Differential Treatment By In-laws Among Dh Siblings

I do not stay with my in-laws. I have had the luck of hardly staying with them, but still they have impacted our lives a lot thanks to DH being blind to all the manipulative techniques my in laws used.

However it seems like they will be frequently visiting us..in US..so basically not less than 3 or 4 months..
So now seeing some issues beforehand, I would like to ask suggestions from you all:

1. my in laws have never shared any family event pics, videos etc with me..my SIL never shared her kids pics when they were growing up..my BIL has been doing this just for namesake...we have pointed this to them 100 times, nothing happens ..all they lies and excuses that they did not click many pics etc (which is a big lie, we saw loadful of snaps in FIL jumpdrive of all the events and family functions they had )..and my DH and I argue over it like its a big issue....Last time when we met my in laws, all my FIL did was click videos and pics of my family and passed it on to BIL and SIL ..it was my kids' ceremony..next time he met me, he kept on clicking non stop everyday..it has made me too uncomfortable....we finally had a big argument with in laws as to why they dont share etc..again...nth time and FIL acted as if he didnt understand it earlier and acted dumb..and said from now onwards we would share.....1 yr has passed..all he does is very cleverly manipulatively sends old pics and 1 or 2 new current pics of other grandkids etc...its like I am fed up of arguing over this..with him arguing means getting angry hurt and affecting my health.....and I DO NOT WANT to share anymore..how can I say them no when they visit us...I am fed up spending my time and energy explaining it hurts when they dont involve us in family while they give a live-commentary of what we are doing to other siblings....how do i deal with this sh*t of my FIL.....its not just the pics/videos, its the family stuff as well..he shares everything my DH tells him to the SIL and BIL and he has selectively kept my DH isolated of all these things....it makes me suffer like crazy as i love my DH very much....he suffers too...but they are like stones..they have no budged since these last 10 years...they are united in keeping us isolated..and this has caused me take stern decision of living with detachment as trying to attach, making relationship go constructive way has always caused me deep emotional hut affecting my health and family harmony......I have never seen a cleverer miser person as my FIL in my life.....

2. my SIL is 2 years elder to me..in laws have made my life hell by comparing me with her in everything....she is a housewife and have never was interested in studies...in looks she is ok but obese..she has always been extremely jealous of my romantic life with my hubby, my education, my looks, the way I speak and mingle in friendly manner with everyone and I dont have any insecurity....insecure people are the MOST dangerous ones....my MIL crazily wants me to put on weight like her daughter...SIL does not restrict her diet, and is struggling losing weight since I met her and DH...I was also overweight but not like her, and by doing hard work exercise and keeping a tab on my diet I lost all the weight..so when they met me they were shocked to see me...all they did was kept on piling my plates with fat laden foods...its not that I am dieting I eat those, I have natural preference for eating healthy foods...I was overweight due to eating lot of carbs but I naturally dont like to eat sweets, or fried stuff, it gives me acidity and its hard to digest...so it was v shocking for them when I told I dont eat this or that..My FIL made such a big deal out of it..out of his jealousy/whatever, he is telling everyone he meets that I am dieting very strictly, I do this or that....I really dont like people commenting on my eating habits..when I am also struggling so much.... my MIL crossed the limits when she told me to eat 10 idlis in breakfast !!!!!! I was shocked...I cannot stuff more than 3 medium sized ones at one go...and she said I should eat 10s..they keep a check what I PUT on plate, they put ghee in my food in hidden manner (I caught my MIL adding ghee...to my plate only..underside the roti not on top...)I do not eat ghee...I have fats from butter or very occassionaly i eat halwa..but I do not like the taste of ghee..since my childhood I have never liked ghee..so I know its taste when its there in food and i can only vomit..this is not acceptable to them as their daughter loves to gorge on ghee sweets etc..since I dont like these foods, they feel I am on strict diet...I am just so much fed up on them....1 month i stayed with them, their Goal was to keep making me eat every 2 hrs...if i am not hungry my MIL would say I am fasting!! when I was staying with my parents, they visited once, I was having flavoured curd once, and behind my back, in the fridge they were checking what I was eating whether it is some weight loss stuff...I am believer in healthy eating doing hard work like exercise, being active...their daughter is TBH when I saw her here in US, she used to use remote control button to switch off lights in the room...walking was boring for her and sweets and ghee is her weakness...if she has these habits, why the hell are they bent on making me fat and unhealthy......despite being obese their daughter have no health issues while if I gain even a few kgs extra, I start having my asthma out of control.....my in laws dont care about whether i die or live or have serious health issues, they know if I gain weight I start having health problems but they act as if they dont know...all they care is that I should not be looking good in front of their daughter.....all they do when they see me even on webcam comment on my body my face (my face is slim i am dieting) I am so much fed up of them that it is literally not possible for me to stay with them..however, DH says that if we dont spend time with them, out kids will never know grandparents...also in relatives my FIL already passes a lot of negative imaginary things about me..he has already bad mouthed me among relatives but he doesnt tell his side of mistakes or his unfair side....any suggestions on how to deal with this?

I feel I married in this family coming from a different background, they have acted so cheap with me I have never seen such cheap and non-mannered, egoistic people in my life.. but alas such people have become my extended family.....



thanks!

 

Thanks Yellowmango for your succint and nice reply.
I actually dont care if they share their pics or not anymore...I want to be at a phase of "Dont ask dont give".. I am at peace by being detached from them and DH is supporting me on that....If they share their kids pics I will share else that too would not happen..I am following a "silence/no comments" mantra if they try to piss me off..I just lose my patience and feel v irritated when they persistently bug me for MY pics (to check if I am becoming more slim/fat, because thats what their comments are about everytime they see me) and also they are persistent in front of everyone that "i DONT eat/diet strictly even though I finish overeating in front of them....

 

It is nice that your Father does not differentiate between you and SIL..good for your SIL..
And he is highly educated etc .. so he knows the ill effects of eating unhealthy food..what if it were opposite?? Like forcing you to eat unhealthy stuff and you want to maintain good health???? How would you react if it were your FIL and not father? More so, if he just picked you give unhealthy stuff while giving good healthy stuff to your SIL? Would you eat that stuff to maintain peace harmony? Would you be fool enough to consider it LOVE?

I say if you offer sugary stuff to a diabetic person "out of love", then is it really love? Are you not being his or her enemy by serving or forcing him things that he is not supposed to have??

My Parents in law are clearly jealous that their daughter who is obese is not able to control her food habits while me as a DIL has reduced weight due to hard work exercise and trying to maintain my health so that I am here for my kids

We are not dumb not to see the difference between love care and jealousy and insecurity

It's easy for a healthy young person who has not yet been affected by any diseases to preach and say "kha lo Kuch nahi Hoga , oh you diet a lot, etc"

I am born and raised in India, trend is changing in cities maybe in some towns enforcing guests a lot of ghee and fatty stuff is still considered to be out of love....my side family (from Delhi) don't force anyone to eat unhealthy knowing that it will affect their health. We offer but don't force and comment on eating habits, its basic good manners not to pick anyone suffering from health issues and making a mockery of their condition..

If you have good health despite eating bad stuff then maybe you lucky for now but not for long.. maybe you have good genes but not all people are like that..

As a family member you need to be sensitive to them if you as a family will start making them uncomfortable they are bound to avoid you (of course if they are not fool enough to put their health in jeopardy to maintain peace and harmony)

 

Yes I feel that is going to be the only saving grace, yes I am ignoring them, they are in India but when they are around it will be very tough to ignore them or not to comment, because if I do that, they will bad mouth about me to every relative present in US, they will call them and say we are getting bored, come and take us..both DH and me will be bad mouthed....I am feeling its a lose-lose situation, in no way can they be really happy with me, if I please them, i suffer..

 

Thanks! I am fine if we hardly meet them, but if they get their 10 yr tourist visa then my FIL will be bubbling to come here every year which of course I cannot tolerate..its like they will always be on your head ready to come at the drop of hat..
its interesting to know that you too gained weight after miscarriage, I was on path to lose weight and almost 10 pounds away from goal weight when I became pregnant, my MC happened at 10 weeks (which was a bit late) but in those 10 weeks I hardly gained anything, then after MC, until my periods returned I ballooned up 8 kgs more..without eating extra...that plus TTC again, and now preganant I am back to weighing almost 40 pounds more than ideal weight.....I hope to lose it within 6 to 8 months of delivery provided my ILs are not around me....
stress and sleeplessness also makes me fat..