1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

help..confused.... what is going on??..

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by peaceofmind, Dec 24, 2011.

  1. peaceofmind

    peaceofmind New IL'ite

    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi everyone

    Although this is the first time I am writing on this forum, I have been a reader of the posts for almost two years now. Hence a special thanks to this forum for showing me that I am not alone!!... And now when it is time I would want opinions from everyone as to what you this is going on at my ILs.

    I got married to a wonderful man 2 yrs ago. The problems started even before we got married. Ours is a love cum arranged marriage and I have no issues with my DH. He is as wonderful and supportive as someone could be!!

    Let me start from the beginning and continue in points so that its easier to read :

    Background : Both of ours is a middle class family and DH got a job in US right after we got engaged and our wedding was arranged in a matter of a month as he wanted to take me along but my ILs knew about us since one year before we got married. The wedding was a small affair with only the closest of 30 people present. My ILs home in India is overnight driving distance from my parents. We arranged everything for the wedding. Did everything according to riti-riwaz. Presented them with our affection and gifts as are expected in a normal family. My ILs are well off own a home, business and property in India. My elder BIL and Co-sis and their son stay with them and my BIL is involved with family business.

    Problems:

    1) They did not prepare atall for the wedding. They just came as if one goes to a distant relatives wedding. DH was not around for preparations as he was in another town for work. ILs did not consult me nor ask me how I wanted my wedding dress to be. They just sent me a saree of their own choice to be worn for the wedding and trust me when I say it wasn't up to the mark and I ended up wearing something from my own collection for my wedding day. And I know this because they did everything of my elder co-sis choice for wedding, gave her a proper trousseau and a nice reception after the wedding which was ofcourse not done for us.

    2) Till date my DH and me do not have a room in my ILs house and keep on going from one room to another when we visit them. It is frustating because every bride expects her own apace after getting married. They have space to build on the property but they would rather get airconditioning in their rooms than build a room for us. My DH use to stay in a small room b4 we got married and now even that room has been converted to a storage space instead of being given to us.

    3) My MIL is a nice woman or appears to be so.. I just don't know. The first time I came to India 6 months after getting married.. the first thing she told me when she found me alone was .. the my co-sis is very jealous of me since she is a graduate in arts and I am academically and professionally far ahead from her.

    4) On my first visit to my ILs place, my co-sis threw all sorts of tantrums... wanted me to cook... told me specifically everything that was supposed to be done from my parents end. Did she really have any business telling me anything. I have been nothing but cordial with them but she makes it a point to bring up something or the other. The result : my first ever visit for just 3 days to my ILs house has left many scars because of her.

    But life went on and we came back to US.

    5) This time when we visited them we planned to go for a trip to a pilgrimage and wanted everyone to go together and we wanted to pay for everything. So we discussed the plan... and after hours of debate the plan was formalised... we booked rooms and everything online... Now one day before we have to leave for the trip my BIL and co-sis suddenly decide they dont want to go... everything was booked keeping them in mind .. we even cut our trip short from 5 to 3 days so that their son could come with us since he has school.

    5) anyways we go on the trip and for the first time I actually get a chance to talk to my ILs. And I told them that I have been hurt by the co-sis on several occasions even during the phonecalls that we make everyweek. And they have only one thing to say... she is like that only... she is rude... she thinks only she is right... and whne I asked them that waht is going on with the room that was supposed to be build for my DH and me... they say ohh yeah that is on cards..sometime in future... WOW... I mean they can get their home whitewashed... get new A/Cs... microwaves.... go on holidays 2 times in a year... all 5 of them... but whne it comes to us.... they cant even give us a proper space to call our own..

    6) My FIL and BIL earn ..have home...shops....but..They ask for money from DH over phone... both MIL, FIL and BIL... MIL says... ur father feels bad when everyone asks him about u know... ab to beta US mein hai.... so how much is he sending... FIL says you should give something to your mother... BIL says they have to pay taxes for the business.... its not like we dont send them anything we do send them gifts for birthdays... although I or DH havent recieved a single gift from any of them for b'day or anniversaries.... we also send them movey for karva chauth, diwali and major festivals...we do not allow them to spend a single penny when we are in india and take gifts for them when we go to visit them... but they not even once hesitate taking money from DH if I asked them to get some masalas for the kitchen from them.... DH says dont worry about petty things.. If you have a problem with me then we'll talk.. I am doing everything in my capacity for you... but some how these words dont suffice when I see what they do.... I mean even if you leave me out of the picture.... i feel so angry for how they treat DH and I dont mean by words... I mean .... its like one way traffic of money and gifts!!

    7) My co-sis exists in all the rooms of the house when we go there... she has her stuff even in the living room.. i mean its almost like she wants to have every inch of that place... and it really makes me insecure... I go there for 15 days but eventually if we would have to move back... that place doesnt seem like ours.... not even my DHs... its sad!!! and I dunno wat to do!!

    8) The biggest surprise that I got was from my BILs 11 year old son.... This 11 year old comes and asks my DH...so chacha when u come to india for a month ... do you rent out ur apt in US???... i mean how can an 11 yr old think in terms of property and money unless... everyone is taking in front of him about these things.... and I imply from this that they only talk about money or sent him to ask DH .

    I thinks I have written a long thread... but I would really appreciate anyone's opinion on what exactly you think is going on.... every time they do something or say something.... I try to get past it by thinking why shuld I spoil my health for them by thinking abt them... i am nice to them always... but this time after coming back I cant get these things out of my mind... i feel my DH and me are being manipulated... but I dont know how to handle this... I dont know how to tackle them nor do i know how to give myself some peace of mind....

    Moreover everytime I feel ok... lets get past the mistakes of the past and look at the future... they do something or say something that makes me remember all that they have done/said till date.... I dunno what to do!!!

    Thanks in advance for your opinions!!
     
    Loading...

  2. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,599
    Likes Received:
    747
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    Not just manipulated your disrespected, mistreated and taken for a ride. NOt just you your H too. Hope he realizes. It will be very hard for him to accept and see that his own family is stabbing him in the back.
    For now, All you can do is
    1. talk to h and tell him how you feel and assure him you support him and love him no matter what.
    2. ignore all their behavior, don't confornt, don't try to change them, don't show you are hurt.
    3. Stop sending any gifts, money etc. when thay ask say ignore, don't commit and send. If bil has to pay taxes so should you. If fil has to answer friends so should you. you have to answer your friends about what Il's gave you as gift.
    4. Plan for the future. Buy a house or flat so your money is saved by paying the loan.
    5. Don't expect your h will inherit anything as you are not getting even the room.
    All the best in planning for your future.
     
  3. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,110
    Likes Received:
    1,417
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Here your main problem is your co-sis, i think you in laws are helpless and have to side her because they stay
    together, it is the duty of every host to make the house comfortable and you co sis is lacking these qualities, I believe she is bit jealous thinking you have a great life in US.. that's why she throw tantrums when u are here.. though you r also a DIL since you are visiting for a short period you and your DH have to be treated like guests , here guests means you have to be given a decent room and other amenities so your short holiday will be memorable...

    I remember we use to vacate our room to a smaller one so we could accommodate my SIL's family when they are holidaying at our place we try to give them maximum comfort till they are here.. i think this should be the attitude but your co-sis just want to use every space in the house as if to show you or give u a hint that this is her space and u have no rights to that place.

    I advice u not take things seriously now, minimize ur calls to her, no need to feel guilty of not sending them money.. your FIL and BIL are making enuf money, think of your future alone... occasional small gifts will do for them, dont need to go over board to please them.
     
  4. lakshmi13

    lakshmi13 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    121
    Likes Received:
    309
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi

    I feel that it is time you pay them back in the same coin. Everytime your inlaws talk of probing friends, you reply saying how your and DHs friends were shocked to see you guys returning empty handed. If you have no kids, plan one and keep harping that you have to think about your child as well. In any case make it clear that your kid will be born in US only.

    Touchwood, good that your DH is so supportive.
     
  5. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,921
    Likes Received:
    2,465
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Right now you are newly married for 2 years and are staying in the US , thats why there is no room for you at PILs place.
    You come over once a year, soon enough maybe once in a couple of years so do you intend to keep your room locked at PILs place ?
    Since your co-sis stays there obviously her stuff will be all over the house, remember she is the one taking care of the household and PILs while you are a visitor.
    Maybe she feels inferior to you and BIL and has a secret grudge that you and DH are given extra treatment as visitors while she is the one who slogs round the year.
    Your PILs are wise not to heed to your complaints, are you willing to keep them with you if they take your side and scold the CO-sis ?
    Your DH is right in saying that you should not pay heed to kitchen politics as you are far away in US and only visit .Maybe you all will also settle there once kids arrive.
    Regarding the family business , your BIL is taking care of it while your DH is earning just for his own wife(you) and will also get share from family business as he is putting in money.
    Enjoy life with your DH while family and relatives is taken care of by BIL and co-sis !! Dont compare and spoil the present . :bonk
    PS
    Mostly girls going abroad dont use saris much , maybe thats why your inlaws didnt give you.
     
    4 people like this.
  6. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    754
    Likes Received:
    1,252
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Looks like the problems have started from your wedding. Did your DH insist on getting wedded in a month or was it your PILs? Did it so happen that DH insisted on it while PILs were not fully convinced? What was their attitude towards you before the wedding?

    It was extremely stupid of your MIL to tell you, the new DIL that the DIL staying with her all year long is jealous of you. MILs would do well to not discuss one DIL with the other. It is very common for DIL and MIL staying together to have miscellaneous issues as they get to see most sides of each other. And familiarity breeds contempt. Your cosis probably feels that you are "free" from all this while she has to stay with them. She is taking it out on you by asking you to do all the work when you visit. To avoid resentment on your part, you could probably try and be more proactive as it is your family as well. I agree with flower lady about the business and room part.

    Regarding the financial issues, you ought to sit DH down and plan for your future like setting aside an amount every month, investing in a new house etc. Try and understand his views on sending money and get on the same page.

    You can also try and back off regarding the calling, giving gifts etc. Give less if it bothers you and expect less.
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,891
    Likes Received:
    7,029
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    It would have been nice if they consulted you. They didnt...not a big deal. Put it behind you.
    They did present you with a dress and ur first mistake ....not respecting the wedding saree by not wearing it. What if it wasnt upto 'your' mark..you could have worn it for an few minutes and indulged them..

    Lets see ...u live in the Us .I assme u have ur own home or apartment.
    U must have plently of space to keep your things. U visit them what a few days a year and u expect them to ear-mark a room for the remaining 360 days for u ?
    Its time u get a reality check. Its a home that ur PIL share with ur BIL. If u want
    space in India ..buy a small apt in India .
    Its frankly none of ur business what they do with their money. Building a room for you for the few days u visit them in a year will be last of their priorities. Are u trying to say that they dont
    need basic comforts like an AC in the hot summers or microwave ?
    (which I assume u enjoy in the Us .)
    Did u try to find out why? May be ur attitude rubbed her the wrong way. I know my co-sis would be really annoyed if I land once every couple of years in a home she shares with my PIL and demand when MY room is..

    Never discuss ur Co -sis with ur MIL. Its like playing with fire.


    I think u have a very decent set of in laws .Don't mess it up. You want a room in that house . Remember they dont even have to give the land ....be thankful they are open to the idea....hire an architect adn a builder pay for it and get it done. Their life doesn't have to revolve around ur convenience.
    Let ur DH decide how he wants to handle the gifts and other financial obligations with ur PIL as long it is within a budget u both can agree to. Dont worry about what others can or cannot gift you.Remember its blessed to be in a position to give.
    Ur Cosis/BIL are in a joint family with ur PIL. Its their house .If u want the same status in ur PIL home...first .move back to India ..then stay in a joint family with them ...u can have ur things in the entire house.
    Until then...u are a guest.Rights dont come without responsibilities.

    A 11yr old is a kid. They are natually curious. stop over-reacting to a kids question and drawing conclusions about what their parents talk from that. Remember some day u will have ur own kids and they will say the darnest things and when they do ..we want the adults around to take it in stride and not make a mountain out of a molehill.

    Ps: You are in a position which many women around the world would give anything to have ..
    a loving spouse ,a decent living and non -interfering inlaws. Be thankful for what u have been blessed with and stop creating problems for urself and ur DH.
     
    6 people like this.
  8. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    781
    Likes Received:
    767
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    I too have an elder BIL and I faced similar experiences with co-sis. Though I have tried to get along, numerous are the occasions she tried to put me down. Though she always provided us space in their house. Regarding money, they were never considerate about our needs and I was also foolish in thinking that doing all this would make them happy. I developed a spine only after my kid was born. My take is,

    Regarding your own room, if you are not in a joint family even after coming from US, dont bother and buy your own house.
    Dont spend money foolishly on them. It is never given any value. Is the money you are spending used for business? and are you sure you have a share in the business? If it is so,ignore. If not, pls start saving your yourselves too and avoid spending on unnecessary things for them too.
    Co-sis needs to be ignored big time. Dont give importane to her talk but be firm in your dealings with her. You are also the daughter in law of family just like her. These dramas are made by my cosis too and I think you should simply live your life ignoring her tantrums. Because there is very little chance that she will change unless you change the way you deal with her.
    Dont depend on MIL to back you. She wont. She will try to look out for her interests just like you do. And for her, maintaining with the other cosis makes sense since she stays with her.

    I can only tell you one thing. Make your own life , your own friends and family and dont depend on them to give you happiness. Accept that they are like this and look after your own life. Atleast that way, you want have any grudges against them and wont expect anything from them too.
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. peaceofmind

    peaceofmind New IL'ite

    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you everyone for your kind opinions...

    I have something to say to justanothergirl .... I am talking about a family.... the benchmark has already been set by my PILs with the elder DIL... hence it is fair for them to follow the suite with the second DIL.... if they were having any financial trouble I wold have myself told them to save the money and not gimme anything... but fortunately thts not the case.....
    and in such matters its not just abt the DILs... its also about equality of the two sons... both of whom respect them... and do for them what needs to be done... then in my opinion it is only fair for them to treat both of them equally and give both of them equally if they can... and in this case they can... but they choose not to.... that is what bothers me.....

    I am not a guest in the household but a member... sharing responsibilities that are given to me by my folks ... and it is my request to you not to call any DIL a guest in their own family setting.... staying in US does not alleviate one from their responsibilities to either set if parents ...
    It is absolutely my business to see that my rights and that of my DH are taken care of...
    Thanks anyways for your opinions...
     
    1 person likes this.
  10. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,891
    Likes Received:
    7,029
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    And what rights are we talking about here..
    Ur room in a house that doesn't belong to you or ur DH? Sorry it doesnt work that way .
    Unless ur PIL demand a room in the apt/home u stay with ur DH in US...and ship some of the things from India to store overseas so they can use it during their stay with u in US.
     
    1 person likes this.

Share This Page