help..confused.... what is going on??..

Not just manipulated your disrespected, mistreated and taken for a ride. NOt just you your H too. Hope he realizes. It will be very hard for him to accept and see that his own family is stabbing him in the back.
For now, All you can do is
1. talk to h and tell him how you feel and assure him you support him and love him no matter what.
2. ignore all their behavior, don't confornt, don't try to change them, don't show you are hurt.
3. Stop sending any gifts, money etc. when thay ask say ignore, don't commit and send. If bil has to pay taxes so should you. If fil has to answer friends so should you. you have to answer your friends about what Il's gave you as gift.
4. Plan for the future. Buy a house or flat so your money is saved by paying the loan.
5. Don't expect your h will inherit anything as you are not getting even the room.
All the best in planning for your future.

 

Here your main problem is your co-sis, i think you in laws are helpless and have to side her because they stay
together, it is the duty of every host to make the house comfortable and you co sis is lacking these qualities, I believe she is bit jealous thinking you have a great life in US.. that's why she throw tantrums when u are here.. though you r also a DIL since you are visiting for a short period you and your DH have to be treated like guests , here guests means you have to be given a decent room and other amenities so your short holiday will be memorable...

I remember we use to vacate our room to a smaller one so we could accommodate my SIL's family when they are holidaying at our place we try to give them maximum comfort till they are here.. i think this should be the attitude but your co-sis just want to use every space in the house as if to show you or give u a hint that this is her space and u have no rights to that place.

I advice u not take things seriously now, minimize ur calls to her, no need to feel guilty of not sending them money.. your FIL and BIL are making enuf money, think of your future alone... occasional small gifts will do for them, dont need to go over board to please them.

 

Hi

I feel that it is time you pay them back in the same coin. Everytime your inlaws talk of probing friends, you reply saying how your and DHs friends were shocked to see you guys returning empty handed. If you have no kids, plan one and keep harping that you have to think about your child as well. In any case make it clear that your kid will be born in US only.

Touchwood, good that your DH is so supportive.

 

Right now you are newly married for 2 years and are staying in the US , thats why there is no room for you at PILs place.
You come over once a year, soon enough maybe once in a couple of years so do you intend to keep your room locked at PILs place ?
Since your co-sis stays there obviously her stuff will be all over the house, remember she is the one taking care of the household and PILs while you are a visitor.
Maybe she feels inferior to you and BIL and has a secret grudge that you and DH are given extra treatment as visitors while she is the one who slogs round the year.
Your PILs are wise not to heed to your complaints, are you willing to keep them with you if they take your side and scold the CO-sis ?
Your DH is right in saying that you should not pay heed to kitchen politics as you are far away in US and only visit .Maybe you all will also settle there once kids arrive.
Regarding the family business , your BIL is taking care of it while your DH is earning just for his own wife(you) and will also get share from family business as he is putting in money.
Enjoy life with your DH while family and relatives is taken care of by BIL and co-sis !! Dont compare and spoil the present . :bonk
PS
Mostly girls going abroad dont use saris much , maybe thats why your inlaws didnt give you.

 

Looks like the problems have started from your wedding. Did your DH insist on getting wedded in a month or was it your PILs? Did it so happen that DH insisted on it while PILs were not fully convinced? What was their attitude towards you before the wedding?

It was extremely stupid of your MIL to tell you, the new DIL that the DIL staying with her all year long is jealous of you. MILs would do well to not discuss one DIL with the other. It is very common for DIL and MIL staying together to have miscellaneous issues as they get to see most sides of each other. And familiarity breeds contempt. Your cosis probably feels that you are "free" from all this while she has to stay with them. She is taking it out on you by asking you to do all the work when you visit. To avoid resentment on your part, you could probably try and be more proactive as it is your family as well. I agree with flower lady about the business and room part.

Regarding the financial issues, you ought to sit DH down and plan for your future like setting aside an amount every month, investing in a new house etc. Try and understand his views on sending money and get on the same page.

You can also try and back off regarding the calling, giving gifts etc. Give less if it bothers you and expect less.

 

It would have been nice if they consulted you. They didnt...not a big deal. Put it behind you.
They did present you with a dress and ur first mistake ....not respecting the wedding saree by not wearing it. What if it wasnt upto 'your' mark..you could have worn it for an few minutes and indulged them..

Lets see ...u live in the Us .I assme u have ur own home or apartment.
U must have plently of space to keep your things. U visit them what a few days a year and u expect them to ear-mark a room for the remaining 360 days for u ?
Its time u get a reality check. Its a home that ur PIL share with ur BIL. If u want
space in India ..buy a small apt in India .

Its frankly none of ur business what they do with their money. Building a room for you for the few days u visit them in a year will be last of their priorities. Are u trying to say that they dont
need basic comforts like an AC in the hot summers or microwave ?
(which I assume u enjoy in the Us .)

Did u try to find out why? May be ur attitude rubbed her the wrong way. I know my co-sis would be really annoyed if I land once every couple of years in a home she shares with my PIL and demand when MY room is..

Never discuss ur Co -sis with ur MIL. Its like playing with fire.

I think u have a very decent set of in laws .Don't mess it up. You want a room in that house . Remember they dont even have to give the land ....be thankful they are open to the idea....hire an architect adn a builder pay for it and get it done. Their life doesn't have to revolve around ur convenience.

Let ur DH decide how he wants to handle the gifts and other financial obligations with ur PIL as long it is within a budget u both can agree to. Dont worry about what others can or cannot gift you.Remember its blessed to be in a position to give.

Ur Cosis/BIL are in a joint family with ur PIL. Its their house .If u want the same status in ur PIL home...first .move back to India ..then stay in a joint family with them ...u can have ur things in the entire house.
Until then...u are a guest.Rights dont come without responsibilities.

A 11yr old is a kid. They are natually curious. stop over-reacting to a kids question and drawing conclusions about what their parents talk from that. Remember some day u will have ur own kids and they will say the darnest things and when they do ..we want the adults around to take it in stride and not make a mountain out of a molehill.

Ps: You are in a position which many women around the world would give anything to have ..
a loving spouse ,a decent living and non -interfering inlaws. Be thankful for what u have been blessed with and stop creating problems for urself and ur DH.

 

I too have an elder BIL and I faced similar experiences with co-sis. Though I have tried to get along, numerous are the occasions she tried to put me down. Though she always provided us space in their house. Regarding money, they were never considerate about our needs and I was also foolish in thinking that doing all this would make them happy. I developed a spine only after my kid was born. My take is,

Regarding your own room, if you are not in a joint family even after coming from US, dont bother and buy your own house.
Dont spend money foolishly on them. It is never given any value. Is the money you are spending used for business? and are you sure you have a share in the business? If it is so,ignore. If not, pls start saving your yourselves too and avoid spending on unnecessary things for them too.
Co-sis needs to be ignored big time. Dont give importane to her talk but be firm in your dealings with her. You are also the daughter in law of family just like her. These dramas are made by my cosis too and I think you should simply live your life ignoring her tantrums. Because there is very little chance that she will change unless you change the way you deal with her.
Dont depend on MIL to back you. She wont. She will try to look out for her interests just like you do. And for her, maintaining with the other cosis makes sense since she stays with her.

I can only tell you one thing. Make your own life , your own friends and family and dont depend on them to give you happiness. Accept that they are like this and look after your own life. Atleast that way, you want have any grudges against them and wont expect anything from them too.

 

And what rights are we talking about here..
Ur room in a house that doesn't belong to you or ur DH? Sorry it doesnt work that way .
Unless ur PIL demand a room in the apt/home u stay with ur DH in US...and ship some of the things from India to store overseas so they can use it during their stay with u in US.