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Having Hard Time With Family And New One...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sanjuruby3, Nov 26, 2018.

  1. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    totally agree. a few days of late nights wont hurt your daughter (she will catch up during next day's nap) but he will wind-up fast if she is there with him. tell your hubby and his friend together that you arent feeling well and need some rest and leave.
     
  2. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Sanju,

    Reading your post was giving me flashbacks to two decades back when I was expecting my younger one! What your h is doing is not that uncommon. sometimes I feel this may be their way of rebelling against the steady encroaching of humdrum domesticity and it’s associated responsibilities.

    Looking forward you need to understand one thing clearly once baby is born you will be out of picture. It was impossible for me to even have older one in same room as baby because baby would unlatch instantly and follow elder bro’s movements eagerly. Same with reading or any of the activities we used to do together. Mom and gp’s won’t work 24/7 because your daughter will be bewildered by all the changes and no mom and want to be with her parents or at least someone familiar around. Like it or not that is daddy. Your mom will play a supporting role in kitchen max. So from now itself keep daughter with your h. Let them go out have daddy- dd outings and bond together. They have to develop their own dynamic without your input translating each to other as you will be out of picture period.

    Plan and make arrangements as if you will be out of picture for few months. Cos you never know. If in reality it is not so bad that is fine.
     
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  3. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    This is so very true. Read it again @sanjuruby3. Once the baby is born, you will not be able to spend a whole lot of time with your older one at least for first week. You will be still healing from the childbirth and trying to figure out a new balance.

    You are lucky that you will have your mom with you. Let her manage the kitchen or whatever she can. Hire help. Contrary to the belief, you do not have to pick everything up for the cleaner to get the work done. We have a large bin in the garage, our cleaner uses it to collect all the toys off the floor and the kids can find their stuff in the bin later. In the kitchen, I keep a large tray where she can put random little things, my husband leaves the mail on kitchen counter and of course our cleaner doesn't know where it goes so she just put it in the tray and we sort at whenever we have time.
    If you ask for recommendations and hire from a reputable company, you don't have to worry about jewelry or anything in your house. Our cleaner comes during day when we aren't at home and I leave her salary in cash on the counter. For the Thanksgiving week, I kept extra in the envelop and she texted me to ask if it was on purpose or by mistake. It is such a blessing to have trustworthy people.

    As @Rakhii mentioned, tidy house is a myth. My house is usually pretty well organized except for the kids toys on the floor. We bought a low, long dresser (I can send you picture if you wish) for the living room (and believe me it doesn't look out of place). It has nine drawers dedicated for different kind of toys and art supplies. Kids know what goes where since it's the same concept at the daycare as well and they put their stuff away without much fuss. And when they are too tired to put the toys away, it takes us only 10 minutes to throw those in the drawers. Similarly, we have a trunk style coffee table that holds the bigger toys- trucks and all for my son.

    For meals, I would suggest you freeze several meals before baby is born. And if you can't, go for pizza or home delivery from your favorite place for a few days. Everyone will be overwhelmed and last think you want is to worry about meals.

    Congratulations and good luck with everything!
     
    1Sandhya and sindmani like this.
  4. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    thanks girls.
    Like last night i was tired and i told to order. He wanted to cook and me also. But he is also so lost in his new gadget setting up that i knew he is not going to do anything at all. Like dishes is his chore. I have many things other than house chores I want to do when i buy new, like some crafts stuff but no, they go in closet and hardly find time. Even on vacation or thxgiving holidays, I have to keep telling him 1000 times, i want to focus on my paint or this, but no... my regular chores, I do not or won't side line. Hobbies always are past time when we have time but for me... no. they forget everything. Anything i say, brings fights.

    So ultimately he realized i won'nt do, he brought food but did not cleanup etc. Now morning he is telling me he does want to order from outside, he does not have money, but of course for gadgets or sending to brother to india so they can remodel their home or for drink parties he has.
    I even wonder why did he decide to have another one if he knew if is not mentally into family way.
    He is not a bad father but bad H and not really great father. Will do everything to spoil her or get in good light of kid, do not know he is spoiling her.

    @nuss - can u please send me link of that toy dress?
    We have couple, but they can not contain all toys and mostly empty. Like one for IKEA and 1 for books but books are always on floor. Also we do not have anything in main living room area where she plays most of time.
     
  5. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    DEC02030-D895-4C81-B6DE-21A7ECFD2E39.jpeg C0ADAFE5-47B4-4E3C-8D13-F1E597DB4719.jpeg A34B14B3-93BD-4238-B621-C9A16627FC6F.jpeg 04DB6F9A-A632-43C2-8E4F-1AD966CADF4F.jpeg
    @sanjuruby3 - here are a few examples. The dresser is in first two pictures. I bought it from Craigslist for ~$200, it is worth every penny, it keeps the toys organized.
    Third picture is our coffee table chest. We aren’t using it as a coffee table anymore. It opens up from top and can hold all sort of big toys- dolls, trucks, even balls etc.
    Last picture is of our nook. As @Rakhii mentioned, we also keep a laundry basket downstairs for socks and random tees that are thrown around. I found this bee kind one, it is also a reminder when the kids fight, they have to sit next to the “Bee kind” hamper and figure out if he/she was being kind.
    Most importantly, 3-5 is a hard age to deal with. Don’t beat yourself up, we all have been there. My 3 year old creates drama every morning- she just finds things to cry about.
    Hugs!
     
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  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Continue ordering the food when someone comes over. The steady stream of people will stop.

    Not cleaning up? Go to bed and let it be there. Still not clean in the AM, send a text with pic and say please clean up. Gosh sounds like a teen, these are all things I do with the teen!
     
  7. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for going through effort of taking pics for me.
    After the day you gave me idea of low dresser, i have been looking for it. Just today, I saw one at homegoods but was not very deep for toys. It was on clearance. Also I like idea of coffee table chest for bigger toys and hamper. Since i have same things, H changes her clothes sometimes, so one or another is always on sofa ..that keeps irritating me as laundary is not far away still ..would defintely do that.
    All her toys organizers or toy baskets are in her bedroom where she never plays or sleeps. So so out of million half of her toys are in common room.
     
  8. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    I feel like a dog reminding him again and again. I was so fed up cleaning toilets every other week, last week i told him to do but he did not. Now it is getting mold and again i reminded him but no...nothing.
    ysday we went to some fiends place for lunch, i told i want to rest you go. Friend is v casual and comes home every week so he will not get mad etc. No, you have to come..else i will not take kid. He is mad at me so I went. Now 4 hrs of sitting is enough for me. I said i want to go back now. What he is doing, he said i will drop and come back or this guy you come with us. I am so mad now, that i asked someone to take us home and he stay there. He came back at 10 and again in the sunday afternoon that guy is at our door. Even though he is good friend, i feel irritated at his frequency now and my H invites him.

    I do not know if its common for men to do this specially for 2nd kid. Every weekend is like crying weekend for me and never happy. I feel like doing something wrong. Either I lie down in bed hungry because I went out of house in agitation for 3 hrs and did not eat full meals and keep getting irritated thinking all of my co-sisters in indian getting all support of support from H, who cook clean and leave for office too.

    Here, I manage work, kid and sometimes grocery or house shopping in which he had no participation at all,
    and then kitchen cooking( if not always but 70% of time), cleaning, house cleaning, laundry.. I feel like a maid while he is away for 6 hrs at friends place gosiping or watching movie while I am putting kid to bed plus tired plus listening to her tantrums that i want daddy.

    I wonder why women do go to each others house alone and stay for 6 hrs like my H does
    On top of that, i feel that my friends H are more sincere and ask my health and when my H invites him home for drinks, he says no because of me and tells him to come with kid instead so i can rest. this burns...
     
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2018
  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    @nuss Hi!!!
    Love the one where your kid is photobombing your attempt to get the toychest! rotfl!!
     
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  10. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    Of course, kids have to get on and jump from the thing mommy is taking a picture of
     

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