Hatredness And Anger In Marriage

Do you think it is a character flaw in your husband that you failed to spot (or take seriously) when you were dating or do you see this as a behavior change that appeared at some point in time after marriage?

 

Good - if anger issues have always been a part of his character or a part of his relationship with you, then it is not a sudden behavioral change that might have had a physiological basis. This, in turn, means that the ball is firmly in your court - leave (even temporarily) or stay.

 

I think you might be able to work out some sort of video-conferencing arrangement or Skype set up. Try.

 

Reading about your husband's behavior really worries me. It's not even the typical behaviors of an angry person. You are right, he is unnecessarily triggered by minor things, and even that could be chalked as "normal", but calling your parents at odd hour to yell at them sounds insane. I worry that he may have some type of mood disorder. Regardless, I question whether marriage counseling will bring any real change. There are counselors who are willing to work through Skype (I had a cousin who did that for her bipolar depression), but it might be that your husband needs medication (I'm NOT diagnosing, just throwing in a What IF scenario) I can't imagine your husband taking that well. What if he doesn't even participate?

I read this article and maybe you can relate to it....Married to an Angry Man - A Wife's View of Her Husband's Anger

You sound like you are acknowledging the marital issues that previously you've thought were your fault. I am glad to see that you are gaining self confidence. Keep going and make yourself even stronger. Eventually you will have to give your husband an ultimatum because his actions are intolerable. When you do, please be ready to leave with your child. It's a tough situation, but unless your husband chooses to change, it will stay the same.

The fear of leaving is tough to overcome, and even I struggled with it, despite having my familynearby. But once you get over it, you will see that it isn't so bad. It is much worse to expose your child to this toxic environment.

Good luck op, I pray that you find the clarity and strength to reach your happiness.

 

Hi,

I think a good counselling can definitely help to resolve your relationship issue.
Also I feel, your situation is far far better that the some of the Other issues i have read here. SO dont worry.It is resolvable .

Also do some hobbies, meditation , Yoga etc which will definitely help is reducing your stress and the harsh words wont affect you much and create a scar in your mind.


Apart from the anger eruptions and cruel harsh words that come out during fights, is he is good person , with a good character? Is he a loving father ?

If yes, It is worth trying to fix it I feel.

There are many people who might be frauds inside and outside they know how to carry themselves well . Which one do you prefer?

Generally people who are really short tempered, might be good at heart. Think through how it is on your case as well.

If you can stay away for a couple of months,(stating some reasons ) It will be good I suppose. It will free your mind a bit .

 

its very very hard to know someone's real nature/character during dating ...cuz everyone is on their best behaviour during few hours of meeting

 

. I disagree.
It's a myth that short tempered people are good at heart. One is short tempered basically because they are reacting moment to moment with hatred and aversion towards other individuals or other situations. This moment to moment accumulated anger and hatred becomes a huge mountain. They will be boiling with accumulated anger and hatred. It is just not possible that a shot tempered individual, who frequently becomes angry, will be good at heart.

 

Ah, but then that ability to 'remain on one's best behavior' is in itself revealing, isn't it? In OP's case, that would mean that her husband is fully capable of keeping his emotions in check - over the seven years they dated - but, after marriage, he is unable to do so. Also relevant is whether he is able to control his temper in social and professional situations outside the home. A character flaw is different from behavioral or psychological disorders that have a physiological origin - e.g., neuroendocrine imbalances, brain tumors, etc. can lead to sudden-onset behavioral alterations. In the former case, he/they may benefit from a psychological intervention (couples counseling, cognitive therapy and the like), while the latter may need lab workups and medical intervention. It is worth trying to distinguish between the following:

(i) OP's husband is always short-tempered with everyone (upbraiding subordinates at work, for example), has always been so.
(ii) He is restrained at work and in social situations, but is short-tempered at home.
(iii) He was not always like this; something appears to have changed.