Feeling exhausted

priyanka12345 · Feb 20, 2014

Yesterday was one disaster day. we are moving to pune in one month's time .

Yesterday i went home after work and when I wanted my son to sit on potty, he was crying to go out.
To which my MIL mentioned he has done potty today.I replied back but atleast he needs to do Susu and hence am asking him to sit.
We were at distance and son was crying so I had talked loud.

She filled my DH ears when he came that I talked rudely with them etc. My DH started asking me and I explained that it was just that I spoke loud as from distance.He started questioning a lot about is crying etc and I also shouted back. He hit me on face to which I said I will do police complaint etc.
I mentioned DS is crying and such atmosphere is not good. Dont shout. HE took it as if his parents are making that and asked me to leave home.I said that I wont leave unless I get place to stay.

Then he called my parents and asked them to take me. My uncle aunt came along with brother and ILS complained a lot about me. although my uncle supported me in most of the things :
1) I do not respect ILs and talk rudely to them
2) I keep the cooker in proper place but they need it often so its problem for them. as per me they need it only once and cooker should be at porper place right?
3) I did not user proper unused napkin for cleaning gods while doing puja. I had mentioned them I used new one
4) I did not put 2 wati in diwali lamps. Yes had put one but once they mentioned there is no day I put 1. I alsways put 2 .
5) I had kept FILs glass on kithcne platform from dining table. He felt so offended that I insulted him. What insult I could do?
6) I once went dancing to my room. My MIL says she is not sure what I had to hint her. If I dance and go whats the problem?
7) I am going down after coming from office from 6.30 to 8.45 with my DS. WE play in ground, have friends, go to mall etc. Whats the problem in this if there is no work at home?
8)It irks my MIL that I enjoy with my friends in evening and she is at home all alone. I am sure if I am at home that time she wont talk to me.Is this my problem to be with my friend?
9) Because of me my divourced SIL left to her home. It was me and DH who asked her to stay back and we were going for rented house. But they keep blaming me.
10) MY MIL said that I should Die or leave this home .
11) the fridge bottle was kept empty by me. The reason was no one uses this bottle and hence I kept it empty at its place. Whats the problem with that?
12) If I talk they will complain I do it rudely . and If I dont then again complaints. My ILs will ge together to prove that I can talk rudely.
13) I kept some sugar packets in storage up abd it fell down at night. I cleaned it to which my FIL responded why do when you dont know how to etc.? whats the hurry .. To which I replied., that it has happened first time and its not big deal. To which my FIL said I did say rudely and created a scene.
14) I am not doing any work at home. I prepare bfast for my son , his tiffin box, husbands coffee, in evening sons snacks and milk etc. MIl cooks one vegetable which is there in mroning and night. We have bai for chapathi. If I clean dinning table , they say I am showing attitude for that table .Then they complain I dont clean other things.
15) I may have mentioned to son.. taht you dont have room .. does that mean I am eyeing on Sil's room who is not staying with us anymore but comes sometimes.
16) My DH supports me at
times but then he is sandwiched between us. My MIL will start her emotianal talks and make my husband cry for it.

I am just living in this house for my son. Else I would have left my husband long before. I dont understand how to stay in that house where my any communication is taken wrongly , If I dance I am doing to show something etc.I really am fed up to live like this.
If I talk problemm if not problem.

Now my husband is saying he will go alone to pune and not take me. I can do what I want about my transfer which is approved. My parents / uncle aunt are reallt tensed with all this.
Can you please guide me ?

coolgal123 · Feb 20, 2014

16) My DH supports me at
times but then he is sandwiched bet
ween us. My MIL will start her emotianal talks and make my husband cry for it.

how can you say that your husband supports you while he hits you and not ready to take you with him to pune....he is saying you to leave the house and you are still thinking that your MIL is making him to do so...
even if your MIL is making him to do so your husband is at fault first....he is not a kid anymore who will do whatever his mom will say...even kids dont do everything said by their parents...I am sorry but you need to sort out with your husband first....then with your in laws...

JustMyself · Feb 21, 2014

Priyanka,

The underlying problem seems to be that ILs are upset that your SIL is divorced and unable to digest the fact that you are happy and gay. That is the only reason, and it is getting reflected in their actions & behaviors. Everything above are too trivial to even address individually.

You should have made sure your SIL stays with your in-laws, and move out earlier, when you had the chance. You should have convinced your DH saying your SIL would need moral support.

Atleast now, when your DH is getting transferred, suggest that SIL's family move-in with in-laws, and you should go to Pune with your DH.

Try and understand that your ILs are feeling sorry for their daughter, when you show every happiness around. They are just taking out their anger, frustration and jealousy on you. I believe your DH understands, but unable to word it to you, and ends up screaming at you just to calm your in-laws (which is sad )

Your in-laws would never come out of this phase (EVER !!!!), unless she remarries (is that possible ?). It is better to make them live with SILs family, as it would be good for all party involved.

Once you are clear on this aspect, try and convince your DH calmly. Let by-gones be bygones. Try and talk to your DH without quoting any individual incident. Tell him that you understand the reason for his screamings, and tell him this as a solution to SIL & ILs. If you project this as a solution for your happiness, this will go down the drain. Projection/ presentation of this solution is very important.

yellowmango · Feb 21, 2014

Do you want to stay with a man who will hit you and ask you to leave over petty complaints from his parents?

Will your parents support you if you move out ....at least temporarily?

thegirlygirl · Feb 21, 2014

Dear Priyanka,

From your post, I feel you are a maharashtrian.

Anyway, I feel your husband is a little immature and irrational to tell you he won't take you along with him to Pune. Tell him you will go anyway, and live there on your own, if he doesn't wish to have you with him.
You too are a professional and can't take transfers every other day.

I feel your relationship with your husband is very strained and it has alot to do with your in laws.

You have a golden opportunity ahead of you, be nice to him for the time being, and listen to him as much as possible, so that you can accompany him to Pune without any more problems.

Once you start your new life in Pune, try to rekindle your romance. Try to get closer to him, do something he likes, give him a hug everyday, just anything you like.
Even if he is annoyed at you for something, don't react, just try calming him down.

Don't talk anything bad about your in laws, since you will be away, it will be easier.
Just don't discuss much about them, not good not bad.
I feel your in laws rule over your life, and it is inturn affecting your relation with your hubby.

priyanka12345 · Feb 21, 2014

Hi All, Thanks for your replies.

Yes I am also just thinking about moving to pune.And about SIL staying with inlaws, we alyways wanted that. Actually from last may 2013, we were looking to but a property and move out.( even though this is our home where we stay) . Then since it was not possible to buy a flat in mumbai , we decided to go for rented flat. We were almost about to finalize when my SIL's flat became ready and she wanted to shift alone.
My husband informed her that she can stay in our house as we are moving to rented flat. But she was adamant that she wants to go to her new flat. Then still my husband wanted to go on rented flat. that is when I told him that lets stay here and try to resolve issues with in laws because they will be else left alone.
that was my biggest mistake.
So we were thjinking of SIL staying with in laws only but she herself moved out.Now although mu Ils and husband blame me that SIL moved because of me. this is not at all true.

I agree my DH is to be blamed. Even though he is sandwiched , he cannot blame me for everything in this world. He supports me in someincidences but later he feels guilty because of his parents and shouts at me . He apologized for hitting me etc.But I dont trust him anymore. My parents are always ready to support me for all the years .
this is not the first time he is reaacting wierd when it comes to in laws. He has always done so and does not understand how it feels for me.

They all think my life is going best with my son and they are suffering. How can this be the case ? I know my Ils dont want to see me happy as their daughters are not happy.( one divorced and one without child) .But my husband fails to understand this.Now that we are moving to pune, they know we will be happy their together and they cant see this.. This is my perception. dont know how much true it is

I just want to have my son and husband together for better development of my son.
Hence am suffering all these accusations.

Today also in morning my MIL purposefully created scenes about me not giving my son to FIL. I took him to balcony as he wanted to. He asked FIL to come in balcony. he did not and sto son was crying., I asked my son if he wantst o go inside and sit beside FIL , but he kept crying, My MIL created a scene that I am not letting my son be with FIL. Common .. he is staying with FIL when am at work and why will I do that. My Husband said I am quite capable of doing this and I was shattered. I dont feel like living with him now . but for my son.

guesshoo · Feb 21, 2014

You need to give your husband a jolt. He seems to think he can say and do anything; you will stay with him regardless. Sorry dear, but it isn't healthy for your son to grow up on such an environment. Your crying or getting anyone else involved doesn't work and you come across as a weak person. Face him calmly and head on. No need to be rude or passive-aggressive. Be polite, direct and firm. You need to calmly convey that you are capable of leaving him, and would prefer for your child to have a healthy environment than a disrespectful father. Your husband seems to think he can spout his nonsense for his parents' sake and apologise to you on private. Tell him calmly that is not acceptable and that you want to go for marital counselling if he cares to give his child a healthy environment.

Your body language and facial expression can convey tons. When they are being unfair, stand straight, look people straight in the eye, raise eyebrows and widen eyes slightly, with the rest of your face being neutral. Make sure your voice is dangerously low when you speak. With irrational accusations like this, or interference don't even reply to the nonsense your ILs are spouting. All you have to say, if anything is, "I'll handle this." Keep doing all the things you do for your son. Ignore everything else.

Tell your husband in private that his parents' treatment of you is appalling and constitutes harassment. He ought to keep quiet or diffuse situations, not be fanning the fire and being unfair. Tell him not to respond but think about it. Tell him he needs to actively work on this marriage and work on understanding you better. If he is t willing to do that, threaten to walk out of the marriage. Actually you seeing a counsellor by yourself might help. Read up also about emotional abuse, physical abuse. You will find how people around the world have tackled issues like this. Tailor things to suit your needs. Most importantly be proud of the fair person you have tried to be, especially with idiots all around. Good luck.

priyanka12345 · Feb 24, 2014

Yes My husband is at fault and I have tried numerous times to explain him his stand affects me. On weekend also my divourced SIL had come home and my MIL asked my husband, SIL , FIL if they want some milkshake. I was in front of them but MIL did not ask me. I felt really insulted.My husband did not say a word there .

my husband was not talking with me but atleast he came with us on sunday and we had fine time

Later it is MIls birthday today and I wished her. She said I dont want to talk etc. I said ok let it be .However I knew this will be her reaction so am ok with it.
I am confused how to go for dinner with them. I am sure my SILs and BIL will not talk with me etc and I will be sidetracked.
not sure if I should just leave my husband and go but my son will then be the one who will be one parent child and suffer.