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Fil Criticizes My Parents In Front Of Me... Mil Escapes Saying Fil Is Kidding , It's His Nature

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by AAPriya, Sep 8, 2017.

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  1. Sep 8, 2017 #11
    Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    that sho
    that should be sincere and wonderful workable suggestion or solution to deal with FILs of this type. but one should keep cool and do not take it to heart lest it would affect your health in various ways from heart to stomach to .....This types of fills WOULD ENJOY humour and so try gently softly memorize the situation or respond neutrally. for example in the above situation instead of their travelling by cab to attend sathyanarayana pooja, you could say either do not know the mode of their travel or humorously "by horse or bullock Kart!" you may be labelled impertinent....never mind. if u keep this attitude the result might be different.
    2.
     
    Thyagarajan, Sep 8, 2017
    Thyagarajan, Sep 8, 2017
    #11
    Sunshine04, Sandycandy and AAPriya like this.
  2. Sep 8, 2017 #12
    salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    Next time if he say anything like this tell him sarcastically ," I didn't know you can't even afford a cab"

    They know you feel bad when they comment, so they will keep on doing that. As @Sandycandy said the more you ignore him, he will realize you don't give any importance to him.

    Never trust MIL. She may change at any time. She will talk very friendly to know what is going on in your mind and your plans but will never ever support when you are in need! May act like she didn't know anything!
     
    salad, Sep 8, 2017
    salad, Sep 8, 2017
    #12
    sindmani, Sandycandy, Benitapaul and 2 others like this.
  3. Sep 8, 2017 #13
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Shun such therapists. Come post here, we'll give better advice.

    What "support" do you need to deal with some unwanted comments? You are a modern woman with access to the internet, to therapists, a reasonable MIL, a husband who agrees, and able to read up some basic how-to-deal ideas.

    Giving MIL a hint as to what is bothering you is fine, but discussing it at depth, and giving example of "how about I tell your husband he didn't even get a house for you guys" is a big no-no. "Rage", "blatant words", "show him his place" are too strong reactions and bring no good. You can give a cold response and simply not react to such comments, since any reaction will not be beneficial to you.

    Overall, your MIL seems to have a cooler head on her shoulders. She is not how she is due to being "financially dependent" on husband.

    Cold silence and a non-reaction. Evaluate your options. If you use blatant words and show your rage, even if you get husband and MIL to speak for you, the old man will not stop his comments. Think of a few short cool responses, and practice them. "Why would you?" "Really?" "That is ironic coming from you." (a version of these in Indian way of talking). Deliver them and walk away.

    Be smart. Cultivate the relationship you have with your MIL and don't hold her responsible for her husband's behavior.
     
    Rihana, Sep 8, 2017
    Rihana, Sep 8, 2017
    #13
    Laks09, madras2018, chocolate and 4 others like this.
  4. Sep 16, 2017 #14
    AshMenon

    AshMenon Gold IL'ite

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    Either show that you don't encourage such talk by letting him know verbally or by actions, or forever keep your silence. 'Cos such talks won't subside unless you let him know it is not done.

    My FIL once "hilariously" mentioned about how my dad talks.. I let out a laugh (fake obviously) and "hilariously" retaliated back on how I find one aspect of how he (FIL) talks as funny.

    He is smart and understood that I didn't like it. Has never talked about my folks (atleast in front of me).
     
    AshMenon, Sep 16, 2017
    AshMenon, Sep 16, 2017
    #14
    AAPriya and Thyagarajan like this.
  5. Sep 16, 2017 #15
    Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:Sometimes TIT for TAT only works. but this trick needs tact. Regards. God Bless us all.
    ps: May I Invite to snippets in the links appended below and solicit your feedback:
    http://indusladies.com/community/threads/tight-schedule-spouse-rat-craft.304143/

    http://indusladies.com/community/threads/pregnant-facts-preponderance-prognostication.304051/

    http://indusladies.com/community/threads/carry-on-but-never-hurry-or-worry.304001/

    Ba Ba Ba Ba Baby Shower Turned Borrowed Shower

    http://indusladies.com/community/threads/a-date-with-mangalsutra-thirumangalyam.303906/

    http://indusladies.com/community/threads/saffron-wonder.303715/
     
    Thyagarajan, Sep 16, 2017
    Thyagarajan, Sep 16, 2017
    #15
  6. Nov 23, 2017 #16
    September2015

    September2015 Bronze IL'ite

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    You are doing well. Be direct always with in-laws---since your husband cannot face matters---also he better not get in your way if he is not offering direct support.
     
    September2015, Nov 23, 2017
    September2015, Nov 23, 2017
    #16
    AAPriya likes this.
  7. Nov 24, 2017 #17
    Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Priya, how are things now? I hope your FIL didnt overstep his boundaries again.
    I, for one wouldnt want to bring up old issues. Next time he says something, stand up to your parents. Keep the past in the past. Its gone.
     
    Rakhii, Nov 24, 2017
    Rakhii, Nov 24, 2017
    #17
  8. Nov 25, 2017 #18
    AAPriya

    AAPriya Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you Rakhii. Yes, you are right. Past is in the past.

    My MIL has joined the wagon in overstepping boundaries. But I give it back nowadays in very strong words. And have developed a thick skin. Last time I called to say hello, my MIL said something about my parents. So I cut the conversation short and messaged her that she or any of her family member has absolutely no rights to comment on my parents. And that I don't care what they think but they didn't have to express their opinion in front of me. She asked if I can call again, I said no, I have my work to do. She was fuming I guess and when I called after 2 days, she was all emotional and "how can you think like that, I think of you as my daughter". So I replied with my CEO analogy. In short, I implied that you guys say something but none of your actions are in line with what you say. Then she was talking about the FIl incident. I told her don't talk about it again. It's a recipe for trouble. Then I put the phone down and went on with my life. I also gave her a lot of examples of how her actions don't match her words. Nowadays, I don't even call her. I just message how are you and don't even look at replies. She once said, let's skype so that misunderstandings will vanish. I simply refused. If they can only see their mistakes as me having misunderstood then it's useless trying to talk with these people. Out of nearly 100 years of combined experience of living on earth, if my MIL and FIL are so egoistic to look at their own mistakes then no amount of talking is going to make them understand. It's not my job to make them understand.

    They must be fuming and waiting for another opportunity to spoil my peace of mind. But I don't care what she or her husband says or thinks. Like everyone said, ignoring their comments, replying and walking away(in my case putting the phone down) and in general an aloof attitude has definitely helped me. After all, I cannot control what they say - their tongue. But I strongly believe in karma and how She returns things with interest. So I am only focusing on my behaviour and life. Am not going to get sucked into their drama and their unsatiated need for controversy in their lives. I have better things to do with my life.
     
    AAPriya, Nov 25, 2017
    AAPriya, Nov 25, 2017
    #18
    MonikaSG and Rakhii like this.
  9. Nov 25, 2017 #19
    Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:@AAPriya thanks for liking my response. when such situations bothers one and if person keep mulling over the fight, quarrel, battle, abuse, etc and kept rewinding the negative scenes often would lead to health issues and that is the moment one should seize and read or watch humour. one can choose to read some snippets such as

    http://indusladies.com/community/threads/tight-schedule-spouse-rat-craft.304143/

    Thanks and Regards. God Bless Us All.
     
    Thyagarajan, Nov 25, 2017
    Thyagarajan, Nov 25, 2017
    #19
  10. Nov 25, 2017 #20
    Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:at #11in my response there was an error in the middle of the passage. the word "humorize" is to be substituted in place of existing word" memorize". Inconvenience is regretted.
    The Fil in question would be quietened and mull over his criticism (of OP's parents) when OP answer question with question and or humorizing the criticism. when he said to Op for asking her dad to give richness to FIL can be responded easily " the money is being carried in truck or loaded into pick up van and being hauled by cab which is expected to arrive soon."
    thanks and Regards.
     
    Thyagarajan, Nov 25, 2017
    Thyagarajan, Nov 25, 2017
    #20
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