help..confused.... what is going on??..

JAG - I agree with this statement for the most part. But if the DH was responisble for building the house, wouldnt they have a right to it?

 

Psych..I dont think that is the case. Otherwise I am pretty sure the OP would have mentioned it in bold in the first or subsequent posts that her DH was the one to build the house.

If we are getting into legalities and demanding our share of the pie ( which is a bad idea when dealing with families which dont have major issues) then the OP has a right to the house if it was built after the marriage and financed in part or total by her spouse using the money that was earned during the marriage. If the house was built before her wedding or by using the money that was saved before her wedding..she has no rights. Atleast thats how things work in the US.
Her DH can push for his rights but from the post I dont think he is on with her on this one.

Rights aside I find it distasteful to demand a room in a house that is already having 2 families.
Most houses in India are fairly modest with limited number of rooms. To expect a room to be earmarked for people who dont even live there is taking ur sense of entitlement too far.

 

JAG - I agree with you. I dont think OP has major IL issues. some gnawing irritating stuff. But her DH seems very supporting. So I dont suggest stirring the pot.

 

Here is my humble opinion. Your BIL is working in your FIL's business (at least that is what I understand) and making a living out of it. Hence, he is already paid for his services done to the business. I presume that your PILs are well off with a decent income and hence they are standing on their own legs with all the facilities that you had described in your posting. Studying and understanding your posting, even if you and your husband decide to go back to India and work in their business, you are not going to get the same treatment as your BIL's family.

You can do the following:

1) Ask your husband to have a frank conversation with his father to discuss whether he intends to distribute his wealth among the children or he intends to give it to your BIL? I presume here that the house is owned by your FIL. This is a typical problem in India, we call as commingling of assets and income. Many in the US suffer due to their not being in India

2) Depending on the answer, you and your DH should decide your strategy. If your FIL's answer is to give everything to your BIL and his family, you need to focus so much on building wealth of your own quickly and buy properties in India for your own use

I believe that a good parent dutifully will inform their children about what is their intent. If they don't, at least they will respond when asked. If they say no to your DH, you both would know where you stand. But under no circumstances, you directly get involved in these discussions. If they say that they intend to distribute it equally among the children, at least, you know, your DH has an option to discuss it with your FIL and BIL.

Let your husband do anything within his means to do it to your parents. Stopping that will hurt his feelings. Please keep reminding him about the duty he has towards you and your children. If they say no to your DH, at least he won't feel guilty of not helping them, if they ever ask for financial help. Please ask your DH not to feel guilty about not being with his parents. He is well educated and hence he is well employed in the US. He also has a duty to take care of his wife and children after he gets married. Since your PIL are healthy and are in business, I do not think your DH need to feel guilty for not taking care of them. If they are sick or dependent, it is a different issue.

This is a very complex problem where MIL and SIL are involved. Your involvement will only create more problem.

 

Please not that it is your BIL who is a dependent on your FIL's business and therefore, your PILs should be happy that you and your DH are not dependent on their wealth. If anyone had to feel guilty, it should be your BIL. He is making a living out of your FIL's business and stays in the house of your FIL.

 

You are blessed to have a supportive DH...don't spoil it by involving ILs issue.

Wedding prep problem: IMO...99% of the cases I have read,heard or seen...intentionally or unintentionally there are some misunderstandings that crop up between the 2 families during the wedding.Even the thought of it makes our blood boil but can we walk into the past and do anything about it?? Even if we can't forget it we have to forgive them...don't make an issue out of this.

Room Problem:Like many have mentioned you live with your DH in your privacy for almost 11 months a year...hopping here and there for 15-20 days is no big deal.It doesn't make sense for them to build a room for you unless u have plans of moving back in the immediate future and want to live together in the same house.

Relation with MIL:Never involve your co-sis in this relation and vice versa (i have burnt my fingers by goofing up on the lateral).If ur MIL tells something abt ur co-sis just don't react.No 2 people r same hence superiority and inferiority complexes will exist.

First of all why did you let ur co-sis throw tantrums abt cooking.If you want to be treated as d-i-l then play ur role by helping or cooking together when at ILs.She shudn't have told what your parents should do.Next time she says something like this remind her that you are not her DiL.

Whitewash once a yr costs about 30-40k.
A/c,Microwave is a one time expense.
They also need to have a life...nothing wrong in them going on holidays.

Building a room which also involves certain modification to the existing house will cost about 2-3 lakhs (approx).What do u expect them to do with "your" room for the time u are in US.

Financial issues:Stop gifts and unwanted expense.If they are worried about what others say like few of them mentioned you also give back in their own tune.

If you think your co-sis is making ur vacation a nightmare and you want to maintain a good rapport with our PiL...instead of you n DH going to India every year ask them to come to US for few months every alternate year.That way you can get to know them well...take them around...it costs almost the same.

Learn to ignore your co-sis and her tantrums or even what her 11 yr old son says.

 

Girl...I feel sorry for you and can understand your restlessness about not working.Try hard by not thinking about them...maybe by preparing for interviews or something.Having a child is entirely yours and DH's decision.Don't succumb to family pressure.

Its good that your DH has atleast realised the wrong doing by his family and said he will speak up when time comes.Have patience.Leave it to DH when he wants to speak up.Its maybe just this phase of things not working the way you is frustrating you even more in addition to the tantrums by ur co-sis and fil.

Have faith in urself and ur married life.Things will be fine once u begin working again.I would suggest you reduce your frequency of calls till things settle down with your job.

 

wow - same story here as well. DH built the house and his parents and sister live there. He provides for their daily needs and provides for his niece - expensive stuff like laptop, camera etc. Still he gets blamed for not doing enough. They have not even paid for DHs college education in India. They think money grows on trees in the US. Just because we are here, its assumed that we get stuff for Free!

good thing your DH is also with you. He will speak up!! A kid is solely you and your dh decesion.