Final decision - Need your HELP

friend · Sep 26, 2011

<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CVinPra%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><style>  </style> Hi Friends,

Most of you have responded, advised and suggested for all of my concerns. But today I would like to bring to your attention 2 such threads which might help you advice me on my current questions.
Below is the links to the 2 threads I am talking about.

 http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/63381-get-me-out-of-please.html

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/42047-parents-laws-driving-me-crazy.html

I Wish to mention some updates

Updates about my Parents.

After having followed your advice for my above posts, I took charge of myself and identified what were the areas I would need to step up and firmly tell my parents about the mistakes I think they were doing.
So things worked up well.
My respected and most beloved Father expired. I am tearing as I am writing this. Nothing in my life can fill this hole in my heart.
After my Father expired, my Most beloved Mother started causing me issues. She always wants me to bend and show utmost respect to my elder brother and his wife even if they are wrong. My mother and I get along very well, but we fight over my elder brother.
All my life and even after my marriage I always loved my brother and his wife. But from the day I have got married he has been giving me attitudes. He never once asks me how I am. He only tries to show that he is more richer than me etc. Rest is History.

I had endless arguments with my Mom ( worst part my mom knows he is wrong but never corrects him ). My brother has even tried to make his own decision in MY MARRIAGE without my consent.
My mom most times also feels jealous that I have more money than my brother.

THE DECISION I TOOK

I knew my mother loves me but she becomes a different person when my brother is around. So understanding her changes in behavior, I came up with a solution. I decided I will never ever discuss with her, the emotional pains my brother gives me ( coz she will only add more pain than relief ). I talk to her only about my well being and never initiate talks about him. If she says something about him then I just listen and say good and change the conversation.

Seeing how hard it was getting and how affected I was emotionally by my brother's behavior and attitude, I did myself some good ( atleast I think so ). I stopped thinking anything about him at all. I minimized my calls to my mom when he was around. I barely talk, email or call him. This is getting my peace of mind back and I am able to focus more on my life.

Updates about my PIL’s.

Well nothing has much changed to what I had mentioned in my previous posts ( the links above ). Like most of you had suggested, I kept in touch regardless. But after my BIL’s marriage ( you all know from my above linked post, the issues ), my PIL’s started acting in front of my Co-sister that we are in great relationship with each other. I could sense that.

THE DECISION WE TOOK

I did not want to participate in their Drama and play a role in their direction. Felt like they were scared of their younger newly married DIL ( I am the Elder DIL ) and wanted to show her all is Rosy .
So after giving it a huge thought I told my husband, I am not ready to support their lies or their acting. I told him here after I am not willing to talk to them unless they realize their doings to me. I have forgotten and forgiven “N” number of times in the past years but will do so no more. My husband understood my feelings ( after some time ) and agreed to distance them. He and I do not talk to them, its been a while.

CURRENT WORRY – Seeking your advice

I recently had a miscarriage with my 2<sup>nd</sup> child. Its been hard to over come it. We are soon to start off to trying again. When I was pregnant, I did not want my PIL’s to know about my pregnancy coz I was not sure if I could be able to handle them with the pregnancy as They have already given me enough emotional stress and pain during my 1<sup>st</sup> one.
But my husband kept insisting that he would tell his Brother only. And he hoped that my PIL’s might call us upon this news and relationships would get better.

When I get pregnant next, I do not want him to tell the news to his side of family. This way I can focus on my pregnancy with peace. Is this right ?

I want the news to be disclosed once I deliver. He would send email to his Brother. Would this be right ?

My PIL’s have entirely spoiled my husbands and my Image amongst their entire family. None of his side people ever talk to us. Being far away its even harder to justify ourselves.

After all this, should I forever cut them off of my Life ?
If they for any reason or any time, say after I deliver ( hope God blesses me soon ), call me and want to talk to me, what should I do ? Should I just forget everything and talk ? What about all the wrong that they have told to all their relatives about me ?

When we next visit India, I am sure they will come over to my parents house to fight. Should I then have my side people for my support too ? Should my husband bring all his side people too, so everyone’s knows what is the truth ? Or should I firmly say, I am not interested in this anymore ??

How do you think the patch up from both side be, if ever there should be one ?
How do you think the complete break up be ??
What should be my Final Decision / Step ???

I gave it my best shot all the last years, coz I wanted us to be united. But After knowing what a person is should I still keep getting hurt ?

Today, its just my husband and my child. His side family ( even cousins ) tie broke due to the bad things his parents told everyone. My side family situation is not too good either. I feel like I am sunk. Worried about being a parent and raising children with self esteem and happiness. So want to come to a final decision, so I can move on in life with peace and sanity. Please help.

Thanks, Friend

cj1980 · Sep 26, 2011

Dear Friend,

I have not entirely read your other two posts, but let me give my two cents on what you have written:

PREGNANCY: I am sorry about your miscarriage. I think you should focus on your health (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual) as you try for your second baby. My suggestion is that you can cross the 'should I tell them about my pregnancy?' bridge when you get to it...I believe you can wait for the usual 3 months before you announce it to others...I don't think you are losing anything in sharing the news with your ILs...whether you like them or not (and vice versa) they are still family. So I suggest your DH can send an e-mail after those initial months. You can continue to maintain a cordial distance so that they don't cause you any anxiety during your pregnancy.

SHOULD YOU CUT THEM OFF FROM YOUR LIFE?

This is a very difficult question for a third person to answer! Personally, I don't believe you can 'peacefully' cut your ILs from your life and live a happy life. They will always be a part of your life because they are your DH's parents...as your children grow up you will have to explain to them why one set of grandparents are missing from the family! Remember that everything you do will have an impact on your children and their understanding of relationships. Instead, I would again suggest you maintain a cordial distance - sort of a 'how are u? we are fine' kinda relationship that sets clear boundaries. If your ILs choose to cut you off, then you don't have to worry about anything!

INDIA VISIT:

Again, what you've written are all hypothetical situations that may or may not happen. Hold your peace now and cross that bridge when you get to it. If it ever boils down to a situation of your ILs coming to your house and picking a fight, just refuse to get into what's already done. Make it clear that you are not obligated to prove anything to anyone. It will be good if your parents and DH are supportive of you in this scenario. If not, try to have a couple of elders to diffuse the situation. Please don't involve both sides of the family and create a ringside show for everyone! This will only reflect poorly on your marriage and I think its best to avoid such drama.

FINAL DECISION

You need to weigh the pros and cons of your choice. With your background I really don't think a 'patch up' is realistic. However, I don't recommend a complete cut off as well. Try to strike a balance between these two extremes and remember that the no.1 priority is your relationship with your husband. Don't let anyone or anything (including past hurts) destroy your marriage.

I think today many couples live independent lives abroad and away from family members and their inner circle is mostly friends. Your children will always get good company from their school mates, your friends' kids, apartment mates, etc. I hardly see my cousins anymore (maybe once in 3-4 yrs) as most of them are scattered abroad. But we do stay in touch online and find ways to connect. So don't worry too much about living a lonely life!

Hope I've been of help

Carol

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Final decision - Need your HELP

friend New IL'ite

Need Your Guidance To Make This Final Decision

Please Advise Further Urgently ....on a FINAL LIFE DECISION,.

Help me to finalise my decision

cj1980 Gold IL'ite

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