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Feeling So Upset And Resentful

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Needtobestrong, Sep 4, 2019.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    The problem is not the presence of your PILs, not the visitors, not the absence of the maid/cook, but your attitude towards marriage.

    As far as I know, a marriage needs to have certain qualities to call it a marriage. Just having a partner for the sake of it, and living under one roof and sharing kid's/family's responsibilities is not marriage. It may be called in other words.
    For me, yours is not a marriage at all. Sorry for being blunt here.

    Separate lives?? What's that?
    Sleeping separately for 1-2 days when guests are around, is OK.
    But sleeping separately for longer times, and leading separate lives under one roof is a marriage killer.
    You should immediately change this, and the rest will fall in the right place sooner or later.

    My MIL suggested this when we had our first born. She said it is good if my H sleeps in the other room, else his sleep would be affected.
    But instead, our marriage was affected that time.
    Somehow we were back, and the next time she came up with the same excuse to split us by separating our bedrooms, I put my foot down, and made my H sleep together with us.
    Kids can slowly go back to their own rooms later in life. But the spouses should sleep together.
    Sharing physical relationship (not just IC, but hugs, caressing, etc..etc) is very important in a couple relationship.
    Even without any words, such physical touch could solve many emotional problems in life.
    You can't have such intimate physical relationship with anyone at this point of life.
    And having no physical relationship at all can increase your emotional problems to another level.



    This is not right. Even no one is hearing, you should speak your mind out. You should consistently share your opinions, and raise your concerns on everything that matters to you. One day, people will start listening to you.
     
  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Yes true...these days my husband has lost respect for me...he doesn't care about my feelings...other men also live with in,was in my family circle but they support their wives..in my case not there..if he is not interested what can I do..
    I'm only living for sake of my kid and my parents..my husband doesn't give me a **** whether I'm alive or not..
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    What does it mean? It is not easy to create any interest when you are in two rooms in a joint family set up. Both of your needs are different (physical vs emotional). If you want this marriage to get better, move to his room and sleep on the same bed. Who is stoping you to do that. Try to touch and hug more, improve intimacy (both of you don't feel connected if there is no intimacy). You need time alone to be intimate–and that usually means the same bedroom. You deserve better. Take a first step. If you cannot do this everyday, start with one day per week and see how it goes. Gave up any ego/confusion. He is your dh. Talk in a loving way, how you are missing those good moments. Let him know you like to spend time with him. Also there is no other serious issues according to your post. If you continue like this, both of you feel your needs are not met and can lead to more problems.

    One of my family friends recently separated (no kids) after a decade(or more) of marriage. Both(h &w) are really good persons, so it was a shock for us. Also there is no serious issues according to their version. Reason they gave, they became house mates/strangers than a couple. They were really happy when they were in a single bed room small apartment. But when they they bought home a few years ago, they started living their life in separate rooms in two corners of the big house, both were also busy. Their interactions became minimum, they don't even see each other, slowly their relationship deteriorated. They were not in talking terms for the last two years. We all feel that it would not have happened if they were in the same apartment, also they didnt try to take effort to spend time together and has taken each other for granted. But in many cases couples stay like room mates for kids. That's not good for both of them. It can result in strong resentments. Everyone needs their own space, but its important to spend some time together, in a marriage.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2019 at 12:11 AM
  4. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    OP what DDream is very true.

    couple of my girl friends at work say the same. they sleep in different rooms, due to work and person entertainment like movies. now they complain that their spouses even hate hearing their voices. and they are more close to some random men at work than their spouse.

    take baby steps. nothing will change in a day.
     
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  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    You can do a lot of things to bring that connect back.
    You can take the first step to patch things up.
    You can dig further to know the root cause of this split and to work from there on.
    There are lot of things as a wife you can do before giving up on your marriage.

    And if nothing works, you have the option to leave.
    If you are living for the sake of your kid and parents, then you have to do something for that living.
    What you are doing now is not living. I am sorry, but you are just surviving.

    As time goes by, you will only become bitter and that bitter person is a curse to the family.
     
    Thyagarajan and Needtobestrong like this.
  6. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    Me and my DH went through a similar phase once, maybe around 2 years ago. I wanted to spend time with him, wanted him to shower his love on me, wanted him to take me out, and when i asked him, he was either too tired, or too busy just for me. It used to make me angry and then started the huge fights. Our communication became minimal. It was bare minimum, if anything was needed or spoken, he used to watsapp when he had time and i used to respond similarly.

    Later i took sometime out and decided what i wanted in my life. IF i wanted to live this way or change my life for better.

    I only knew that i loved my husband and wanted to be with him. So i started doing things for him. I stopped expecting things from him. I started hugging him as a way of thanking him for helping me out for even small things. If he used to leave for office after a fight, i used to travel all the way to his office and used to wait there for him until he came out and spoke to me. During those long wait hours, i somehow ended up meeting his colleagues and managers also.

    I used to send flowers and chocolates to his workplace as a surprise. I used to make a reservation at a restaurant for a lunch or dinner and surprise him with it.

    Even if he was busy with his work or TV or laptop, i used to sit beside him. There were days i used to fall asleep on his shoulder. When he asked me why i was doing it, i used to say that i wanted to be with him, but since he was busy, i didnt want to disturb him and hence sitting beside him!!

    It used to frustrate me for the first few months when i felt that he wasn't responding to my love. But i remained patient and stuck to my plan. Trust me, it was not easy. Even when he argued, i used to hug it out and let those hard arguments slide.

    He changed. Slowly but steadily, he changed. He started to put his work aside when i when to sit beside him. He started to make reservations at restaurants too. During those dates, we never discussed about past fights. I ensured we talked about our work. His work mostly, so i got to know and understand the people he works with. This became a habit and now i am his vent box when he wants to vent about his colleagues or manager. I let him talk it out.

    Before you start doing anything for him, start working on yourself. Believe in yourself. Start dressing for yourself, give yourself occasional treats. I love ice creams. I treat myself to ice creams occasionally....just for myself. I feel great. If you like to get ready, try and get ready for yourself the way you like.

    Put all your work on hold until you are in the mood to actually do that chore. i do that. I do the bare minimum only most of the times. Else listen to songs while working.

    Stop excepting anything for your husband. Stop thinking about how he is treating his family or his friends. Just focus on how you want him to treat you and concentrate and work just on that!

    Hope this helps
     
  7. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    @SGBV @DDream @lavani @beautifullife30
    Thanks so much for replies...while I was venting out I didn't think about other side too..definitely don't want to increase the distance and spoil future of my marriage..I don't want the same situation as lavani and Ddream described...even if my husband doesn't show interest I'll surely put my ego aside and try to get closer to him and be the most important person for him...
    Actually if I think about it, while he was always like this , situation wasn't that bad earlier..his work situation wasn't that bad..in laws weren't staying for that long with us...but from past many months maybe even one year he faced issues at office ...in laws started living for extended durations with us...guest used to come regularly ...my household and kitchen responsibilities at home increased, free time and privacy went for a toss...this has seriously triggered distances and fights between us...as he is not one who can say no easily...he will agree to run errands for everyone, he will agree to entertain guests, he will look after in laws when unwell..while I struggled when I fell sick..that really when I saw him being close to parents, relatives, guests, doing so much for them, and sidelining me I totally lost my cool..I also need to control my emotions and be smarter..I want to have a peaceful family for sure.
     
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  8. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, I am happy to know that you are taking my feedback in a positive way. You are a very supportive wife. But still... he may feel neglected. I said earlier also, when you decide to go to his bed room, make sure to take bath and smell good. I dont think any healthy male can resist longer :). I am sure, you know what I mean. Fix a day (just like date night) if you dont want to go everyday. Even if you are tired, just do it, if he want it. Even if nothing happens, go there, hug and sleep, without expecting anything. I am sure slowly he will start to wait for it even if he so tired or stressed :).Thats how nature created them. That intimacy itself than revive the bond between you two & make you happy. Try this for few a months and see how it goes. Dont worry about his interaction with others, focus on your relation with him. You are young, take some effort. There is no point in regretting about wasting our precious youthful time later in our life (mid-life crisis?)

    Women are powerful than men, especially in mutli-tasking and can handle many tough situations well. Thats how nature created us. However you are overdoing things in my opinion. So try to hire help or take it easy. Good luck
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2019 at 9:08 PM
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....different bedrooms never work. You are too young to live like this.

    Take @DDream 's advice and move in.
    If you feel awkward doing it suddenly...just do it slowly.
    Dress up nice,smell nice....smile at him, give him tea yourself and sit with him and have your tea.
    Sit with him and eat meals.

    Start small chit chat.
    Tell him it is time for kids to have their own sleeping place.
    Make place for kids . Give them their favorite toys and tell them they are too big to sleep with mummy.
    Then shift into husband's den.

    Don't be disheartened if he doesn't jump at the opportunity immediately. You both have to slowly let go of past issues.

    Best wishes op....hope things work out soon .
     
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  10. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Needtobestrong,

    Every life is special. You must take care of your health (both physical and mental) health well first before you do anything.

    Step 1 - Remove all the jealous feelings towards others who are doing so much better in their life. How to make your life better is entirely in your hands and your husband's hand.

    Step 2 - Assume only you and your husband need to make steps to make your married life better and no one will every attempt to fix it other than two of you. Ignore what your in-laws are doing and don't even pay attention to what they do. They know what was happening but are silent spectator to this situation. They don't even think about the well-being of their son's married life and granddaughter's happiness.

    Step 3 - Spend a lot of time with your child, spend time to treat yourself well and demonstrate that you are extremely happy. When your face reflects anger and sadness, those who like it will try to promote status quo.

    Step 4 - You have a right to spend time with your husband alone. Demand that heart to heart discussion whether in or outside of the house. If required, demand for a lunch meeting with him during working hours. Ask him what would make both your lives better and reflect what you had experienced in the past. Tell him you are ready to fix anything at your end and share gently what you see as a problem at his end.

    Things will definitely get better. They are passing clouds and what you described doesn't appear to be a dysfunctional marriage forever but it is a temporarily broken spousal relationship. I wish you all the best.
     

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