Frustrated And Not Getting Me Time

shwetapj · Jun 30, 2017

my 9 month old is on solids for 3 times a day and super duper active. She takes only half an hour nap in the morning and half an hour in the afternoon. Rest of the time she is playing or crying. She doesn't leave me even for a second and there is nobody else to take care except me and hubby. She doesn't go to anyone. She only wants me or her daddy. I am looking for a caretaker but haven't got any. I am taking care of her alone. This leaves me completely drained of energy. She wakes at least 4 times at night and day time naps are very short. And also she wakes up early at 7am in the morning . This way I am badly sleep deprived. I am insisting my hubby that if not proper sleep but I need some me time where I can sit quietly and relax but he doesn't seem to understand and we end up fighting as he feels I am purposely escaping from my duties and I end up yelling at my 9 month old. Later on I feel guilty that I am neither a good wife or a good parent.

I don't know how to cope with this and finding solution before this drives me nuts

Any suggestions?

ashneys · Jun 30, 2017

I don't understand how are you "purposely escaping from your duties" when you just want a few hours of rest. Where is his duty as a father to spend time with his daughter and his husband duty to support you at your time of need?

If your hubby can't help during weekdays, what does he do on weekends?
Why can't he just take her out or for a walk / park? Watch a cartoon movie together. Or play together. Or do anything together. Tell him half a day of Saturday/ Sunday is dad-daughter time. Say it's for his bonding. And convince him in a way he would be ok with.

I have heard of people starting play school at like 1-1.5 yrs itself. Maybe you can try that. May help with their extra energy too.

You can place your child in a play pen along with the stuff she wants to play with and read a book for 30-60 mins.
Also a power nap can be taken during this time as she can't get out of the play pen.

Continue your hunt for help.

Can you go for a few days to your moms/ in laws or anyone's, whoever will be supportive and sleep off? Even if she cries, let them distract n entertain. You can rest up.

When I was becaming a new mom, I read that it's advisable to sleep and wake up along with the child. Thank god, I had help in terms of the house work n stuff. So my focus was 100% on my child. I slept when he slept, I was up when he was up. I think it took me about 4 years or so to have a full nigt sleep. Till then it was more like naps. Running behind him, feeding, taking care, watching carefully, entertaining, n a million things more. That period was brutal. So can understand your situation. And you are not alone.

I had my first "me" time when he started pre-nursery. But I do understand that some needs it earlier or later than the others.

My dh used to agree to take care of weekend nights, but it never happened as waking him up to care for the child was harder than taking care of the child

Needtobestrong · Jun 30, 2017

If you are in India , get help for house cleaning and cooking, then you can concentrate on baby and your health only..take naps when your husband is at home..shut yourself in room and sleep while he entertains and plays with her.. Ur not running away from your duties..you need to be in good health then only you can take look after the baby properly, do not give in to your husband's criticism on any account.

Rihana · Jun 30, 2017

shwetapj said: ↑

I don't know how to cope with this and finding solution before this drives me nuts

Any suggestions?
Click to expand...

As long as you are home, the child's care and household tasks will steadily occupy your time like water being poured occupies an empty vessel.

First thing - stop telling or venting too much to husband about how tough it is. He is obviously not getting it.

The me-time and break you want so much can happen only if you are away from the child. You have to step out of the house. In the weekend or on a weekday after husband comes home, you need to go out. At least for an hour at a time. Don't fight for this "going out" arrangement. When you bring up the idea with husband, keep it casual. Don't list all your problems and all that you do. Keep your "commentary" to a minimum.

If child is not sleeping through the night, it sometimes makes sense for only one parent at a time to do the night duty. Let him do it on a Saturday night.

Maybe taking care of the child for a few hours or overnight will show him the work involved.

And, another thing to do - maintain a log of what you do each day. From the moment you wake up from sleep and are still lying in bed (start to think about the upcoming day, cooking, etc) to the moment you go to sleep. Log it in 15 min intervals. Do not forget to write down the tasks you start and have to drop as something else comes up. Do this for about two weeks. A month is better. Include the 'mental tasks' -- even when appearing to sit and 'taking a break', the woman's mind will be making lists or planning for something. Such logging of your work will show husband what all you do, and where "all your time" goes. And, maybe you will find some ways to eliminate some tasks, delegate them, or do them more efficiently.

It is difficult.. and the yelling and arguments are normal. But, years from now, you will be able to say "we did it all ourselves."

Above all, always remember, this too, shall pass. Soon, you'll be planning the first birthday.... : )

Elsa · Jun 30, 2017

Have you thought about putting your child in a daycare center? Even if it is for a few hours a day? Or a couple of days a week?

Its good for the child and you as well. She gets to play with other kids of her age and you get some rest.

Try to hire a maid if you cannot manage the household chores all by yourselves or you can ask your husband to help you with the chores so that you can relax for sometime. If he doesnt want to help you, try making simple meals, hiring a maid for cleaning.

Sandycandy · Jun 30, 2017

Daycare! More social interaction for the daughter and more me-time for you.

Vedhavalli · Jun 30, 2017

Dear op,
It will be there still the kid starts to school.
It happens with everyone....
Soon once she is in school, you will cry more than her , you would be missing her.

Present, just ask your husband to take care of only 30 min daily, go for walk, browse, do whatever you wish.
SATURDAY and Sunday, let him feed the baby and clean. Mean time you cook delicious food, you could relax the cooking time and feel accomplished for great food. DH would think about good food on weekends.
So you will be happy.
The kids will be like this easy to say...all going thru same.mine wants mom all time, I can't even have my food, drink water. My kiddo is 3...
Keep patience