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Divorce imminent

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by Tridev, Jul 13, 2010.

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  1. Jul 20, 2010 #111
    bujji9797

    bujji9797 New IL'ite

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    hi,

    Hope you ar doing good.....

    It is bit difficult to be in your role and act.... but still I feel ... ur wife is taking this decision ... may be for some emotional reason..... pls recollect... hv you showed her ur love to her ... means expressing.... like ur love to ur mom/ DD.... may be she feels you are more attached to ur mom/DD than ur wife... it is still ur part to balance....& express she is most important to you.... I don't think even now she is planning for separation... because as female... we will always think for the future , security & take decision... but in ur case.. ur wife is not demanding... any property.. not even consulting a lawyer... this shows.. very positive... hope definitely ur bond can be saved with some little adjustments... all the best... tkae care...
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2010
    bujji9797, Jul 20, 2010
    bujji9797, Jul 20, 2010
    #111
  2. Jul 20, 2010 #112
    Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    I am not super nice to my DD and mother,I am same with my wife in dealing. I treat everyone at par, I never give any one more importance , everyone has his or her own relevance and importance in its own place. How you treat your child you cannot treat your wife and vice versa... same thing goes with elders ... I have argued with my mother too.

    I have not given gifts to mother or DD and kept wife aloof. I always used to do things to make my wife happy. I in fact took her to shop once and she kept resisting she does not want to buy so much expensive clothes , I kept insisting and she bought. I wanted to see she gets everything nice and If God has given me a chance to provide why not? Not that I am lavish but when I used to see my wife and kids happy, I used to feel happy.

    I have said in 2009 she was in so much pain due to back problem that I send her to India for 2 months, reserached hospital from US and she got completey cured, this is due to the fact that our problems were still going on, still I was thinking of her. Though I had asked her in that period if we should really see if our relationship needs break an it is not working out... I dont know in day to day life if you dont treat someone badly what else to do to show love ...some women are more attention seekers and always want people around them , I dont think my wife is like that, she is not always looking for attention or expression of love , she is also not of that type who will express her love to others including me too easily....

    I have been fair with all...most of the times.. Yes it was once I felt that I am actually being not nice to her as I try to get rid of my frustration on her more than anyone else... I dont know but I feel it happens as you feel your spouse needs to cooperate more..

    PS:She may not want to divorce, or she may be reluctant, neither I may be firm but I am laying options or asking her but not getting any response. Also she not wanting divorce how does it help the relationship that is broken unless you do something to fix it. When I said after coming to India do we go to your therepist , she said she does not want to meet me unless things are fixed? Now I thought I want to meet her to see if things can be fixed? Nor does my wife make attempts to reconcile in a way which can convince, it is not easy for me to explain but mere wishing that I dont want seperation and acting egoistic and stubborn what good it is doign ? I asked her specifically what is that we can do to make it work, she had no answer....
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2010
    Tridev, Jul 20, 2010
    Tridev, Jul 20, 2010
    #112
  3. Jul 20, 2010 #113
    psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    Tridev

    Maybe she doesnt know how to fix it. It seems she is looking to you to find the answer. Maybe you can try jotting down solutions that would be totally geared to your wifes opinions? Solution may consist of only plans for her and your DS. No talk of DD or mother at all in the solution?? Maybe that would open her up? Seems like she is not one of those who can easily express her opinions/like/dislikes. Lot of Indian women are like that.

    I definiteley see a BIG ray of hope here (wifey asking you to fix things :) ).

    Jot some solutions that included you, your wife and your son. Also say that you understand her ways of parenting (its not that shes mean but different and that you wont interfere). No words of separation or divorce should occur in your talks. no saying that you want to save a mariage or mend a relationship. Just talk about the plans and see how she responds.

    See how that goes. Tridev - all doesnt look lost!! Dont file papers for now. just leave those things aside. she definitley still likes you :thumbsup:thumbsup
     
    psych, Jul 20, 2010
    psych, Jul 20, 2010
    #113
  4. Jul 20, 2010 #114
    BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Tridev,

    What is the age difference between your dd and your wife(approximate range will do)?

    Have known similar characters in my extended family that would be extremely possessive of their spouses and not want them to interact with any of their female relatives (cousins, nieces, sisters, sils).

    Anyways, my interpretation of astrology is that there are cosmic forces that affect our thought process (just like tv or any other media). When the forces are against us, we are unable to think clearly. Meditation can alleviate this to a certain extent(helping to look at the big picture and long term). However there are no shortage of rackets out there to fleece people into doing poojas to cash in on their troubled times so pls do due diligence (second opinion, going to people that have been referred).

    Anyways, from what I see a temporary separation is a good timeout for adults to reflect on their priorities and future direction for the relationship.
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2010
    BeeAmma, Jul 20, 2010
    BeeAmma, Jul 20, 2010
    #114
  5. Jul 20, 2010 #115
    riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Tridev,

    This simply confirms to me that your wife's character is same as my mother.. Please do a favour to your daughter and dont ever let her stay with that woman.. Growing up i heard these same dirty words from my mother.. She would hover over me and isolate me from my friends.. If i would talk to a boy she would potray me as pros.. You have no idea how it has torn me apart.. Like a fool i used blame myself for my mother's anger all these years.. She used to tell me things like ' I have given birth to you, so i have the right to kill you'.. And i used to believe such bull**** from her.. She would pitt me against my brother and saw to it that i never developed a healthy relation with my brother.. She would coldly degrade me in front of my friends and tell them my personal things which should not be told.. I was never suppose to go out with my friends even to watch a movie.. If ever i spent time with friends and she would get to know that later, she would use dirty words against me..
    She meddled even with my grand mother and her property, leaving her like a helpless door mat in the house..
    After marriage, she tried to run all over my spouse.. She wanted my husband to quit his job and be her errand boy.. She provoked me several times to fight with my husband.. She insulted my in-laws knowing very well it would rebound back on me..
    She took pleasure in seeing me and husband live separately.. she made a tamasha out of my life.. Today i have absolutely no attachment to her.. I dont feel like sharing my joys with her.. Now, when oldage is taking its toll on her, she is looking towards me.. Though i want to bury the past and make our relation better, i find it very difficult to forgive..

    It is very painful to live with such people.. It'll only do more harm than good..
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2010
    riya123, Jul 20, 2010
    riya123, Jul 20, 2010
    #115
  6. Jul 20, 2010 #116
    Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Tridev,

    For some people hearing some words is very painful but for some people it's not.I think it's the way the broughup.Is they broughup in the environement where there is rough language then the kids who brough up in that environement will not be sensitive to that language and they will be part of it.
    May be your wife one of those and even she spoke rude lanaguage she may not relaise anything she did wrong because she used for that environement.I have seen lot of instants like that and people(espeically opposite partner don't respond to those and they keep on going).
    In your case,your daugther is involved and that's why you are very sensitive,
    The langauge she used is not right at the same time I don't know what kind of she going though though.
     
    Priya16, Jul 20, 2010
    Priya16, Jul 20, 2010
    #116
  7. Jul 20, 2010 #117
    Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Riya it is painful to see your own mother doing this ****. Though I can draw some parallel in attitude but I dont think my wife is having that mind set , that she can go to the extent your mother went..that is what I feel... I agree and it is impossible now for all of us to stay under one roof...ever....and I would not want daughter to live with her, she has had worst time in US in 5 years off and on..

    The problem with rotten relationship is that it leaves us so confused we dont know what to believe and what is right. She said those words in anger and once due to some reason DD ate some tylenol and passed out then my wife told me take her to hospital or wherever you want. she kept crying , going mad in her room due to my wife treatment at times, but my wife used to pass by her like ghost....

    Not that my wife is wrong, she had valid reasons to get mad, but then to what extent and what about reactions? can a person do whatever because has a reason? I told my wife many times your intentions are not bad, your methods are wrong, she hardly understand, she defends every bit of her personality, she says that only you and your family find me rude, in my family no one finds me rude.

    Now who can make her understand how does it matter, she has grown up with a mother who is duplicate of hers, who is going to call her rude, when her mother too talks like same and father who is a dummy at home..

    I told her what matter is you to understand and say you will try to work on issues that are imp to us and not justify no one else regards me as rude and arrogant...

    I feel so peaceful I am not with her at moment... Today my son was not well she called me from hospital that he is sick and she is with doctor, I told her to take care of him and keep me updated....in evening...
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2010
    Tridev, Jul 20, 2010
    Tridev, Jul 20, 2010
    #117
  8. Jul 20, 2010 #118
    Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Her mother is like that who can tak very bluntly, but I also was in that enviornment, worst one can imagine , why did I not pick it up? It boils down to personality... rather my wife had much healthy family life before marriage than me..she is very blunt...

     
    Tridev, Jul 20, 2010
    Tridev, Jul 20, 2010
    #118
  9. Jul 20, 2010 #119
    newbeginning

    newbeginning Bronze IL'ite

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    Tridev,

    I totally understand your mental agony and state of mind. But please please dont judge her parents like that. I mean, you dont know them, and you have no right to say things like that to them. You have not lived with them I assume, so what do you know about their relationship and their lives? Your anger on your wife and her mistakes is totally justified, because you both are going thru it as adults and this is your life here.
    But when you make such statements, even by mistake in front of your wife.....I am sure she will retaliate more and more. Just like how you love your mother, she loves her parents as much too.....
    All this will only create more venom in your heart and bother you more and more......so just let it all go and calm down.

    I hope your son is doing better now....

    take care,
    NB
     
    newbeginning, Jul 20, 2010
    newbeginning, Jul 20, 2010
    #119
  10. Jul 20, 2010 #120
    psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    Tridev

    Your DS was sick. Did you visit him in the evening? Your DS will be expecting to see you.
     
    psych, Jul 20, 2010
    psych, Jul 20, 2010
    #120
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