1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Feeling So Upset And Resentful

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Needtobestrong, Sep 4, 2019.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    760
    Likes Received:
    908
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    My husband is not spending time with me or toddler these days as he is having lot of work related issues..really I've been so sympathetic with him and so understanding...I handle all household related stuffs and bill payment formalities so he can be free..I even adjust so much with in laws when ever they are here which is quite often..but he takes me for granted..

    I'm feeling so irritated when he shows so much love and concern for his parents, cousins, elderly relatives etc...even if any of them is at fault and I point out, he flares up and supports them only..
    He doesn't care about me at all..
    I had some really bad health issues recently...far from taking care he didn't even ask me for name sake if I m ok or not..or to take care..when his parents fell sick he did so much for them...he even helped his relative recently when unwell...he stayed in hospital etc...on the other hand I have done cooking and washing utensils even with fever and back issue..
    We lead separate lives and sleep separately in same house..he is not bothered to take me out anywhere...even in laws don't have that much tact to give us space..they are enjoying life by going to different places and inviting guests home...even I ask him to talk to me for half n hour everyday he makes excuse ..or we are interrupted by others..ten minutes of meaningful conversation we don't have in a day...
    Really I'm so skilled in managing all household budgets, cooking , etc...but one word of appreciation I won't get ...I feel he married me as he needs care taker for his parents..
    If I ask him to take me out he makes flimsy excuses..but he is ready to go to relatives function or family get together etc...I burn with jealousy when friends post pics of themselves with their spouse in romantic getaways..
    If he takes me out, it will just be to buy groceries...and he is in hurry to go back home ...
    I'm quite sure he is loyal n All.....just he lost interest in me n taking for granted...no matter how well I dress up to impress no use..
    Really I m developing such severe hatred and jealousy towards those people whom he is so attached to..I m thinking Badly of them and wish for bad things to happen to them..
    Many times I'm rewinding back thinking of pre marriage days And wonder if things could have happened differently and what if I had not met him.what if I had studied further and excelled in my field..I was a good student but didn't do post grad while my friends are doing PhD and highly successful etc.. Etc..sometimes I can't help comparing myself with my friends who are earning real well and enjoying with their husbands in foreign countries far away from on laws..
    I have Always been a calm And sensible person now I'm becoming like TV serial vamp!!! :(

    Just a vent..kindly do not judge me..anything I can do to feel better?
    PS responses will be delayed a bit as I'm having guests at home and intermittent internet connection.
     
    Loading...

  2. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    135
    Likes Received:
    220
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello,
    Vent it all out dear. After all we all are.here on this virtual platform to vent out our frustration and our issues when we have nobody to hear it out or even if we have, we are not able to share it.
    MY advice is simple which I will write in points to make it easier-

    1) stop depending on dh emotionally. Care of yourself first. If you are unwell don't do chores. Take rest and order in food.

    2) stop demanding attention or appreciation. I know we all crave for it but when we don't get it, better to lower our expectations than be disappointed.

    3) never compare your life behind closed doors with that of posted happy couple pics on social medias.
    Simple logic - nobody posts their private issues as photos or record it and post on social medias right? They all post only good ones to get likes and comments.
    You never know what issues they are dealing behind the doors.

    4) learn to love yourself the way you expect your spouse to love you. If you want appreciation- appreciate yourself. If you need rest - go for a nice massage or spa or else pamper yourself at home.

    5) about bedroom intimacy, you need to know the root cause of him sleeping separate. Is it after having kids? Do the kids sleep with you?

    Address the bedroom issues - make ur kids sleep in separate rooms if they are older than 5yrs.

    6) dress up for yourself. Gain your confidence in yourself. Don't bother if he looks at you or not.
    Ignore royally.

    Sometimes when you pay too much attention, they take you for granted. So behave as if you are happy and you don't crave his attention anymore or you don't need to depend on him emotionally anymore.

    He will definitely realise the change slowly.
     
    SCA, yesican, Patientone and 8 others like this.
  3. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    656
    Likes Received:
    1,115
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female

    My situation is very much similar to yours. To add on I have other in-laws too living with us and mil only with me.
    I daily sleep between 1 to 2 at night and wake up at 6. Feel tired all the time. Sleep during day time when I am just not able to handle and fall asleep without any efforts. Still he don't bother about me and keep giving instructions no matter how tired I am.

    I too feel like you many times. But the only thing that is required is everyone is happy and we too want to be. So just be happy. No need to look towards anyone. Few things that I do are here.

    I take my kids go out and enjoy alone. He never have time to come with us.

    I start the music and dance with kids.

    I call some of my friends if i need someone to talk to or I start spending more time here in IL. this is the biggest stress reliever.

    I keep myself busy with one task or the other and keep trying to achieve perfection in those tasks.

    I think that if I said someone whats going on in my mind then no one will understand my inner feelings rather everyone will start blaming me. So I try not to share those things.

    By thinking negative about others we ourselves are changing our personality

    Rest see what others have to see on this. I too need more suggestions about this.
     
    Thyagarajan and Needtobestrong like this.
  4. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    997
    Likes Received:
    2,577
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    One thing I have learnt over the years is that when living with in-laws , one must learn to take care of themselves. Catch up on your sleep , take care of your health. You might be judged but everyone else will manage. Women need to stop being sacrificing Nirupa Roy’s.

    I have been in situations where I have felt that I was taken for granted and I had to put my foot down. Luckily I also found hobbies and interests that kept me happy. My happiness comes first. If I am not a happy mother, I cannot raise happy children.

    If one cannot exit a unhappy marriage and has tried to communicate with spouse unsuccessfully , one must accept the situation for what it is. Marriage is a total “ luck by chance “ situation. A spouse cannot change beyond a point. So it is best to find peace with the situation and derive happiness within oneself.

    People in unhappy marriages are better off deleting their social media accounts. Seeing friends romance in Switzerland, when one is barely communicating with spouse , will turn any normal human being into a TV serial vamp.

    Dress up well, only for yourself.

    @messedup you need to sleep better. You seem to have taken on too much. Assuming you shoulder all the household responsibilities, you should set the rules . You don’t have to follow all the instructions.
     
    SCA, Thyagarajan, lavani and 7 others like this.
  5. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    656
    Likes Received:
    1,115
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    You are right and I tried a lot for this but my h has the habit of sleeping late that he cannot change even after so many sufferings we had due to this. And I too can't always sleep early due to one reason or the other. He sleeps even more late than me. Don't know when all this will change. This is affecting my life badly but not able to do much about it.
     
    Thyagarajan and SinghManisha like this.
  6. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,240
    Likes Received:
    2,588
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    OP,

    I can visualize very well what you have been going through. You are a good wife. But your dh is taking you for granted. He is a typical indian husband, and forcing you to the suffering of typical wife in joint family setup. Believe me you are not alone, I have heard similar stories many times. So I think its typical Indian male mentality to treat their wife this way. This is what they learn from their family and society. Is it an acceptable behavior ? NO.

    We know that many women need verbally confirmation, verbal communication, pampering.....to emotionally connect with husband. But if we are not getting that what we have to do?

    You are building all the negativity inside you , that eventually will spoil your life. Your health will be affected. So better take steps to be positive. @PurpleRoses has laid out a plan for that. It's a good first step follow that. If you are interested , find a job . That will help you to divert more and have a life of your own.

    Most important point- you can control you and your response not others, accept it. Then ask yourself what you can do to make your life better.

    The biggest mistake many women do- allow their husband to sleep in another room. It lead to parallel lives and roommate like situation and create more distance between the couple. Generally men dont feel connected if their sexual needs are not addressed by wife. Both need to understand and satisfy each other. But try to give and see how its going..

    Have you ever asked your husband whether he is happy with you? Are his needs satisfied? His version may be different. Just replace the word husband with wife in your post here. I am sure he might be feeling similarly too- like you dont have time for him. I guess there is not any intimacy too. Let me tell you, it's not your fault situation is like that. Why dont you take first step to fix it. He is your dh.

    Are you in talking terms? Lower your expectations. Every night, take bath, smell fresh , hug him tight and sleep with him. Touch and hug alone can create some happiness hormone. Make it a routine. If you have kids, take them to bed early. Once they start sleeping, move to his room. Dont allow him to have a batchelor life. It may be tough,but doable. It can lead to something or nothing, but sleep on the same bed. If he resists, tell him, wife is supposed to sleep with husband.

    Find ways to make yourself happy. Improve your self esteem and confidence. Focus on your health. Build a life other than married life. Take baby steps.

    Never ever compare your life with others. No one is perfect. Every one have their set of issues. People share their happy faces on Facebook even when they are crying inside. Be happy for others. Your current life is a consequence of your own decisions, actions and environment. Accept it and try to improve it in your own way.
     
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2019
    SCA, lavani, Thyagarajan and 6 others like this.
  7. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    760
    Likes Received:
    908
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks ladies for replies..
    ya this social networking stuff really gets on my nerves..so these days im trying not to access much..as i know my weakness of feeking bad when i see pics of other couples known to me..
    i was perfectly happy managing myself, i.e home, toddler, chores, etc on my own..used to read books, watch movies, etc during free time...even when he was delayed in reaching home i would stay up till late watching TV but now i cant as i have to get up early the next day...even if i want to have a late night and sleep in all others are early risers and there is so much noise at home..
    when in laws and guests are here it really cuts into my me-time and makes me irritated...i was ok with getting very less time with my hubby earlier i thought it was ok..but now when in laws are here he is just so attached and caring with them and he keeps inviting relatives home on weekends and bonding with them...its increasing my irritation when i see how he gives time to everyone except me..
    and i tried wearing fancy lingerie, showering, dressing up, etc but after these many years it really doesnt have much of an effect..at the end of the day he is too tired and if in good mood end the days with a hug or holding hands thats all...weekends or holidays i want to spend time with him but that time he spends in taking inlaws out, or attending to him or entertaining guests..all the chores, food preparation for so many people , people coming and going etc is so repetitive..i feel so bad..im not able to relax neither am i able to enjoy with him...my inlaws are also not proper they make him to go for errands on weekends cutting into his free time as well..
    i have to take care of toddler myself so i cannot just go out somewhere for a few hours for mall or cinema theatre or shopping etc alone..maybe once but not often ..im very much understanding of his busy schedule and i know that i cannot expect honeymoon kind of romance like newly married days but im really feeling so bad when im being sidelined and others are given so much priority and affection...this along with in laws dramas drains my energy..really ive been feeling low from past few days..if i tell him to spend time with me or ask him why he is taking me for granted it becomes big arguement :(
     
  8. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    135
    Likes Received:
    220
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    @Needtobestrong I'm only 3.5yrs married. No kids yet. My husband n I didn't even have typical honeymoon phase romance either from day1.
    I stay with worst inlaws that I wont even wish for my enemies to have!.
    Inlaws dominate everything at home. I stopped caring a dime!

    I sleep when I want to. I wake up when I want to.
    I help in kitchen with minimal that I want to.
    Dh will run like a puppy as soon as his parents call him.
    I tried it all initially...to be perfect dil....to follow her cooking her way of doing pujas, learn wat they like n dislike n et all.... But u knw wat? So much worse things they have done to me that now I don't care if they live or die.

    Anyhoo, point is not to divert your thread but just wanted to share my issue to make you understand that you need to pick your battles lady.

    Stop asking your husband of things that you know will provoke him or end up in argument

    Ignore ignore ignore.

    Love yourself and love your kid. Work on yourself first.

    Let the others go to Goddamn Hell!

    Shut the door and sleep if noise bothers you.
    Or use ear plugs and eyemask and sleep like a sleeping beauty!

    Nobody will care for you or respect you unless ypu care and respect yourself. 1st work on yourself.
     
  9. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,240
    Likes Received:
    2,588
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    What do you mean by spending time. Everyone will be tired by the end of the day. We need to take efforts to find time. I dont like if some one say they dont have time. Everyone has only 24h per day. Its about priorities. You and your life should be your first priority.

    "if i tell him to spend time with me or ask him why he is taking me for granted it becomes big arguement"

    Most men consider these questions as nagging. Its annoying for them. They believe in action. Not in talk. So start action, go and spend time with him. I am not talking about any fancy things,but its important to sleep in the same bed.

    Remember one thing- you should be your first priority. No one is going to remember your sacrifice and given an award or appreciate it. When you are available to them all the time , they dont value much. Never overdo anything for anyone.

    So spend your life the way you want to be . Schedule your life the way you want to.. On weekends, let him do whatever he wants, You get out of the house with kid and enjoy. Atleast go for a walk. Follow your schedule instead of finding openings in others schedule. Be smart dear OP. I am not asking you not to do duties or fulfill responsibilities, instead reminding you to focus on your well being also.

    If you are so tired hire a help.
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2019
  10. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    494
    Likes Received:
    1,082
    Trophy Points:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    Ladies,

    You dint sign up for unpaid slave labour when you got married ,did you. Please for the love of all thats holy, if you are being treated like one , dont give up and say what else can I do.. For starters , please realize that men and women are equal in every way, your needs are not a second priority .

    @Needtobestrong , yours is a case of being taken for granted royally. Can you not go to your parents place or a siblings place , stay there for atleast two months , in which you can take a one week vacation by yourself or with friends/family minus husband.. And seriously dont understand why you can't use domestic help when you clearly seem overburdened. Squeaky wheel gets the grease, if you want things in your life to change , it needs to start with you first . And those ladies you envy for having nice vacations with their husbands, the only difference between them and you is they would never put up with all the crap you put up...

    Are you expecting some award from your inlaws or husband for being this saint? seriously , why would you wash dirty dishes when you are sick , when your healthy husband is right there ...
     

Share This Page