Divorce Or Not?

I think fear prevents most women from taking divorce or makes women go for a marriage with a man who might be not meeting all criterias....

But after reading brave @Aarushi's story, i recalled another story of a brave woman who became my friend whose husband was emotionally abusive so she separated from him and started staying in her own apartment as she was earning well so did not need/ did not want a room-mate and one day she became really sick ..like could not even walk properly or take some steps ... also that day when she was staying alone ( this was before i knew her) - her first instinct was to call her separated husband who would talk to her every now n then but she thought i must learn how to manage on my own n she called 911 ambulance, stayed in hospital for few days without any family's or friend's help n when she became well, checked out of teh hospital on her own, took cab to get to her apartment..imagine how brave !!

..after I got to know her, n she became my friend, she inspired me so much that i also removed my fear away n started staying on my own in my own place without a room-mate ( plus room-mate means no privacy n some chik chik of some kinds, some r not so clean n some drama or the other )..n when i fell sick badly 1 day n needed to go to Emergency Room, i did not call anyone-family or friends, just took off from office, took a cab as i was too sick to drive my car n checked myself in ER..i have seen many non-desis come to ER on their own without spouse or friend ( twice when i had to visit ER , i observed that)....after ER treatment of several hours when docs gave me green signal to go home, took a cab back home n asked the cab to stop at pharmacy to pick up medicines n then took cab back to my apartment ( ordered food online)...this has happened twice n now I have no fear now...n I have achieved many things on my own over the years that i m so proud of..

Fear is the root cause of problems that makes desi woman marry wrong man or marry in a hurry or not go for divorce but once u handle the toughest situations on ur own without fear like life n death illness type of situations, everything falls into perspective n things in fact become much better in life all of a sudden like God opens up heavens n comes to ur rescue...like @Aarushi, that friend of mine finally found happiness again ( she was in mid 40's then)...

i too have been able to achieve some major milestones n just started dating recently - i cut off wrong men very quickly, 1 wrong question or conversation n that man is blocked ..now i am seeing some good successful modern men sending interests n i m 41 and getting really good interests from smart successful never married desi men who are attorneys, investment bankers plus these days most people look good in 40s also but only time n dating for a year or so would tell where things go n my profile is really blunt that such n such kind of behavior won't be tolerated n i m getting interest from some quality men and my age is 41 ....but i m not worried at all n just recently started dating n now seeing some good interest after few wrong interests 1 of whom ghosted...good he got scared that i am not that types that can be sub-dued, 1 assumed i was a slut all thanks to bollywood movies like shahruk's pardes where NRI single women or men just sleep around n only indian village women r pure ..imagine when i did not date for 10 years n still getting called slut because a woman is succesful in independent ..i though gave him a piece of mind...lol..now since yesterday, I am speaking to a nice desi guy who seems good enough but i told him to which he agreed that we need to date for a year to see how things go - its in initial stages so we are active on sites n not yet exclusive..even if things don't work out with this man, i m not worried as i have seen , if 1 thing goes away, God gives much better thing eventually but i have seen that my friends who have been successful in personal or professional life have taken risks without fear..I got inspired to date again after reading @Aarushi's story, @senorita2019 story as i had a bad experience with my ex n had given up on men n did not date for like 10 years !

 

OP
You keep saying that he is a good father and you dont want to take that away, why do you say that ?
When your husband has 50% custody and spends 50% time with the children whats the big problem. You are just confusing yourself and not thinking clearly. Why you think your kids wont have a dad? You think all kids of divorce are fatherless, come on. My son spends weekends with his dad, half of summer break, winter break, spring break with his dad. He get quality time with both parents.

Again, why you think step fathers are mean ? Are you immediately going to marry and settle down. NO
You will date and know the person for 2-3 years and the kids will also know the person before you even tie the knot. Many men are ok with just dating till the women is comfortable to move to next step (marriage or move in together)

You will have your ex be a doting father and spend time with kids and you will have a life partner/boyfriend and everyone will get adjusted eventually. I dont understand why you want to suffer and suffer. You cant live like this, its soul crushing.

 

@senorita2019 Our Indian values lead us to believe that divorce is bad and kids of divorced parents don’t do well. We forget that kids won’t be happy if the parents are constantly fighting or unhappy.

 

I surprised that OP is thinking her husband will be out of kids life after divorce.Stepdad will be a monster. This is such a regressive attitude and sad.

 

I agree and disagree. basically the term indian values is put in whenever someone do not want to take the decision or just want to put the blame on other. like spouse wants the husband to file divorce but the reality is she needs divorce more than h.

sati , child marriage, triple talaq . are were part of india. (though totally unrelated from this thread), but these are old indian values i guess.

OP is just afraid, there is so much people can advise from ILs. because in reality the divorce is easy to discuss but very hard to proceed. Ultimately the decision is to OP, she can choose to suffer on the name of marriage and blaming imaginary step dad as the devil.

 

Taking a decision of ending a marriage is always tough. In the western world, most women would chose to stay in a bag marriage because of financial reasons. In Indian culture, along with finances, we have the “ log kya Kahenge”’ plus divorce is bad/ bitoo will grow up to be messed up.
I am not judging anyone who stays in a bad marriage. I have had my moments and I know suggesting divorce is easier said than done. From my experiences and others, I can only say that children can sense when their parents are in a bad marriage. So it sometimes beats the whole purpose of staying together for the kids.

 

totally agree

 

Very true. Cant agree more.

To add to it, some women say "I dont want my kids to be kicked around from mom's house to dad's house, I feel very guilty about disrupting the child's life". I cant agree to this. Responsible parents design a good custody arrangement where kids are exchanged each Sunday/Saturday and both parents live within 10-20 min away. So the child will just ride the car like its going to a grocery store or park or mall. My son has a full set of clothes, brush ,paste, laptop and stuff at his dad's place. He is actually so much more relaxed as he knows there wont be anymore yelling, screaming, crying, banging doors, police coming, relatives/friends panchayat drama etc etc.

Everything is peaceful and good now. Me and ex are taking our own vacations with our son, spending time with our own friends and family, following our own passions.

 

very good. you and your ex seem to be well headed and mature parents and adults, just could not work out as partners. this after the initial storm, you son will be more happy and contented.