Haunting Past and husband

rinapt · Jul 26, 2013

Hello All,

I have been only a few posts old here. I dont know what is happening to me. I am now married and have a child. I donot have all lovey dovey relation with my husband. Coming to the point, this marriage is somewhat forced on me by parents. But it is all long bygone story and have now come to terms with it. Before this marriage I was emotionally involved with a guy. We both used to care for each other and love was just blossoming between us. My parents came to know about it and since my parents were not in good equation with his parents (they both are family friends - and later family enemies), my parents immediately suspected that something was cooking between us and started looking for an alliance and got me married off as soon as possible. I was able to move on though I didn't want to get married that young.

I wanted to inform my husband about this before marriage - my parents prevented me from telling him. However after marriage I told my husband about this and though initially upset about it, he said he would forget it. H says he has investigated my past and know that I was physically involved with this guy - I swear to God, I was not physically involved with this guy.

But my problem now is my husband. He acts like a pervert. He eyes and checks out at every other women - my neighbor, my friends, my child's teachers, my cousins etc.

He acts very cheaply behind their back. My neighbor is very pretty - HE checks her out and says how hot she would be in the bed.

There is one more of my friend - H checks her out and keeps asking me if could set him up with her and see if she could leave her husband for him

One of my college friend - who came for my Wedding - H says to call her home because she looked lovely on my wedding day.

Not once does he complement me that I am good / pretty. He gropes me while thinking about another woman. I feel horrible about it and cut off all physical contact with him.

Now when I argue back, that behaving like this is wrong - he snaps back at me that while he just thinks about it, I am worse off because I was involved with another guy and even slept around with him.

How do I deal with this? I am not able to tolerate his behavior

attitudegirl · Jul 26, 2013

im speechless!!!!

how can u even live with this sick person....

u need to stand up for urself... when u know u didnt have any physical invl with anyone b4 marriage what is there to feel guilty about... is he trying to blame u for something u didnt do???? and get away with it???

lady... buckle up!!!

no one can respect u if u cant respect urself.. respect can only be commanded not demanded...

u need to draw a line here...

what will he do if u chek out handsome guys???

tell him if he cant trust u and want to use some baseless imagination to hide his dirty behaviour, there is no point living and wasting ur life with him...

make it a point u wont tolerate this nonsense as it is not ACCEPTABLE for u.. period... deal with it next time he does the same...

internet · Jul 27, 2013

Rina,

I read all your threads and I think your h is taking advantage of your past to lead ur married life the way he wants. You should be very firm with him and take your life into your control. If he is taking about other women like that then you should answer him in such a way that next time he should think twice before talking rubbish.

If he is trying to dominate you by saying you had a relation with your BF and he knows, then tell him next time if he repeats this then you will take him to a psychiatrist. Tell him that it is his hallucination and he is mentally sick and needs an immediate medical intervention. Don't cry becoz the more you cry, the more he is taking advantage of your innocence. You tell him every day, every hour that he needs psychiatric treatment. Repeat it so much that he should be fed up and stop talking like that to you.

Be strong, start back answering him, start controlling finances and house. He will mend his ways.

ramyakrish1 · Jul 27, 2013

Dear Rina,

I am not an expert on the mindset, logic and attitude of Indian men. It is probably the inherent gender bias that is prevalent in our regressive society. It is sad that there are a lot of men who are not mature enough to respect their partners, trust them, be equally honest and focus on building a great future. Your husband is an insensitive jerk.

No relationship should be based on the past. The past does not matter. The only thing that matters is the present and the future. Jeff Bridges, in a movie called Seabiscuit, constantly reminds us that the future is the finish line.

A confession is not an admission of guilt, when it cannot qualify as cheating. All you have tried to do is lose your baggage. Sometimes, I wonder if it is really worth it.

Perversions are anomalies of character and need to be rooted out. They can be more dangerous than habits, which are a seasoned acquisition. If he is doing it out of character, he needs help. If he is doing it as payback, you need help.

Some relationships reach a point beyond salvage. And we all have our thresholds. Try to reason with him that his actions are only driving a wedge between you and you are not guilty (why haunted?) of any wrongdoing. Good luck.

friendlygirl · Jul 27, 2013

what bs....you need to stand up for yourself...emotional involvement before marraige is not wromg..as long as you are true to your marriage now.

he is using you lady ...wake up!!!! where is your self respect...
next time he does something like this..give him back in a way that he will never ever think about it.

nicegirlradhi · Jul 27, 2013

OP, your husband is trying to dominate you. i think he has the sadistic satisfaction of killing your self respect. give him back equally hard. i cant even imagine how are are living with that person who is imagining other women when he is intimate with you. snap him if he does this again. tell him he dont even deserve you in first place as wife, and that your friend is far superior and out of his range.

akshaya452 · Jul 27, 2013

I really feel pity for those women who fall for some guys and marry a different guy

flowerlady · Jul 27, 2013

Dear OP,
Its sad that in your haste to unburden your past you made a mess of your marriage , it appears that he is taunting you to hurt you like you hurt him.
You should have married your BF and led a happy life, at least an innocent man would have been saved this trauma.
Its very, very difficult to forget that one's spouse was forced into marriage, no man or woman wants to be a second option in a lifelong relationship.
Bringing a kid into this troubled relationship was not recommended.

Try to be in his shoes and think rationally, did you give your 100% to the marriage or just did your duty by having a kid?
Do you want to stay in the marriage or move on ?
PS- No gender discrimination in my reply .

shivagami · Jul 27, 2013

he thinks he got cheated by you...most of men will expect that their wife should not ve the past love..then only they can live wholeheartedly....the mistake done by you is...if you decide to hide...then you should hide totally and you should not agree when he asks you when he got any info from somebody.... or you should tell everything b4 marriage...then you ve to give a choice to marry u...u failed to do both...
Coming to the point:
dont argue with him
1st think that you ve cheated him (you did not told b4 marriage)
Live dedicatedly for your child and him (he should change his mind by clarifying that you are for him)...
Show him that you are ready for doing anything for him...
Don't speak about your past love...if he asks about your exlover...tell that ...your dh character is better than your lover...now you hate your ex...by living with your dh...(Love wont come automatically...I know...but you u ve tell like that)
a biological family is a good family....you can change your dh by changing your attitude...
Tell him...whoever he speaks about...he is your own dh...u love him alone....
Totally try to forget your past love...if he speaks about it...tell that u don't like it...your dh is your 1ly lover for you...now...
tell past is past..even you forgot it then y? he speaks...
if he is always trying to hurt you by speaking somebody...tell him...that's his problem...u can live for ur own child and dh...you will be confidently wait until your dh love u...till then 1side love...

A biological family is a good family...
Mistake is from your side....
So there is no mistake to make him to love you by leaving ur own expectations from him...
Tell him that he is your life....
Automatically he will change for you...
Your parents will be happy when u r happy with your DH...
If you are unable to forget your ex...then try to involve in story books and music...or tv...etc...

You can achieve if you are calm and silent..

Regards,
Shivagami