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DH very supportive but fed up of MIL, can't take it anymore, plz advice..

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by thegoodlife, Jan 13, 2012.

  1. thegoodlife

    thegoodlife New IL'ite

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    married since 2 years , initially everything was fine, for one year i adjusted with everything i could but when pani sar se upar chad gaya i started answering her back. you know new bahus are not expected to answer back to there saas even if the bahu is right. now after two years we fight all the time, she starts taunting for the mistakes like if even a speck of dirt is found after sweeping or if some day the dough is a bit loose or if the papad remains slightly uncooked on one side or if the potatoes are a bit over cooked. and million othr things i mean come on, these are the mistakes which can happen to any one, infact i seen her doing the same mistakes many times . i try not to do them, but they happens accidentally.my husband is very supportive and understands but because we are in joint family he cant do much to this matter. sometimes he did spoke out for me but my MIL got so angry on him and gave emotional dose of "has a 2 year old relationship become more important to you than a 25 year old relationship? and cant you see your moms pain etc" what do i do?this is my first post in this site, looking forward for some advice..
     
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  2. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry thegoodlife, but these are typical joint family problems. Lucky are people who have nice MILs. All you can do is ignore. Are you working or a housewife? may be it will be better if you take up a job or enrol in some classes so that you can be away from your MIL as much as possible.
     
  3. thegoodlife

    thegoodlife New IL'ite

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    thanks for the reply monita, am housewife, except going to gym from 3 to 4.30 i have to stay with her all day long. at times i dont feel like going back home..
     
  4. ssm014

    ssm014 Platinum IL'ite

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    One thing would be to keep yourslef busy and hence lessen your interaction with her


    why dont your pursue a course or a job (part time/ full time) to keep yourself occupied

    If you are nterested you can take tuitions for neighbour hood kids or voulnter at many NGOs....there is a lot of options .

    wish u all the best
     
  5. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi TGL,

    Sorry to hear about your problems. True, this is the story in a large number of households but we not being statistics, that knowledge is cold comfort.

    You have a few options. I don't know which is the most workable for you.

    Get a full time job and get out of the house. Let her do the cooking if she has problems with yours. As for the sweeping-swabbing, why don't you get a maid to do the needful?

    Try and get your husband to get a separate establishment for you - even if it is rented, so you have your own domain and she her's. Tell your husband you too had a 25 year old relationship with your mom and have given him precedence over her. Let him not get blackmailed by his mother.

    Don't ask your husband to intervene. Deal with your mil directly.
     
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  6. Akils

    Akils New IL'ite

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    Dear thegoodlife,

    I would say ignore her comments. When someone say/do things deliberately, we cannot change them. The aim is to make an issue and pick a fight. The best way is to ignore the comments and defeat the very purpose its meant far. When you get tensed, angry and show it on your face then it makes the other person happy because thats what they want it. Defeat that very purpose, instead be happy, don't mind, you know you have done the best don't bother about gestures and words. She will very soon get tired of her ways because her expected results are not happening.
     
  7. thegoodlife

    thegoodlife New IL'ite

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    dear xiaojie,
    there is this "women doesn't work, they only cook" kind of policy in my home..ignore her, is the only thing i can do. but this doesnt work all the time
     
  8. kylie

    kylie Gold IL'ite

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    dear thegoodlife,

    Keeping in mind yr MIL's behaviour, it wud be foolish to think that things wud improve if u take up a job or ask her to cook. Women who exhibit this behaviour, r usually the ones who hv run their households on their own terms n hv generally been praised by their families for doing such a good job. So when their son gets married and a new woman arrives on the scene, they start feeling insecure that the rest of the family might just start liking the "other woman". Hence, the MIL tries to find fault in everything that the DIL does just to prove that she is better. In such cases, it doesn't matter if it is a love marriage or arranged or whether the DIL is docile or aggressive.

    Just to give an example, when my brother got married [arranged marriage BTW !], my mother wud find it difficult to praise my sister-in-law even if she cooked the best of meals. My father simply loved the food that my SIL prepared. My SIL is extremely good in time management and wud somehow manage to do everything despite being a working woman. My mother would not pick up fights though but wud usually sulk the whole day whenever my SIL was praised. So i had to literally prod my mother to accept the new relationship with love n not be such a "miser" when it came to appreciating someone's efforts. She has improved quite a bit n is now more appreciative of my SIL.

    My advice to you wud be two fold - firstly, u can sit down with yr MIL and hv an honest chat about how u want to hv a good relationship with her and what can be some of the things that can be done to achieve this. You can also try to convince her that u r not a threat or an intruder who wants to ruin the mother-son relationship.

    Secondly, if u feel that this talk has failed or not yeilded any result, then instead of having arguments everyday and letting the relationship go from bad to worse, it wud perhaps be a good decision to move out currently. This wud not only give you and her enough breathing space but at the same time wud give your MIL time to adjust to the new situation. Maybe she wud actually realise her mistake and ask u guys to return to a reformed environment. But by staying on and trying to reform her or asking yr husband to intervene, u wud make matters worse. No husband wants to return home fm office just to be bombarded by his mother or wife telling him of what transpired between them during the day. Ofcourse, it goes without saying that you wud hv to handle this matter with utmost tact and sensitivity when u tell yr husband that u want to move out. After all u r talking about his mother. Just like we feel our mothers r the best, it is unwise to think that men dont feel the same way. U can probably also tell him that u dont mind returning when matters cool down a little bit.

    So best of luck n let us know how best u handled this.

    love
    kylie
     
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  9. thegoodlife

    thegoodlife New IL'ite

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    dear Aklis, i have tried this trick , for two weeks i ignored everything she said i didn't answer back for any of her taunts, but it wasn't very effective, for two weeks things were fine as i kept shut. but aftr 2 weeks it was all the same again.
     
  10. thegoodlife

    thegoodlife New IL'ite

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    hey kylie, i really appreciate your advice and about talking to her about how to make this DIL-MIL relationship work better but am really afraid of talking to her. She will start crying and cursing herself and show his two other sons (who are in collage so stay in home) that "i am the evil and i have no right to guide you to become a better person", she would cry and say" i say for your good only but if yo u don't like i ll not say anything from now". but the next day she ll start the same old routine.. and about separating home, i have two younger BIL and if we get separated .. you know the society thing, people will start talking that there is some problems in home so there might be difficult to marry the two BILs...hope you understand... but as something has to be done,, am going to try the first advice again.. keeping mum and let things go..
     

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