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Getting Into Wedlock.

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by joylokhi, Sep 12, 2016.

  1. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    In one of the popular tamil weeklies, there is a column ' My Diary' , where the readers put forth their issues - somewhat on the lines of relationship forum of IL. The three most suitable responses/ advise are rewarded. Myself knowing tamil to the extent of read only , just go thro' casually. This one particular query really had me stunned! I am reproducing the post verbatim translated into english.

    QUOTE:
    That marriages are made in heaven is something i feel is humbug. Because of that i think i haveBeen dealt a bad blow in life. I got married at the age of 34 only. My husband is elder to me by one year only. My in laws felt for me being an orphan and chose me. I however did not feel any difference. My aunt had brought me up normally, so i did not like rather got irritated with the over affection and love showered on me by my inlaws.

    From the first day of marriage i wanted to go separate and my husband accordingly set up a home for us near his sister’s place. They did not disturb me in any way, even so i did not feel like i was living alone with my husband. The fact that i did not like to mingle with his sister, mother was often a cause for our fights. Because of this , I started going and staying with my aunt frequently. Meantime i got pregnant , went to my aunts house for delivery and now, my son is 2 years old and I am continuing to stay at my aunts home.

    I have not gone to my home even though my husband has been calling me. I don’t want any of his Relations. I want to live with him alone. Till he realises this, I am not going to talk to him. I don’t feel this decision is wrong also.

    Myself, my husband, my family , my kid- this is what i want – what is the problem I don’t understand.
    You people have only to tell me whether what I am thinking is correct. Please tell me friends what I should do next.
    UNQUOTE

    What i felt was that, when both have got married at an age when they are fully mature and worldly wise etc, what prevented them from deciding the type of person, wanting to have nothing to do with any extending family etc made known before the marriage? On top of all this, they have brought a child into this situation. What sort of environment / values will such a child be subjected to? It frightens me to think what more complications will unfurl in the marriage market in future years! Your thoughts on this please and whether there is a solution for such issues.
     
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  2. Caide

    Caide Platinum IL'ite

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    Already she is staying alone with her hubby its just her SIL is near whats the issue ... she like her family... y cant she think he likes his family too and wats wrong in it... already for her he came out of his circle right i think she can adjust a bit from her side how can he cut all his relation with his family??? As you said child is in pity state now cant play with dad its time he is growing both(father and son) can't miss their new phase in life she is ruining it
     
  3. periamma

    periamma IL Hall of Fame

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    what a mindset !Her husband agreed to her condition and staying with her alone then what's the problem for her.i think she is having some complex that her dh is having parents and siblings while there is no one for her.in one of my relative's family it happened like this.The girl lost her father and when her dh talks to his father on phone,she used to shout at him and grab the phone and throw away.when asked her why she is doing like this she replied "i lost my father but he is talking to his father in presence of me".This lady has to go for counselling to have a good family life.Her aunt must guide her in the right path .
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2016
  4. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    @periamma,
    That is the point. She knew before she tied the knot of her husband's family. It is surprising how so soon into the marriage she found it impossible to live with her husband. As u say there is something truly wrong here. You're right - i wonder how her aunt just allowed her to stay for 2 long years with a baby in tow, without thinking of the girl's future and family? Too many questions here. thanks for the response.
     
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  5. iyerviji

    iyerviji IL Hall of Fame

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    True Joy dear the present situation is not so good. Girls do not want to adjust. They dont want anyone except their husband and children. Thats why now a days the parents like to stay separately so that they can be in touch and the youngstersalso dont want anyone to interfere in their life. As long as they are in touchwith the parents and respect them and take care of them is good. This year 3, 4 engagements took place but marriage was cancelled. One couple got married and they were in US and the girl wanted her husband to have her way of life which he did not like and now she isin her mother's house after six months. She does not want her in laws also. In our times so much we used to adjust thats why were leading our retired life peacefully. But they dont understand the values of relationship and value of elders. Its really a sad state of affairs. But there are young girls who adjust also though go through tough times, for some in laws support them . This girl you are talking about after having a child why can tshe adjust and live peacefully. What will be the future of the child. Now a days parents day and grandparents day is in school and the child will miss her parents when other parents are there for other children
     
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  6. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    These kind of people will never be happy in their life and will never allow their spouse to be happy. This is extremes of selfishness. People don't understand that wedding creates a new relationship between two families, not just between two persons.

    She realizes this when her son gets married and the DIL starts acting in the same way.
     
  7. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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  8. iyerviji

    iyerviji IL Hall of Fame

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    sorry dearfor going out of the topic.
     
  9. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    You have not gone off topic. We are surely discussing the current trend in marriage only. This being such an extreme view point of the girl, i wanted the general ILs views on this. As always, nice reading your response and thanks for the same.
     
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  10. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @joylokhi- The protagonist of this story is seeking comfort in her own experience and refuses to believe there is anything better than that.
    The protagonist was raised by her aunt, refuses the love of her in-laws, refuses to co- exist with her in-laws or SIL. However wants her DH to be ok with her and her child exclusively?
    The protagonist is altering not only her reality but her DH's reality by asking him to cut everyone off for her comfort.

    I would highly suggest the DH's parents or DH himself talk to the aunt about how ridiculous this sounds.

    If DH wants to comfort his wife and actually show her what it is she is asking for- maybe they can move to a different city. The experience that both of them will get by "trying to be exclusively alone".
    How much they value family will truly come to each other's realization.
     

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