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Do Not Want To Give Up This Time!

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by RealisticMe, Jan 11, 2018.

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Jan 19, 2018 #21

RealisticMe Junior IL'ite

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nuss said: ↑

I have two children and I didn’t ask my mom to come over to take care of me. Husband and I managed quite well. Both were c-section. My parents have visited us several times before and after kids and usually stay 2-3 months with us. The kids go to daycare as usual, my parents are not the caregivers.
On the other hand, my mom took care of all 4 of my sisters deliveries and pretty much raised one of my nephews and raising other (different sisters sons).
It is not like our parents love us more or less, different dynamics play role in their decisions. Some children are more independent and can take care of themselves and others might not be that independent. Your mom will be with you for 1.5 months and after that she will be only an hour away from you for another 9-10 months. Count your blessings! Instead of micro analyzing the situation, be happy for the time you will get to spend with your mom.
Re your relationship with SIL- be yourself. Not all relationships can be great just try to be cordial.
My SIL and I are very different people. We know our differences and keep the interactions minimum. We don’t talk to each other when my husband and his brother are in FaceTime. Our only interaction is wishing Birthday, Christmas etc.
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Makes complete sense. Thankyou for your advice.

RealisticMe, Jan 19, 2018

RealisticMe, Jan 19, 2018

#21
Jan 19, 2018 #22

RealisticMe Junior IL'ite

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blackbeauty84 said: ↑

Me and Bhabhi delivered four months apart. Due to some reasons SIL came very early from her mother's house post delivery and i was struck in a similar situation like yours. My mom stayed with me for one month post delivery and then went to take care of bhabhi. My mom prefers my brother's house as she believes they will take care of her at the old age. We(me&my husband) had no problem about that.
What I did is : I read a lot about taking care of infant. Hired a cook. I already had a help to take care of household chores and I had a supportive husband. It was daunting sometimes but very much manageable.
Don't let your mom feel guilty about her decision.Some parents still feel that only son should take care of them at old age and most of their decisions will be based on this.
If your mom is available for help well and good. Else be prepared.Take care and enjoy your pregnancy.
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Thankyou for your advice. Makes complete sense.

RealisticMe, Jan 19, 2018

RealisticMe, Jan 19, 2018

#22
Jan 19, 2018 #23

RealisticMe Junior IL'ite

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Rihana said: ↑

Wow.. I am trying to imagine your mother telling your brother that (not to try or plan for a baby now), and him conveying it to his wife. Or did your mother tell it to them jointly?

Calculating back, given the 5-7 weeks difference in due dates, when your mother told your brother and his wife to 'cease and desist', was your bhabhi already pregnant?

Pardon the bluntness, but that is really being a brat. Wanting old mom 'to take a stand' and arguing that 'you asked her 1st'. You say you can get a nanny and have been prepared for that possibility for long, but are subjecting your mom to such avoidable tensions. Don't do it. At this age of your mom, 15 years after your dad passed away, allow her to be happy that both her children are going to present her with two more grandkids.

Maybe, for whatever reasons, within and outside your control, she likes to spend more time with them? It happens in many families. Parent prefers to stay with one child rather than the other. Often, there's not much you can do about it.

How do you know this?

If you really want to know... read your posts. Reflect on them. Think back to the associated conversations you had with mom and brother, in person and over phone, related to what you have written. Seriously, the "problem" is only that your mom is not visiting you when and as long as you want her to. The solution of a nanny is implementable, yet you are brooding on the injustice of it all.

Can you imagine what it must have felt like for your mom to hear that from you? Her pregnant daughter is upset because of her. You told her if she was sick and couldn't come it'd be fine! But not if she is hale and hearty and choosing to go to your brother's place! Your angst is understandable in a way, but remember that not all actions and resources of a parent will get distributed equally between siblings at all times.

What should you do? Take the high road. Even if your mom comes in April or stays longer with you, it will be unpleasant over all. Tell mom you have decided to go the nanny route for when she cannot be with you. Count your blessings - supportive husband, pregnant second time, have a fulltime job, can afford nanny, mom who is healthy enough to travel. Let your mom have a great 2018 where she welcomes her third and fourth grandkids with minimal bickering and complaints from you and your brother, bhabhi.

For now, let things be other than stop bugging your mother about her visiting them more. Both families expecting second kid. That is a big change. All will be busy. Think about how you can keep your conversations and interactions with them mostly positive (and cut down intensity if necessary). Share any hurt only with your husband, close friends or here in IL. Consider your sacrifice as a small bit you do for your mother's happiness.

Try it.. tell mom that you have thought about it, and don't want her to feel under pressure to visit both children at same time. Drop this "I don't want to give up this time" approach. It is not a competition where the winner is whom your mom spends more time with.

When you and husband handle such milestones mostly yourselves (by choice or due to no choice), your bond grows. Think of the bright side. When mother/MIL come to help, the baby's dad is often relegated to non-baby duties. Watching your husband take care of the baby (or the older child), or taking care of you in the initial days/weeks, is a memory that stays in the mind for decades.

Don't mean to get you worked up when you are pregnant... take it easy... think from your mother's POV. Your feelings are valid, even if how you expressed them to mom is not so nice, but, sometimes, it is what it is. Life is not always fair.

Congratulations on the pregnancy. Enjoy the upcoming months. Observing older kid's differing reactions as your pregnancy gets more visible is priceless.
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Thankyou for your advice, its very helpful.

RealisticMe, Jan 19, 2018

RealisticMe, Jan 19, 2018

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Jan 30, 2018 #24

RealisticMe Junior IL'ite

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My mom told me today that she will come in may and spend one week at my brothers place first and then come to us. That would be my 9th month and my 1st one was born 1 month pre. All I could think of was she just thinks about them. She wants to come there first, spend most time there and leave from there. In between just for a month she will come to my house. Can’t help but feel very sad about all this. My own mom’s bias is really hurting me. I wish I could be more positive.

RealisticMe, Jan 30, 2018

RealisticMe, Jan 30, 2018

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Jan 31, 2018 #25

sweetsmiley Platinum IL'ite

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I can understand your pain and even i faced this bias and couldn't get over with that. Just for your peace of mind
Is it possible to manage that one month without your Mom? If yes, then better manage with external help and dont think about this again and again.

Tats what i finally did and felt lot better. may be my inner ego satisfied after i said no to biased help. I know its not good and they are my own parents, but postpartum hormones play big role..

I literally cried for more than a week about that and finally decided not to think about that again... Peace...

sweetsmiley, Jan 31, 2018

sweetsmiley, Jan 31, 2018

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Jan 31, 2018 #26

Brevity Gold IL'ite

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RealisticMe said: ↑

My mom told me today that she will come in may and spend one week at my brothers place first and then come to us. That would be my 9th month and my 1st one was born 1 month pre. All I could think of was she just thinks about them. She wants to come there first, spend most time there and leave from there. In between just for a month she will come to my house. Can’t help but feel very sad about all this. My own mom’s bias is really hurting me. I wish I could be more positive.
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Make plans with your husband to adjust without your mom's help. May be husband can take a couple of weeks or a month off, get a part-time nanny. Inform your mom that you can adjust yourself and ask her to visit whenever she wishes, may be when baby is bigger, for whatever duration she wishes.

Believe me, you will feel much better once you take away the expectations from her. Since your husband is supportive, you can do it.

Think about your poor mom who puts up and serves your cold sil for the fear of having nobody to take care of her.
I think all this is because of societal expectations, not because she does not love you. When you find yourself emotionally stable, assure her that she will always be welcome by you and your husband when she is old and sick.

Brevity, Jan 31, 2018

Brevity, Jan 31, 2018

#26

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Feb 1, 2018 #27

ririta477 New IL'ite

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In my opinion just get a help from outside to help you out with your daily work and with your eldest kid. You stay relaxed and dictate your own terms. Take the support of your husband both emotionally and physically in whatever ways you can. Don't have the jhanjhat of having your parents or in-laws when you are pregnant and for few months post delivery. Stop thinking about how your mother thinks and enjoy your motherhood, which is more important.

ririta477, Feb 1, 2018

ririta477, Feb 1, 2018

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Feb 1, 2018 #28

RealisticMe Junior IL'ite

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sweetsmiley said: ↑

I can understand your pain and even i faced this bias and couldn't get over with that. Just for your peace of mind
Is it possible to manage that one month without your Mom? If yes, then better manage with external help and dont think about this again and again.

Tats what i finally did and felt lot better. may be my inner ego satisfied after i said no to biased help. I know its not good and they are my own parents, but postpartum hormones play big role..

I literally cried for more than a week about that and finally decided not to think about that again... Peace...
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Thankyou! Yes that’s what happened. I can’t stop but cry about all this. I can and will get help from outside. But, her bias is killing me. She wants to show my bhabi all stuff she is getting for me so that bhabi is not offended. She wants to cook for them before coming here. I don’t understand why she is so scared of her. I can’t look up to her anymore as a role model. I am going to be a mom of a baby girl soon and all I can think of is promising her that I will not do this to her. I am trying to get this out of my system and let all this go. But I am not able to get over it. I wish I feel more positive and move on sooner. Thankyou for your response.

RealisticMe, Feb 1, 2018

RealisticMe, Feb 1, 2018

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Feb 1, 2018 #29

RealisticMe Junior IL'ite

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ririta477 said: ↑

In my opinion just get a help from outside to help you out with your daily work and with your eldest kid. You stay relaxed and dictate your own terms. Take the support of your husband both emotionally and physically in whatever ways you can. Don't have the jhanjhat of having your parents or in-laws when you are pregnant and for few months post delivery. Stop thinking about how your mother thinks and enjoy your motherhood, which is more important.
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If i would do that now, they will not agree. Since i already fought a lot uselessly for what i thought was right. But, it did not matter at all. Nothing changed and i realized very late that nothing was supposed to change. I had to make peace with it.

RealisticMe, Feb 1, 2018

RealisticMe, Feb 1, 2018

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Feb 2, 2018 #30

nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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Brevity said: ↑

Think about your poor mom who puts up and serves your cold sil for the fear of having nobody to take care of her.
I think all this is because of societal expectations, not because she does not love you. When you find yourself emotionally stable, assure her that she will always be welcome by you and your husband when she is old and sick.
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I agree you should do that , and be serious about it . I feel bad for your mom.

nakshatra1, Feb 2, 2018

nakshatra1, Feb 2, 2018

#30

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