Feeling Very Low And Depressed..please Help Me!

Anita726 · Jun 27, 2016

Hello everyone,

I'm married to my husband for 4 years now. He is an awesome guy. Relationship between my mil and me is not good from the beginning. She is very possessive about her son. They live in India and me and my husband live in USA. His family is financially dependent on him. Besides sending thousands of dollars every month, he has to take lots of Hand bags, watches, expensive medicines(diabetic mother, she doesn't use Indian medicines ), etc. and also give some extra pocket money to his elder sister and her family of 4, and younger sister whenever we visit. I never asked him to stop or control sending money. They take all the money do nothing in return, my mil didn't even send me a single sweet or one new dress for the baby when I was pregnant, when I asked her to send she was so furious and took it on my mother. My mil scolds me every time I talk to her over phone for no reason, if he says we went to movie she scolds him not to waste money, if I say I cooked cabbage, she scolds why eating only cabbage it is a lot of gas and so on.

I was pregnant and still the scolding's didn't stop. My mil stopped talking to me when I was 7 months pregnant reason, my mother was coming to USA before her. We asked her before booking ticket whether she wants to come. She is diabetic since she was 30 years, now she is 55 years and she has under gone a heart surgery once. She doesn't even put her food in her plate, her maid had to do it,though she is pretty healthy. So my mom has to come to help me, because my husband is busy working for his whole family.

I used to call my mil every day when I was pregnant because she stopped talking to me but she wouldn't lift. I stopped calling her for 2 months and after that again I gave her a call, this time she did talk to me. She scolded me and used very bad words on my dad and mom for no reason other than just for coming to USA. My husband knows everything and never uttered a word against her.

Though she didn't talk to me for 6 months my husband was talking and giggling with her like nothing happened twice a day on phone. His reason is that she is going to die because she has diabetes from 25 years. From day one he made my mouth shut saying that she won't live long, so obey her and don't tell anything against her because she is going to die soon. But in reality that is not the case she is pretty healthy to see, she always has the remote of my husband and everybody in the house, everybody should do according to her wish if not she will scold whomever they are it doesn't matter to her.

I'm an independent, strong and practical women, I like to do what I wanted to do. Though I don't like to do what my mil wanted me to do I did it sometimes for my husband. My husband is still a toy of his mother despite of so many happenings, he still listens to his mom and does whatever she asks to do(like today morning his family wanted to have a skype call he made the call at the time baby was sleeping, they asked to wake up the baby, he immediately did wake her, she was in deep sleep, his mom asked to make the baby sit (Baby is 6 months old), he made her sit and she fell off her head banged to floor, because she can't sit and cried out in pain). For him her happiness is all he ever wanted. My husband fears his mom, effect of 22 years brainwash on him, her happiness and his family members are more important than mine. He is a good man. But this mom thing in him is making me go crazy, I was so torn when my husband couldn't make any of his family members including his mom talk to me after baby was born. I was doing everything I could do like living on the budget thrifting every item so he could send his earnings home, bear all his mother's words and shouldn't utter a word even when I'm hurt. But he doesn't understand me.

These days I'm in a lot of depression no day goes by without me crying. I tried talking to him how much his behavior is hurting me. He says I and his mom are equally important to him. But he never showed that I'm also important. Nothing is working with him. There is no love left between us. There were many such situations like this in our 4 years of life. But this one is very big. He still loves his sisters, mom and dad 1000 times more than me. He doesn't even make a move to make up to me. He knows I'm hurt and depressed and still does what his mom says. I can't bear it anymore my heart is aching in pain, please help me. What should I do?

ravioli1970 · Jun 27, 2016

Anita726 said: ↑

Hello everyone,

I'm married to my husband for 4 years now. He is an awesome guy. Relationship between my mil and me is not good from the beginning. She is very possessive about her son. They live in India and me and my husband live in USA. His family is financially dependent on him. Besides sending thousands of dollars every month, he has to take lots of Hand bags, watches, expensive medicines(diabetic mother, she doesn't use Indian medicines ), etc. and also give some extra pocket money to his elder sister and her family of 4, and younger sister whenever we visit. I never asked him to stop or control sending money. They take all the money do nothing in return, my mil didn't even send me a single sweet or one new dress for the baby when I was pregnant, when I asked her to send she was so furious and took it on my mother. My mil scolds me every time I talk to her over phone for no reason, if he says we went to movie she scolds him not to waste money, if I say I cooked cabbage, she scolds why eating only cabbage it is a lot of gas and so on.

I was pregnant and still the scolding's didn't stop. My mil stopped talking to me when I was 7 months pregnant reason, my mother was coming to USA before her. We asked her before booking ticket whether she wants to come. She is diabetic since she was 30 years, now she is 55 years and she has under gone a heart surgery once. She doesn't even put her food in her plate, her maid had to do it,though she is pretty healthy. So my mom has to come to help me, because my husband is busy working for his whole family.

I used to call my mil every day when I was pregnant because she stopped talking to me but she wouldn't lift. I stopped calling her for 2 months and after that again I gave her a call, this time she did talk to me. She scolded me and used very bad words on my dad and mom for no reason other than just for coming to USA. My husband knows everything and never uttered a word against her.

Though she didn't talk to me for 6 months my husband was talking and giggling with her like nothing happened twice a day on phone. His reason is that she is going to die because she has diabetes from 25 years. From day one he made my mouth shut saying that she won't live long, so obey her and don't tell anything against her because she is going to die soon. But in reality that is not the case she is pretty healthy to see, she always has the remote of my husband and everybody in the house, everybody should do according to her wish if not she will scold whomever they are it doesn't matter to her.

I'm an independent, strong and practical women, I like to do what I wanted to do. Though I don't like to do what my mil wanted me to do I did it sometimes for my husband. My husband is still a toy of his mother despite of so many happenings, he still listens to his mom and does whatever she asks to do(like today morning his family wanted to have a skype call he made the call at the time baby was sleeping, they asked to wake up the baby, he immediately did wake her, she was in deep sleep, his mom asked to make the baby sit (Baby is 6 months old), he made her sit and she fell off her head banged to floor, because she can't sit and cried out in pain). For him her happiness is all he ever wanted. My husband fears his mom, effect of 22 years brainwash on him, her happiness and his family members are more important than mine. He is a good man. But this mom thing in him is making me go crazy, I was so torn when my husband couldn't make any of his family members including his mom talk to me after baby was born. I was doing everything I could do like living on the budget thrifting every item so he could send his earnings home, bear all his mother's words and shouldn't utter a word even when I'm hurt. But he doesn't understand me.

These days I'm in a lot of depression no day goes by without me crying. I tried talking to him how much his behavior is hurting me. He says I and his mom are equally important to him. But he never showed that I'm also important. Nothing is working with him. There is no love left between us. There were many such situations like this in our 4 years of life. But this one is very big. He still loves his sisters, mom and dad 1000 times more than me. He doesn't even make a move to make up to me. He knows I'm hurt and depressed and still does what his mom says. I can't bear it anymore my heart is aching in pain, please help me. What should I do?
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ravioli1970 · Jun 27, 2016

hi Anita,
my heart goes out to u, control ur emotions and put urself together. u r going thru what most dil go thru in any arranged marriage especially indian ones as most of the inlaws bring a daughter in law into their family as they don't have a choice but its a majboori but most of the times its a constant tug of war. the inlaws constantly feel threatened by the dil due to fear of losing their son and the wife has a lot of expectations and dreams and hopes entering into this marriage. the trouble is its up to the man to keep the peace but most of the indian men are not capable of that as they haven't had much exposure and they r completely mama's boys and have a guilt attached.
what u need to do now is stop complaining to him constantly as that will drive him away. the fact that he is a nice man helps the situation. u need to keep the peace at home and just pretend that nothing has happened even when these things r driving u nuts. if u need to shut urself in the bathroom and cry it out do that than going to him. he needs to see that r are a good person no matter what and sweet talk always wins.
u r competing with25-30 yrs of relationship vs 4 yrs. its a long journey before u get to that point of attachment.
u didn't come int he marriage bases on love so the fight is tougher.
what i have seen over the yrs wives have won huge battles with their patience and sweet talk and thats the only solution darling . so wipe those tears, go wash up get ready look drop dead gorgeous and get ready to battle daily. u can do it!!

Anita726 · Jun 27, 2016

ravioli1970 said: ↑

hi Anita,
my heart goes out to u, control ur emotions and put urself together. u r going thru what most dil go thru in any arranged marriage especially indian ones as most of the inlaws bring a daughter in law into their family as they don't have a choice but its a majboori but most of the times its a constant tug of war. the inlaws constantly feel threatened by the dil due to fear of losing their son and the wife has a lot of expectations and dreams and hopes entering into this marriage. the trouble is its up to the man to keep the peace but most of the indian men are not capable of that as they haven't had much exposure and they r completely mama's boys and have a guilt attached.
what u need to do now is stop complaining to him constantly as that will drive him away. the fact that he is a nice man helps the situation. u need to keep the peace at home and just pretend that nothing has happened even when these things r driving u nuts. if u need to shut urself in the bathroom and cry it out do that than going to him. he needs to see that r are a good person no matter what and sweet talk always wins.
u r competing with25-30 yrs of relationship vs 4 yrs. its a long journey before u get to that point of attachment.
u didn't come int he marriage bases on love so the fight is tougher.
what i have seen over the yrs wives have won huge battles with their patience and sweet talk and thats the only solution darling . so wipe those tears, go wash up get ready look drop dead gorgeous and get ready to battle daily. u can do it!!
Click to expand...

Hi Ravioli1970,
Thank you for your valuable input and quick response. The thing is my marriage was first called off by my mil in 2011 because of dowry issues and after 6 months my husband convinced his mother to marry me. As i was deeply in love with him after talking to him before marriage i convinced my parents and married him.
But i don't know whether he really loves me now or not. I like your suggestion of locking all the emotions inside me, but how can I try to be happy at the same time, because the things i said above happens everyday.

blindpup10 · Jun 27, 2016

@Anita726
Hi, I am sorry you are going through this. All DIL after having a child will go through what you are going through, as MIL's feel that their son might take his family seriously and might not be there for them. She will play all cards in her favor now.Especially that particular angle of being a sick mom and the baby has to get to know the sick grandmom.

Anyways.. my suggestion is

1. Try Couple counseling. Try to tell him that this issue is bothering you quite a bit and you would like to talk about it. Because it seems he is afraid to say NO to his mother who is one day going to die?? We all die.
2. Give him an ultimatum. That you are an independent woman and you have done enough of things to take it. Insulting your parents is just plain rude. Point it to your husband. That all the sacrifices that you have made.
3. Make sure he recognizes that without your permission he doesn't wake your child like that! You play the mother card! You know your child the best! If his mother knows him. Hold your card high. DOnt have to keep showing it to him all the time. But child card is your thing.
4. Like ravioli said.. hold your peace for awhile. Don't keep talking about this issue over and over. Yes, that drives men away. Collect all your complaints together and wait for the opportunity to make sure you get your word out. And make sure you come strong. Tell him if doesn't put you and the baby needs first. You have to reconsider this relationship again.
5. Give him a unified look at your family. Tell him some positive things involving how 3 of you can do so much more living in US, if you guys save. Especially as an immigrant it is hard to do so having a major part taken out for his part of the family.
6. Use your child card in creative ways.
7. I once told my husband that I have no one else but him. My parents are old and his mother has her father, SIL has her husband and I questioned him who do I have? If he doesn't take my side even if I am wrong. It is completely unfair to be in this relationship.

I am in almost the same situation I have a small baby too. I have had to pull the hell and heaven together for my husband to make us the first priority. Thank god both my IL's are doing good, yet my husband keeps pulling the death card on me !! It is always a struggle for DIL's. Goodluck sweets. Be strong. Nothing will change if you don't do things differently.

gauridinesh · Jun 27, 2016

My first question to you is - why are you going out of your way to accommodate your MIL? If she doesnt speak to you, say "Yippee! Good riddance" and live your life. Why all this heartburn over someone who doesnt care for you.
Stop expecting any kind of love from your MIL. Now that you have tried your best to make her talk to you and she hasnt reciprocated an iota- your conscience is in the clear. Let go. Stop giving her any kind of importance. Ignore her the way that she ignores you. case closed.
Learn to detach your love for your husband and the way he loves his mom. While it is no excuse to treat you badly, you need to stop looking at him to stand up for yourself. Dont compromise on the baby's health or well being in any manner - as the mother, you have ultimate authority there. Exercise it. Stop this pity party of "I dont know why he doesnt love me as much as his mom..". His love for you should not be the center of your life. Wake up girl!
Make your baby the center of your world. Pay attention to the little bundle of joy. Have your own life - get a job, go out , do something creative. But stop looking for gratification from your husband. Easier said than done - but you need to start doing it in small measures. Or your whole life is going to be wasted between son and mom.

type2 · Jun 27, 2016

I highly encourage you to read this thread by an awesome woman, vaniquest. How Marriage And Relationship Problem Has Made Me A Better Person
How Marriage And Relationship Problem Has Made Me A Better Person

Talcum · Jun 27, 2016

Hi Anita,

Hugs to you first ! You are not alone in this. Agree with many things others have posted before me. Focus on your child and health. Don't let this in laws drama ruin your precious moments with your child. Your child may be very little now but it can still easily absorb all the negative energies in its surroundings. Parents are the most powerful role models for a child. Do not let this continue for a long time as it will affect your mental health . You have to find a solution to your situation. See if he is agreeable for counseling. That will be a start.

Also assess your living situation here , meaning can you live in USA on your own if it ever comes to the worst situation of having to go through divorce? If you are not in that situation yet, work towards becoming independent. Focus your energy on those things. Don't try to save money for him. Live your live comfortably. Also, remember past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. If he does not show any willingness to change, and you are losing your sanity, then it is time to think about ending this relationship. It is better to do it sooner than suffering for many many years and then doing it. Please do not misunderstand this, I am not asking you to take that step right now.

In the meanwhile, get your sanity back. Stay strong. Listen to music like devotional songs all the time and watch comedy shows. You can find plenty of these tracks on you tube. Music has the power to change brain chemistry and make you feel better. Our Vedic chants especially are very powerful in this regard. If you are still not feeling better with your depression, go see a doctor.

Also try to connect with other people. Having good friends that you can open up to will also help. Unfortunately, sometimes this can be a problem when you are in USA as people are busy with their lives.

Take care,
Talcum

Talcum · Jun 27, 2016

You can send me a private message if you wish to talk to me.

yellowmango · Jun 27, 2016

OP.....firstly regarding your relationship with mil.Why do you disrespect yourself by your one way efforts?
You tried enough ...now stop that.Do not call her.If husband wants you to...ask him why ? Does it give him satisfaction to see his mother disrespect his wife.

If she calls....talk in a formal way. If she scolds...tell her firmly to not talk to you this way and put the phone down.4 years is a long time to take this ******** from her.You are not a child to be scolded.You will be treated with respect once you start treating yourself with respect and demand the same from her and your husband.
Tell your parents also to tell her not to talk to them disrespectfully or just tell them to not tke her calls.

As for sils........your husband has to take care of his mothers needs but not his sisters needs. I have never heard of a man sending pocket money to his married sister for her and her family. This nonsense will continue as long as you sit quietly .