Discussion in 'Married Life' started by redorange, Jan 21, 2018.
Go ahead. This marriage is not at all useful.
The last post is really serious. That is some serious abuse and gas lighting happening there.
I say run......and don't look back.
@redorange - I think you already know what you have to do. I think you need to make the best decision for your life and future. Staying married to someone you cannot trust, and has threatened suicide and violence causing you to actually fear for your life, is never going to produce a happy satisfying life - even if there are "happy" times. Your description of your wife suggests that she needs some type of professional help to deal with her compulsive lying and drama/blackmail. If you love her enough to make things work, ok, you should stay. But, you have already done counseling, and gotten feedback about your wife and relationship. I think you have done all you can do. if you have reached your threshold, I don't believe you should feel guilty that you want to end things.
Something is not adding up here ! You lived in with her, were aware of her multiple affairs , so why was there all the drama and lies when you discover her relationship with her ex .
What does a casual relationship with the divorced lady while seeing other people mean ? What’s to say the “other people” did not pass on their STD’s to you ?
I hope you will truthful enough to let the next person you cohabitate with you that have a “harmless” variety of STD. I doubt that will happen.
If you accept a culture of multiple physical relationships, accept that STD’s are a integral part of it. So yes both you and the wife are equally naive and responsible for the situation that you have put yourself in.
Call me judgemental and old fashioned if you like .
Both were In many relationships before, be it casual or not . But why need to digg the past all the time. Read your posts. In earlier posts it appeared that you were Mr Clean and STD is from her. Recent posts reveal something else. We don't know her version of the story.
All the best with your decision. It is better not to stay in a marriage with a person you cannot trust or love.Abuse of any kind and lying all the time is not acceptable. Hope she get some professional help.
I hope you learn from this experience. Next time if you consider to marry someone both of you should talk about past relationship before marriage. But never ever talk about it after marriage. May be a test for STD for both can also be considered before marriage to rule that type of issues in future. So marriage will be in present tense, so that both can look forward.
Good luck OP
Seriously this is very good suggestion.
Can understand your pain @redorange but as many told past is past . Since she is telling tat she is treating him just as her friend try to understand her . May be she is true. And coming to you handle this little patiently . I know lying about everything is bad . Try to make her understand tat this is affecting your relationship , in future even kids may leArn same looking at parents . So now itself it’s better if we correct if anything is wrong. Yes believe me it’s true she is feeling insecured thinking tat if she had told you about her past then you may leave her and tats why she wouldn’t have revealed . Tell her tat both of them should be trustworthy only then you will be able to lead happy life. Ask her tat if she wants to keep lying or stay happy with you . What matters her more ??
So many replies I am not parsing everything. I am writing everything in a stream of conscious way. So there are bound to be inconsistencies. I will try my best to clear up the misconceptions.
Regarding the past. Think of it this way.
If you tell me that the Sky is Orange in color. I will be offended. I will think that you think I am stupid enough to believe that.
I will tell you that the Sky is Blue. That I have friends who told me that the Sky is Blue and I have videos and pictures of the sky being Blue.
I will take you outside and point out to the sky and say its blue. And then if you tell me that the Sky changed color just before we entered, I will be pissed off.
I am not pissed off about the color of the Sky. This has nothing to do with that. I really don't care about the color of the sky at all. But only the inconsistency. The BS that I am getting forced to swallow. And because you think I am stupid enough to believe it.
I mentioned dating the divorcee to her. She knew I had no issues about women having previous relationships. It was the doubling down on obvious lies that annoyed me.
If I cared so much about her not having a past, why would I consider getting involved with a divorcee?
Regarding the STD, there is no conclusive proof that she gave it to me. Just based on her reaction to it and her behavior, I felt it was highly probable I could have gotten it from her (gut feel). Knowing her, I knew there is no point in talking frankly about it. She would say I got it from someone else or as a child. Besides, there were much bigger issues at hand.
Regarding the two suicide attempts, I am not sure if she really meant it. She was just manipulating me so I would stay with her out of guilt and obligation. Later on, after a few days, she says she was joking and that she is too much of a coward to commit suicide.
Regarding the violence, she slapped me once but it was out of love and care and affection that I didn't have lunch that day (because I was tired).
While driving, we had a minor argument and she accelerated the vehicle suddenly and drove rashly because she became very emotional. I was so scared we would get into an accident. I told her I will call law enforcement and she cooled down and drove well.
Basically she is extremely emotionally unstable. The lies and gas-lighting don't help either. Her family came to know I was staying outside and that the situation is serious. They are telling me that she will control her anger and that we should focus on having children so it will resolve the issues. Which, of-course I wouldn't do.
I understand your situation completely . They live in fantasy world where they build web of lies and they start believing in it. If you point out the obvious fact they will fight with you, find excuse why your fact is wrong and finally get violent that web of lies they build is ultimate truth and you are wrong. They pretend like they have high morale and when confronted with truth either make themselves as a victim and put you in spot and the actual issue gets diverted or plead guilty with so much love that they will never ever do it again but in actual reality that is their way to escape the reality. It is very hard to shower love because you feel deceived and cheated mentally and emotionally. Their life is filled with nothing but excuses. Blame people, system and always show their too good to be true image but in actual reality that is all fake to get attention. You are better off getting a divorce. Don't fall for emotional blackmail. They will never change unless there is a life changing event. Their ego and supreme thought of themselves will never change. I'm surprised that this personality didn't come out during live-in. You were either immature or you were also enabler. I don't know how old are you but do some time alone to understand yourself . It helps us to understand things around us .
I guess you have already made a decision to end your marriage, if yes, may be you should stop
Just my two cents here..
Looks like you have already made a decision to end your marriage. If yes, I think we need to stop discussing this further as this would only result in confusion, not just for you but also the readers here ..it's clear that neither you nor your wife are at peace. Hope things get better soon.
Note: I agree with SGBV response on this issue.
I just hope that disease is not HPV or Herpes. From what has been written, it seems it is either. Both of them linger forever and one of them is deadly for women in long run.