Estranged Sibling - How To Move On

Dear OP
If its his birthday do call and send your heartfelt wishes to him. Even if he doesn't wish you, you could maintain a cordial relationship by not missing any of his special days. If he doesn't speak text/whatsapp him. Do your part so that from your side none can point fingers at you. You will also feel better. I can totally understand what you are going through. Give him his space and be in touch. Some sibling relationships are like this only.

 

Sorry I was of no help

 

1. The problem is chronic spanning years.

2. You don't know how it started, when it started, what caused it, who is responsible. There is a lot of ambiguity surrounding the lack of communication.

3. There are clear signs based on what you have written that he and his family unit are not interested in staying in touch with you and your family unit.

4. It is difficult and complicated to answer questions from your husband and in-laws because you yourself do not have the answer. If your husband can understand, he will not bring it up. If they are decent people they will not use this against you to take advantage.

5. Best is to just lie low and do whatever makes you feel comfortable. Knocking on a closed door with no answer can be not only frustrating but also demeaning and affect your self-confidence and self-worth.

6. Whatever be the issues between any 2 people, compromise, sacrifices, and adjustments should not be so great that it affects ones sense of dignity, individuality, and self-respect.

7. If you don't feel like wishing, don't wish. If you don't feel like calling, don't call. If you don't feel like taking the initiative anymore, don't. If your parents ask you and blame you and think you brought this on and are responsible for the situation, explain to them if you can. If not, let it be. Tell them it is between you and your brother, you will sort it out.

8. Don't have to think or talk extremes such as "cutting off" 'breaking off" - it is just a status quo until there is some sign of response and communication from the other side.

 

I'm sorry, OP.
But sometimes you just have to accept that people change, for their own reasons. Are you in contact with your SIL or does the communication run through your brother? I would continue to send birthday and other occasion greetings, especially for your nephew. But don't have any expectation of reciprocation. Maybe things will improve in time, maybe not. The only thing you can control is your own actions. It is a difficult situation.

 

OP,
It runs deep indeed. Am going through a similar situation. A brother who is not in contact at all, and a sister who barely is (withdrawn, snobby, silent except when they want).

These are your siblings so the hurt is very great, I know. And the biggest thing is that you don't know 'Why'.

You can make one last try:
1. Wish him on his birthday, for your peace of mind, not for anyone else's. Simply, a text, a kind of Hi. Or, this could be the day you start to let go. Every year you will feel the tug, the sorrow, but it will also be a signpost for your acceptance of the mystery of this relationship.

2. Then, begin the process of letting go as if you have really lost him. You may lose your resolve sometimes & try again to connect with him; doesn't matter - start over. There is no manual to this, no rules, nothing but your heart, mind, memories, and will. Nobody gets a say in how you proceed & how you cope.

The thing is, it really is a loss, a huge great big gap in your life. So you must give yourself time. And allow yourself to grieve this loss. It won't be easy but after a long while it becomes easier.

I have more or less resigned myself to it, accepted it. I deal with my sister's sporadic communication & busy myself with my life. I have cried tears for my brother but accepted that he has no interest in me.

I hope you have friends & family who let you know you are loved.

Write down what you would like to say to them, record stuff maybe.
I tell my kids stories of my childhood all the time, so the memories are enshrined in some halcyon bubble for me. I can visit the bond & innocence of those days, and my kids feel the kinship, even though there's very very very rare communication. You can do that if it comforts you.

This is a hard road because you are accepting rejection from someone you never dreamed would do this. You cannot retaliate in any way, it's not you. So you resign yourself to their way of doing this.
There's no point in explaining it to him because he knows it already.

Just one thing, is your SiL not friendly? Can you have a relationship with your nephew through her? It won't be the same but I hope this is possible. Or depending on how old the boy is, perhaps evolve a relationship with him. Call them & talk to him directly.
Tell your parents the same, though it will be difficult for them as they get older.

I wrote at length here because I can see you are hurting. Hugs to you, be kind to yourself. Take your time to think through what you want. All the best.