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Having Hard Time With Family And New One...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sanjuruby3, Nov 26, 2018.

  1. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    you have cleaning agencies where you can hire cleaners weekly or biweekky, scout around and find the one who suits you based on reviews

    for help in kitchen ,you will need to.find Indians which i think is little difficult, leave ads in grocery stores or temples or Facebook groups, you can verify them from prevous employers or you could try and find somebody who supplies home made food.

    if we were in India most of house hold have help so ,the burden is automatically reduced, if you are abroad ,I think we do not go for help since it is expensive.

    I think it is women's fault that we do not look for paid help because we again feel responsible for savings. if supportive husband is not there then he should at least feel the pinch of money paid to.hired help. no one will be garlanding you for your slogging and spoiling your health. so we need.loosen our purse strings and get help.
     
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  2. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Sanju - Congrats on the pregnancy. You wanted this baby! I'm happy for you!

    Regarding the workload, you do need help. I'm a SAHM with a DH who pitches in at home and I still have help. I can't do it all. I have friends who do that but I'm not them. I do have a weekly cleaning lady. She also helped with the laundry until DD and DH started tackling it for me.

    I expect gifts and thankfully my DH is good with that. Initially, he used to say things like "I do all this for you, why buy flowers or other things to prove my love to you". I think over the years he has gotten the idea. I used to pick my own gifts and buy them and tell him you bought me this, this and that for my birthday! He tells me that the sheer joy I got from these things is why he started doing it. You should not deny yourself a gift if you truly want it just because DH says it isn't "important". Buy that cake and those flowers.

    With your toddler, you do need someone to help for a few hrs, bath time, park time etc so you can relax. Look to see if you can get a part-time nanny. You will need one when the baby is here anyway. Try starting someone on a part-time basis now so you can get used to the person and be comfortable with her before the baby gets here.

    Friends coming over? Don't bother with the clutter. Just declutter the living room. When they come, you can ask your DH if he prefers Chinese or Italian for dinner. Pick up the phone and order. If he's cooking, let the kitchen be. Once he knows you won't clean after him or make rice/rotis, hopefully, the invites home will fade.

    Btw, I had that hyper-enhanced sense of smell that you are talking about during both my pregnancies. It went away mid second trimester both times. I could smell stuff that nobody else could. Weird but my docs seemed to think it was completely ok.

    Have a happy pregnancy! You deserve it.
     
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  3. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    I second this. Little bit of retail therapy comes a long way.[/QUOTE]
    Thanks girls,
    Thats what I did on my bday this time. I thought I deserve the small small things I have been wanting to buy for long time so I just went on spree in rage. I still giggle when I think of it. BTW, I had told him what I want for my Bday, i still did not get that :-( but thats okay. My next visit to store, I will get it myself. Atleast that makes me happy.

    About house chores, after all these episodes happened, I realized I am also at mistake at somewhere. Need not to expect a lot from him and give a lot to him. I hear stories of H taking toddler away for groceries or friends place because pregnant mother could sleep and rest and here my H is really idiot. I tell him take her to groceries ..would say 'no' point blank. I know its hard with toddler to groceries or any shop infact but think i will get to rest or think straight for sometime but no. So many of my pregnant friends, their wives were never to seen until delivery or late pregnancy after recovering from smells etc but no party hosting in pregnancy. But this guy wants to go dang dang dang... I go to other peoples places too but its hard for me to sit longer or sit on hard surfaces like floor or eat spicy as i get lot of acidity. Also cleaning toddlers stuff, weekly simple mopping etc is enough on my head. I tell him one sunday can u clean toilets today? I would have done myself if this ..that. He said yes. Did he get to it? no never.....
    Only bad I feel is with all this, my LO gets ignored or suffers my anger. She thinks daddy is all goodie and gets him gifts or gets to watch TV whole day because he he wants to watch or does not want to worry about her ...etc but she does not know what is good for her.
    I meet woman who work much harder/longer/far in job than i do and pregnant which means they H manage everything and shuttle kids all the time and i feel this guy can not miss 15 mins of match for her daughter to make her sit /study.
    He is been watching movies every weekend with friend and 1 weekend i got for 2 hrs for some gorcery + walmart + hobby lobby or bed bath kind of store for home stuff, not personal etc that too all alone, means i went to have fun.
    Anyways I decided to click 'Buy' button anytime he distresses me :)
     
  4. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    Yes I am very excited for my 2nd one and always wanted to have more but i knew its going to be very hard with my age/job and issues with H.
    Every sunday he will decorate himself in front of TV at strict 1 and will not get up till 11 or 1 of night. Will invite his friend too. Now my toddler she also has to sit in front of TV whenever it is playing, no matter what is coming on TV. He does not care what ads are coming on TV, what she is watching or she is watching for 4 continous hours ...no. She needs milk or shower or snacks.. no record of that.In front of him and Tv, she becomes stubborn, i call her to get away, she resists or fights or won't even turn face to take bite into her mouth for dinner.
    I feel if women start following such routine, every weekend sitting together at someones house in front of TV and hogging all space, i am sure men won't like and it will be considered so irresponsible of us. I would have done that if i had such friends circle.

    Thanksgiving week, he invited people over and he volunteered cooking and ultimately got tired. Similarly I get tired of cooking or cleaning(which he never ever does). Cooking is only where he can contribute. Cleaning clothes 5-6 times min/week, cleaning home, again..rinse repeat cycle. I don't change bed sheets often and do not do towels or folding as often i should do.
    About eating outside, we eat out a lot. Infact i should eat outside less but we eat a lot and i worry about my daughter for that. With indian restaurant foods, I get acidity because of their gravvies so we eat sandwiches etc more which are also overloaded with cheese etc and 1 time meal will make you full for half day which is not right. Then because of smell, pregnancy taste issues etc, i eat bland a lot.
    Now i have found some indian cook so i will try her soon.
     
  5. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Sanju, after the second baby is born, its going to be even more harder. I mean, if he continues to call people over, it will be a nightmare. Now would be a good time to plan. Have you spoken with him about how things will be when the baby is here? I can already tell you that the chances of PPD are more with you, considering he is being so insensitive.

    Call that Indian cook today itself and see what she says. Employ her for roti's and curries and you can make chawal at home.
     
  6. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks Rakhi,
    After baby, i am planning not to cook at all this time. Same had happened first time. People were bringing food and instead of taking it, he is cooking more and returning back their vessels. Is this the time to return favour, baby is 3-4 days old and we have no help at home?
    Last time I immediately returning from hospital starting cooking or making stuff and i know see the consequences. My child was ignored and i lost focus.
    My kid does not bother me even she stays with me whole day/weekend but he does as he is adult and i have expectations from him.
    He works, problem - wastes energy in wrong places and i, with all the power on earth, can not make him see or focus.

    Also, this time my mother is coming and i will make sure she does not lose her energy cooking/ cleaning too.
    We did not speak but i told him we will hire cleaners after 2nd one. Thing is my house is also not cleanable ready. We have small small toys everywhere and i know they do not pick stuff. Clothes, socks or towels everywhere on dresser, corners, all railings, doors everywhere..... Then jewellary in the house :-(
    Last night again was distaster as his friend came for game and my daughter did not sleep till 1 am because she wants him and she knows dad is up watching tv, having fun and i did not sleep in fury so i had restless night and then monday.
     
  7. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    @sanjuruby3 trust me when i say this, most of our homes are cluttered (you should see mine on Friday nights! lol then you will feel better about yours...no kidding :) )
    One thing I noticed is that, we need to find ways to organise the home. Recently I organised my bathrooms...if you want, I can take a pic and post here. basically, the same old room with a better organisers that have plently of room for towels, toilet papers, shampoos, bath toys etc. More often than not we throw/ leave things here and there because there is no proper place handy enough to keep it. Another good thing would be to have a pretty (this is important) laundry basket in the main level of the house. That way, when you see a stray sock or a towel, you have a means to tuck it in without having to run upstairs. same thing with jewelry (Pinterest is your guru). get a good jewellery organiser and it will be sanity saver.
    laundry basket for sure needs to be implemented today.

    I can see half the problem is that you are overwhelmed with work; trust me I understand. I have 2 small kids of my own and a dog and a husband who doesnt help much (though not extreme like yours; he helps in other ways). laundry baskets and some basic organisers will help you save your sanity.

    When his friends come over, do they make plenty of noise? can you yell from the other room to keep it down (public shaming him). What would be the repercussion?
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2018
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  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    For toys, clothes etc that are scattered around the house just get some of those large Sterlite storage bins. The day before the cleaners come toss everything in. They will then be able to clean effectively. This will not solve your clutter issue completely but you can work on that gradually.
     
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  9. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    @sanjuruby3 I used to think also that I needed to clean for the cleaners, but found that I was stressing too much about it. We have cleaners come in every 2 weeks now and as MalStrom suggested, that is what I did!! Just bought some wicker baskets from Ross/Marshalls and ask the cleaner herself to just toss stuff into the basket.

    Also, I used to think that for them to clean, I needed to clear the countertops etc., and what I would end up doing is just shove all the clutter in cabinets and drawers for the cleaner and once she went, they came right out. So wasn't really making sense. What my cleaner would do is just bunch up all the stuff in one corner to clean and that actually helped me, to find everything in one corner, to determine what went where and what I needed to toss out!! It was way better to have the clutter all in one place than spread out around.
     
  10. CuteCancer

    CuteCancer Silver IL'ite

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    @sanjuruby3 Use incidents like the below to leave your daughter with her father. Tell him she wants to be with you....leave her with him and go to sleep.

     
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