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How To Convince Conservative Parents?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by EightKittens, Nov 8, 2019.

  1. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    @EightKittens your nick has such a fuzzy feel :hearteyes:

    Ok, I am going to deviate from the other advises given here. I hesitate, since I really value the opinion of ILs especially @Rihana , @yellowmango , @mangaii and others who have posted here , but perhaps because I will see myself in your parents shoes in a few years time, I have a different perspective.

    What I get from your post is not "I dont want to marry." What I feel from you is frustration, you tried to meet up with "matches" , tried a little bit of dating but they varied from bad to really bad. You are fed up. And so you would rather not venture - you are happy with status quo so why bother?

    If I feel my daughter was settling with status quo because she it is too much effort/heart pain I would be relentless in chasing her to be proactive -
    "Are you putting yourself out there - meeting the kind of people you gel with? And also mingling with others who may not be your usual cup of tea? Have you built a circle of friends who look out for you ? Are you grooming yourself well ? Are you making the effort to be happy, to be positive ? Are you working out regularly ? Are you living your life while waiting for the right guy? Because if you are not putting your best out there, I will intervene. "

    Not bombard her with all of these on in one shot but yes but weave this in here and there and now and then. She is a very choosy person and her personality isnt easy to put up with either - so we need all the opportunities.

    Either she says she wants to get married and she takes some concrete steps to go about it or she says she wants to remain single and she has some concrete plans on her future as a single woman. No waiting and watching for the right guy to find you. Because , you see, men rarely ask for directions - so it is going to be hard for him to find you if you dont plonk yourself in front of him.
    My goal as a parent is to ensure my children are set for life, stable and happy. And I think marriage/having a partner to walk with you is one great way. And if they are happy and stable without marriage and can convince me that they will be even when old and grey, then I am open to that. But are they really convinced?

    EightKittens, You are saying it is better to be single than unhappily married and that is absolutely right. Your parents will also agree, I think.
    But you are not saying, it is better to be single than be sorta happily married. And your parents want the latter option for you. And they think that you want that too. But they feel it is a high chance of that while you feel there is a low chance.

    And so the question boils down do wanna take that chance?
    And what can you do to improve the odds? To your parents it is moving to India. If you can show them better odds with any other action, they would gladly to agree with you.

    And also are you really really sure you dont want kids? How?
    It is often mistakenly thought that only those who like children and/or babies, want to have them. Not many of us really like kids and at most wanna spent 1-2 hours with them, and babies are cute but pretty boring. Liking to play with kids and wanting to have them are two very very different things. Maternal /paternal urges are intense stuff. Them hormones are dictators of the worst kind , they can spiral you down when it hits.


    No guarantees in life just 'Tis better to have loved and lost, Than never to have loved at all.

    Hope you meet the right man and become EightKittensAndOneMan soon.
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2019
  2. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    @SunPa you are really articulate, and I agree with your perspective completely
     
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  3. rgz

    rgz Gold IL'ite

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    Agreed SunPa, but EVEN THAT has a limit. At some point, you may have to back off sorta. Anyway, no hard and fast rule, you know what I am saying.
     
  4. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    The Indian government has enough to worry about. Why drag them into a saas bahu drama ? This is a cultural issue. Parents need to let their children be more independent and children need to expect less ( financial or physical help raising their children ) from the parents when they grow up.




     
  5. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Just like how it takes care of dowry harassment cases!!
    If atleast there is some rule from higher authority, if not everything they will follow atleast something.
    As I already mentioned earlier in Kerala there is something similar for the bride and groom to attend some counselling sessions mandatorily. In this era of high number of divorces that is something
    useful for the new couple. Though it’s only for few districts, if that’s extended everywhere it’s good for everyone.
    Similarly most of the houses have saas bahu drama, always moving out of the house may not be the option.
    So in such cases if these PILs atleast know how to behave with DILs there would be peace at home.
     
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  6. EightKittens

    EightKittens Silver IL'ite

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    I do understand your point of view. Thank you so much for sharing this. It was very helpful. I'll save this and I think refer to this when my parents drive me particularly crazy. They do say a lot of this. And many times I take these to be personal attacks on my current way of life and habits.

    I had always hoped to find someone. I had wanted to get married. Honestly, until some months ago I was trying my best to put myself out there, meet new people, and all that jazz. I know that I can't really explain this to anyone, nor change anyone's mind. It's my own problem to deal with. But this time something in me seems to have broken down. As if I had a fixed amount of emotional strength, and this last episode just drained every last bit of it. I just can't do this anymore.

    In terms of being unhappily married, my parents actually think that there's no such thing as a happy marriage - everyone just sort of lives with what they have. And I don't want that. As in when I get married - at least up to the day, and the moment of my marriage, if not later, I want to be able to think that I am marrying the right person. That we will be good to each other, and do our best to have a happy life together. If I am convinced I will be marrying someone who is going to make my life hell, shouldn't I rather just set myself on fire? If I have to be unhappy, I will be unhappy on my own. At least then I am the only one responsible for what's happening in my life. I don't want to be a victim of circumstances or other people's bad decisions.

    As for not wanting kids, I've just never felt any desire to have my own. I adore kids. I'm happy to be around them and I enjoy other people's kids. But I've never felt any emotional or hormonal urges to have any of my own. I used to think I might adopt at some point, but now I don't really know if that's such a good idea either. And honestly, my bar for a man to be the father of my child would be, like, a million times higher than for them to be my husband. As an adult I can deal with a person being horrible to me, but letting a person hurt a child would be unacceptable. Bringing a child into this world and raising them to be healthy adults seems to me almost inconceivable hubris.

    I don't feel like I have really lost out on the experience of love. I did love someone. So I have loved and lost. And now I have reached this place in my head where I have genuinely started to dream of being alone for the rest of my life. I dream of having my own house, with a couple of cats and maybe a dog. I think of my job and what I can accomplish and what kind of hobbies I'll have. I'd like to really live and experience life and not always worry and cry and be unhappy constantly. I don't want to keep making a million silent sacrifices to make others happy, and then being told that I'm not doing enough or that I'm difficult or too selfish.

    My dreams don't include trying my best to make a man happy any longer. When I go out alone, I don't look at other couples and feel the lack of a partner at my side any more. I have tried to explain this to my parents in every way I could. I tried to explain logically, I have cried, I have begged. But I am starting to see that it's not going to work. At the end of the day, staying strong is the only way I will convince my parents that I am serious.
     
  7. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    hope things work out for you. here is a perspective. your parents are quite right too . 20s is like a rebel's age, that is why they feel they missed find the grooms for you, because at this age ,where one tries to setup boundaries , where you try to question your partner and setup what you can do and can't do. it goes well or bad, based on the relationship. then we compromise, win some , loose some.

    30s is settle down , where you like a routine and do not wanted to change that. now you have find a person who likes the same stuff.

    for some , when things do not go well, they just give up. but lot of ILS here are very happy married.

    you would need to decide if you want to be in a relationship . i feel , it is ok to see what your parents share the profiles , but it is not OK to say yes, you have to talk a lot about how you want to live. goals.


    you got great inputs here. arranged, or love, there is no perfect marriage. sorry that is the truth, i feel. one has account for their own happiness.

    and regarding raising children, i differ, not in a way to hurt you. but it is different and one can express it till one experiences it . my H is very very strict on kids in certain things. he will scold and punish. but he is cool and very different and acts like at their age rest of the time. they literally melt and treat him like their best buddy and share everything and even their secrets. ( i get to know from h) .
     
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  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, I feel that you are very confused and you haven't moved on from your past bitter experiences with men. Also you are frustrated by this groom searching procedure. I think you have not clearly (100%) figured out what you want. Also you have very vague idea of many things in life-marriage, kids, parenting etc.

    Your parents are right in many aspects. There is no guarantee that love, arranged marriage or living single bring happiness and comfort. You have to think in long-term. Also many love marriage fail because the person during the lover phase is totally different from the person after becoming a husband or wife. Its like a lottery [ See Il forum , many have good married life through arranged marriage. . No one has perfect married life (loving husband, supporting PILS, kids, job, health, finance etc in one place, either one or many will be missing.). We have to make compromises or adjustments. I think its part of growing up. Also if finding an Indian groom is the objective, the number of suitable candidates goes down as you age. Its tough to get good one. After 30's everyone have their own comfort zone and the adjustments are not easy. But the maturity can help.

    Living in a conservative society and facing those poking questions and blames are not easy for your parents. Be empathetic to them. I know it very well because my mother supported me with my higher education. But she suffered a lot by these questions. I was adamant that I wont marry before I complete my education and consider it only after becoming financially independent. Even though I have gone through arranged marriage route for them, sometimes I think, may be I should have found may partner. The fact is that I didn't find anyone that way. I actively participated in groom searching procedure, because its tough for girls who is over educated- by registering in matrimonial site. If I find something interesting , I send that info to parents and them they take care. That's how I reached to dh.

    Parents also should try to understand you . They cannot ask you to give up your hard earned job and return to India. I will suggest you to buy more time. Or you can actively participate in the process and find the right one for you. But with this kind of negative approach it is tough to find the right one. For that you need to fine tune yourself. You need to heal the wounds created by other men in your life. Do you think a counselling can help. (if you are employed explore EAP for free sessions). May be that give you more clarity.

    Regarding kids- I never had any thoughts about it before marriage. So I waited for a few years even to think about it. I think once my relationship with dh reached a track, that feeling naturally came to my mind and dh supported that. I am amazed by how nature created us. All those motherly instinct and feeling,parenting skills are inbuilt in us and it will appear on time. Before marriage I thought the same way like you mentioned here. I am sure you also will change your opinion once you are in it. I was emotionally ready to welcome a baby , only then we started ttc.

    "I did love someone. So I have loved and lost. And now I have reached this place in my head where I have genuinely started to dream of being alone for the rest of my life." I think this is the route cause of your issue. You wounds are not healed.

    "I had always hoped to find someone. I had wanted to get married." - The fact the one you loved one didnt become your dh, doesnt mean its the end of the world. I think its a foolish thing to waste your precious life and those good moments a marriage only can bring, for someone who gave up on you. I think in your deep mind you really liked to get married, but the circumstances lead to bad experience and bitter thoughts.

    I doubt you can convince your parents by revealing your wish for being alone. At the same time they should not force you to do anything. May be they are very worried. So buy more time and participate in the process. Who knows may be the right one will come for you. But you need to find a new 'you'. Not the one with those bad experiences with men. When its the right time he will appear, till then do the work you are supposed to you. Approach it without any biases or prejudices. The matrimonial search should be done professionally without any emotional attachment , like you do in interviews for job or other things. Once you engaged, only then consider emotional bonding.

    Everyone has the right to decide what they want in their life. But I think you are really confused and have some prejudices about the whole thing. Start fresh in all aspects. Heal yourself. Be the positive, vibrant and happy version of you. Only then you can think clearly, but not with this negative confused mind. May be once you achieve a positive state of mind, revisit your options and see what you want. No one is perfect. Then, finding the perfect one is just a dream. We need to introspect where we stand while finding issue with others-everyone comes with positives and negatives. There is no 'Happily Ever After' in marriage or in single status. Life comes with challenges in all shades. It may vary from one person to another. That make it beautiful I believe.

    Even after all these, if you want to be single, stick with that plan and try to convince parents. But now its wise to buy more time.

    Take your own time and take an open minded approach. Good luck with whatever you choose.
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2019
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  9. lalitasubas

    lalitasubas New IL'ite

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    If you are inclined to marry but not the people through matrimonial ads. as they are not compatible, please consider joining activities where you meet potential partner and get to know them. It could be an outdoor walking or hiking group, or a drama and play group or some adult educations classes, volunteer work. Whatever resonates with you. Also communicate with parents. Acknowledge they have your interest and well being at heart and thank them.
     
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  10. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    As much as they want you to be married and settle down, they can't guarantee to find the right guy or your happiness. If you agree and then it ended in divorce will they blame you? What will they do after the divorce?
    However much they love you, as a grown, educated and working woman, you need to take charge of your life. Loving your parents does not mean you have to allow them to make decision for your entire future. If you do and things don't work out, don't blame your parents. You and you alone are responsible for the decisions you make that affect your future. Later, there is no point in thinking, "I should have ..., I could have ..."
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2019
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