Financial assistance - Double standard.

Your understanding is wrong. We don't show double standard view.

This forum always suggest to support both side parents reasonable needs. Even if a wife complains about her husband's support to his parents and if their need is reasonable she will get advised not to interfere. But only when the parents go over board and expect frequent luxury she will get advised to divert the money into savings.

If a wife complains that her husband wants to buy a small apartment for his parents to live, she will get advised to help him provided they treated her not so badly.

No one here will support if a woman complains her husband wants to help his not well to do sibling once in awhile. But if the help is a frequent and not must then yes she will get support.

And for your third and fourth cases, same thing goes. If it is once in a while gifts husband will get support otherwise wife will get support.

Whether it is husband or wife, to help basic needs of parents it is not necessary to take permission from spouse. Just an information is enough (just to keep an account of income/expenditure and plan future).

If you found any thread opposite to this you can quote here.

 

SGBV,

The bias comes into play right after marriage, when girls are often not allowed to send money to their ageing parents, who may need it for their basic needs. On the other hand, these girls see their husbands gifting expensive things to their already well to do earning ILs. This does cause bitterness. It should be a fairer agreement to help out both sides. Lavish expenses on either party can be avoided, except for some special occasions, and one - time expenses.

I have not seen such a bias towards women posters on this forum. At least I have advised all women posters that they should let their husbands support their parents. But yes, I am against the lavish spending and gifting regularly when parents are well to do, and able to manage by themselves. The couple also has their family and their retirement to plan. This seems fair for all parties to me.

I think other women also suggest the same as me SGBV. But they will share their opinions with you. On my part, I can say with some confidence, that I try to give objective advice.

 

Op...Very rarely do poster advise against giving parents for legitimate needs.But some parents expect one son to take care of everyone....or one son is expected to take care of his siblings who are the primary responsibility of the parents....that is where such advise is given.

While helping siblings with basic education or in need is one thing...but to expect to take care of them even when they earn or taking care of married sisters for life is not fair ...and that is where the advise is given.

People here write from experience.
I have very often seen parents take every spare rupee that the son has as long as they can.....in my own family and friends. It stems from the cultural expectations that whatever the son earns is rightfully theirs.

Most often the advise given is to take care of parents needs and to take care of parents in need.

As far as siblings are concerned...I do take offense to some sisters(rarely brothers too) expecting the brother to take care of their needs for life. Educated adults should be able to take care of themselves (except for extreme circumstances) and sisters taking the easier way of out by sponging off brothers does show a lack of self respect and class.

Of course there may be one off instance of posters being hypocritical.....but mostly the posters are fair.
One has to also remember that this is probably the first generation of women that is earning well enough to make a difference in the life of their birth families.

Till now it was mostly the men helping their parents.....if the women did earn(most times)...it was only enough to help her own little family a bit or to gain some kind of financial independence for herself.

Another point to remember is that for most Indians...a son helping out his birth family is the norm and a girl helping out her birth family is an exception. Most times...a working dil is considered as one more earning member for the husband's family.Rarely is she seen as the financial helper of her own parents.

When it(a girl helping her parents) is so rare and kind of a trend setter...it is natural for posters to feel good and cheer that person.

If you take a survey of how many working women send money to inlaws(as a family) and how many working women send money to parents....you will realize the reality.It is one thing to vent and to advise...the reality is something else.

 

I agree with nb25 and yellowmango. I too have not seen much of encouragement given to not to give to IL's in need. That advice is given when IL's are beyond unreasonable- like the typical demand for expensive gifts or buying home in SIL's name or IL's name or some such preposterous schemes.

YM- Not just do some people expect all their son's earning as theirs, in addition to that entitlement, there is also a need for them to ensure that "some woman whose job is to listen to them and be subservient" should not be be enjoying the fruits of their son's labor.

People do write from their experiences. My husband and I talk before incuring any big expenses. He will tell me even if he is spending $100 bucks not because I keep count of penny but because he tells me everything. My limit is $500 (mostly silly shopping- nothing of productiove use). I sometimes feel very guilty because of his greater transparency and also as he pays my credit card bills.

I do believe that as far as possible, one should be financially independent. If a sibling has had some major problem, it is human to want to help but just because one is doing much better financially, that is hardly invitation for other siblings to sponge them. And I speak of this from personal experience. My dad's siblings exploited his generosity so much for years.

For gifts, my personal rule is I will never accept something of value greater than I can afford to give............from anyone. Money just causes all this resentment so if one were to value relationships, money shoyld take a back seat............beacuse it is not the yardstick to measure someone's love.

 

Continuing from previous post....

Now what advise would Ils give to some of the following cases seen on this forum.
1)A lady recently posted about her husband taking upon himself to marry of his brother...give generous abouts for cousins weddings,buying expensive jewelery for married sister,supporting a brother(secretly) who chose to give up a job because he wanted to be close to his girlfriend......all this while the couple is in debt and saving for a home. This guy does not want interference in his desire to help his family but has no issues using his wife's air miles to support his brother and his gf travels.

2)A lady whose monthly budget goes haywire because her bil is always making her husband buy travel tickets for his family giving the excuse of lack of internet connectivity.

3) A lady whose mil ,husband and bil want their sister to not work and face the tough world but have all luxuries for herself ad kids for life at their expense....while their own wives are working.

4) I have an uncle...he was the first child.His father had four more children?(3 daughters and one son)comfortable in the traditional belief that the eldest son would help with bringing up his children.(this is not so uncommon in India).This uncle of mine has educated and married of 4 siblings...while his own children could manage to go to decent schools only after the last of his sister was married off.Now ,if his wife came to IL...what would we advise her?



5) A lady who is finding it difficult to get a foothold in a joint family because mil and married sil make all the decision....sidelining her. While her sil who lives in a nuclear set up gets to have controlling role in two homes...this lady doesn't have a presence even in one home.

While there may be some personal human insecurities in the interpersonal relationship between people....most of the problems still stem from the entitlement of the son's family ...whether mil or sil over their son's life(including his wife).

I have heard my mil call sons (fasal)...which means crop....while girls are called paraya dhan(someone else's property /wealth) That is why people want sons in this country.This is why we have situations like this.

No daughters in 70 Haryana villages for years: Maneka Gandhi - The Times of India

 

I personally would always advise people(irrespective of gender and which family is being supported) to keep their finances in their own hands...If they have control over their finances...they will be able to help people in need.If they don't ...they may not even have the option of helping.

If parents don't have a home...buy a home for them but keep it in your name .This way the future of both is secure.If parents want it on their name or siblings name...view it as a red flag and refuse.

Don't let parents spend money on lavish weddings for yourself and siblings.Refuse to pay for lavish weddings of siblings to keep family name or honor.Your sibling's marriage is not your responsibility.

Don't waste money on lavish gifts(unless you have a lot of it)...instead invest in health benefits for parents .Invest in their comfort rather than egos because their egos is not your problem.

Most people here do the same.People always advise to help parents in need and to take care of parents in old age.The only change I see is some people advocating that dil should not be expected to be the primary caretaker(even the law doesn't expect that)...children should be.The care given by dil should be conditional.(my view....not the view of majority of Ils)

Recently...posters have been more open about the need of women to support their birth family in need too.I don't see any hypocrisy in that.It is just a small step towards correcting the massive cultural imbalance.

 

Op...just out of curiosity ,I would like to know what would be your advise to me if I had come here on IL twenty years back.I am taking this liberty just because it is a discussion thread and not an advise thread.Hope you don't mind....and take it as a fun exercise.I will also take it as a learning exercise ....and get to know if I could have done anything differently .

(The two examples are just to show the difference in entitlement from the two families.A perfect example because the two families have almost same background,same economic status and same retirement benefits)


When my marriage was fixed....I had just started on a low paying teaching job.
My mom's advice to me was to not waste my money and save it for a good washing machine as I can't even wash my socks properly.(shakehead).Seriously....that is what she said.

So I saved...and by the year end I had saved enough for a washing machine and a small refrigerator .....to be bought after marriage.

My husband had a much better paying job and had been working for close to seven and half years.All he had was a bike,books and a few clothes. To be fair to him.....he had saved Rs 50,000 in his saving accounts (which he very proudly told me )for buying household items after marriage. This amount was a fairly big amount 20 years back(our monthly expenditure as a couple was about rs 5000 only).Besides this ,he had no savings or things to show for his almost 8 years of work.

One day he told me to glance through his old letters from father and note down any addresses or telephone numbers in them....and then throw away the letters. What I saw (very bad of me to read them thoroughly:hidewas that every 1-2 years...they would demand all his saving in the name of house renovation,house extension....or any other house related work. This happened regularly. My Ils know exactly how much my husband earns and all benefits....coming from the same profession.So every time he had money saved...they knew the amount and would demand that.One would think their house was a TAj Mahal...but it is a simple house and was made well before my husband started working......(those were not the days of loans or EMIs)


Exactly a week into my joining my husband,he had received a letter from his father asking for Rs 50,000 ...the exact amount my husband had saved for household items.
The next letter was accusing my husband of changing because of changed circumstances as he had never earlier been late in sending money.

Now if I had written in this forum that I am newly married and my husband sends all his saving home .....What would be the advise?

 

Why did your husbands parents ask for money? They had been working for 30+ years so they assumedly had more money than your husband who had been only for a few years in the worklife. And asking money from your children would be the last resort and only in extreme emergency.

 

faintingsmileyYou have not learnt anything Crayo....:thumbsdown
Hint:My mil calls sons crops.

Crayo......Some Indian(to be fair...not all)parents consider a son's earning as a fair return for the investment made in giving birth to them and bringing them up.

 

:hide:

My degenerated western thoughts again took over. Was trying to think about your situation with my own adult children or parents. It would be extremely embarrassing and humiliating to have to face a situation where you would ask for money from your own children. As it is considered going the wrong way. Parents can support children financially (but carefully as you have to treat all children equally and it can be harmful for them to get money "too easily"). But the other way around is a complete taboo and this would happen only in extreme emergency. We supported our mother financially during her last years but it was done so that we paid (partly) for the nurses and some other fees. We shared the financial burden between us siblings. Fortunately our mother was not aware of this (she was already severely demented) as it would have been o total humiliation for her.