how easy are the second marriages?

daffny,
Maybe that is something you can help your cousin work on...if she can see herself making small positive changes, she will be more open to bigger changes in her thinking and lifestyle. There is no guarantee that she will not face the same problem in another marriage. Maybe you can express it as a way of teaching her to be a better parent for her child...those issues will also come up won't they?

As far as expectations go, sometimes failure in relationships helps us understand what we cannot tolerate. It is better to know that before she gets into a relationship with someone else.
Good luck...

 

I was also mentioning it in general..no need to get all workedup..I understand its emotional issue...no point in wondering why some one had kids soo soon, but no harm in understanding or questioning why such a hurry!!!

 

OP the reality is Matrimonial bureaus are like an online shopping site. You are out to get the best deal.
And for any guy./girl a divorcee with a kid is not an appealing prospect.

Reasons..Added commitment of a child before u barely know the woman. Whether the separation was because Exs-fault completely/her fault completely/both of their fault...there is a lot of emotional baggage that she will be bringing into the marriage. Not all are ready to accept that or see the need to deal with it when there is no emotional attachment to the girl or barely know them. Can we really blame them?

After all how many never married single women who are well educated and earning well...are willing to marry to Divorcee or a widower?A good option would be to actually look in family /social circles where guys who know her may step forward.

 

dont get me wrong.....as much as you and her family want to protect her and see her happy, isnt it a good idea if she goes out and does something ...so that she can see the REAL world outside?? I mean either she joining some classes or pursuing higher education or joining a job....its not for money or something else..its for her own self confidence and to see how world has changed..if she keeps seeing how all of you are worried about her, her marriage and her future, she might think except for marriage there is nothing else in life....she has a kid and being independant and confident would help her more....will bring that smile back on her because she would be more confident...she knows she excels in something...and may be eventually this confidence will attract the right grooms.

Be protective of her...but in a constructive way....I understand there are conservative families..but you guys are ready to get her remarried right? so that doesnt sound like a conservative family...so why not let your cousin stand up on her feet....she would gain more than loosing anything....

by the way this is not any instruction or order (because I remember you said my posts sound like that..) you got to consider other options also instead of feeling sad about this second marriage alliance search...

 

Daffy, how long has it been since the divorce? As much as it seems like being married will solve the problems the divorce has created a separate set of issues. First work on helping your cousin resolve those issues. She has to learn to trust herself...besides the loss of her personal hopes she is probably really worried about what kind of a person she will meet, how they will treat her and her child, etc. She has to work through these before she is ready to consider another relationship.

The first time a friend of mine attended a wedding post divorce was after 8years...that is a big group of people to face plus the event probably reminds her of all the things which went wrong for her. Instead, try to keep her involved in small social activities. That way she is not alone moping but it is still at her comfort level.

Does she work? Can she take up a part time job? Even if she has a little girl, this will give her a life outside her home. She will meet new people-always a plus when everyone from her circle knows her recent past. She can talk/interact with new acquaintances without referring to her recent experiences.

Can she take up a creative activity? There is something about being able to create a piece of art, or writing, etc that triggers a sense of wellbeing...can you accompany her to these classes (if she is reluctant at first)? Or does she like gardening? Pottery?

Can you get her to volunteer? Be careful where she goes for this...try to guide her to cheerful places...

Try to encourage her to step outside her comfort zone. Don't go for the same classes or events that you've always gone to...try something completely different. Sometimes the novelty will trigger an interest and motivate her to try things on her own. Spend more time on finding these kinds of activities...ask her what is one thing she has always wanted to do...and see if you can help her achieve that.

It takes time...but that is time spent well

 

Hi Daffny,

I can understand your agony. From my personal experience, no matter how many relatives or well known friends u have people dont help in these matters. Now only option left is put in matrimony websites. I even got rishtas of divorcees with a kid and want to marry a lady with out kid .. Honestly, divorcees like me with out a kid not getting proper rishtas then how can one expect a lady with kid to get an unmarried man..
my parents contacted some known people for their sons they bluntly told on our faces that if we come across such cases then we will let u know.
Ask your friend to do a job this way the mental tension will get reduced.

 

I do follow this thread... I agree with Deffny here!!
Not only Sri Vidya, there are so many posters who become so judgmental and kind of forcing the forum to agree with their comments/demands by their wonderful writing skills. After a point, the thread will become one on one attack. I really dont know how much helpful is this to the OP, in such particular case?

First of all... We are Indians, where ever we live, whatever we studied, and whomsoever we mingle with, the bottom line is we are Indians... We (our parents/families) wanted us to marry Indians and hence only we are respected as normal citizens. There are so many exceptions, but such exceptions can not be examples here.

You can find a nice and perfect groom from USA, Africa or in Australia... The citizens of the said countries wouldnt mind whether the bride is separated, divorcee or has a child. They just want to see whether the bride is okey to them or not... I have seen so many of my African girl friends have married to American boys after a failed marriage and that too with children. Its not a problem to both of them, and hence they are happy.

When they feel like their marriage is not upto the standers, they immediately opt for divorce/separation. It is very rare that Africans or Americans wait for sometimes to see a positive change in their husband or to try changing him with love or any positive vibes. They dont even have time to understand the root cause of the issue nor do they take steps to correct it. Reason being, they always have very easy/clear second chance for a life, hence they dont need to waste their time and energy in fixing the first marriage. That's the reality.

But we Indians marry to a person with a hope that he will be my spouse forever. I am going to live with him, going to make babies and the rest of my life is going to be with him. We dont have plans like what if he is abusive, what if he is not listening, what if he is not upto my expectation.... We all have a mind set that he will remain the same or I can bring back to his normal state with my love, patience and I must live with him.

The exceptions are abusive relationships and EMAs.. Where we have no other options, but to get out of it...
We all know how it is harder for an average Indian woman to get married... To find a groom, check his back ground, dowry, religion, caste issues... Then how it would be harder for a second marriage, that too with a kid.. They are just practical issues, but there are plenty of emotional issues as well.
Hence we still try and try harder to fix the marriage rather than breaking it.....


I had a live in relationship with my husband (the boy friend) for 4 years... and I was not a teenage girl then... He was all good, and behaved as the way I expected. We were together almost all the time during courtship and I never thought that he will ever change in the future. I got married to him, and then went for a baby immediately... I agree that I didnt wait for 2 plus years to study my husband before I bring the baby into this picture, because I thought 4 years of live in relationship is just enough for us to learn and love each other. But my husband did changed. My inlaws made him to change. They were not in the scene when we were courting, but did come afterwards. Hence my marriage become shattered. Even we went upto the point of separation, but with my own will and attempts I brought back my life to a point where I live somewhat peacefully than before and my husband seems changing/adjusting.

Here you need to note 2 points

01) How could I be at fault for bringing my kid to the scene? Did I need to wait for another 2 years to study my husband? How can I confirm that he wouldnt change afterwards? Coz he remained good for 4 years and then changed....

02) How does a separation would help? I am still young... I feel that one day my husband will change... Sometimes he will remain unchangeable, and I will remain single... But there is a hope and there is a sign of light at the end of the tunnel. I am working hard to fix my marriage. How can you say that I am wasting my energy here?
Separation is easy... But what next????????
A person like me, who is used to live with people can not take a single life that easily... and it is very harder to find another life as well... there are lot of emotions involved in it.
Had it been a very serious and uncontrolable issue, then yes... separation is right... But I wonder why we suggest separation for other issues (also they are very complected at times) by knowing that we are in India and we women will have to face sooooooooooooooooo much afterwards?