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Feeling Very Depressed And Need Advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shri0218, Jul 7, 2017.

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  1. Jul 7, 2017 #1
    shri0218

    shri0218 Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry for the long post:

    I have been married for 2 years and live abroad. Though after lots of struggles we got married (it was a love marriage and had to convince in laws) we both were finally happy. So after my first year of marriage I met with an accident a major one and was in the hospital for months and had to undergo surgery and stuff. During this time never did my inlaws offer any help and call to enquire how im feeling. (though my husband says they used to call him and ask about me) The one time they called they asked how their son is managing with food!! It was all about their son. I was unable to walk or be independent during this tough time and we stay in a predominantly “white area” so I have been very lonely since I came to this country (no friends or neighbors). My husband did all he could to take of me and he could not take much leave because he had exhausted all his Holidays during my surgery and intital weeks later. This has been very traumatic for me as I used to lonely all alone at home unable to do anything just stuck at a place and all my past used to haunt me (had a lot of friends very outgoing great job). It was a huge financial strain on us (I was not working at that time) and just as things were getting better another blow struck. I had to get another surgery for some other issue. It was totally unexpected and was a rare condition and so had to pay considerable amount. I started feeling like a complete loser and felt so guilty marrying him though He is a gem never showed any frustration or even shared financial stress.

    I'm an only daughter and due to health issues my family couldn't come as well.
    The issue is though his parents knew what we were going through they actually called him (the night before my second surgery – to send them money so that his mom can buy new jewellery!!) and something similar happened during the first time also. Though before they have insulted me/my family a lot I tried to look past it all for my husband. But this thing made me so bitter and I saw the selfish side of my inlaws. Though I never showed it them I talk normally, even during my trip to india I was cordial spent money like any other family. So now that everything is back to normal my inlaws want to visit us. They want to go “sightseeing” – exactly their words.That also they did not tell me , but just spoke to my husband. All this time I never said anything but now I cant stop crying, even arguing with my husband that I do want them here. So when we were in need they did not come here. Cz they would have been stuck at home helping us but now that all is ok they want to come and enjoy. How is that fair??? :(

    I know it is not fair to my husband and he cannot say no if his parents want to come but somehow im not able to let go of it. Im crying all the time and all the past painful experiences keep coming back to me and I just don’t want them to come cz I feel they are being so selfish. How do I deal with this? As I said I have no friends here and back in india no one knows abt my health issues no please need your advice. Please don’t judge me that im being selfish..i don’t want hurt my husband he is all I have got but I am not able to accept the fact they as elders were never there when were some of the worst times of our lives even demanding money for stupid reasons) but now want us to spend for their tickets and sightseeing. Thanks for going through the long post.
     
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2017
    shri0218, Jul 7, 2017
    shri0218, Jul 7, 2017
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  2. Jul 7, 2017 #2
    iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    In all these phases,your DH has been fair to you right?

    Ignore your Inlaws's attitude just for your DH.In case you argue with DH about them coming,he is definitely going to get hurt though he may understand that his parents are selfish.However they are,they are his parents.That bond cannot be changed.

    So think about this for your DH and react accordingly.
     
    iamsrihere, Jul 7, 2017
    iamsrihere, Jul 7, 2017
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  3. Jul 7, 2017 #3
    armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Good that you sailed through bad times and doing good now.

    Agreed your inlaws are insensitive to you but it does not mean they can never set foot in their sons home .

    It is entirely ok if you do bare minimum for them when they are here and let your husband do all the caring for them.

    One more thing , When you were in need , you should have called your parents. They are more closer to you and would have cared for you better.
     
    armummy, Jul 7, 2017
    armummy, Jul 7, 2017
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  4. Jul 7, 2017 #4
    shri0218

    shri0218 Silver IL'ite

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    You are right my husband has been there for me through thick and thin. I'm just unable to accept the fact that they can come here when all is fine and act as if nothing happened.
    Thank you for your advice.
     
    shri0218, Jul 7, 2017
    shri0218, Jul 7, 2017
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  5. Jul 7, 2017 #5
    Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Shri, I am so sorry for all that you have been going through and am glad things have been getting better. Your in laws are being selfish and you are justified in feeling the way you do. If I was in your situation, I would not expect them to come all the way to help me, but I would definitely want them to talk to me and check how I am doing. Your life is just getting back to normal after all the traumatic experiences you have had. So by all means ask the husband to talk to them and postpone their trip. I also assume you have had a stressful early married life because of everything that happened, so travel with the husband . My guess is you will have to bear all expenses for the in laws trip, so utilize that money for your vacations instead.
    Your husband seems like a understanding guy, so explain to him without getting worked up. Your in laws lack basic compassion and totally do not deserve your time or attention and definitely not your peace of mind.

    On a side note, try making friends in your area. Maybe volunteer at the library etc . I have had friends of different nationalities, it is a enriching experience learning about different cultures , lifestyles , opinions . So don't restrict yourself to looking for friends of your kind.

    I wish you all the happiness in the world ! Take care !



     
    Sandycandy, Jul 7, 2017
    Sandycandy, Jul 7, 2017
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  6. Jul 7, 2017 #6
    shri0218

    shri0218 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for your advice. My parents had health issues and they were not able to travel at that exact time. They did come later.
     
    shri0218, Jul 7, 2017
    shri0218, Jul 7, 2017
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  7. Jul 7, 2017 #7
    shri0218

    shri0218 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for the encouragement and positive vibes. Actuually my husband did try talking to them but they are hell bent and are emotionally talking to him..that why shouldn't we come, we just wanna spend time and so on. DH has been here for a few years and they have never come and they playing that card as well ..
    My husband understands what I'm going through but he is helpless and I can see that ..just the very thought of them coming now is very stressful.
    Also will look into volunteering thank you ! HUGS
     
    shri0218, Jul 7, 2017
    shri0218, Jul 7, 2017
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  8. Jul 7, 2017 #8
    Elsa

    Elsa Gold IL'ite

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    IMHO, if your husband has been taking care of you well, you should probably let go your PIL's irrespective of their insensitivity towards you.

    From your post, it looks like they have never been rude or mean to you. But they haven't been willing to take care of you during your bad times either. Please correct me if I am wrong. You cannot do much to stop them from making a sight-seeing trip. You should probably leave it to your husband to decide. But you should also let him know that they should be able to cook and clean after themselves and cannot expect you to do any more work than what you are doing now until you feel better.

    If possible, invite your parents if you need help, after they get well. Or else, try to go back to your parents place and be with them until you feel better.
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2017
    Elsa, Jul 7, 2017
    Elsa, Jul 7, 2017
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  9. Jul 7, 2017 #9
    Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    You have been through a lot , and even if you are ok now , the wounds are still raw. You lost a portion of your life to sickness and loneliness , that too when you were newly married and probably had lots of plans to enjoy and have fun.. And now ur in laws are landing and you assume this is not going to be a fun period as well, since being with them is a reminder of their insensitivity . Since you can't avoid their visit , make the best of it. if they are going to be sightseeing , it means you and your hubby are going to be sightseeing as well, just relax , have lighthearted conversations with your husband and pretend your in laws are sidekicks and you both are the main characters in this movie.. soon they will be going back, they aren't going to stay forever.
     
    Shreema86, Jul 7, 2017
    Shreema86, Jul 7, 2017
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  10. Jul 8, 2017 #10
    prestine

    prestine Silver IL'ite

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    Dear op,

    Are you back to normal physically and mentally? That is the priority. Do you think you can take care of them during their visit? If you are still recovering, postpone their trip. Let your DH explain that to them. Whenever you feel mentally and physically strong, invite them.

    OR if they are stubborn about the travel, and you are still recovering, ask your DH to set low expectations of what you can do and can't, before their arrival. Also set your DH mindset that he has to fill in those days when you are sick/down.

    Take care of yourself, go out often, enjoy!
     
    prestine, Jul 8, 2017
    prestine, Jul 8, 2017
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