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Did My Friend Cross Boundaries?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by kavya007, Feb 14, 2020.

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  1. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hello Everyone,

    I would like you input in a situation with a friend. I am a single mom and I recently went through a foot surgery in Jan 2020. One of my friends is also a single mom. She called me the day before my surgery to ask a favor and I told her I have a surgery the next day. Immediately she asked me if I needed any help. Since she offered strongly I asked her if she could come to the hospital to be with my mom during the surgery. I have no other relatives in the US and the rest of my friends could not take off from work. My friend immediately offered to help.

    Now this girl is basically nice but many times I feel she is socially awkward. If you tell her a problem she will sometimes laugh at your face rather than being empathetic. Example: Once she called me up and I told her I had a fainting episode at my office. When the fainting episode happened I chose not to use ambulance services. But my manager did not allow me to go home even with my colleagues and asked me to call my husband to pick me up. I did not want to tell my manager in front of everyone that I am going through divorce and I ended up calling my ex for help. At that point of time I was a little too shocked by the fainting episode. I was not in good terms with my ex but when the fainting episode happened I literally had no option but call him. My ex came to pick me up from office. When I narrated this incident to this girl, she started laughing that I called my ex. I got irritated by her response and I did not call her for quite sometime.

    Months pass by and then this girl called me again just before my surgery. I ended up telling her I have a surgery the next day. On the day of the surgery this girl came and stayed with my mom at the hospital. I had told my ex I did not want him to visit me at the hospital even the day before the surgery. But he did come. Just before I was wheeled for surgery the nurse came and told me your husband wants has come to visit you and I said fine, "Bring him over". I was basically already hooked up to an IV and was going to be wheeled into surgery. I had no interest in explaining to the nurse that he was my ex husband or creating any drama.

    Once I came back from surgery I was groggy since I was put in general anesthesia. When I was wearing off the anesthesia I was not doing well. I vomited multiple times and my BP was dropping down. It was an out patient procedure but my discharge was being delayed since I was not responding well. I was given two options. Either stay at the hospital with a nurse or go home. In order to avoid insurance issues I decided to go home. I remember specifically telling my friend at the hospital not to ask my ex to stay with me overnight. I did not want my ex to be with me when I feel very vulnerable because in the past he had abused me when I was sick. Due to the painful scars I only wanted to stay with my mom and with friends whom I feel secure and comfortable.

    Now when we go back home my friend drove me. My ex also came. He had rented a wheel chair for me to use. I had to be careful not to put any pressure on my foot. I vomited and went to bed as soon as I came home. This friend of mine now takes charge of my house even though my mom is there. She tells my mom where to sleep and then in front of me she tells my ex to sleep with me in my bedroom. I look at my friend shocked because it was exact opposite of my instruction. She tells my ex "even if Kavya gives me the look I still want you to sleep here with her". In the night my ex was snoring to glory. My sleep was totally disturbed. I ended up vomiting again and hurting myself when I used the restroom in the night. Next day thankfully my friend leaves in the morning. I did not like the way she over stepped her boundaries giving total disregard to my feelings. But I just thanked her for her help.

    The days pass. I was healing well under my mom's loving care. I had other supportive friends who had been helping me. I did not stay in touch with this friend or take any help from her. Yesterday this friend calls me up. We converse for a bit. And then she tells me she sometimes feels our conversations don't go well blah blah. Since she opened up I told her sometimes I feel she crosses boundaries and laughs on my face when I share something serious. I narrated the hospital incident and fainting incident. My friend became angry and said why I introduce my ex to everyone as my husband, why I ask help from him etc. Thats not true. This girl does not know what goes on between my ex and me. It is not her business either. My ex offered to help me when I go through surgery although I did not ask for his help. I have push backed on his efforts many times but he tries to get back to me. The reason I push back is because I have not healed from the past physical and emotional abuse. We had a 17 year old marriage and my ex did not want the divorce. I wanted it for my mental sanity.

    Right after the surgery I did take my ex help when he offered it. Reason is I was feeling physically weak and I have a history of fainting. The anesthesiologist at the hospital also warned me to be careful. My ex is physically stronger, so I did take his help to get into wheel chair etc. My foot was heavily bandaged in a splint and if I fainted I could hurt my freshly operated foot very badly.

    I don't need to justify what I do with my ex to my friend especially when I am just fresh out of surgery. I did not like the way my friend questioned me. She was quite pushy about the way she was offering her help and blatantly disregarded my request and over stepped my boundaries. She opened the topic and I was honest with my feelings. She got upset with my response. Our conversation ended in a bitter note and I told her it is best we don't cross each others paths again.

    Ladies was I wrong? Part of me feels bad because yes she did help me. But same time I can't handle her pushy, big sister attitude. She got very deep into spirituality after her bitter divorce. She wants to be a nun etc. I am also deeply spiritual but I feel she gets too preachy. It is more than I can handle. I tried to politely kept my distance. But in the end it ended in a bitter note. I feel this girl needs better social skills. Thoughts?

    Regards,
    Kavya.
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2020
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  2. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Personally, I think your friend is confused about how you draw your boundaries with your ex. From what you have written, even I’m a bit lost. Living in the US, I think that if you are in the hospital, you should have made it clear to your nurse that it was your ex husband and they would have gracefully advocated for your needs. If he is not welcome, they will ensure this, firmly. By acknowledging that he’s your husband, I think your friend doesn’t understand what you required of her, even if you had stated it to her. There are so many gray areas, and your ex can easily make it a socially awkward situation if she doesn’t comply. Hospital staff have heard of many crazy situations, they wouldn’t consider your situation a drama...
     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    She does seem to be nice but socially awkward from your description. However, I wouldn't say the fault was hers in any of the things you listed. Why narrate the incident about calling ex when you fainted. If you didn't know then that she is a bit socially inept, then, now you know. In the future, limit the relationship to a less deeper confiding level. Even if she is a single mom, she might not understand your predicament.

    Where your ex and your mom sleep in your house is for them to decide and implement evenif the friend tries to boss over them. Your single-mom friend spent the day or most of it with you, drove you home, and stayed the night. Your other friends could not take off from work. That help from her stands out and overshadows her gaffes.

    Hope your foot is all better now. Foot surgery can be a pain in the a$$. : )
     
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  4. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for your input. I did not expect my friend to laugh when I narrated the fainting episode. Normally when we narrate something like that people inquire about health. It was then I realized this girl is socially awkward. In the past when we were building our friendship I did share with this friend that I wanted to leave the marriage due to past physical abuse. Now this girl got divorced because her ex left her for another woman. In my opinion she was still healing from the pain of betrayal. When she saw my ex wanting to always get back to me, I felt maybe that is what is influencing her opinion. Our marriage ended due to infidelity and mine due to abuse. They are different situations.

    Yes, it is true that my other friends could not take off for my surgery. But the moment I returned home there were some very close friends who right away called to find out what help my mom needed. Even in the evening after my discharge I kept telling this girl that there are other friends who are in stand by to help me. Fortunately this was an elective surgery so I had time to build a support circle around me.

    I did not feel comfortable with the fact that this friend wanted my ex to be in my bedroom. Don't they respect the wishes of someone who is just coming out of surgery so the person is comfortable ? That is how the rest of my friends are. I kept repeatedly telling her that there are other friends who are ready to help me. Yet she had blatant disregard for my boundaries. I wanted to politely distance myself from her. But when she opened up I also shared my true feelings. Now what should I do. Just let the hurt feelings pass. I still feel this girl needs to know boundaries and not be over bearing. The incident is bothering me.
     
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  5. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    My ex came just before I was being wheeled for surgery. I already had an IV inserted into in my hand. I was worried about how I would manage post surgery. I was just not in a position to explain anything to the nurse. Technically since my divorce is still not legally finalized he is legally my husband. In any case why should what I do or not do with my ex bother my friend. It is a long 17 year old marriage and we have our own history. I clearly spelt out my request to my friend that I don't want my ex to stay overnight and she disregarded it.

    My friend had a very acrimonious divorce with her ex. I had a more amicable divorce with my ex and settled all issues out of court. Well she had a shorter marriage that ended due to infidelity and mine ended due to physical abuse and health issues. There is no need to compare. It is too personal. The question now is that we have had a bitter parting what should I do now? Let the hurt feelings pass and take this as an unfortunate incident.
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    I'd say let the hurt feelings pass. Then, decide if the friendship is worth salvaging. But my opinion might be biased and I might be viewing the situation from the prism of my own experience -- I cut down a decades long close friendship to "hi-how are you" after she (SAHM with kid away in college) was not there when I needed friends the most, didn't even offer for name-sake. And one friend came took a Lyft at prime time (paid $100+ I am sure) and came just because, in her words, "when the doors open and the doctor comes out to say how the surgery went, I don't want you to be alone." Having lived through that, I give highest points to friends who show up at the hospital to be there with the person not going through the surgery (in this case, your mother).

    Maybe she is the kind who like to help just to create drama later. Give it time. Then decide.
     
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...your relationship with ex(still husband ) seems pretty confusing...

    You call him when you faint .
    You let the nurses assume he is your husband and not the guy you are divorcing .

    You physically take his help because he is strong although you say you did not want him at the hospital ....when your mom and friend were around to help you .

    Your friend ' orders' your ex to sleep in your bedroom and you let him sleep in your bedroom even after she has left . Why could you not have asked him to leave the bedroom since you seem to be feeling so outraged by your friends act?

    May be she also saw the contradictions in your behaviour and thought you both were friendier than you are.

    You were vomitting and you seemed to need more help than what just your mom could offer. She was probably just being cautious at a time when you seemed helpless and really sick with vomitting.

    I feel you are being unfair to her.
    She was there for you when others were not ....and if she had some confusion about your state of relationship with your ex...you are partly to blame.

    People will assume what they see and what they are told.

    You told her you called your ex when you fainted.That was unnecessary information you chose to give her and can't fault her for assuming you are on friendly terms with ex when you are not.

    As for her laughing when you told her the fainting incidence ,she was guilty of focussing on the ' calling ex part' rather than fainting ...probably since you were looking hale and hearty when you told her and there was no immediate cause for worry.

    As for the different circumstance of your divorces.... I do not understand how it is related to the incidence.

    I feel you probably lost a good friend you could rely on . It is tough to find really helpful friends and it is worth bearing with the little ackwardness or weakness in them. After all you don't spent 24/7 with them .

    What do you want to do now?
    Do you feel you want to stay friends?
    If yes....I suggest you give it some time till you get your feelings for her sorted out. Then call her out on a girl date and reconnect. Let her know about your state with your ex so she is not confused.
    You could also take a little 'thank you ' gift for being there for you.

    If you do not want to be that close...
    Just thank her for the help and continue the usual hi- byes and wishing on birthday etc.

    If you do not want to be friends...do nothing.
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2020
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  8. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry, read your post in a quick glance ...is your ex and soon to be ex;the same person or 2 different ones?

    On your friend, some people are like that, little socially awkward but they do help when you need them to. Next time when you dont understand her reactions ask her on them nicely or tell her nicely that its a serious note. I am sure she will pick up the clue. She has been offering help that you have been using.

    Dont just assume that she is deliberately being rude. These relationships are pretty complex and easy to mis interpret.

    However, if you think you cant take her anymore, let her go. Dont take her help even if she offers. Find other people whom you are ok with.

    Also comparing each others divorce patterns is moot and unnecessary.
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2020
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  9. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    Different people have different tolerance levels. For me this would be unacceptable. This is a breach of trust. If you cant trust someone, they shouldn't be a part of your inner circle. She not maybe trying to be intentionally malicious, but a wise enemy is better than a foolish friend.
     
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  10. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Two things I infer..

    1) Your friend is trying to play Cupid thinking she is doing good for you.She may not know her boundaries but I don’t think she is a bad person

    2) Your ex could have a soft corner for you as he still helps despite everything.

    What went between you both only you can judge.

    Also,do you still have a soft corner with your ex?I really feel bad when I hear marriages breaking and always wish for people together and we don’t know how abusive he was etc so left it up to you to
    Decide.However, if you strongly can not reconcile with him,then let him go and tell your friend that maybe she is trying to help but it is over between you and him and also thank for for being there.


    With the ex,you can send him a thank you note..
    He came all the way,stayed in your room,rented a wheelchair and helped you..maybe am wrong but that is care.
     
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