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How to handle twin babies? confused!!

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by babyhopes, Jan 7, 2012.

  1. babyhopes

    babyhopes Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear all,
    I have typed these issues so many times! but never posted here considering something on mind! And I finally wanted to vent out or can even say share to my fellow IL.Pls hammer me if am wrong and advise.:bonk:hide:

    I have ~1 month old twin babies(boy and girl).
    We are living abroad and my mother is here with us.Myself and my mother dont have a good relationship since my early pregnancy.Because we planned my delivery here itself(she liked first,and dont later!!) and my mother was very much eager to come here.After reaching here,she got bored in a week and started showing bad face on me and she dint take care of any,i did all house chores by myself during day time,she wont talk to me,once my DH back from office she will pretend like being normal(but my DH knows everything happening at home!!) She used to say once babies are born she wont be bored and she cares abt none! that is past!:bowdown

    And now i have issue on how my mother handling babies:(:help

    When babies wake and cry,first thing we check/change diaper.My mother is changing the diaper and wrapping the used diaper keeping babies on lap and without washing hands she is preparing formula and start feeding:( If I advise/request her not to do so,she is getting angry,and telling like,dont react like you are the only to deliver and grow babies,i have more exp than you!!it may be true,but..:thumbsdown

    Another issue is if she prepare 100ml formula and baby dint drink fully,after 1~2hr she is feeding the remaining formula,which may cause inflammation and not advisible too!!I have insisted my mother many times,she is ok with it,but sometimes she is not following when am not around there:(

    As it is winter here,I will make babies wear full hand clothes,mittens(also they are scratching with their nails),socks.My mother is not ok with this.And keep on taunting me like am doing too much,people in our place wont use diapers(she has bought some cloth diapers(actually old saree,dhothi pieces) used by my sil to her son who is now 6 months old,which we are not allowing her to use,and she is very much angry abt that),and blah blah:rant

    Keeping all these in mind she started tellin to my DS like am not a good mom,a lazy mom,irresponsible mom,we bought a nursing pillow and for that she is saying like am a spendrift mom.:eek:mg:
    My mother is(was) extremely lovable!but when I try to teach her something which she doesnt famliar with/dont know she is turning red!!!!what to do? :idontgetit:

    Even she is not cooking good food for me:(.She used to say to my DH like she will prepare pregnancy recovery food(pathiya sapadu) for me,and she has prepared two times(lunch alone) so far.And mostly we end up eating upma.lol :wink:
    Actually I am taking care of my DD completely at nights and during day time i will concentrate on both my babies.Is it a wrong idea?
    If I hold DS and if he cries for something,my mother will say"he is searching for me on hearing my voice,give him to me".It hurts me a lot.(Am I over reacting??!!)

    I just told mother like my DS is daddy's girl,she will be very calm and always smiling when my DH hold her.As am torturing(like frequently changing her clothes,diaper,wiping,etc.,) her too much she is not attaching to me replied my mother.

    Is feeding formula to newborn babies a big crime?? My mother saying like"no one in our family carried feeding bottles and tins everywhere,and now you are the first one to do so!" Am over stressed with all these! I wont argue with her,if I do,she will not talk,eat..also considering she has traveled miles and miles (willingly or unwillinglythat is not a matter for me..) for us..mmm

    I am worrying very much about what my mother saying about me and sometimes I feel really bad(even cried) and I doubt myself am I not good enough to my babies!!!

    DS will be with my mom or I can say my mother mostly concentrate on DS more than DD.She used to talk more and more to my DS and the result is he is not sleeping properly,he needs someone to talk to him whenever he is awake,is it normal? am i thinking too much for a month old baby?

    hmmm..For each and everything we(me+DH) do to the babies or buy for them my mother will say like XXXX who delivered recently dint do all these and her baby is super healthy! and keep on comparing,which irritates me alot and my DH will make me cool,he is my super hero!

    How to handle this situation?
    Sorry for such a long post.:bang
     
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  2. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi ,
    Dont worry , calm down ! Congrats on having a DD and DS !
    1 Your Mom probably did not bottle feed any of her kids ,including you, and finds making formula a pain ! But you tell her nicely that left-over milk should not be reused as it gets bad , and the baby gets infection.
    2 She must wash her hands after changing diapers , keep a hand sanitiser and tell her to use it .
    3 Its ok if she is taking care of DS while you look after DD ,you cant handle both babies alone, chill.
    4 All this about liking granny is baby talk only and babies love hearing crooning and praises !
    Dont read too much into girl boy thing.
    5 If Mom still does not wash hands etc then say that the DR has said so, no using old used cloth nappies as disposable ones can be thrown.
    Try to adjust with her as she is helping you. She must be having her own aches and pains and just needs some guidance in modern baby care.
    If you are in India then get a maid to cook and help around .It will solve most of your problems and also give rest to your Mom .
     
  3. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    you are absolutely right with washing hands after diaper change,not feeding formula leftovers,wearing full clothes etc.your mom is too old to change now.better send her back and you take care of your kids.it will be difficult in the begining but you will get used to it.anyhow your mom is of use there.she is not even cooking good food for you.
     
  4. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Omg is she your mom or mil or is she really a woman.
    Nobody in your family had twins too.
    Enough is enough, pack mom off. Join the local twin mothers club. I am sure you will get pointers and help from them.
    Get help for cooking like buying chapathis etc and h managing with cooking. You focus on the kids and when they sleep relax.
    Hope other twin mothers on il can give you some good pointers.
     
  5. RamyaSridhar1978

    RamyaSridhar1978 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi baby hopes
    Congrats on having a perfect combination of twins ( just like me).... Hmmm I feel you seemed overwhelmed managing two or it seems to be some amount of pnd since you have recently delivered.
    I agree. N hygiene factors and correcting her for the same is right but for other issues I think you are just overreacting...
    It's not easy to handle twins alone I think four hands are better than two hands..
    I believe you are somewhere in the states... So anyways your mom cannot be for long due to visa issues. I think you must first answer this question is she of any help from your post I blv she takes care of at least one child in the night . So in my opinion make use of her help in the best possible way ... Think of the time frame she has to stay and ignore unnecessary comments. One needs some amount of rest immed after delivery .. That too with twins it's gonna be tough.. .later..
    Regarding your child turning to your mom .. Don't worry after all the child knows the difference btw mothers touch and others they will eventually want you only..so don't be possessive about it. Infact at one stage you will find both fighting with each other for ur attention first on them. that's a long way down..
    Btw why did you start bottle feeding so soon on.. I think u could do with bf for few months before starting on the bottle.. once they start drinking from the bottle they will not get back to bf.. I hope you are aware.
    be ways take care.. In. My opinion make up with your mom and take the best possible help....
    Tc, all the best
     
  6. chocyGal

    chocyGal Silver IL'ite

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    First of all, congratulations on having twins. Its a double blessing. I see two common issues faced by many from your post. First issue- Moms (or MIL) from India are new to US way of raising babies. People from middle class background think it is a luxury to use diaper/ nursing pillow /fresh formula/sanitizer whereas those are necessaties here. We cannot change them, and with twins , definetly its not your priority. As long as it doesn't harm your baby, try to ignore her comments and keep your cool. If she does things like refeeding the formula, think in a wise way . As soon as your baby is done , tell her that you want to clean the bottle and empty the bottle. Don't leave any left-overs around.
    Second issue, most women have postpatrum anxiety or depresssion about raising the kid. Thats when they start to think whether they are a good mom or they can raise the kid properly. Trust your instincts ,do your best and you will be fine.

    Enjoy your time with your babies as those are very precious and don't fret over these issues. God bless you!
     
  7. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Congrats on having twin babies.. that too a boy and a girl...

    Its just one month since you deliver your baby.. So, chill out... There are so much to deal with the babies and relations.

    It is just that your mom doesnt know how it is handled in the US... and she is in a great confusion now.

    Normally our mothers (if they are not from a big town) do not bother about washing hands, using used diapers, formulas etc..etc... They thing that they know everything as they have more experience in this matter. But when we new mothers try to teach them how and what, they will obviously get offended....

    Try to make her understand your points (all are right and considerable points, so dont worry) and explain how it is to be handled here. Else what are the issues you may have to face? Eg - Infections, medical expenses, etc,..etc.. which are not a great concern in India.

    make it smooth, dont panic... Give her time to understand...
     
  8. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Wow!! Congrats on twins. I can imagine the commotion in your house with 2 babies. I had a tough time raising just one. It has been only one month and you have come to IL so it looks like you are really overwhelmed :)
    It is tough being a new mom and trust me its better you are in US because you only have to face your mom. If you were in India, you would have to listen to your MIL,SIL,Co-sis,Aunts,Aunts from IL. Anybody who has been a mom(even 40 yrs ago) will advise you on so many things- main ones being diapers and formula.
    It can be IRRITATING even if it comes from your mom. I can fully understand you. But, you def need some help because in one month I dont think we Indian women have the mental or physical strength to take care of babies alone, that too twins. But, like others have said its a matter of getting adjusted. You need to have a routine and as a mother of twins you have to set that. Some nightime routing. Play some soothing music for the kids to go to sleep quickly, soft massages, etc,etc. Once your mom sees how well you are able to handle your babies and how well they respond to your routines she will slowly start appreciating you.
     
  9. sanvi5

    sanvi5 Silver IL'ite

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    Congratulations on your twin babies. You should try to understand your mom as she is new to US and she took care of babies may be almost 20 years ago to raise you. I understand your frustration and after pregnancy most women go through postpartum depression so you will be anxious for simple things. In a month or two it will go away and you will get used to routine things. For now just keep repeating things to your mom which you dont like.If your really not comfortable with your mom then send her back to India but in that way you will not have even the 20% of help which your getting from your mom right now.Raising one infant itself involves lot of responsibility and that two twins ,think yourself. As your mom came to help you try to also make her comfortable as she is new to this place.It doesnt hurt to repeat things if she does not wash her hand after diaper change keep telling her atleast the 10th time onwards she will follow what your saying.
     

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