How Do I Help A Resentful Lady?

Your friend and her DH need time to process the diagnosis and what it means for their family's future. All you can do at this point is lend a sympathetic ear when she vents. Practical suggestions won't help till she reaches the stage where she's ready for change. For now, simply listen and empathize.

When she's ready, ask her what she would like you to do for her. She knows her own needs best. Ask her to pinpoint exactly what help she needs. That should make her think of actions rather than emotions.

I get why she feels a connection to you but it is unfair of her to lean solely on you. She needs to start talking to other parents. You can't carry her, and the sooner she realizes it the better for her and for you. Cutting down on the time you spend with her may nudge her to expand her circle.

Her resentment toward you is unfair. Remind her gently that it takes effort and she'll get there in time.

@Laks09, the world needs more friends like you.

 

Kudos to you for trying to help another mom. If she is not open to counseling, ask her to see a psychiatrist. She seems to be frustrated and depressed. Medications will help her.
Just continue with texting for now. Wait and see how it goes

 

yes I think you are correct here. Somehow and I have no real reason for why exactly I say this but I strongly feel 'forgiveness' or 'being able to forgive herself' is a big part of whatever is going on with her. She is unable to forgive herself for this diagnosis and move beyond it to actually get started with the hard work of what the diagnosis entails. Partly it is blaming herself or her fate or circumstances and partly this is 'why is this happening to me' type of thing. This blaming and self anger is also tied up with the late diagnosis I feel, and keeps breaking through when she tries to deal with the child in the form of frustration. She needs to forgive herself that this happened and to accept it. Try to talk to her once about it and see if it helps.

 

@Laks09,

Carry on your good work. The world is a better place because of a few good souls like you. Others have already offered their wonderful insights and all that I can say is, she is in denial. Considering her current status, she is going to take a long time to rationalise and take positive steps. Let her know that she can reach out to you whenever she is ready and step back for now. She has to go through her cycle and seek whatever she wants. Hope she understands that a helper can only help but cannot take away her share of woes.

 

@Laks09 , i know i am mia here most of the times, loads to manage in real world.. and when i see a new thread from a buddy, had to peep in..not yet read the replies, but great to see some buddies here..

are you talking about someone I know.

there are two types of dealing with issues..

why me, types,the person who thinks why should i suffer, what did i do wrong, that i am dealt these cards, why is everyone else happy while i suffer. the issue with them, is they may be in denial, they maybe not ready to look around beyond themself.. my husband has this comic way of using a dialogue from a tamil movie, loosely translated, my blood is sauce, while yours is blood..(can we say, mera pyar pyar, baaki saare bekaar) anyways coming back to the topic, the practical mind knows she is wrong, but the emotional mind is still wrapped around its own guilt -the guilt for not taking the cues and doing better for the kid, what ifs are a great source of resentments and anger, who else knows it better than us....but yet you are her lifeline, and she takes it out on you..I know it can sap out your energy levels and take a dip at your positivity..

have you faceed this with your dd, what do you know...you can't understand what i am going through in some tantrum phase, and now go back and relate this with this friend, i know it is silly, but there are times when the mind works this way.

nothing much helps..they want to be hugged, they want to be listened to without any advices, without judgement.."yeh, buddy you have been dealt the worst cards" to her "tum kya jaano meri life mein kya kya sehna padta hai.." the thin line between moving into self pity or wallowing in self pity..i wish she bounces back before it affects the child..or she starts using the child as a punch bag.

a friend of mine lost her mom last year to sickness and she went into mourning, and neglected her kids, then every morning i got messages that her kids don't love her and she is done with them and let them go to dogs(8 and 6 yrs olds)..(yes she said that, and i had it..it was like the straw on the camel..that broke me, i was ok to listen to any rant, any memory, anything she wanted to talk about, but this statement let them go to dogs hit me hard..(anything related to kids, you know me..) and that was when i sent her a message, stop wallowing in self pity, your mom suffered a lot, and be happy for her that she is out of the hell of a life she lived the last few weeks..and you asked me if i could understand her loss, yes i do, i lost mine when i was too young to understand..you have a responsiblity to your kids until they are adults..and she needs to ask for help, go for a counselling to help her heal.

she even started resenting her husband having his mother, the same mother who helped looking after the kids, while she was taking care of her mom 24x7..it is almost a yr, and she still neglects herself and her kids and no amount of asking her to come for counselling, nor meetings help.. there are times when i am reminded of you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped..

i just hang in there for her, she can talk, she can cry, and i lace up with suggestions in between, hoping she will listen.

So my suggestion is to recoup and rejenuvate yourself from other cheerful places to keep that reservoir of patience, and positivity up, remember the airline rules..wear your oxygen mask first.....i know it is tough, but hang in there..

hoping she moves to a better mental and emotional space to help herself and her kid..

 

And one more thing @Laks09 from where i stand at present with my young man at uni, that it has been easy, since i have never been vocal about my struggles, fears, tears, hair splitting days and many have told me, "oh, you had it easy, what do you know how hard it is to raise a hyperactive kid." .."

Oh boy, not again is my mind voice...

Maybe the way we handle our issues, how you fight for your kiddo is something, that is resented.. just thinking loud...

 

@Laks09
It is simply great that you take so much trouble to help your friend in denial.It is a phase when she won't be in a mood to listen to whatever others say and her problem is the biggest in the entire world.This phase in her life shall also pass enabling her to lend a year to others.
God bless you.

Jayasala 42

 

@Laks09,

"Why me?" is a very common reaction for parents who have recently diagnosed special needs child. I have two examples in my circle of friends. One of my former colleagues have a girl child and because of constant bickering by his wife, he became an addict to drinking habit and now facing a paralytic attack. He has a younger daughter who is now going to medical school but she clearly said she wanted to get out of the environment as quickly as possible not because of her sister's health but because of her parents daily fight. This is the negative side of the story.

Back in India, another former colleague of mind had a triplet and one of them died at the time of birth. The other two were beautiful looking girls but had special needs. Initially, he and his wife were devastated by the diagnosis. However, they both processed the information over a period of 12 months and became very determined to face the situation with their positive attitude towards life. The husband sold all his ancestral properties in his state and started a special needs school in his home town. Besides his children being trained for quality life and education, he trained other children also regularly. His wife joined his mission. He became a consultant to the State government on technology as well as children with special needs. With his wife's support and many prominent personalities, his school spread like a wild fire into many towns in his state. Now his two lovely daughters are married and have a child each.

I spoke to him a week back inviting him to the US as I was getting in touch with him after a long time. He simply told me, "If you like me to visit you, find a center for special needs children in Florida and I will be there". He converted a crisis in his life into a life's mission and almost anything he wished happened.

Now coming back to the mother you referred in OP, her wish to get to your shoes quickly is causing the resentment against you. It takes time in the absence of knowledge about your struggle and determination to handle it. My suggestion is to have a heart to heart discussion with her on a private meeting and tell her that she could lead a normal life provided she understands a road map of how to work systematically towards normalizing her current life. Explain to her that it won't happen without the help of the spouse and outside help. Convince her that her mental state could have more effect on her child and only lovingly handling the situation would bring her back out of how she feels now.

Viswa