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Did My Friend Cross Boundaries?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by kavya007, Feb 14, 2020.

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  1. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I think you were lucky to have two people with your mother during and after the surgery. Anything can happen during surgeries (bp going up/down).
    Its good to have trustworthy,genuine and caring people to be around during surgeries, particularly since you have health issues like fainting previously. A friend of mine went for c sec, her bp rose, she suffered an attack, was in icu and gained consciousness only after 3 days.

    Thankfully nothing bad happened and you could control things except for the 1 incident with your friend. How did your ex react when the friend instructed to be in your room. Looks like you care for others emotions and cant spontaneously say no to things that disturb you.
     
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  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Not everyone knows to follow social niceties...not everyone has sensitivity to not hurt others feelings..some people are thick skinned...
    I’ve had bad experiences with friends who were quite insensitive and immature too...
    But I try to see positive side of things like what help they have done for me and what I’ve learnt from this experience,...like for example confiding too much to a college friend proved to be wrong as she gossiped about my personal stuff to others and I heard a few sarcastic remarks from others at a social occasion..
    Is this not social awkwardness, embarrassing a friend in front of others...
    But she did a major help for me during my college days and had supported me during a major problem so I let it go,...no grudges..
    next time I didn’t divulge any more details than necessary and just maintained cordial relation with basic discussions..
    This time in your case, let it go as she helped you out in a difficult situation...
    Next time just explain this stuff to her softly and politely and explain things to her so she can understand what is expected of her..
    Give her a chance..
    If this continues often you have the option of distancing yourself from her..
     
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  3. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    I think your friend is guilty of comparing her situation with yours. I think she is imposing her values and feelings about divorce onto your situation whereas the two situations are not comparable. Maybe she misunderstood the reason behind your ex coming to see you since hers wont and nursed a secret hope that forcing him to sleep in the same bedroom will make you guys reconcile or something.
    But I dont think she is bad as such. She did come and spend the day, which was nice of her. She is unable to think beyond her situation I think. So sit down with her and forcefully explain few things which can and cannot happen in you situation to her so there is no misunderstanding.
    But in the hospital I dont know why you were unable to simply speak up and set the record straight. You could have told the doc/nurses you are separated, and expressed your preference clearly. yes you underwent surgery but it was your foot right? Why were you unable to speak? So i think you were guilty of 'expecting' people to somehow understand what you wanted without your having to say it or specify it. It's nice if people around us can anticipate our needs but when you see it's not going right, they you should speak up. No one is a mind reader. Alternatively since your mom is there, you can anticipate and give her instructions on what to do and how you want things done.
     
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  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    If I were in your place, I would not have informed ex about surgery. He is no longer your husband to share your personal stuff. I agree that you have to maintain a civil relationship with ex for kids. But,your mom was there to help.

    Your friends intention was to help you. So see the positive side . Past can't be re done. For whatever reasons you called ex and he came there to help. You are directing your confusion about ex to the friend who seems equally confused on what to do. You could have said No when your friend didn't follow your instructions.

    So better talk to her and inform her what you want in a respectable way to avoid future conflicts. In this busy world it's tough to find one who is ready to spend this much time for another person. So try to forgive and move on.

    Anyway you cannot reverse the past, accept it, move on and take precautions in future to avoid these kind of situations and use 'No' wherever needed. Wishing you speedy recovery.
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2020
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  5. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Ladies,

    Thank you all for taking time to respond to my post. Jotting down the answers helped me to introspect. It took me the time to reassess my emotions and priorities. I have made peace with the incident and decided to let go of the friendship. I don’t think that friend and I will talk again.

    I definitely need my space to heal and reset my life. At this point in life I don’t want judgmental people to come into my life and overstep my boundaries. I did not reach out to my friend for help but was grateful for my friends help when she offered it. I politely tried to maintain a distance from her when I was uncomfortable with her actions. She brought up our mutual level of comfort and became defensive about what she did on both occasions. What I shared openly did not go well with her. I was not simmering in anger and trying to confront her. She should also learn that laughing at people and overstepping boundaries when they are sharing /going through something difficult is not right. Anyway no hard feelings. She may be looking at my divorce through the pain of her own divorce. Let her heal in her life and I wish her the best.

    My ex did come to know about my surgery since I had requested financial support through my lawyer during the time I was on disability leave. I within my legal rights to do so. My disability pay check is much less than my regular pay check. I wanted to be as independent as possible and my original plan was to hire a home nurse to help during the time I was on disability. It is not unusual for ex to help a ex-partner through health issues because we still are parents to our child. My conscience is clear. Neither did I selfishly use my ex partner nor my friend.

    Many of you are questioning me why I did what I did before surgery and the fainting episode. Well both the times I was more preoccupied about my health issues then in explaining to the world on how the relationship is between my ex. There is only so much brain can process. I value my privacy and independence. I am not obliged to explain to everyone what is going on in my personal life. Anyway my priorities right now are
    clear. Thanks for taking the time
    to respond to this thread. We can close this thread.


    Regards,
    Kavya
     
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  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello Kavya,

    Just wanted to clarify that I didn't mean that you owe or need to or have to give long explanations to medical staff. A simple 'no he's not my husband.' should suffice. Eg., I live in the US, and had just given birth, my h had stepped out when our friend came to see the baby. The new nurse who just came on shift assumed he was my husband just because we are both Indian. A clear and simple 'no he's not.' was enough to set her straight. This kind of mistake and mix-up by medical staff happens very very frequently. Likely it will happen again for you too. It's possible you are a little sensitive about the topic but there's really no need for that is my point. Good luck with your recovery!
     
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  7. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Sandhya,

    My ex husband (actually soon to be ex-husband) is still legally my husband since the divorce is not legally over it.
    It’s not the same as confusing with a friend :)

    The nurse came in and told me “Your husband is here to see you”. By that time IV was plugged into my hand and I was about to be wheeled into surgery. My mind was in no mood to get into unnecessary debates and arguments.

    I was worried about pain level post surgery, managing post surgery at home etc. I had not eaten or drunk any tea/coffee/water for over 12 hours in preparation for surgery. So I don’t even know if my brain was fully functional
    to think of everything. I just remember asking my mom for blessings before being wheeled in for the 2 hour surgery. Anyway thanks for your input.

    Warm regards,
    Kavya


     
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  8. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Hope you recover soon . If you are in bed rest just focus on resting . Don’t worry about this friendship. Once you get back to work you will be busy so use this time to relax.
     
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  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    I just spent the day helping a friend who was having foot surgery. I left my special needs child and my other child while I went to the hospital to be with her. She’s a single mom and her mom was around but I felt like she would need a friend just in case.
    I didn’t go overboard though. Just held her hand when needed, helped her mom keep her mind off of the surgery and came back after getting her home safely. This lady isn’t my closest friend but we are good friends. Both of us are special needs moms who met in a group for special needs moms. This is common courtesy. We do extend it to whoever needs it. I’m sure many others would do it too. That doesn’t mean your friend was right with everything else she did. I do feel she went overboard. That’s just me though. You’ve made your peace with ending the friendship and that’s ok. Hopefully in time, she will realize her divorce and yours aren’t the same.

    Wishing you a speedy and full recovery.
     
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