Feeling Melancholy And Thinking Of Past Always..

Yes I do believe that there is a way out in almost all cases. I read in the above comments that we should consider the following things. “One has to be always about who is passionate about the career, who has themost potential to grow, and whose career can support the family etc before making decisions.”

In my friends case both are passionate, her husband has more potential or almost equal potential compared to my friend. My friends earning power is less compared to husband. Her husband according to her never helped while she worked. They had a cook and a cleaner but she had to do everything else.

So when the kid came along, husband nicely asked her to stay at home longer. Is it right of her to ask her husband to step down or to slow down in his career for a while? So that she concentrate little less on the kid and get back to work. I am viewing all this from a friend’s angle and I feel her husband is selfish. If he hadn’t accepted the promotion, she could have started working now.

In our field working from home, later hours is not possible. Less flexibility we have, as we have projects that has to be completed every week and if one day you take off there will be no one to replace . We work in small groups.

 

1. 
   Our field has less fexiblity. We can’t take leaves without informing few days in advance as one person manages an area of the whole project. If it become a few times , it will create negative impact.

 

Problem is not her career, but her husband. She should make him understand that he needs to provide more to the family in terms of help, care and support other than money.

No need to step down from a promotion. No one would be able to do it happily.
But he could step down from his position as "man of the family" and the "male ego" that prohibits him from helping his woman.
No matter what, he can find a way to help her in whatever the possible manner.
Or arrange someone on-behalf of him to help the family.
What matters is, that he needs to bear some of the home responsibilities too.

When my H had a travelling job, he would arrange a reliable driver to pick up and drop kids, with a woman (often driver's wife) to travel with.
He would arrange someone for the grocery or make on-line shopping till delivery.
He would take care of the bills,
And more importantly utilize his leaves just to stay at home and look after kids, so that I could catch up on my work after a long leave (for sick kid or husband's travel etc).
The couple needs to think and act together to make it a win-win arrangement for both.

I remember, having no leave days for both to enjoy a vacation for 2-3 years at a stretch as we had eaten up our annual, sick and home leaves only to cover up nanny's absence throughout.
But now, things have changed... and we do enjoy a lot

If so, time to change to a diff career.
Not entirely diff, but in diff field where flexibility is there.
A pay cut or lower position at this stage is inevitable, as you earn more credit at the family front. But what important is to have a career.

 

@Needtobestrong

I understand your pain. But, the issue here is, that you can't have the cake and eat it too.

A working woman has a full time professional job, which means she is having to get up early in the morning to commute in this traffics to reach out to the office where so many stressful work commitments and criticism to follow etc..etc... and sometimes, having to lose proper breakfast or lunch, the time with family, the mental agony of not being able to care for the sick kid, and finally the exhausted travel back home. But it doesn't stop there. A working woman is expected to cook, care and act like a wife/mom almost all the possible ways at home too This often make her sacrifice her sleep time, her "me-time", her "motherhood" and what not.
But in return she gets whatever the social status, respect, identity, power with a colorful pay ch.
Many women feel, the troubles above worth the blessings as mentioned here.
But some women chose their convenience (physical and mental), and decide to stay at home to be a home-maker, which is fine.
However, expecting the same identity, respect, social status etc..etc.. that of a working woman is not practical.

A working woman can not give an excuse like "sick kid, or messy home" for not performing her tasks at duty. Likewise, a home-maker has her duty designated to her at home front, and such simple excuses won't work.

Both working women and home-maker can have their own excuses, but that comes with a set-back.

My mom was an excellent home-maker, and she has her identity and respect based on what she could offer to the family being as an excellent back born/home maker to her family.
Her confidence and identity or even social status is no less of a working women.

But I've seen many home makers today (even my mom's time) those did not excel in their job as a home maker perfectly, yet had issues, complaints and set-backs. Result is that they were not respected for the role they played at home.

For ex... I cant be a perfect home-maker like my mom or MIL. I need a maid, a day care center at least 1/2 a day, and a gardener once in a while, and interior décor at least yearly, a tailor every now and then in addition to eating out and depending on store brought sweets and snacks on festivals.
I can not be making friends with my neighborhood that easily to depend on them to emergency.
I can not be hosting guests often, and cleaning after the mess they create no matter how much positivity the guests could bring to the relationship.
Therefore, I understood that I don't belong to be a perfect home maker. And if I chose to be so, I will not be doing anything extra that of a working woman (in me) to get appreciations.
But I could excel well at work front with all my heart. And my absence at home front could be to some extend filled with external help.
So, I chose to work.

 

@Needtobestrong
The core problem is not you being a SAHM or working woman.
It is your H's and in laws' attitude towards you. It is all about how you present yourself before them, and how they respect you for who you are.

In certain cases, having a career helps women to have the sense of freedom, and power.
That helps them to focus in life regardless of criticism and family politics.

For ex. My PILs have always criticized me about my cooking, my way of parenting and what not
They have forced me to keep guests at an extended period at my home etc..etc...
When I said no, obviously there were criticism.
My H was mostly a silent spectator, who fell into their trap more often than not.

But my career and my social status gave me the power to ignore their comments. I was like, who these fellows are to judge me and my capacity when so many people out side of my home appreciates me as an individual for who I am.
My careless attitude towards their complaints made them back off
And that eventually made my H to see what am I?

Every women is put under such criticism in some or the other way.
In fact, my mom had to face similar criticism for being a home maker too.
But she was confident what she is doing, and excelled in what she was doing than an average home-maker. This confidence gave her the power to ignore other's criticism, and that's what attracted my dad towards her.
I follow the same, though our paths are different