Do Not Want To Give Up This Time!

Hi,
Lost post alert!

My dad expired 15 years ago. My mom has handled everything very nicely since then. She is a very social person and has never annoyed anyone in friends or family. Everyone loves her. She sacrifices a lot for that though. And she is always in social pressure of maintaining all relationships nicely even if people are not nice to her.

My brother got married 7 years ago, almost against everyone's wishes, because my family did not like their family at all. I was completely for the marriage since I was in US and i did not see the issues elders in the family saw - like stinginess in girls family, lower standards of living, old school thinking, rigid views, no flexibility etc.

My bhabi had many issues with our family since beginning - very trivial things which we never noticed, high insecurity due to her short height etc. She is very short tempered too. She has had issues with almost everyone in the family because of her negative thinking i believe. And she finds excuses to fight. I ignored a lot of stuff initially but then i got annoyed and we had a fight. She thinks that i should respect her because she is my bhabi and i believe respect is mutual and should be earned by deeds. Her thinking is very orthodox.

All this happened in first 2 years of their marriage. After that i started maintaining distance. I would talk nicely but never too much (because i have to think a lot before i talk to her, scared of her catching things to create fights again). Everytime i would try to just be nice irrespective of her nature. We had kids and life went on, We were never very close.

My bro and his family live an hour away from us. Generally, if we visit them, i make special efforts to go on a Fri and come back on Sun. On the other hand, she always tries to come on Sat and leave early on Sun. And there are many similar things which i try my best to ignore and still talk nicely to her. On bday of my son 2 years ago, she wanted to leave just after celebration in temple, around 1pm on Sun. Trying be extra nice, i insisted them to stay and leave later. She got mad right there in the temple and started saying a lot of stuff to me and my husband, that we are forcing them to stay. This time i got really pissed off and stopped calling her altogether and bothering about being nice or any other obligations.

After that i think she realized her mistake and called after a month. Since then it has been ok-ok. I try to talk normally and be nice- nothing more nothing less. If we facetime, she will never come on call. I will ask for her and wish her - each time.

All this was going on and i had accepted how the relationship will be.

Recently, she came back from her india visit in Oct and was annoyed with my mom for some reason. We invited them and she made excuses and they did not come. We had to go to their hometown for something so we visited them , i would say forcefully - because we invited ourselves to their house - but she was fine during that visit.

During my first pregnancy in 2013, my mom could not go to my brother and bhabi during their baby's delivery because we needed her - my MIL could not come and i could not manage nanny in india since i was going to travel to US for work soon. So she went to them after a month. My bhabi got really pissed off with that because she thinks its in-laws responsibility to take care of their new born.

Last time my experience with my mil was very bad, i got stressed and could not feed. So during next delivery time, i did not want her around for initial few months.

I am expecting again and i had asked my mom to come during my delivery in May for 6 months. And i have told this to her since past 5 years that if she will not come ill manage with nanny but i cannot call my mil because she stresses me out. I can call my mil later - after few months after i am all settled.

After i gave my news to my mom, she told my brother to not try or plan for a baby now, since she will be in trouble about where to go again. Because she feels more obligated to go to my bhabi than coming to me. All of them think that in-laws should be the one to go for help and not the mom. But, i am more comfortable with my mom, so i was only interested in her visiting me during the initial 5 months.

When i disclosed my pregnancy news to my brothers family, they also disclosed theirs - which was a surprise. My delivery is in may end and bhabi's in july beginning. Since my mom can only come to one place now, we are stuck.

My mom decided to come to me in May and go to their place in Jul end.
I wanted my mom to take the stand and tell them that she will come to me since i asked her 1st, but she did not. Instead she decided to come to me for 1.5 months and spend 9-10 months with my brother.
I asked her to come earlier in April, she said no.

Bhabi's mom has never stayed much with them since they dont feel like staying at daughters place. Also, now she said she will not come since she wants to go to her DIL who is also pregnant at the same time.
I was expecting my bro and mom to figure out some arrangement where mom can go to them during there delivery for a few months Jul-Aug and then come back to me. But, noone even tried.

I feel ditched and cheated by both brother and mom.

My husband and my brother are really attached but they dont get to meet enough because she is never interested. Kids miss each other but they cant meet for the same reason.
Bro has always been nice, but after years of marriage, now thinks a lot like his wife. He does not call enough and i was fine with all this until now, when i feel completely lost when my own mom does not support me. I feel she is completely biased and treats my brother and bhabi with more importance.
My bhabi does not call my mom at all , is not really nice to her, still my mom feels that she need to go to them so that she is not upset again.
Luckily, my husband is very supportive.

This is my side of story. I am sure her version would be different. But, i cant see where i went wrong and why i deserve this kind of treatment by my mom and bro. Now, i dont feel like talking to my bro and mom. Bhabi and me anyways dont talk much. Also, I have already told my mom that I would not have been upset if she could not have come due to sickness or anything else. I am more hurt because she is ready to come to my bro for 10 months and she wants to come to me for 1.5 month. Very sad, stressed and heartbroken mom-to-be. What should i do?

FYI - Both me and bhabi are full time working moms.

 

Thank you.

 

Yes, I can manage. As I said, I would not be so upset if she genuinely would not be able to come. I am really sad because of the bias between son and daughter. She is ready to stay with them for 10 months even though I try to make her super comfortable in my house - I get extra help, take care of her. They make her do more work, take care of their toddler, she got weak when she visited them last time. I wanted her to spend equal time at both places. So, I felt bad because she decided to give them more importance and time. I will surely have Help around and will be able to manage it. I am hurt because daughters become less important after marriage. And she is always welcomed in our house and will be well taken care of- in old age also. But yes, her thinking would be different and that’s why she may have decided what she decided. Thankyou so much for your advice!

 

Thanks dear. That’s true. Thankyou so much for your advice!

 

Sure thankyou, I will be able to manage. What irks me is the bias and that they are higher priority, it’s not equal. Maybe I’m overthinking. Thanks dear for your advice.