help me

whiteorchid · Jan 20, 2012

hi all!
i have been recently married to a guy from from a different community from mine and shifted to a new place. my husband use to live alone before we got married n his parents lived in the native place. our marriage took place at my parents home and after attending wedding his parents came with us to help us settle in the new house :confused2:
his father went back to his native as he has some business to look after but his mother stayed with us. now the problem is my mil is very interfering. I come from a independent family , and i never expected to live with inlaws. my husband is from different community so our rituals are very diff, although my husband is very understanding and tries to make me feel comfortable but my mil tries all ways to make me feel i have to follow what ever is their customs. i have no problem in that and i am trying to learn their way of pooja and other rituals still at times it gets too much.
my husband did not take any dowry , for which i respect and love him so much. he rented this flat where we live and every single thing from household things to luxury n bed etc he bought by himself . he even paid for flight tickets for his sisters n their families and even few of his close friends n relatives to attend our wedding. because of this we were not left with much money to splurge on a honeymoon. my family wanted to sponsor my honeymoon but his my husband was not keen i refused. i thought being with him at new place will be like a honeymoon only. but my mil spoiled every thing. she will get up early n keep on taking a walk on make some noises in the kitchen to awake us. even if i want to go my DH wont let me and wants to spend some time cuddling and hugging and just lying and enjoying morning with me. my mil would tell that her daughters get up so early and make tea for elders n breakfast which hurted me. so i started to get up early then also she will say i will make breakfast and will act in front of hubby she does not want me to work.
she will wash my husbands clothes by hands n dry n fold them , if i wash them in washing machine then also she will quietly pick them from dryer n put them in her balcony.it hurts me so much . i am a professional but i planned to be homemaker for few months to enjoy married life. it gives me happiness to do things for my husband but she tries to show she is only one who can handle him. where was she when he was living alone all these years?
Since i m new to city my husband takes me out to see places on weekend for this she will also come along, which spoils the fun. if we are going for movie or dinner i have to worry that she is alone , she will pretend in front to hubby that she does not want to go but if u leave her she says she feels scared in the house alone ????, my husband had office picnic but i could not go as mil would have to stay alone from 6am to 9 pm. i cried so badly that day.it was not even 15 days of marriage and i was already spending time alone in a strange place.
if we go out to meet some friends of his she will ask who is that , do i know them if she knows she will come along. their she will compare me with my DH friends wife.
She has a big problem with my dressing sense. she wants me to wear saris and put flowers which i hate. once my husband told me to wear jeans while going out she said i should take shawl and not go out in just jeans n kurta .she wants me to put big bindi which i m not comfortable in.
If i will sit alone in my room she will come n check me as if to see what im doing ,it feels like some one is keeping a watch on u . i feel so mentally tortured.
i already feel suffocated n depressed in my marriage because of my mil.once i started crying n told my husband this wont work out. he supported me that u can wear what u want n do what u want to , he said my mother is here only for few days n i know how much u have adjusted to live with her. after she leaves its only both of us but i dont think she ever wants to leave , she is not bothered her husband is alone in native but is more worried that her dil might not take good care to her DS . since my husband told her i can wear what i want then mil does not say openly abt my dressing n ways but there is lot of tension in house.
i feel so depressed , its only because of my husband i m able to live here but things are getting too much now. sometimes i feel like to run away from here. as a newly married i wanted to spend some time with my husband but now all thanks to mil i dont go out with hubby , what the point in going out if she will be there to tell us not to do that , not to eat this . we went to a park with her and since she could not walk she told us also to sit on a bench with her. went i said ma u sit we will take a round and come she said no no i dont want to be alone.so we just sit , eat her home cooked food at picnic n come back. even while coming by taxi she will sit in center.
i dont know how to manage her , because of her i talk rudely to my husband and and have stopped reciprocating his love. help me

dakshayaeni · Jan 20, 2012

Hey Lady, first congrats and wishing you a happy married life. Here are some suggestions, you may try out based on your convenience;

1. Always be with your mil and insist her that she teaches you some cuisines, how to wear sarees, how to do some needle work or it could be anything you know...

2. You try to take her out for short walk or buy some gifts like her favorite dish, it could be some stuffs for her pooja as well

3. Always always shower heaps of praise to her over phone while talking to your own parents, loud enough so that she could hear

The point is you need to make her believe in you but don't try to win her, its not required. Else:

Be firm but polite and start your professional life

Actually when two individuals from different roots comes in contact, conflicts are bound to happen but that should be taken by us as not conflict of interest but conflicts of opinions...it will take time for you and her as well, you need to be patient. Remember, you cannot change her but surely can change your own approach to be happy..

monita · Jan 20, 2012

Whiteorchid,
Can you visit your parents for some days? I see you are in quite a depressing situation. Tell your DH that you are missing your parents. Come back when MIL leaves.

superwoman09 · Jan 20, 2012

I agree change your approach...that way u can remain happy and not spoil ur relationship with ur husband..Whiteorchid. Some MILs do get insecure as soon as the son gets married as she feels DIL will take the son away from her...doesnt matter that she was away all these years when the poor bachelor had nobody with him. Also they want to show that they are at the upper hand. My 2cents...keep cool, follow whatever is okay with u..dont get stressed out...n consider urself lucky that she is just here for some days...sooner or later she will return back to her native place...there are plenty of us here in IL itself who r in a joint family system, and also some cases where DH doesnt support..and plz plz dont nag ur husband telling him how his mother is acting..he will never accept even if he knows that his mom is wrong...i mean would u if ur hubby says something about ur mom...how would u feel...so plz..handle it one on one...Being newly married, I know u cannot stand up for yourself or answer back to ur MIL. So plz stay cool, keep urself occupied with chores or hobbies.

Happy2be · Jan 20, 2012

i too agree to the above White Orchid. As understood from your post, you have been blessed with a loving and understanding hubby. He and MIL are as new tho the new relation "marriage" as you are. Yes, you are new to the house..to the family but they too have their own set of insecurities and adjustments to make and as it always is naturally...elders always have the fell "We are Elders" so they will never want to change from their side and would expect the newcomer to adjust but being blessed with such a hubby...things will surely get smooth..but how soon depends much on you too. I have been through all this...so I am writing from my own personal experience. My hubby used to say within a month after marriage that he didnt ever realise or know that his mum would behave this way as a MIL....issues are insecurity..possessiveness..adamancy..ego...
The honeymoon thing...the car seating thing..the moving out t hing...the dressing thing..with me was more or less the same. I never wore jeans till 2 years of my marriage.. except once when we both got a chance to move out and it just wasn't liked. I was told loads of things but always with a sweet smile,so as I never got a chance to say anything to DH. I always used to share everything with him..but not in a manner of complaining....he is the son and however loving he might be...he still has grown up in his mums arms and every mother is the best to her own children..you cant deny this..so show him you respect his mom bcos she brought him into this world for you. WHat I used to do was..whenevr I was given instructions which didnt suit my senses at all...I used to politely ask DH..is this how it is required to be..it wasn't this way at my place so I dont know..I kept telling him that since I am new to the family and am here bcos of him..I would trust only him and he has to guide me how to win all hearts..what to do and what not to and parallely be a friend to me and take care of my respect too. I used to ask him many a times before doing something...yes still there wre many adjustment issues in the house as with time our love grew stronger but within few months he was in a position to see and understand that his mum is best mum but not being the goody goody MIL to me. I never wanted him to speak for me against her but mooulded our relation so as he would never misunderstand me and we started finding out ways to live our life our way. It took us many many mths...It was our first marriage anniversary when we went out for dinner for the first time...just the both of us!!

take pride and feel blessed to have such a husband and win his trust and faith so as if ever a situation arises with time..he should blindly trust you and in case you are going wrong somewhere in relationship handling..yes you can..you too are human...then he should have faith in you that you will listen to him and will humbly accept and mould it..When you do such things..he will love and respect you all the more and once he loves you to such an extent he himself will hunt ways to have privacy with you without interference.
As for dressing..after many mths....mmm... I think after one and a half year, I got my first pair of jeans and we told at home that DH gave me as a surprise gift as he wants me to wear it and be a part of his circle. I used to wear lots of westerns before marriage and MIL always knew this even before marriage but did not appreciate me wearing any after marriage. My family was broad minded and different community..rituals n all...and later many a times my hubby confessed that our marriage was made boring n simple cos of MIL over instructions while he damn enjoys at my cousins weddings
Keep patience and win your DH by heart and brains..he himself will sort out things for you