1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Family Time And Shared Interests

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by BhumiBabe, Aug 9, 2017.

Page 1 of 3
  1. Aug 9, 2017 #1
    BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,025
    Likes Received:
    2,216
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    So, I feel like this will be more of a rant, but I've just become so frustrated.

    I work full-time and I have a small business on the side. I have a young son (2 years old), my in-laws are staying long term at my house, and my husband is traveling for work occasionally. Basically, there's a lot on our plate. I am not neglecting my household chores and responsibilities, and we have had my husband side guests coming for the past few weekends - and I have done my best to keep everyone fed and entertained. But because I am an introvert (which is apparently not a real thing to my husband and in-laws), I do need breaks from people. As in, I like to read books before bed, craft or watch some Netflix to get back on track. I honestly don't mind doing it with everyone around me and in the common living room, but I just don't want to actively converse. None of my interests are shared by my husband, so he doesn't really want me to do any of that. In fact, he feels like I'm ignoring everyone else and doing my own thing, while him and his parents (and my son) are just wasting time in the guest room - not even really talking about anything, much less something I want to participate in. This is something they do daily, while I clean up the kitchen, at the end of the day. To me, the little leisure time I have, shouldn't be wasted on gossip about this family member or somehow being roped into some religious event that I could care less about.

    Now, my husband is saying that I am being strange and not spending time with the family. And he says that if I can't handle the stress of a full-time job, I should quit. (ok, this is something I can ignore - clearly I need my FTE so that I can have money to spend on the things I want). What really bothers me is being accused of not spending time with the family. Am I really not allowed to have a leisure-time during a marriage? Do I have to spend time with the in-laws doing nothing with my hands, and feeling unproductive? I am just wondering if I am even cut out for aspiring more in my life, and trying to be successful in my side business. My husband has cited that all the other woman he knows, cater to their husband and his interests/needs, before doing something else (like watch tv or talk to their parents). Am I the weirdo that is too self-centered and self-absorbed to take care of the people around me? It's hard for me to keep up a friendly face, 24/7, and be available to everyone. It's like my leisure time is going to work everyday. I'm not sure how to make things better.
     
    BhumiBabe, Aug 9, 2017
    BhumiBabe, Aug 9, 2017
    #1
    Loading...

    Similar Threads
    1. SujataMohanty

      Shared Accomodation in Melbourne with Indian Family

      SujataMohanty, Jul 21, 2014, in forum: Indians in Australia & NZ
      Replies:
      2
      Views:
      1,397
      SujataMohanty
      May 8, 2015
    2. coolcool

      something cannot be shared with someone in the family

      coolcool, Jun 21, 2007, in forum: Married Life
      Replies:
      12
      Views:
      4,761
      diana
      Jul 1, 2007
    3. gamma50g

      Do Women Exist Only For Their Family And Kids

      gamma50g, Mar 17, 2024, in forum: General Discussions
      Replies:
      19
      Views:
      2,168
      kaluputti
      Mar 23, 2024
  2. Aug 9, 2017 #2
    Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,937
    Likes Received:
    1,469
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    I exactly knew what you are talking about it and don't' take too personally the men blame game.
    Understand the blame game and you need to play your cards right.You spent your time before jumping into the kitchen then prolongate chores until your husband steps in.Don't make things ready for everyone then they don't know a value of what you are doing and husband start playing the blame game.
    you need to play your cards right.Just think as a card game and try to move cards right.
    It will take time to get your comfort zone for these issues, right now you are not there and don't take anything personally and don't try to work it out so hard.
    don't worry to make things better when the people have complaint mind they will complain no matter what you do.
    the only thing you need to learn to talk smart and doing things smart.One day just say we all go out for dinner then he knows how much he needs to pay from the pocket.

    when people start accusing us , we loose logical thinking and start to hurt.First stop hurting to your husband words and start thinking you should able to reply him in the more funny way or find alternative arrangements or handle the situation in a better way which gives you more peace.
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2017
    Priya16, Aug 9, 2017
    Priya16, Aug 9, 2017
    #2
    Anisu, Rihana, BhumiBabe and 1 other person like this.
  3. Aug 9, 2017 #3
    sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,560
    Likes Received:
    1,697
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    True.
     
    sindmani, Aug 9, 2017
    sindmani, Aug 9, 2017
    #3
    Rihana likes this.
  4. Aug 9, 2017 #4
    Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    497
    Likes Received:
    1,107
    Trophy Points:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    gosh , you are really married to someone who is from a completely different planet from yours... I really don't know how day in and day out you can live with such constant judgement of your natural behavior and characteristics . I can't advise you anything else than one philosophy I staunchly follow in my life , " better to be hated for who you are rather than be liked for who you are not" ..
     
    Shreema86, Aug 9, 2017
    Shreema86, Aug 9, 2017
    #4
    satchitananda, sindmani, Rihana and 2 others like this.
  5. Aug 9, 2017 #5
    BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,025
    Likes Received:
    2,216
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    I like that philosophy too. It feels a bit high brow and idealistic, but it really sums up what I generally feel. I am often criticized that I don't know how to talk differently with each person, and say the right things to make people do what I want them to do (what??). I don't know how to change myself and personality, for however short time, just to make people who LIVE inside my house feel comfortable. :BangHead:
    At the end, I just feel guilty that I am being so anti-social, but not really having enough energy to be any other way.

    @Priya16 - these conversations usually happen in the middle of the night, when I'm trying to go to sleep. It's hard to make it light hearted, but I will try to not get angry.
     
    BhumiBabe, Aug 9, 2017
    BhumiBabe, Aug 9, 2017
    #5
  6. Aug 9, 2017 #6
    Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,937
    Likes Received:
    1,469
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    you can also tell that I would quit on my marriage rather than my work.As long as you don't speak up, your husband can take an easy ride on you.
    actually, you are too nice that's why he is riding on you.I went to my cousin house during my India trip and informed that I would be coming and staying for a short period like one hour.The whole one hour, cousins wife in a bathroom and taking shower and just came out before we leave.So there are people like that.Don't let your husband ride on you.
    being street-smart also is important in Indian marriages.some women would just work when husband in the house otherwise husband can complain like your husband.Husbands don't know how to respect their women if they respect their women they get what they want, which is a hidden secret.
    If you are in deep love with your husband and if you knew he would you like to spend time with guests, you would automatically do by respect without blame game.
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2017
    Priya16, Aug 9, 2017
    Priya16, Aug 9, 2017
    #6
    Dishaa likes this.
  7. Aug 9, 2017 #7
    ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,174
    Likes Received:
    2,465
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I understand the feeling. You do have a lot on your plate and you are running a full fledged home along with in laws too. It's a tough task in itself. On top it, it's not possible to keep smiling 24/7 n entertain everyone. It's exhausting. There is nothing wrong in wanting your time. Most of us do, including me. Your dh's expectation list just seems to go on n on.

    Now to understand the problem, he wants you to sit down and chat every night along with his family (long term living in laws) or the visiting guests ??

    Visiting guests maybe understandable.

    It's not possible to sit n chat 'every' night along with in laws who are living long term, short term visit may be workable.

    You need to come up with a few workable plans..

    Chat on Alternative days - other days he shouldn't interfere.

    Share links of medical studies / knowledgeable articles about introverts and the need to take a break. And that it is a 'real' thing.

    Send them for a walk after dinner.

    Change timing - watch your Netflix, read at a different time. Then finish the work last. That way you can say am cleaning, when they are chatting.

    If he compares you to other women, then compare him to other men, n say that is how you feel when compared and to stop doing that.

    Say it is very important to have your time to function or you will zombie around and can't do chores around the house.

    Work out a schedule or ask to leave you alone jus for one hour or as required per day.

    If you keep giving in, you will end up being miserable and add years of regret n bitterness. Also the demands will never stop but only increase.

    So start with talking nice to reasoning to reacting to fighting till you are able to work out a solution that is acceptable for the both of you.
     
    ashneys, Aug 9, 2017
    ashneys, Aug 9, 2017
    #7
    NeetaR, Dishaa and sindmani like this.
  8. Aug 9, 2017 #8
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Op,you need to let your husband know that he is the exception and you are the rule.
    Seriously,which century is he living in.

    Besides a guy who wants to punch his fil has the gall to ask this wife to entertain his parents !!

    It must be tiring trying to justify everything that you do that he finds offending.
    Just tell him you do not agree with his opinion and don't feel the need to do what he says.Tell him this is one more thing we will have to agree to disagree on.
     
    yellowmango, Aug 9, 2017
    yellowmango, Aug 9, 2017
    #8
    NeetaR likes this.
  9. Aug 9, 2017 #9
    justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,915
    Likes Received:
    7,188
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    No No and No. Ur spouse needs someone to whack him on the head and drill some sense.
     
    justanothergirl, Aug 9, 2017
    justanothergirl, Aug 9, 2017
    #9
    sindmani, Dishaa and Shreema86 like this.
  10. Aug 9, 2017 #10
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,513
    Likes Received:
    30,287
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    You are providing an efficiently running house, he is able to go on work trips while his parents are here. Weekend guests are being fed and entertained. When these things are in place without him having to work for these or having to do something in return for your effortless efforts, his mind starts to think about your me-time. What to do? Don't present an itemized list of all that you are doing, and how you deserve/need the me-time.

    Seems like "introvert" and is it a real thing has been "discussed" among all of you. Done is done. Don't entertain this topic any more and don't bring it up.

    All sitting together in the living room and mostly doing their own thing is beautiful when it happens and happens naturally. This happens more when reasonable people live together rather than long term "guests" and a demanding husband.

    This is the crux of this particular problem. You want some quiet time, and he thinks you should be talking. Approach this in a multi-pronged way:
    - First, stop reasoning with him about your need for quiet time.
    - Second, ignore any comments about you indulging in me-time. If you can ignore his "quit work" comment, you can ignore his comments about your quiet-time.
    - Third - it does look odd if every night you retire earlier than others (no matter how valid your reasons). So, spend some time with them in the living room. How? Here's an idea: start a family video project where you record your child talking with grandparents. Not random interaction, something with a little more structure. Google ideas. There are some creative ideas out there on how to video record old parents and relatives who won't be around forever. Have someone in India scan and upload their family's childhood pictures and record a few videos around those (your husband and his parents seeing one particular scanned picture and reminiscing about it. 20 minutes like this twice a week. Then retire to your room to "edit" the videos. : )

    So they sit in the living room while you are cleaning up the kitchen, and then you are expected to join them? Not nice.

    You can ignore the "you should quit" comment, but better to put an end to it also rather than let it keep coming up and your job be blamed for things. Calmly, without emotion, tell him that many women take a break till child starts going to full-time school, but they are in stabler marriages. Given that you guys are trying to work on yours, you cannot take the risk of quitting work as studies have shown that a woman's standard of living goes down a lot after divorce if she is not working when married. So, shift the blame from your job to your marriage on which you guys are working. Remember to praise the effort you both are putting in, but say that things are not yet at the state where you can risk quitting work. All this calmly, no nagging, no finger-pointing. No clenched fingers either. : )

    Your solution is in your words. You should not let this bother you so much. You should not look for "permission" for leisure time. Just do it. Just take it. Do it a few times with minimal explanation. Don't respond to criticism. Give a brief answer - with a little kid, household tasks, job, and guests, I need the down time.

    : ) Such citing's are very common. You should listen with one ear and out the other. Many years ago, a very close friend of mine, very very close, cited to her husband how in all the couples they know, the man drops and picks up the wife from the mall entrance rather than both walking to/from the long distance between car and mall entrance. She gave one specific example of their closest friends: "Raj always drops Kavita at the macy's entrance". Her husband responded, "Why don't you go shopping with Raj then?" : ) : ) Finally, that afternoon at the mall, he did drop her off at the entrance and later both walked to the car. She found it funny, and they laughed over it for years.

    Digression over. You have to ignore some comments. Just do what you want to do. If that is presented as a hindrance to making the marriage better, repeat the bit about needing quiet time.

    For some things, you have to just do what you want to do and not look for prior permission or post approval.
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2017
    Rihana, Aug 9, 2017
    Rihana, Aug 9, 2017
    #10
    Benitapaul, NeetaR, Dishaa and 4 others like this.
Page 1 of 3

Share This Page