Feeling Melancholy And Thinking Of Past Always..

Hi, I know this post was meant for someone else but thanks for writing coz I am going thru the same phase..I am in my mind 30's...had to give up on great career opportunities outside India coz I wanted a kid and back then I wanted to be s supportive wife and let my husband concentrate on his job while I took care of the kid. Going through the same problems...no clear vision, no fun ..just the usual day to day work...........but as you said it is so imp.to be a little selfish..think of one self....Pamper yourself ...and go out for some time.....I sooo need to do it.

 

Dear, I am glad that you liked my post.

Remember, it is not about being selfish. It is about living your life.
We, human being are not selfless creatures, and no one appreciates our selfless love or care unless there is a valid need for it.
For instance, if your spouse is feeling low, or kid is sick, then obviously as a wife/mom, you are expected to act selfless in the name of caring for them. They will surely appreciate your care and time and sacrifices then.
But think about it...
Your spouse is going through a down time in his career; hence financially. The kid desperately needs money to get enrolled to some courses.
1) A as wife/mom continues to care for them sacrificing your own happiness, but feeling helpless for their situation
2) B as wife/mom takes up a career, earn to support family and on the go enjoy being active in social media, watch movies, and have fun with friends while delegating some of your house hold duties to a willing extended family member (mom/MIL) or a paid nanny/maid.
This way, your H feels less stress, can patiently focus on his next career. Your kid is overwhelmed with happiness and both learn to stay independent without overtly depending on wife/mom.

Think about it.... which wife/mom will be appreciated by the family?
Which wife/mom's sacrifice will be valued?

Unlike our parents' time, the above scenario is very much practical. So, being practical is most appropriate here

 

@SGBV
Yes thats practical and better . I would like to ask you about another scenario. In this case husband and wife both used to work and when they had a baby wife takes leave for a year. While the wife was on leave, husband got promoted and his responsibilities increased. He is paid more and has better future opportunities now. Only downside is he has to travel frequently and has added reponsiblities now.

So now the wife wants to get back to work. Kid is 1 year old , MIL or mother both are unable to come abroad to look after the kid. Only option is trusting the kid with a baby sitter. While the mother works and father is away for days. Mother won’t be able to take leave always when the kid is sick . Father can’t pitch in as he is either away or busy with work. Husband asks the mother to leave her job. Is it fair? Breaks in career will impacts future career prospects of mother.


In such a case do you advice the husband to reduce his work load( like moving down position wise) or the mother to extend her leave?

 

My answer is very straight forward.
If the mother is OK to leave the job, and if she is not much career oriented, and if she is assured that all her financial needs will be met by her husband for her sacrifice.. etc..etc... the mother can take a back seat and chose to stay at home.
But if the mother is equally career oriented, and worked so hard to get in to this career, it is unfair to ask her to quit it and stay at home.
The kid won't be young all the time. Perhaps the mother or father may chose to quit depending on their profile for few years till the kid goes to play school if there is no reliable support system.
In the mean time, the stay at home spouse can enroll to courses/distant learning to keep her/himself updated, so within 2-3 years he/she could join the work force.
If both spouses are in the same field, the working spouse can help the other to join the work force without major hassle .

Definitely break in career will impact the future career prospects, but it can be adjusted down the line.
Eg- Late promotions etc
And it is worth the satisfaction of giving the child the needful care and protection when it is important.

However, career break doesn't mean loss of future. And career break doesn't mean staying at home till the kid turn 18 unless the kid is differently abled.
Everyone has to run their own race, and end it at their own speed. What matter is, that we run the race, instead of quitting half way through.
For those who don't want to run, or for those who have other interests in life, it doesn't matter as long as they are happy with whatever the choices they make. But no one should feel like they sacrifice their life for anything.

 

okay , this case is of my friend's. They are not in the same field. He can financially support her. He is in a good position but her future worries her . Won't she be joining in a junior position again if she takes leave for two or more years as she has worked only for two years before having a kid . Won't lack of work experience affect once rejoins after a break of three years. It would be like she is starting her career again along with much younger colleagues. She is some where in the middle according to me. While in college she used to say always that she wanted to do very well in career. She worked two years after her masters and then had her son. She tells me that money is not the thing, when I and others talk about work she feels unaccomplished. She says even if her husband after a few years would earn in billions she would feel worthless , without working in our field. i advised her to do some part time job but she wants to work in our own field.

I like your response. One of my aunts was forced to stay home and regrets it day and night. Reason given by uncle is salary she got was less than how much he had to pay for a babysitter plus maid.(He was always at work, high tension job). So now the kids have grown up and uncle is still working . Aunt is still unhappy about her career. If she had worked, she would have been happier now , but financially it wouldn't have been possible. In cases like this , I think nothing could have been done ?

 

After reading all the comments above..I still feel that girls have to make a lot of sacrifices in the name of duty..I had to quit my job coz my husband's company was sending him abroad and even though I had the same opportunity to travel abroad (to a diff.compay)my husband said that it makes more sense to go with through his company coz if he leaves his job and joins me..he wasn't sure if he will get good opportunities later. I had to really struggle hard to look for a job in different country and then we had a baby so I had to leave my job again coz husband was travelling 80 per cent of the time.MIl said she can't take care of the kid. My mom had to leave everything and come to US to be with us. But she could not stay for long..again somebody had to be there so it was me. It was ok for sometime. Now husband only gives money enough to take care of the monthly groceries.i don't get money at all for my expenses. He sends money to India to his parents, every time I ask him for money...he says that he is not left with any.he is saving money as FD's in his name. He has become very arrogant off late ...the kid's responsibility is completely mine...he is not interested in anything related to the house...i have to take a lead in all the festival's and he is just not interested.everytime I tell him to go out..he says he is tired..I haven't gone to a good restaurant since so long ....he avoids places where he has to spend money....his relatives taunt me that girls that are stay at home moms and still their kids are not well mannered are a liability on husband's...my son is well mannered ..it's just that he throws tantrums when he is eating....I am sorry..I am venting on somebody else's thread but the problem is more or less the same

 

Career is not all about money. It is much more than that. It is another part of life.
Just like marriage is not all about sex.

When everyone gets a life out of their home, it could make your friend feel empty to have only 4 walls for her to call it life.

The purpose of having a career is to feel the sense of achievement, success, and identity. Plus, it gives you the blessings of companions, and people away from family. It gives you confidence, opportunity to learn and manage.
Such things could never be replaced with money.

Reason is mentioned above

I don't think so. If there is a will, there is a way. It applies to all

 

Why do you think so?
It is because you were raised to believe so, or your H is not broad-minded to let you think otherwise?
There should be a valid reason to think this way.

Not all the girls make painful sacrifices against their will, only to end up living empty life long.
Some girls are made to do so, and some girls do this without thinking much.

My mom and my SIL are the typical women who like to stay at home, and make peace with their daily TV serials, nap at noon, and relaxed life style.
They have so much hobbies like sawing, reading magazines, cooking varieties, visiting neighbors, going to churches etc to keep them busy.
They don't feel like sacrificing anything, as it was their much preferred choice.

But women like me can never stay at home for long. I knew that already, so I made my point clear when I had to make a choice.
Though it troubled me a lot back then, I am happy that phase is now gone. I enjoy my career and the decision I made back then.

There are many men, who slowed down their career or quitted it or changed it as per their wife's career based on practical reasons. It has to be always about who is passionate about the career, who has the most potential to grow, and whose career can support the family etc before making decisions.
Obviously, it is important that a woman has a role to play as mother at the growing age of their kids. But that doesn't always mean losing their ambitions and sacrificing their promising careers for ever.

In our culture, people make such important decision based on ego, male chauvinism, and society.
Its like, if you are a woman, your responsibility is to stay at home. If you are a man your responsibility is to provide. No matter what, no matter who could nurture the family better, or who could climb the career ladder faster.
We base everything on gender stereotypes, which is sad

 

@SGBV , very encouraging replies. I am sure @Needtobestrong and others benefit a lot from it

If your friend is a career oriented women,staying home will not make her happy. Its not about money. Its about one's choice and preference of having an identity of their own. Being a working woman with two small kids, I think it is possible to manage her life, career and kid. There are so many day cares in USA. She needs to explore ways to how to manage when her kid is sick. Can she work from home or work on another time, is flexible hours are possible, like she can work for extra hours later to cover up her leave. Be realistic and select the best option that work for her career. She should give preference to her happiness too. It is not going to be easy, but doable. If there is a will there is a way.

 

This is a lot like my friends life. Even she had to step back for her husband’s career and her MIL thinks that she is just relaxing and her son is working too hard.