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Help Me Decide If What I Am Thinking Is Right

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by msms, Dec 25, 2019.

  1. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Other than her paying rent the setup bring suggested is no different from current setup . You should just let her be on her own in a diff apartment for at least a year and re evaluate situation after that . If I were you I won’t collect rent from my mom . That seems more like a business transaction . She might be uncomfortable to share things with you so maybe better to listen to her advice and provide her space .
     
    KashmirFlower and Thyagarajan like this.
  2. KayKuyil

    KayKuyil Silver IL'ite

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    I think it’s time we break past the daughter VS son taking care of parents and all that.

    With that said, like many have told, respect your mother’s choice. If she wants to stay alone, then let her. The idea of taking a apt in your community is a good idea. But sorry, it’s a tacky suggestion to take money/rent/whatever from her to provide a sense of non-dependence. If she wants to stay alone, let her do so and all you 3 siblings can take care of her expenses while her pension is for her financial security.
     
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  3. msms

    msms Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your suggestions, would like to clear few things -
    My mom stayed with my sister for 3 years because my sister told her that she needs her support, and moreover they were in the same city so my mom could go to her house once in every 3-4 months.
    After my father passed away, my brother kept on telling her that he is trying to come back to India and then she can be with him. That was also one more reason. When my sister told that she is also moving abroad, coincidentally I conceived that time, so my mother was happy to come to me.
    Now this was again a temporary arrangement, as she was thinking that my brother will come back.
    My husband is in very good terms with my mom, he cares for my mom more than my brother. And he has absolutely no problem with her staying with us. In fact he is insisting her to stay with us. Because she is the only grand parent we have for my baby. And we understand the importance of grand parents.
    So it's not that she has some problem, that's why she is asking this. She wants to end this wait and wants her space. I am fine with her decision, to an extent my sister is also OK. But my brother thinks she won't be able to stay alone and she should stay with me.
     
  4. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Speak to her heart to heart and figure out what she wants.
    If she’s just saying it, Try to tell her that you need her support as well just like your sister did.
    If not, rent out a house next door so she can have her own space n plus you can check on her everyday.
    Her true wishes should be respected.
     
  5. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    If your mother wants to stay independently and she can afford to and is physically and mentally able then I don’t understand why your cousins, brother and husband don’t want to let her have her wish. Anyways, it’s her life, her money and forcing her to do something against her wishes is neither nice nor respectful. Your brother feels that your mom can’t stay alone but he’s not the one staying with her in the recent years so he doesn’t much know does he. You would know much better about this. And I can totally understand the need for space by your mom. Please respect that.

    having said that I also feel very strongly that you should mention to her that sons and daughters are equal and the obligation to care for parents belongs to all of them. And the times are changing and she should not think so much about what a few gossipy, crass neighbors are thinking.

    my grandparents on both sides were taken care of by my parents. My maternal grandfather stayed with us (his daughters family) for several months when he was old and in failing health. His only son (my uncle) was not that great at taking care of people and completely irresponsible. So yeah they all grew up with age old ideas of how ”traditional ” society functions but had to reset their expectations in the face of reality and human frailties.
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2019
    sindmani and nakshatra1 like this.
  6. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    duplicate post by mistake
     
  7. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    If she is healthy, can cook and clean and take care of herself. Otherwise, it is an added work for OP. Not fair for OP. Instead she could contribute in some ways; stay with OP and make it easier on her.
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2019
  8. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Many times older people think all her savings should go to son (rightful), yet OP takes care of her. Her contributing some might in fact help OP and it is the right thing to do.
     
  9. ikigaiaspirant

    ikigaiaspirant New IL'ite

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    Hi msms,
    I think it would be better if you ask your brother to fly down to your city and set up a house for your mother. Let him go through the process of finding a suitable house, signing the agreement, procuring the furniture and establishing a functional kitchen. I am suggesting this only because (1) Mother's long wait for her son's return will be pacified in a some way (2) Brother, who seems to have been so evasive and making empty promises all these years, will get a chance to serve the mother in some way.

    Like you said, your mother has been staying in her daughters' houses, all this time, with the hope that someday she will shift to her (her son's) home. But your brother may be delaying his return due to career issues or even because he is aware of the friction between his wife and his mother. It must have been gradually sinking in that her son's return may not happen anytime soon and she may have to stay with you & your family for a long time to come. So she must be thinking of have an independent house. Not because she has some problem with you, your hubby, etc. (I think you should rule out that angle completely).

    The main reason that may have lead your mother to her present situation could be your brother's promise to return and her hope that he will fulfill the promise some day.

    Destiny has chosen you to support her. So you are blessed but such blessings always come with attached responsibilities and probable misunderstandings in the future. :) Discuss everything with your siblings and act accordingly.
     
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Mothers will have no problem giving birth to and raising many children. But it is not easy for all these children to take care of their mother.
    This is today's reality.

    Everyone is acting selfish in the name of career, tradition, finances etc..etc... and the mother is apparently trying to fit in without disturbing her children much.
    If your spouse is OK, I think you should bring her in, and convince that she can consider your place as hers till her last breath.
    She doesn't have to pay anything to you. Because it is your duty and more so a privilege to live with mother.
    Besides, it is indeed an invaluable benefit for the kids to spend quality time with their grand-mother. I've got to spend my best years with my grandma back then, and I am indeed lucky to witness the same for my kids as well.
    They benefit a lot emotionally with this extra love and affection.

    Make sure that your mother's presence at your home is valued, and respected. Make her feel home, rather than a guest at her DD's place.

    Your sister and your brother will regret for not having this privilege. This way, count on your blessings.

    If they like to contribute, they can always share their part in so many ways.
    Financially, or emotionally or at times physically too.
    There is a long road to go.... They can chime in as and when they can... For now, you can; hence take the lead.
     

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