How To Handle?

Hi Friends,
This is going to be a long post. My apologies. Not a serious issue. But would be helpful if I understand mistakes from my side.

So, married for 13 years. Have 2 kids. He is good, no bad habits, mama's boy. It's an arranged marriage. We had lots of fights because of ILs in the first year. After that we were slowly settled down.

We were working in same company for 2 years. After 1st baby , I took 2 years leave to take care of baby and accompany him to onsite. Joined back in work but had to resign after 1 and half years as I had to take care of 2 kids now and he got next onsite.

After kids started full time schooling, I found a job here after 4 years break. It was very hard to find a job but I joined in a low level job for very less salary then got a good job. Worked for 4 years (42 months to be precise).

Now, because of some visa restrictions, I could not work for last 6 months and for coming next 6 months. But we have to pay £X to my visa sponsor every month. Husband also moved out of country for a year. He is getting good salary. But we are giving 2 rents + travel expenses(once a month) + money paid to my sponsor, bank balance is reducing rapidly. But we were well aware of the situation and decided to go ahead. but this is temporary. Once this issue is solved, I am going to join my previous job as its still vacant. And he got enough savings in his account.Thing is we could not save anything this year.

From the beginning , husband takes care of finance. He maintains my account. I have a Debit card which I use for shopping / taking out petty cash. Remaining things he takes care. I never think my money / his money etc. I have some £X in my account which would be just enough to pay for my sponsor fee for next 6 months. I dont have any other money. House rent / food / Council tax has to come from his account.

So this is the background. BTW he got me a diamond ear ring 3 months ago ( dont want to paint a negative image, so I am mentioning. he bought me lots of jewels)

I have 2 sisters and my mom is retired. My father passed away when I was in college. For my 1st sister's marriage I presented a 32g chain , just to share my mother's expenses. This was 9 years ago. 2nd sister is disabled. She had a operation 3 years ago and it costed 10L. Again, I gave my mother 2L as I always feel I should contribute something when my mother have big expenses like this. Apart from this, I used to send them little gifts twice year like saree.

Last week we had a argument about buying a house and husband was telling I have to contribute 50%. I told him, ok take from my money. He was telling you have spent all your money , nothing left in your account. It was long fight lasted for 3,4 days in phone and I told him I cant afford that much money , so I don't want a house. At old age, I will go back to my mother's house and dont want any right in the house that he is going to build.

Last year my sister got a alliance and I was working at that time. I told her, I would buy 40g chain for her. Now her marriage is fixed with another guy. this time I didnt tell anything as I am not working and husband already warned me, dont promise anything. But sister got upset , because for first sister I presented a chain. this time I am not telling anything. She stopped talking to me and texting me.

So I asked him what shall we do for wedding. He said same as first sister. So I told my mother I would buy something around 4 pavun. Then my mother asked me how much money I need for dress for my family. I told her , if you buy for us, it would cost you more. so, give some amount. We'll add more if required. She said is 20K ok for 4 of you? I said ok. that's enough.

Ok, it's been 8 years since I attended any wedding and dont know when would be the next wedding We moved out of India 8 years ago. So all my sarees are more than 8 years old . I buy one saree every trip. So, taken 3 cotton sarees / 2 silk sarees in these 8 years, they are very simple ones. I always wanted to buy some grand sarees/ new designs that my other relatives/friends wearing in weddings.

I asked my husband, I need to buy some new sarees for wedding as there is a engagement before wedding, then 2, 3 days functions after marriage. He said I would give you 1L, you have to buy jewel for your sister and complete all the purchase for you and kids. I said it would take around 96K for jewel itself. he said, then you have to ask your mother for more money. another option is u can reduce on jewel side. I didnt want to do that as I already promised my mother. I told him I need to buy 2, 3 dresses for my daughter. all dresses are expensive like 4k / 5k. Again he told , I cant spend my money on your sisters wedding. I said ok, I wont buy any saree for me. I can wear my old sarees. with my share, I can buy for my daughter. he said he was fine with that. It was a shame to my mom and not for him.

He came home this week end. I told him in a calm voice, you dont know how to talk. when there is a wedding in family after 9 years , you have to tell like how much money do you need for the wedding? buy what you want but instead you are fighting with me and spoiling my excitement. I tried to let him know my expectation. I didnt want to start a fight when he came home for just 2 days. But again he shouted like we have to take flight tkts, you wanted to gift your sister on top of that you want to spend on dress as well. Am I printing currency? I cant waste my money like that. I couldnt control my tears and said, ok I dont want your money. then he was shouting like i give you my card, you can spend how much ever you like. But I am not coming home again. Again, I said, I dont want any of your money. he was shouting again, saying dont show your face to me, go and cry somewhere else.

I didnt talk to him for 1 day but next day I tried to be normal. I am with kids. but he is alone and coming home for once a month. Already I have decided to stop talking about house/ property / his mother and now adding one more thing money. but I dont know, whom I have to ask if I require money?

He left yesterday and while leaving, he was telling if you need anything you have to ask me in a sweet voice. then I would buy for you.

I really dont understand. one thing is he doesnt want to do anything for my side. but not realizing I also have commitments towards my parents/ sisters and I also earned . I agree this is difficult time. but whats the point of suffering in this cold country if you couldnt afford some good dress for a wedding?

Not only clothes. I need money for other expenses as well. If my mother asks me to get something from shop, I can not go and say give money for shopping/ give money for auto ... If I take my sister to beauty parlour, I can not ask my mother for money. It would be silly. but I am going 2 weeks before marriage. so dont know what to do?

Everyone going for brother/ sister s wedding have to buy their flight tkts/ buy gift / spend something on clothes , rgt? Am I over expecting anything? How are you people managing?

I dont want to ask for money again from him. I have these options

- As I said him, no new saree for me. But what relatives would think if I go in a saree bought 8 years ago? I convinced my mom that I am going to wear my wedding saree that I am not getting a chance to wear it. But relatives would expect me a wear a new saree atleast for reception / previous day.

- I can get a loan by pledging my jewellery(given by mom) and repay once I get back to work. But I cant do this without my mothers knowledge.

- I can sell some of my jewels and use that money.


What hurts me more is, the way he talks. He always under estimate my contribution in family finance. He always say what did you earn? If I say him I worked for this many months and earned X , he is upset because I am calculative about my money . he says he will never accept my contribution, because he is always earning more than me and contributing more.

He always expects me to request for things from him. which I hate. I have my self respect. He thinks he always get me jewels. So, I should be grateful to him. But I think, ok you got me jewels. but my contribution is also there. but you feel happy that you bought for me, let it be. I am not telling him though..

I am living alone in a foreign country with kids. No relatives / friends near by. I am not earning now. This is the time I feel very weak and fragile. But he hurts me so much when I am weak. Couldnt even tell my family all these dramas. sometimes I feel so lonely.

Dont know, is this common? Or am I over reacting? All these would be avoided if my sister got married when I was working. I mentioned this to my husband and he was telling it doesnt make a difference. he would have told the same thing. Till now, he thinks I am creating unnecessary issue. there is nothing wrong in what he told. He never said sorry.

Thanks for reading this long post. Is there anything wrong in a way I communicate? I didnt fight with him or commanded him to give money. Both the times I started conversation in a quiet voice. But he became aggressive .

The world seems so unfair.

 

Dear Dishaa,

Thanks for your reply .

My 2nd sister is little bit immature. She thinks that I dont like the groom thats why I am not gifting her. I am not taking that as big issue.

1st sister recently had her baby in ivf with lot of medical expenses. She is not in a situation to help mom financially. Even otherwise they will always play the we are suffering card.

My mom... what to say? My mom and sisters know that I am not working. Mom knew the situation. But she indirectly and then directly told me to give some money to 1st sister. After having big argument with DH I gave her 25k few months back. Even this time, my mom has been asking what I am going to do for the wedding? She was quiet only after I told her I am going to gift chain. dont know why, but she doesn't think about my situation. but she consider 1st sister as poor. I am not telling about the issues I am having with my husband . so they think he is too good and I am the one not having big heart to give to them and I am the one who is calculative. And she may think she made me study, I earned quite a good money here and I have a duty to help her( my mil plays this card very often)

DH always think I am giving my mom and sisters too much, but they are not giving me anything in return. One way it is true, they ask for lot of stuff from me. But when I visit them, they won't even gift me a saree for 500Rs. But mom would gift dress for kids. My mom never gave me anything for me after marriage. she would do , if a formality required to do so.

Coming ILs. I dont have good relationship with them because of issues they created in my marriage for dowry. So, I would go there. stay for max 1 hr and goes back to my home. They wont talk to me ask, any questions. They wont even talk to themselves in my presence. But tell DH that they love me as daughter, but I am the one not talking to them. DH always thinks I should go and talk to them nicely and after a recent india trip things are worse. To add, we went to India 4 months back. Me and kids came back after 3 weeks. but DH stayed there for 2 months as he got some work there. MIL used that time very effectively. The one coming back is not the same person.

During this trip, DH presented an A/C to mil for 35k. He didnt discuss with me about this. When I came to know and asked him, he lied that their parents paid for A/c he only accompanied them. Later he agreed but said he was scared to tell me. I never said he should not give to his parents. MIL and DH had been flying between my hometown and Chennai unneccessarily. DH said, he was fulfilling his mother's wish to fly( she already travelled so many times). When I ask him, arent they unneccessary, he said, he was earning and all the right to spend for his mother. I dont have any right to talk about how he spends his money.


DH gave all his savings before marriage to his parents and they bought a house (85% by DH, 15% by FIL) in MILs name and IL's are getting the rent for all these years. Apart from the rent , DH used to send them money every month. We wont send anything like that to my family whether I am working or not. If we compare, IL s are enjoying so much. In laws have been threatening husband for quite few years that they wont give that house to him. But this time, they have transferred it to his name. still they are getting the rent. But they are giving similar houses to my 2 BILS(without any contribution). So, DH is not getting any inherited property where as his brothers are getting. They are suggesting DH to build 3 or 4 houses in that land again the deal is, they will get rent of one house.

After they transfer the house, DH treats them like god. I dont see why. In one argument, he told me that was a house he presented his mother with his earning before marriage. I dont have any right to talk about that house. I said ok, I will not talk about that house , I dont even visit that house and I am not talking about it after that argument.


When ever I am earning it is our money. When I am not working its his money.

I dont know where I am going? I dont have any right in his money, his property. I dont earn now. My mom wont help me as she is thinking I am super rich. Just living for my kids.

Thanks again.

 

I

I can. But that would spoil his image and my mom would say no. Let me see. I can change some of my jewel to new design so they won't recognize. Thanks for your suggestion.

 

Thanks for the reply Sandycandy. You are right. I am not going to ask anything from him. Saree part , I dont regret. I have enough sarees .