Help For A Troubled Married Life. For A Man Who Loves His Family In Toto.

OK I can accept what you are going through. By the way it is not going to be hearing on one side of the coin. A coin has both sides. Probably others have adviced u properly. What I wonder is u have recorded ur wife's conversation with her mother? A mother and son will be having so many conversations . Will u be okay if someone records urs with ur mom?

 

Why can't she do it her way?
What is wrong if she does things her way ?
Why do you think she has to do everything exactly like your mother tells her to?

She has left everything and come to live with you in your house. She has to live her life according to your life ,eat food that tastes the way your mom makes it. Why does she also have to cook the way your mom wants it?
What is wrong if it tastes different ?
What is wrong if you eat food that tastes a bit like her home food?
Why do you guys expect your wife to become a copy of your mother? Why marry then because you have the original with you...why want a copy.

If you really want your wife to start taking responsibility ,then let her do things her way. Learn to change for her too.
Appreciate the changes she is making to your life.


As for her parents involvement...remember ,it is very rare for parents to be so involved in their married daughter's life specially middle class parents.
Your wife must have some serious grieviences for them to be so worried .

You know your mother since you were born .
Your mother may be the nicest mother but remember that she is your wife's mother in law.
There is a world of difference between a mother and a mother in law.
Just think about your mother and mother in law. They are not the same people.
You don't seem to like your mother in law even when you hardly ever live with her.

Your wife has to live with her mother in law.Try to understand her issues from her point of view.

 

That’s the reason for most of the problems. MIL wants food only to be prepared like how she does.
She controls DIL just like how she was controlled by her inlaws. This goes on and on!
And most of the guys want their wife to be just like their moms which is highly impossible.
They should realise that both are like parallel lines which can never meet completely

 

First of all stop tapping her phone . That's illegal and paranoid and unhealthy for u too.

Anyways I want to share my experience . When I was newly married I did not know ABC of cooking as I have lived at hostels and focused on studies . But after marg I tried to experiment many recipes , i put so much effort to make them in healthy way. But there were many disasters . But still my husband will find something nice to say and he told I'm the best cook ever. Imagine that! Even if his family members visit he help me in kitchen and he tells me cook whatever item u know best . My MIL too is supportive as my DH is supportive . She is a great cook herself one of the best but never tried to micromanage me that's her maturity. Husband always helps me in kitchen ,so we have fun together cooking . I love to cook for him and I see it as fun not as a chore. Now I reached a stage when many people appreciate my cooking . It is all due to his support in initial period ..Wives love to do things for their husband they just need freedom and appreciation to do it their way .


Not inviting your mother this wrong I can understand ur pain . You guys start holding some functions and let your mom invite them then they will feel awkward not to invite your mom .If they still continue then ask them directly what the issue.

 

Some excellent responses in this thread . I hope even if u take ten per cent of that your life will improve. Your wife is not a cook or a nanny. Not knowing how to cook doesn't make her any less of a woman. And expecting her to be ok with being micromanaged by yoUr mother is just ridiculous . I feel sorry for the crap some women have to go through every single day. Want a happy marriage , move out and stay by yourselves and look at your wife as an individual person with her own needs and desires. She is not yoUr slave. She wants to speak her parents and pour her heart , it's because you are being a jerk. And they being poor , how on earth will that change her equation with them. I am sorry man you are messing up your life with your regressive thinking

 

Don't you see how this backstory makes your predicament with your in-Laws' even worse ?
They are (as you say) poorer and simple minded. They may not know that a married man abandoning his wife&kids is not a hereditary trait that gets passed on from father to son. They are worried, and nervous. They want the daughter to report to them about her well being in your household as frequently as she can. They may even believe that your mom is tainted with bad luck or bad karma or some other superstitious thing that should not be allowed in when there is a festive event in the home.
You need to consult a (divorce) lawyer to find out whether taping your wife is not a crime in your place. The taping may even be proof of abusive behavior, and get her a more favorable judgement in a divorce. You need to stop this right away and get rid of the recordings you have already.

However, all is not negative. Dysfunctional families can go on to produce grownups who may turn out to be much better adjusted to handle the various kinds of human behaviors in the real world. A critical soft-skill that is valuable in any employment. Just like you had benefited from it, you children will too. How much dysfunction is a good dose of dysfunction is the question that should make you get rid of those tapes, and stop taping forthwith.

 

Oh wow! Felt like i was reading my story, except for few incidents..

3 yrs of initial blissful married life and 4th yr when we went to stay with widowed MIL.. things went haywire..

My Mil complained to my mom how i was not doing work/cooking in the house.. and H supported her! ( love marriage, H knew about my so-so skills b4 and after marriage).. since i didnt knew cooking, i was defaulted to learn my Mil ways whose food tasted and felt different than my mom’s cooking. Though it tastes good.. never liked it.. hence was very reluctant to learn from her.. my experimental cooking was always critized soo much so that i used to wake up early to finish cooking before mil wakes up. My H automatically assumed that i will take mil’s place which means doing all the household stuff.. but never gave me chance to be his wife.

Eventually i took care of most of the stuff mil does , but my mil took my place. For my own house construction and pooja and gifts.. i was conveniently pushed aside saying that i dont know how to organize events and dont know rituals. I didnt decide on colors, didnt distribute cards, didnt select caterer, return gifts... this ended at finalizing tenant .. mom and son decided everthing, i was there just namesake after 8 yrs of marriage..I gave up.. that day i showed my worst side.. all the bottled up frustration blew up. Same day my H raised his hand. End of the story!!!!

Just like you mentioned ‘we’ many times, my H does the same stating that him and his mom are team. The importance given to my mil also fueled jealousy when she sees me and H doing any activity together. Yes, i bitch a lot about my mil and H to my mom... exaggerate few things( y not? They also exaggerate and see my shortcomings more than what i am good at). As others suggested, tap the conversation between btw ur mom and sis. You will know bitching is common in women..its a way to let out frustration.

If my mil is really good..
1. She would give me space.
2. She would remember that i am his sons wife first and then her DIL
3. She would console her son saying initial years of marriage are difficult and that he has to adjust.
4. Not expect the whole universe to have same traditions as her house. My mil borrowed traditions from all over which ever she likes and never followed her husband side traditions. Doesnt even care to call or invite her inlaws. Always says bad things about them to my H , but always elevates about her brothers.
5. Respect Dil’s choices as a human being if not as one of the member of the family.
6. Finally, would understand that if son’s life with wife is happy, the whole family would be happy.

But NO! She will never step down from her throne. Never advice son to give me importance and space. Her acts will spoil her son’s life which i dont know why she is not understanding even after watching million episodes of telugu serials.

One last thing... instead of teaching Dils how to cook, how to do household stuff, how to diet, how to call and talk to her side of family/sil, how zillion other women are working outside/cooking full three meals at home/ looks presentable/blah blah like super women...
Tell her son to clean his bike/car everyday, read newspaper or spend time with family instead of watching phone/laptop/tv all the time, go around neighborhood and talk to others, take kids to temples/tuitons, sit with kids atleast for an hour and ask about school or teach them subjects,etc??????

Son’s are excluded from all the work that their dad’s did in their gen. But women aka Dil still has to follow 100 yr old customs!! What shame on (il)literate H and Mils..

 

Very Well stated! If the OP can understand this, he will be able to help himself through the issues.

@KrishnaSri : I understand life could have been tough for you with your dad-mom separation. To me this 'tapping' shows that in a way you are in-secured( because of past happenings) and want to be extra careful. But this is not going to do any good. I believe now you have a beautiful family. Work towards the issues in a healthy way rather than finding your way through loop holes.