Or Camaflouged Person

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Vedhavalli, Dec 14, 2019.

  1. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Gold IL'ite

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    How you can really get into my mind and answer like an elder sister??
    Next time when someone ask me favors, which I feel no. I will imagine throwing null pointer exception!! Boom.
    "It is fine to say no to a genuine request from those you don't know well enough. They will find another option. People always do."
    I failed to understand or realise it.
    My thought was it harmless maybe she tried her close friends, what's wrong in helping. But such people give hard lessons.
    Making me a complete different person.
    To many people I may give a feeling of tough person. I think it's the part of growing up I believe.
    I'm writing a rule book for myself, code of conduct for my peace and my home peace.
    I don't do playdates at home anymore stopped a year back. Rain or shine only outdoors or indoor play area.
    I stopped helping around with not so known persons.
    One lesson learnt not to bring other's kids without prior commitment.
    Again my only question is how can they ask me favor, without consideration?
     
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2019
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  2. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Gold IL'ite

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    I was fretting this incident to a good friend, she told me some thing similar.
    Where two close friends for 8 yrs, one had picked up other's kid without a car seat , worst was she got ticket for 250$ which the kid's parents refused to pay. The first friend went to pick other'schild, if she hasn't gone she wouldn't have to get ticketed. Both families stopped talking after exchange of bitter words.
    Taking responsibility of other's kid is huge unwanted risk.
     
  3. googleearth

    googleearth Silver IL'ite

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    I have a different perspective 1. Was it big inconvenience for you to do this pick up? 2. The errand that you were suppose to do could that easily be switched to other day? 3. Was that child unbearable or did your child have a good time at home since she had an unplanned play date? I know you are feeling used but I think you should grow a thick skin and also not be so sensitive. That lady went to party who told you that? Were you complaining about the same thing to someone and were they trying to gaslight you because it is fun to see people rallied up? I am sure that this lady did not just plan to be obnoxious and called you at the spur of the moment because that is a big risk she is taking with her child's security. May be her actual pick up person bailed (like husband got caught in a meeting). You can feel good that she thought of you, she trusted you and thinks you are a person who can take care of the most precious thing for her. And once she knew her child was safe she was a bit relaxed. Since the child told you mom was going to come home at night may be that was the plan the original person picking up was suppose to stay with child and mom could stay out late but since that did not work she left early from supposedly party and getting out was not very easy. May be she was not at a party but at some embarrassing doctors appointment which she could not tell you about which got prolonged. So my point is be positive instead of trying to find the bad in people try finding the good in people too give them some benefit of doubt and unless it is totally unbearable there is no need to go to extremes to cut ties with everyone you know in this alien country and be a hermit.
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    When she came to pick up the child at 7:30, the conversation would normally include why she needed the help and why she was late. She might not tell you the real reasons, but a "I had a dentist appointment... sorry I am late as <this> happened" is expected.

    So, since she isn't a working mom, and it is the season for office parties, looks like her husband's office had an early evening party, and she went to that. Didn't want to spend money on a babysitter who can pickup her child and take her home.

    Feeling used is not a good feeling, and your reaction is understandable, as is the fact that you cannot reliably identify the genuineness of a request.

    One thing that I now remember doing about the late pickup after regular playdates is that I used to go drop off the child. The situation of me going to their house and no one there did not arise. I thought having to start my car, put the other child in a booster seat, and drive the one or half mile worth it for not waiting for the other mom/dad to come pick up.

    This is something you could use to vet similar one-time requests that come up in the future. First of all, don't imagine that mom is helpless and badly needs your help. Don't respond with a 'yes i will pick up' right away. After she states the time when she will pick up the child, I will pause, think, and say, "I am going to be stepping out around that time, how about I drop off <child> at your home at 6:30. I have to be at ... by 6:45." Her response to this can help in checking how sure she is of her return time. Before you end the conversation, you can both decide that she will pick up from your house, but the "I will drop your child" serves as a small test of how serious she is about the pick up time. If needed, you can also ask her, "If you are late, where can I drop your child? I do have to go out at 6:30 pm." A "will you be reachable by phone?" is also good to ask.

    All this conversation takes place before you say the final yes. And, if done smoothly, it will not seem like you are being difficult about a simple pickup.

    Usually, when a person makes such a request, they tell why they need it. If not, that itself is a good reason to refuse. My standard reason to refuse used to be, "I am going to .. straight from school after pick up." Plans change, if I later end up not going to that place, that is fine.
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2019
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    It is the driver's responsibility to make sure all children are in her car are in appropriate car seats. Even if the other parent says, "It is ok for my child to not be in a car seat for that short distance", the picking up parent should not take that risk.

    I did some carpool (against my better judgement and without getting much in terms of convenience). Both our kids needed booster car seats. I gave the other parent one booster for my child and took it back only during pre-school breaks. That child's booster seat travelled with him. At dropoff, I dropped off his booster at the preschool. One morning, I went to pick up and the dad said mom had taken the car with the boosters, so I would need to take the child to school without a booster seat. I said no can do. The dad called the mom... long story short.. that car pool fizzled out. I felt so stupid to be the stickler-for-rule parent while in fact I was the one who spent $20 and got an extra seat for mine to avoid such 'no car seat' situations.

    Potty training, playdates and carpool -- are things I am so glad to not have to do ever again.
     
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  6. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    @Vedhavalli take a chill pill. I see a consistent tone in your posts of you being the good person and everyone else trying to take advantage of you with a hidden agenda.

    First and foremost, take one-off incidents as just that, one-off. This was one time the mom asked you to watch her child, and she got held up somewhere.... that's all there needs to be to it. I think you will have a much easier time thinking about things that way instead of this constant feeling of being victimized!

    ALso, a lot of the people you describe as taking advantage of you, I actually see myself in them! I take a lot of favors from my friends who are able to give them, and I return those favors, may not be in the exact same way, but in a different way. So I like to believe it all balances out somewhere in the end. I certainly do not have any hidden agenda or trying to take advantage. I ask because I am usually in genuine need and like to believe my friends to because they have a genuine need also. Along the way, some things happen and one time I am a little inconvenienced and other times, they probably are. What's the huge deal? It seems like the amount of time you stew in this feeling of being taken for a ride has made you look at everyone in suspicion. Really, just cool down. People are not as bad as you think they are.
     
  7. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Gold IL'ite

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    Here I'm stressing the point of being told a lie. If she had called beforehand told me real reason I have no problem. She said she is an hour away but came after 4 hrs. Saying traffic, which is a pure lie. Why telling a lie ?
    She wasn't held up, it was all pre-planned, she didn't want to spend money on babysit.
    Plus she didn't pick my calls after picking the child. There was no sorry no thanks after picking child.
    The favors should be two way.
    Today morning at school she avoided me.
     
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  8. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Gold IL'ite

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    I have a learn a lot from such incidents.
    Because of such playdates I avoided having playdates at home, only go to playdates in park or common places. Not anyone's home or at my home.
    She wanted a person to do babysit n look after. Child created a ruckus was totally out of control.
    I asked her, why you didn't pick call , she coolly replied driving.
    True I should understand I'm not the only one to help around
     
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2019
  9. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Expecting someone to put 4 hours of their day on hold because of any reason, genuine or made-up, is an inexcusable imposition. If not handled with the requisite contrition, it would bruise all but the deepest friendships. Had I inconvenienced someone due to circumstances genuinely outside my control a) I would apologize profusely b) bring them some chai-samosa c) offer to babysit their kid if they ever needed it, probably all three; Not ignore their calls and avoid them the next time I run into them. Doesn't seem like @Vedhavalli 's neighbor did any of those so I would hesitate to offer that lady the benefit of the doubt.
     
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2019
  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    @Vedhavalli - I’ve had a lady have her son walk to my house for an entire academic year while she went to work. She wasn’t a good friend. Just an acquaintance and her son was my DD’s classmate. One time I had to go out somewhere and I called her to tell her she had to pick her son up from school because I wasn’t going to be home and was taking my DD with me. She told me, I wish you had given me a longer notice because I’m inconvenienced. Here I was providing free baby sitting service for the year and then this comes up. Once I wanted her to watch my son and she refused saying she had somewhere to go. I was taken aback. She called back later and watched my son. But then that was the end of my niceness with that lady. She did call me over a couple of times for dinner. Her son was a good kid. I didn’t have to do anything. In fact, he came and played with my son and helped my DD with HW. I might have provided him a snack but I do that for all children who come to my house. Overall, not too much of a hassle but still a taken advantage feeling.

    I have very good friends and great relationships outside of these few pesky people. I decided I didn’t need to be nice to everyone at all times. It’s a bitter lesson but it’s a lesson learned.

    Don’t dwell on this too much and feel bad but don’t forget the lesson. You probably have very good friends. Taking responsibility of others kids is a huge responsibility in itself. I would do it only for close enough friends. Otherwise, I would say I’m busy today and end the call. There are umpteen people to call, they will figure someone else out.
     

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