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Feeling upset & lonely due to husband's behaviour

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by aasawaree_b, Apr 18, 2008.

  1. aasawaree_b

    aasawaree_b New IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,

    I am feeling quite upset now...hence thought of writing my feelings over here...after all, what is IL for? Yesterday, I had some health problem due to which my BP suddenly went down and I was hospitalised for a day. I am otherwise quite a healthy person...and I have not myself entered an hospital as a patient, except at the time of delivery. Like all couples, I and my DH also fight sometimes; sometimes it is healthy, sometimes it is not; then I feel hurt and upset. I am especially sensitive about my health, more so when DH does not care about my medicines etc. Last year when he underwent a minor surgery, I took such good care of him, that even my in-laws praise me for that till now. They tell their relatives that they no longer worry about their son, as he has got such a caring wife.

    So the same way, I always wanted and expected my husband to help me and be at my side whenever I need him. But in fact, whenever I had to visit a doctor, most of the times, I had to go alone, as you all know, husbands are soooooooo busy with their jobs that they don't get time even to accompany their wife to a clinic. But yesterday, he took an off as I was hospitalised...took good care of me. It made me very happy.

    But since today morning, even though I am still feeling very weak, he was expecting that I would carry on normally with my routine. He did not even ask me if I have taken my medicines or not. On top of it, after coming from office, he started arguing and fighting with me for some silly issues and just went off to sleep. His behaviour has made me very upset. Well, I know that there are so many other ladies with much more serious problems, and for them, this may not at all be a "problem" or a reason enough to get upset...but yes, I am feeling very lonely and upset..and just thought of sharing it with you all...that's it.

    Thanks & Take Care,
    Aasa
     
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  2. sudhirakumar

    sudhirakumar Senior IL'ite

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    hi aasawaree i can understand your situation. And more than anyone hubby is very important to us. we feel so bad when they neglet us. What i say is be patient and try stay cool and as you have BP better not to take things so seriously they might effect your health. When he is in a cool mood dont forget to say what he did and how you felt bad about it in a cool manner.then he shall never forget it. meanwhile you better talk to your mom and anyone you love like your friend for feeling good.Hey dont worry things will settle down after all ALL MEN ARE LIKE THAT..theres nothing special about your husbands behaviour..me too feel bad sometimes that ok.....it happens to all of us sometime or the other the nwe will be deeply hurt that why we are WOMEN...:hiya

    CHEER UP.....sudhira
     
  3. Traveller

    Traveller Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Aasa,

    Me too in the same boat as you are! I have a 3 yr old boy and 2 more months to go before delivering my 2nd one. My husband is always neck-deep in work and any appointments I have to go myself, also managing my son. Some days if i ask him to baby-sit the child or drop me in clinic (i've some complications so i'm all the time visiting one doctor or the other) he'll say something that hurts me. I always try to think he's not doing it intentionally... it must be just his work pressure. but i'm sure there are men out there who can balance these things better. i too cry to my friend or to myself in such situations. even y'day i had to go to the hospital because my gyn suspected something and wanted to ensure i'm alright. my husband returned from out of station today but until now he has not asked how i'm doing... all the time on phone n emails. i haven't asked him anything either because it'll only lead to unnecessary arguments and i'll get stressed. earlier i used to do this self-consoling saying there must be worse problems faced by others and i'm complaining over simple issues. but i think when we are esp away from home, family we have no one else but our husbands to lend a shoulder to cry! take care, girl... we're here to listen to you:) Latha
     
  4. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Aasa, how are you feeling now? Did you take complete rest, sweetie?

    :kiss:kiss... I completely hear you.... yep.. that happens most of the time... their(husbands) excuse is that they don't know to show their feelings, but deep inside, they do care so much... I sincerely hope its the same case with your husband... Remember, women is an emotional bundle, not men.. If our guys says casually says I guess I have headache.. we will do all stuff from making soups, giving him tablets and what not.. Even better without he mentioning, we can easily figure out that somethings bothering him.

    But most men are not like that dear. We need to spill it out to them... Even if we did, with lot many other stuff in their mind(they blame it on the work!!), they tend to not care.. They have this pre-defined notion in their mind, "Oh, she will take care of herself..nothing to worry"

    If you feel so lonely, please don't get upset. When hes back from office, after dinner, when you are relaxing, mention to him that you missed him. Wish he was with you... Talk passionately and let him know that you want him to take care of you at least for few hours. But beware, never open it the minute he walks into the home.. its called NAGGING :mrgreen:

    Latha, please please don't stress yourself now.... relax.. keep telling your mind that, my husband loves me, its just that... hes working hard for our growing family. End of the day, its all for me and my kids... Don;t cry...RantRantyou shouldnt be at this time, you know right.. Feel happy, think about happy things... Think about your baby and how much courageous you are, that you are doing this all by urself and not troubling your husband who's working harder for this family.

    Think about how many wives are away from their husbands and they dont even have him near them during their pregnancy or delivery or for few years.. [Marinee engg wives example, they get to meet only few weeks a year]

    So cheer up girls !! you have so many friends and sisters here.. come have gala time here whenever you feel upset ok?
     
  5. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    aasawaree_b

    Cheer up!

    Like all say, You are as dependent on your hubsand as you make it wether emotionally or logistically. Whenever I hear such thing I wonder how my mother used to manage. She was an army wife and my father stayed away from good ten years. He used to come once a month. On top of it, in those ten years, I have never seen her crying. It take very strong and gutsy woman to do that. We were extra rowdy kids. So we will injured atleast twice a month. She would rush us to doctor immediately and wouldn't even complain to dad. On top of it she used to accomplish all her duties to her In-laws and parents side. She will bring my MIL from village, take her for treatments, Help Dad's brother with his stuff.

    I am not appluading my mom per say. But whenever I get low in life for anything I look up to her and other strong woman I have seen in my life. More you cry and nag to him, more he will not do it. Just leave it at a comfortable point, where he does when he can, he doesnot when he cannot. And when he is sick , also make a point to not provide yourself unnecessarliy. Sometime we do too much superflueous extra care which until appreciated goes down the drain.

    Hope this helps
    Ria
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2008
  6. kaumed

    kaumed New IL'ite

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    Hi Aasa,

    Wishing u a speedy recovery. I think most of us r in the same boat. I am feeling bad to say that because when u r already depressed instead of giving u courage to face the situation, may be our replies might upset u more. But may be u can cool off thinking that it is not just ur hubby but 95% of them r like that and we r not lucky enough to be in the 5% bracket. I think all the ladies who face similar situations,should ensure that their sons do not become like their dads and another young girl after 20-25 yrs has to face the same situation. I strongly want to raise my son in that way and god willing he does'nt inherit such qualities
     
  7. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    dear aasa,

    wish you a fast recovery. I would say that women are usually more sensitive to others' needs and are more capable of looking after sick people. A man's mind works in a different manner. Don't expect your husband to guess how you are feeling and look after you or make you rest or whatever... If you are feeling unwell or weak just tell him directly that you are not well and you can't cook or do whatever... If you want him to take you to a doctor, tell him so. Ask him when he has time, and book an appointment accordingly. In due time, he will understand, he needs to take care of you.

    latha, I hope, things work out better for you. You need somebody to look after you in such times. Wish you the best.
     
  8. kavya007

    kavya007 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,

    I can understand your pain. After my delivery my husband let me down very badly. I begged him to take an extra week of vacation after my C section and he told me that he had some important work to office. That incident hurt me very much. I had sacrificed lot of good opportunities in my career for my husband's sake and in return this is what I got. Eventually he realized his mistake. He felt very sorry for what he did and told me he would turn a new leaf. But a few months ago I came down with flu and my husband treated me very, very badly even during that time. The worst thing that he does is when I am sick he would tell me I have also been sick so I know it is no big deal. He thinks he is super man.

    These are some of the lessons I have learned from this experience.

    1) Try to take the best care of your health. Always think that there is nobody to support you if you fall sick. Do not have any expectations from your hubby.
    2) Try your best to avoid a fight when you are sick.
    3) Develop a support network besides your husband.
    4) When your husband falls sick you don't have to mother him back to good health. Do what you feel is needed. Don't shower too much love and care and expect that you would be treated like that.
    5) If your husband focuses too much on work put your foot down. Career is not everything in life. Many men spend a lot of time just browsing at office and endlessly looking at silly emails !!! When my husband did that I cold shouldered him for quite some time. I made it very clear to him that if he treated me like this I will walk out of this marriage. It was a tough time in our life but now he is much better.
    6) Do whatever you have to do to keep your sanity. Even if it means that you have to be very selfish it is okay. We need to show a happy face to our children. Don't let your husband take you for granted.

    Thanks,
    Kavya.

     
  9. lakshmikomminen

    lakshmikomminen New IL'ite

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    I like Kavya's points. I will print it out and follow the same way. I guess being cold is ok Some times rather than nurturing them (husband's). Kavya your third point & the last point, “3) develop a support network besides your husband; Even if it means that you have to be very selfish it is okay”is really a valid advice. Thanks for that. I want to add to that, the support network if it is preferably from his work / colleagues that would be more helpful, which, I learned only this morning.

    Quote: Aasawaree_b “But yes, I am feeling very lonely and upset”

    I wish I had known IL long time back (may be 4 years back). I would have shared my feelings the same way aasa did today. I think it is too late for me to get any help but, do help aasawaree_b folks, atleast let she get some help from you. I do not want to see her like me "as I am in a deep pain."
     
  10. aasawaree_b

    aasawaree_b New IL'ite

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    Thank you friends! I am actually feeling better after reading all your replies! This is what I call IL's magic spell...I did not know that I have so many friends who have been through similar situation and who understand my feelings...thanks buddies.

    Ria, I just want to make it clear that it's not about not being able to go to a doctor alone or not being strong enough to manage it alone. Hats off to your mom and many others who manage everything without husband's support. I have myself done single-parenting for almost 4 years...that too when my kid was a toddler. At that time, my husband was transferred to another place and I too had my job in IT...and everyone knows how hectic IT jobs are. It's more of an emotional requirement...our husbands do not mind spending extra hours for office-work, then why can't they take time off for taking wife to a clinic? Moreover, does it really take any time to speak a few loving and caring words asking the wife how she's feeling and whether she has taken her medicines. Having that emotional support is enough to make me feel better.

    But perhaps, as you friends said, men do not understand these things..they need to be explicitly told about it. Especially when we are in a foreign land, away from our family and friends, we feel lonely and upset even for small issues. In my case, I am completely dependent on my husband for emotional support coz I do not have parents or siblings. I do have close relatives who are just next to my parents..but still nobody can replace our parents. Luckily, my MIL is more like a friend, than a MIL, but she's in India. And now I have once again realized that I have a lot of friends in IL to count upon...

    Latha, please take care of your health...you really need to be cheerful and happy for your baby's sake...please don't let such issues affect your health and your mood...i know it's difficult, but we all are here to listen.

    Let's pray to God for speedy recovery of all those who are suffering....either physically or emotionally.

    Thanks for your support. Take Care,
    Aasa :wave
     

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