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Financial Details Between Married Couple

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by bruised234, Apr 19, 2017.

  1. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    If the person who is hiding had that much intelligence and trust in the spouse, there would be no problem to begin with. Too busy, self-contained with themselves to even think of such a possibility.
     
    Sunshine04 likes this.
  2. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    I agree, for a healthy relationship, all of these should be open for each other. I would share my email UN/PW and mobile lock PW, but the trust is already gone regarding these things. In fact, I didn't have a mobile lock pw until my husband used that against me.

    In the meantime, especially when one of the spouses is not working, transparency, access and communication is very important.
     
  3. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    I did not prefer hiding either, it all started with him refusing to reveal the cell phone account password. Then he cancelled his checking account because the bank manager added me for a joint account and I stupidly mentioned that I can see his transactions from my account, that was it, he closed his account. If I ask him any details, he says I don't trust him, but when it comes to my case I should be open. The gist is, it is okay for him to spend on whatever he wants because he can give the "right" justification whereas I should not even be giving justification. Giving justification is equivalent to questioning him, not understanding him. It feels very tiring, annoying and depressing. He holds all kinds of "mistakes" that I make as a justification for his own acts, apparently he has a right to do them because I don't keep things back at their right place, because I don't do anything "right", I forget my keys one day at the table and I don't have the habit of keeping things where they are. The way I eat, dress, whom I talk to, how I talk - everything is under scanner while his own decorum is not be questioned. Finally, I should never land in a situation where I need to depend on him for anything, if I do by accident, I am dead meat. The funny part is nobody can see through him, neither his friends nor outsiders. Why, why can't I handle this mess?
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2017
  4. ashneys

    ashneys Silver IL'ite

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    It's not normal in a healthy relationship. Bcoz the couple do budgeting, investments n planning together. Like saving for holidays, jewellery, property or even an expensive thing. You can achieve a lot by staying transparent. But u have to understand that the both the partners has to be open about this. This shud include giving for parents/ siblings / family/ friends / unnecessary items like spending for bad habits. Or if the detail is bothering u, segregate a monthly money for 'cash in hand'. If u r beginning or trying to begin financial questions, stop asking questions n only listen abt d income n expenses. It is a touchy subject, n d money maker can get nervous n cause fights. So start slow. First listen den Set a small target, like let's try to save this much money n work towards it. U may or may not b successful but it's a start for both of u to walk on the same path. Start doin the accounts together. Don make a fuss abt d expenses u hate, not initially. Reach to a situation wer u r comfortable enuf to talk abt the finances then u can bring in the changes.
     
  5. ashneys

    ashneys Silver IL'ite

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    He seems to be a controlling person n loving it. This is an attitude of "keeping her in her place". There's a sayin in Tamil that translates to "if u keep bending, the person will keep makin u to bend even more". Eventually it will break u only. The reason that nobody can see through him is bcoz he is a great friend but a lousy husband. U need to stand up and start fighting for urself. I know it's easier said than done. But only YOU can save urself here. Jus like how a cat can fight if it's cornered, d same goes for u too. Never hav ego in a marriage but self respect is important. So don't take nonsense from ppl. Start treating him d same way he is treating u. If he seems shocked, Tel him dats exactly how he makes u feel. Say if he makes u unhappy, dat u will make his life unhappy too. It may sound so rude wen u r reading it, but it has worked out in real life. And it's a concept of bullying the bully so he understands too. It's not gona b easy n may take a long time. If u want to continue in the marriage n make ur life better in d long run. Then stop taking it n stand up n giv him a taste of his own medicine. Good luck sister.
     
    blindpup10 likes this.
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Initially my H did not share any details of his earning, while I was expected to share everying (not only the details of my earning, but my whole earning) with him. He would not basically refuse to share, but in fact he would do something or the other NOT to share the details with me.
    Initially I did not force him. But later I found this to be abnormal, yet asked him about the details of his earning.
    Then he would share his account A and I always doubted that there should be an account B too.
    Because I know he earned better, and his account A did not convince me.
    I tried to ask him via various means, and that even affected our initial marriage thus I've stopped asking by thinking we can not awake someone who pretends to be asleep.

    After a while, I've stopped sharing my account details with him. In fact, it happened with my job transfer, where I have given a new account to deposit my salary +allowances.
    The old account remained same. We both accessed, and he would often inform me whenever he accessed that. But I kept my new account a secret. I would transfer only a certain % from my salary to the usual account, and he was fully kept on the dark about my full salary or savings.
    He did not ask me anything directly about it although he would hint here and there.

    After a few years, we both planned to save. So, opened a new joint account for that purpose. By this time, we have grown so matured in our marriage (you know that we were too young when we got married) yet, respected each others personal space while respecting our marriage.
    So now, we both share certain % of our earning to that account, and I purely maintain that though he shares that account with me. I give him a periodic update about this to him.

    Other than that, we share our loans, EMI and investments in jointly, thus certain % from each of our salary goes to them directly from our banks.

    All in all, we have a rough idea about each others' total earning, yet none of us share our pay CH with each other or discuss them in detail.
    In fact, we earn more than enough, and I am sure my H supports his folks as much as he wants, and I do the same, and we both know this, yet we both wouldn't bother that much about them.
     
  7. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    Honestly, I don't care about money, what I do feel uncomfortable is when I need to ask him for something and I never get a positive reply. I am always asked "Why?" - even for something insignificant, once I saw some turmeric sticks in the store and wanted to pick a few of them and he kept arguing about why I need them. What can I say to that? Sometimes one doesn't really need a reason to have some things. At that time I had to depend on him because I had to go to the store with him, I did not have other means of commuting to the place. I feel extremely uncomfortable about depending on him for anything, simply because asking anything starts a fight with him wanting "convincing" reasons for everything. Just like his parents. We were going to India and I wanted to buy some clothes, even before I could even think of it, MIL starts talking about so many sarees lying in the closet and gave a ridiculous suggestion on converting them to dresses. All of this because my mom once took an old silk saree and got a dress stitched from it. So I need to save money by getting dress from my sarees.... I told her I don't like the idea and she asked why and I replied I don't like it and I don't to need to explain that, it is my wish. Not everytime can I keep my calm like that and not everytime am I lucky enough to get an acceptance. The micro-management is what gets on my nerves. It puts a big damper on my enthusiasm to do anything. In every small matter, they manage to put their nose. I got laddoo besan by mistake once and the next time I wanted to buy fine besan FIL insists on using the laddoo besan for whatever purpose. I don't know why they need to feel so much in control. It leaves me frustrated and feeling worthless many times. If the woman of the house wants to do something she needs to have a good reason, but the rest can do whatever they feel like. I have tried all tactics and frankly it is not possible to hide any details where I live, I don't have the courage or energy to ask him about his details. In the first few years he used to insist on filing taxes together, going to the tax office together. Once he lost money in some transactions and that was it, he stopped involving me, stopped giving details and always files them online when nobody is around. I don't know much about finances and he always seems to be short of money. I can't argue with him as it becomes ugly. Sometimes I wonder if I am even thinking along the right lines. I feel I should not even think of all this and just concentrate on myself. It depresses me when I see that earning is not enough, one needs to do a lot more to "save" the money.
     
  8. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    Ok, knowing this, my question to you: Do you earn money?

    If yes, are you willing to split your finances? You could possibily have a joint account where both of you put enough money in for home finances, using the percentage system - Like if you are earning only half of what he's earning, you put 1/3 and he puts 2/3 share of the total home finances. The rest of the money is for your own personal expenses.

    If you are NOT earning, and are completely dependent on him, please find a way to earn your independence. At this point, its the only way to regain your self-confidence so that you can stand up for your rights. You really shouldn't be a bystander in your own life, so don't let him make you think so. You don't have to argue to earn your rights, but you do have to be a bit stubborn.
     
  9. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    So far I haven't had to ask for anything. I earn right now. But I am not confident about how long I can maintain it. I am not completely dependent on him. As far as splitting is concerned, I used to pay phone, cable bills which was a considerable sum in the beginning, now it comes to something but not much. He insisted I start paying the rent, I put my foot down - not because I could not pay nor I wasn't willing to pay, I just did not like the idea of him earning more than me but unwilling to pay the rent. The tax returns were going to his account anyway, I never asked him about that. I paid for a lot of stuff in the house - the furniture, electronics, my vehicle, I let him take my maternity leave pay. I bear my own expenses. I was not happy about him losing money in the stock market, I felt if he had more money in hand, he was more likely to get tempted to invest more, but anyways I have no idea what he is doing and I did not want to dig it up because that means I would have to tell him all about my spending, most of which is nothing to hide, but then again I am not sure what is it he will find objectionable. I was just quoting examples, about how they to try to micromanage. I don't have the confidence that I can keep going like this. Career wise, I haven't climbed up the ladder and I don't know how long can I sustain like that. I know I need to concentrate on myself and just forget it. Recently, we had a discussion on going for a loan for an asset and he wants me to put *all* of my savings for the loan. I initially thought he would let me keep at least something in it but no he does not want to contribute at all. I tried reasoning but he says it doesn't matter who puts what since the loan is for "both of us". why the desire to have control what I do is my question. Yes, you are right, I should be confident and sustain, but this is a bit annoying. I have compromised so much and at least I deserve a little bit space and some slack.
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2017
  10. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    On second thoughts, I think I should let it go, concentrate on my job as you said.
     

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