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Help Me To Decide Pls?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sweetygals, Oct 22, 2019.

  1. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I have 4 year old dd. 1 year old ds. Have full time maid with us. I'm full time working mom who recently joined back to workforce typically work timings from 9am to 8 pm. Though maid is there she said she cannot take care of 2 kids alone at a time. I also feel the same. For the 3 months my mom came in and helped me in taking care of kids. She cannot stay more than 3 months due to visa constraints.

    Now next usually my mil wont come for taking care of baby. She will say she is sick. So we planned to drop my lo in my mom place for next 3 months. I looked on day care option. Did not like much. Thought my lo will be safe on my mom hands. She will take very good care of him. Now this time my dh is saying if i call my mom she will come to take care of ds. As she misses her grandson a lot. And also told me that since she is coming for ur son u r the one who have to adjust for her. Otherwise u can send ur son to India. It is your choice. U can decide on what u want.
    And also the real reason for my mil to come here is I have divorced sil staying with her. For some reason mother and daughter both are not in talking terms in same house. I dont know the full story and am also not intersted to knowing that. I suspect that this is the reason my dh wants his mom and her daughter to be separated for some time.

    Now coming to the actual issue, me and my mil have a bad relationship. When ever we are together she will fight with me. She doesnot like me and my dh having good relationship. U can read my old thread if have time :disrelieved:. My dh was a typical mumma boy, who changed for good after 6 yrs. After following suggestions from IL. And also my dh knows if they are all so mean to me. I will walk out from this marriage. So he is scared of me only for this. Otherwise this mom and son duo is very hard to manage.


    Definitely when my mil is here, she will change his son to her side. And they both will team up. Finally i use my separation card and my dh will come back to senses. This is what will happen in those 3 months.

    So what can i do?
    1. Leave my son in my mom place, or
    2. Ask my mil to come here and manage.
    My dh is a weak person where we can easily switch him either towards me or towards mil. As mil has more power than me. So he will be against me definitely.

    And in future fights definitely my dh will quote this. I cannot even bring my mom in to my own house.


    And only now i feel my marriage life is on track. Not much fights and started sharing his finance secrets to me. I dont want to screw up my love life with my dh.
    Suggest me pls
     
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  2. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Looks like bringing her here will cause more problems than helping you.
    Your marriage will suffer.
    In your past experience, has she actually been helpful or do you end up doing more or adjusting for her ?
    Do you believe that her trip is gona be worth it for you or even helpful considering all the negatives you have listed ?

    Sending your son away for three months .. What is going to change after three months ?
    Is it possible for you to bring your mom again ?
    - Or are you saying that your mom can come only after three months ?
    What will happen when she has to go away again ?

    Are there any extra classes you can enroll your older one in ?
    Can you hire a part time baby sitter for a few hours everyday to balance ?

    It doesn’t sound right to send off a kid (or getting the mil) even after having a helper. What are the challenges that your helper is facing in taking care of the two kids? Try to balance that. If not possible look for another helper who’s capable of taking care of two kids.

    What are the long term options that doesn’t involve sending the kid away or bringing the mil ?
     
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2019
    shravs3 likes this.
  3. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    This is not a 3 month issue but a full time future issue.

    Not sure why the nanny cannot take care of two kids . Check for reasons and see if they are really valid. Is your elder one home all day.

    why don’t you have the 4 yr old in full day pre k classes , that will limit the time the nanny with two kids for few hours which should be ok.

    Or send the elder one to day care and slowly reduce dependency on nanny ... it is strange after having a nanny you have to think for care options for two kids and thinking of sending one to India .

    the faster you make a permanent arrangement , the more peace you will have in the long run.
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    The full time maid must be someone you trust. A reliable care arrangement for the two kids that can last at least 2-3 years is most needed. You could look into changing her job description so it is "nanny with light housekeeping" instead of maid. Combining maid and nanny responsibilities is tough on the maid/nanny and no wonder this one says she cannot take care of 2 kids at a time. What are her daily work hours? Weekend days off?

    Or, find someone who can come in 2-3 hours each day to do some of the work the maid is currently doing. Then, she might be able to take care of two kids at a time like most nannies do.
     
    MalStrom likes this.
  5. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    And send 4 year old to full day to day care cum pre k school
     
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  6. rgz

    rgz Gold IL'ite

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    Regarding your second last line (dont want to screw up my love life)
    @Sweetygals - I am not sure I can call it “love life” when the “love” is obtained with divorce threat. IMO that ain’t real love but a marriage of convenience for him since he knows about the divorce threat. Its a marriage that is being held together with a thin strand of fear mixed in.

    Anyway, in your situation - maybe you can explain to him the issues that happens if MIL visits, so either he needs to stay out of the arguments, or best option is daycare (like many do) or scale down your work for sometime to take care of kid. I dont think its a great idea to “outsource” kid care to India (unless its a dire situation in US - assuming US or wherever)
     
  7. kurinje

    kurinje New IL'ite

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    Dear @Sweetygals,
    Please don’t bring in MIL and ruin your hard earned setup and husbands love. When I read your post I can completely understand your situation. I am in a similar situation and brought my in-laws to home. Now I really don’t have strength to repair the damage they have done to my life again. Wonder how can men be so chameleon type and change when their parents are there.

    A frustrated wife
     
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  8. kurinje

    kurinje New IL'ite

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    Can someone help me how to create a new thread? I need to vent out and seek some suggestions. But unable to create a new thread
    I am sorry OP for hijacking your thread.
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Go to Married Life or whichever section you want to create a thread in, you should see something like the below image. Click on "Post New Thread"

    Are you able to see the "Post New Thread" option when logged in?

    thread.PNG
     
    Angela123 likes this.
  10. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    We bring in older relatives (mother, mIL, the widowed cousin who can be enticed for a look at America ..etc..) to USA to mind the child(ren) for a few months at a time. This might appear cheaper on an accounting sense, but in reality this is a very expensive scheme.

    what is your budget for childcare using help from non-relatives ?

    If you often use your separation card to keep your husband in control, try out this scenario: If you do get a divorce, who will get the custody of the children ? If you add the child-support payments, and other legal fees and such towards a divorce, you will find that non-relative childcare of whatever level (full or part-time) would be much cheaper.
     
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