Emotional Rollercoaster- Please Help

toffbird · Mar 1, 2017

Hi Everyone,

I have been a member of IL for the past 2 years but this is my first ever post. I have been battling with my emotions for ever so many years and its so hard for me to put it in writing.
So to give a background , I am in my early 30s , married. My childhood was a very traumatic one . My mother died when I was quite young and my dad married another woman of his choice a few years later. This lady although with good intensions never worked hard enough to form a bond with me and then once she gave birth to a child of her own the effort to form a bond with me reduced further . For me from the beginning she was someone outside of our family but i was trying hard to get her approval . I have even taken her side and gone out of my way (as a child) to please her just to get her to like me like how she likes her own child. She has constantly used my emotions as a child to manipulate me and turn against some of my own relatives but till date she has never done anything for me or supported me emotionally. She has blamed me for no happiness in her life, even cursed me on the day i got my first period and even told me that I would give birth to a mentally retarded child among many other things when I was a tennager. I always lived a two faced life one where I would be all happiness and pretend my life is perfect in from of my friends and relatives and then there was the other side at home . She never starved me or harmed me but she always made me feel that her life would be happier without me. So basically a relationship never existed . Fast forward to my college days I lived in another city and continued to be out of my home city for my masters, job etc until I got married. Now we share a very official relationship - we wish each other for our birthdays , occasionally call each other but she tries to initiate more these days just to get approval from others like my PILS etc but my PILs can definitely see through this facade. But the thing is that even after so many years , even if I meet her or talk to her I get highly stressed , all the bad memories coming gushing in and I feel terrible. I am trying hard to forget all this and move on . For my dad and sister I still have to interact with her. The worse bit in all this is that she doesnt even realise how she has ruined my life. She doesnt understand the damage she has done to my mental health and sanity. My father is the best thing that has happened in my life, but the one thing that keeps coming back to me is why didnt he take my side when I was a child and protect me from her toxic behavior? I have never complained about her to him and she has never ill treated me in front of him but he definitely knew things were not happy - then why didnt he tell her off or kick her out? I found a wonderful man and married him and my MIL makes up for every bit of childhood I lost - I am very blessed indeed. However it is an emotional rollercoaster when it comes to my stepmom - I dont want to cut contacts with her but at the same time even if we are just having a civil conversation i am reminded of all the horrific things shes said to me as a child. How do I deal with this ? Cutting ties with her is not an option and she no longer bad mouths me . I want to be at emotional peace and move on. Does this feeling ever go away? Will she ever realize what she has done?

yellowmango · Mar 1, 2017

Op,she said some horrible things to you when you were young .
There is no excuse for that.
But she did care for you and brought you up.
As you say ....she was not emotionally connected to you ,but she did rest of her duties that a mother does.Some women cannot be emotionally connected to a child that they did not give birth to.
Wish she had been there for you emotionally ,specially when you needed her the most.

Do you really want that your father should have kicked her and your sister out?
Why did you not let your dad know? May be he would have done something about it.

Now you can' t do much about it so let it go.
God took away for mom but gave you a good husband and in laws. Enjoy your life with them.
If required get some counselling to get over this.
Give more love and care to mil and she will hopefully give you love in return.

As for your stepmom,let go of the bitterness.You do not have to love her.Just remember her as the woman who cooked for you,washed your clothes,helped in some way to get educated.That is a lot of good to remember. She is the mother of your step sister,the wife of your father.She is the one who is going to take care of them,specially your dad whom you love.

Don't let your bitter experiences in the past from overpowering the wonderful life you have now.

Best wishes.

yellowmango · Mar 1, 2017

Op....sometimes real mothers also say mean and hurtful things.
Not all real mothers are supportive.
Many mothers show partiality between their own kids.

Some real mothers are emotionally and physically abusive at times.
How often I have heard of friends making fun of how their mom hit them with a slipper or the broom .

But children find ways to forgive them,sometimes even find excuses for them .May be because they share a bond of blood.It is easier to overlook the bad behavior of real parents and forgive them.

You both seem to have struggled with not having that bond of blood .
Try to look for the things that she did for you.Try to forget what she could not .

deepthyanoop · Mar 1, 2017

yellowmango said: ↑

Op....sometimes real mothers also say mean and hurtful things.
Not all real mothers are supportive.
Many mothers show partiality between their own kids.

Some real mothers are emotionally and physically abusive at times.
How often I have heard of friends making fun of how their mom hit them with a slipper or the broom .

But children find ways to forgive them,sometimes even find excuses for them .May be because they share a bond of blood.It is easier to overlook the bad behavior of real parents and forgive them.

You both seem to have struggled with not having that bond of blood .
Try to look for the things that she did for you.Try to forget what she could not .
Click to expand...

Really liked your reply..

MalStrom · Mar 1, 2017

Please go to counseling to sort out all these thoughts running in your head. You obviously have very complicated feelings and it looks like your stepmother's efforts may have also left something to be desired. You have a good life now and you should not let your past emotions corrode that. A good therapist can help you navigate through all this.
Do not blame your father. Unless he also participated in the abuse he must have felt between a rock and a hard place. For all you know he might have been doing what he could behind the scenes to protect you while you were growing up. And once they had your half-sibling there is no way he could have left her. It may have been easier for him to think everything was okay, and he may not even have known the extent of your angst.
Maintain good relations with your dad and half-sister, and be polite to your stepmom. The past is gone. Don't let it ruin your present and future.

shri0218 · Mar 1, 2017

yellowmango said: ↑

Op....sometimes real mothers also say mean and hurtful things.
Not all real mothers are supportive.
Many mothers show partiality between their own kids.

Some real mothers are emotionally and physically abusive at times.
How often I have heard of friends making fun of how their mom hit them with a slipper or the broom .

But children find ways to forgive them,sometimes even find excuses for them .May be because they share a bond of blood.It is easier to overlook the bad behavior of real parents and forgive them.

You both seem to have struggled with not having that bond of blood .
Try to look for the things that she did for you.Try to forget what she could not .
Click to expand...

You couldn't say it better! Such a powerful reply.

momsky · Mar 1, 2017

@toffbird Forgive, forget, and count your many blessings. Words, no matter how painful they are, at the end of the day are just words. From your story, you already sound emotionally strong; if you weren't, you wouldn't have achieve all these current success in your life. So, please don't let these bad memories ruin your hardwork.

toffbird · Mar 2, 2017

yellowmango said: ↑

Op,she said some horrible things to you when you were young .
There is no excuse for that.
But she did care for you and brought you up.
As you say ....she was not emotionally connected to you ,but she did rest of her duties that a mother does.Some women cannot be emotionally connected to a child that they did not give birth to.
Wish she had been there for you emotionally ,specially when you needed her the most.

Do you really want that your father should have kicked her and your sister out?
Why did you not let your dad know? May be he would have done something about it.

Now you can' t do much about it so let it go.
God took away for mom but gave you a good husband and in laws. Enjoy your life with them.
If required get some counselling to get over this.
Give more love and care to mil and she will hopefully give you love in return.

As for your stepmom,let go of the bitterness.You do not have to love her.Just remember her as the woman who cooked for you,washed your clothes,helped in some way to get educated.That is a lot of good to remember. She is the mother of your step sister,the wife of your father.She is the one who is going to take care of them,specially your dad whom you love.

Don't let your bitter experiences in the past from overpowering the wonderful life you have now.

Best wishes.
Click to expand...

Hi Yellowmango,

Thanks for taking the time to write such a detailed response.
I still care for her a wee little bit because she was like a hostel warden , nothing personal about our relationship but she did her duty but she mentioned it every single day. She didnt cook for me alone , she cooked for our family, she doesnt even know what food i like and i dont ! Also she "trained" me to wash my own clothes from when i was in 5th grade if the maid didnt turn up while for her own daughter she did it till she was in college .

Anyway like you said I just have to move on and she was never my mother from the beginning for me to expect anything from her . I really have to think about counselling to get closure on this .

Thanks

toffbird · Mar 2, 2017

yellowmango said: ↑

Op....sometimes real mothers also say mean and hurtful things.
Not all real mothers are supportive.
Many mothers show partiality between their own kids.

Some real mothers are emotionally and physically abusive at times.
How often I have heard of friends making fun of how their mom hit them with a slipper or the broom .

But children find ways to forgive them,sometimes even find excuses for them .May be because they share a bond of blood.It is easier to overlook the bad behavior of real parents and forgive them.

You both seem to have struggled with not having that bond of blood .
Try to look for the things that she did for you.Try to forget what she could not .
Click to expand...

Yes, Yellowmango , I cant even imagine what children go through when their own mothers illtreat them. Atleast I am in a position now to have zero expectations from her

toffbird · Mar 2, 2017

MalStrom said: ↑

Please go to counseling to sort out all these thoughts running in your head. You obviously have very complicated feelings and it looks like your stepmother's efforts may have also left something to be desired. You have a good life now and you should not let your past emotions corrode that. A good therapist can help you navigate through all this.
Do not blame your father. Unless he also participated in the abuse he must have felt between a rock and a hard place. For all you know he might have been doing what he could behind the scenes to protect you while you were growing up. And once they had your half-sibling there is no way he could have left her. It may have been easier for him to think everything was okay, and he may not even have known the extent of your angst.
Maintain good relations with your dad and half-sister, and be polite to your stepmom. The past is gone. Don't let it ruin your present and future.
Click to expand...

Thanks Malstrom , That is what I tell myself when I think back on my fathers position, he must have been in such a difficult position that he couldnt do anything . It just that when I was younger I used to feel so alone in this world and think that I had noone of my own , you know that 1 person that everyone has whom you can trust no matter what. Thankfully things have turned around now and am blessed with a loving family . But I still need to work on the stress I go through when I interact with her . Its very confusing you know- when one part of you understands that there has to be zero expectations from her but the other part expects something. However logically I dont want to trust her with my emotions anymore because she has never given back anything in return . I am very guarded now and would rather go to my neighbours than go to her with any problems I may have . You know what is confusing her expectations from me, she ll call me to find out how to work her laptop or order something online or discuss my sisters future even though we dont have that relationship. Everytime something like this happens then I go back into my loop of wondering why all this happened to me .