How Do You Cope With Feeling Expendable?

Hi, been there and have faced it. Yes it hurts to the core and it feels silly that we are expected to act as grown-ups. time heels everything. Family comes first. Friends come and go but it is the family that stays with us through all the rough seas. I focused more on my family took me more than 6 months. This too shall pass. Sorry if this is not what you expected. Take care.

 

I will go ahead and ask this.

Why do you wish to be indispensable to others? Are you hurt by the non-reciprocation of your efforts? Or is it the fact that she doesn't like you anymore?

I think there's a name for these people: "Fairweather friends".

One more question: Are you, in any way, an overbearing friend?

 

Here's the latest and neatest on "friendship directionality". Turns out you are in good company!
Pop version-1.
Pop version-2.
Science-y version for those who prefer data.

If you are planning on taking decisive action, make sure you watch all episodes of CSI first.

 

It's her loss, not yours. I know it is painful, I've been there but if she can't see how good of a friend you are, then you are better off without her. I know I feel better when I say 'good riddance' to my head when I see my old friend.

 

Hi,

I never had close friends in my life. Had just some travellers as friends ( real and virtual) , in my life journey, that is all I would say.

Had been hurt by a few, but I move on, just that the time will heal the wounds. In the end our life, is how we decide to make it out and for me, my family comes first, than anything else in this world.

I could feel your feelings, whatever might be, just forget and move on in life. I am just adding this sentence ( quote below), because I had some trouble few months ago and that time Cheeniya Sir, put this quote which incidentally has stuck to my mind forever.

You are someone special which your family will cherish whatever might be your characteristics. Do not make your family unhappy by showing your feelings. I don't show it to my family at any point of time, be it my health issues or whatsoever.

I hope you make your family happy.

Take care,
Vaidehi

 

Hi Gauri, sorry to hear about what you are going through. If it is any consolation, this is the preliminary step towards "handling such issues like a big girl" and getting over the hurt.

There is always a first time. Or let me say, the first few times. Initially one is left wondering what went wrong. One smarts from the proverbial 'slap on the face'. It stings. It festers. It hurts like crazy. Over the years, one gradually gets over it - just like getting over the loss of a near and dear one to death. The scar remains for a while. Then it fades over the years or decades.

I shan't be dishonest. This may not be the first or the last time. There may be many more. How do you deal with it?

• Shutting out friendships does not serve any purpose nor is it the most sensible solution.

• Reduce expectations. If one is sure that one is not in the wrong, then don't worry. It is the other person's problem. If you are not sure whether or what you have done wrong, ask - if you feel like asking. If not, leave it. If she comes back and offers a reason, fine, take it from there. If she doesn't, leave it. Again it is her problem. If a friend for whatever reason is unable to fulfil your expectations, never mind. There are many other people who might be able to help.

• Do not get into any discussion about how hurt you are. It might lead to the opposite result of what you want. Not everyone is capable of handling accusations/discussions ... in whatever vein. It would sound similar if not exactly the same as the mother's letter to her kids. You could just make it known that you don't know what has happened for her to behave this way and you are open to talking about it if she wishes. If she doesn't want to, let go. I am not saying this lady in particular but a general guideline.

• Detached attachment or attached detachment would be the only solution and can be developed only with persistent practice. Just friendly, warm, affectionate. No expectations. Learning to say 'no' when warranted in the most polite manner. Yes, eventually one might be left with just one or two 'good, reliable' friends, but that is good enough in today's times. Count them to be blessings. But even with those it is good to keep a reasonable detachment.

Been through many such instances in life Gauri, and this is my way of dealing with such issues with friends as well as relatives. The key is in trying to get as emotionally independent as possible. That will be constant work in progress. Don't know if it would work for you or whether you would want to try, but just thought I would share. Am perfectly happy in my own bubble today. Have a handful of friends whom I found here online and who are really good friends in real life today.

 

My dear
First of all ACCEPT that ALL of us are "expendable" and always have been. No one is ever indispensable. Even a child whose mother dies at her birth grows to be a happy person.

So you just have to heal yourself. Like Satchidananda said detachment is best. I know it is easier said than done, but you have made a good start. Vent all you want , get rid of all hurt and finally you will see it was all for the good. I too do not make friends easily and maybe I am myself a not good friend to others as I just cant stand or sympathize with too much emotion. Maybe your friend was like that too?