Cope with separation

Hi suma,
U love ur hubby very much but u still u dint understand him i feel . Try to understand him donot have egos to share ur feeling ,dont be dominating urself be free and have relaxed life.
I need to know are u both are working. Think of ur children future. U said that he is not staying with u now , this leads him to a different life so u dont be the reaon for that what ever itis u both try to understand each other

 

You know One good part was you knew what was wrong and you know what is your stand. i.e you love your husband but cant live iwth him under same roof because of the other woman stuff.

But might be for sometime you have to take a break from all your feelings and think from another perspective i.e..is this love because of fear of being alone? or because of being with him for 15 yrs such long time? is it love or is it because you know him so you are comfortable with him?

Whatever you are going through is a very normal thing for any man/woman who is separated for no fault of theirs.

whatever it is..past is past. When you talk to your kids, ensure you dont talk bad about your husband,. At the same time if they ask why is dad not coming or why you both dont talk..say that dad n mom dont live together anymore, but both of them love you very much. you are their priority.

Dont try to pour in the other womans details right away...just let them know in simple words you and your husband are not together anymore. The moment you accept it internally and tell it out openly, it becomes easier to let the pain go quickly.

Also please try to go for a short vacation or so with your kids. just far from your current place and to a place where you have never been to. Also try making some new friends. Join some classes. Talk to new people (who dont know about you/your husband or your marriage etc) dont jump in talk about your divorce to everyone. Just keep it simple and say you are single mom thats all.

Remember dear! no one can undermine you or discourage you except your own self. You knew the reason of separation you knew why your marriage had to break...you knew if you had lived there with him, every day you had to face him and know that he cheated on you and betrayed your trust and left you with no option.

So Stay strong. Be happy that atelast god gave you an option to walk out of the marriage and live by yourself. What if you were not educated or not financially independant ??? things would have been worse . So be happy that atleast you are able to start over again. I wish you the very best and be positive.

 

I find it shocking that this mistress physically abused you. A husband that would allow that to his wife....well don't look back as you walk down the road. I hope you fought back.

According to the statistics here in USA, only 5% of marriages work out when they are from an affair leading to divorce of another woman. I think that young woman has little hope of a good marriage.

I am sorry to hear of all your troubles but one door closes, another opens. Just keep stepping forward and you will get past this mess.

 

Suma it is indeed sad and difficult situation. Your husband has an affair and the lady is ready to marry him and probably he too. That is why he moved out. You love him but there are fights due to his affair. That is understandable. Now in fights one can get ugly and verbally abusive too, one cannot blame oneself for thatall the time because in first place there are reasons for fights. It is kids who are suffering. . It is not right at this juncture, if kids feel he left you because of other woman, they will have hatred for father and also it is important that their father meet them in neutral place and not in front of that woman...

I feel men or women who ruin their marital home due to extra marital affair and leave their kids are selfish people...It is good you are independent financially.

You said the other woman physical hurt you on few occassions , how is that? what did she do?

Try to settle yourself emotionally now, this has gone too long..

 

Suma, at some point you might need to think of counseling to kids from a child psycholgist. You also have to prepare in advance answers to their questions and how they will deal if people outside ask them some questions esp in school or their neighbor friends etc...

 

I dont want to scare you but I remember one of our friend here on IL (DRJP), go through her posts, she was also in the same boat, Also I dont know how your husband would start behaving once he gets married to this lady! and whether this lady would allow your kids to come to her house and whether she would still treat them nicely??

Suma

There is nothing wrong in expecting him to change, but the bottomline here is..DOES he want to change? Does he see anything wrong in what he was doing? without which he wont see any point in changing himself or getting out of all this mess. Might be he too feels when there is a greener pasture waiting for him why go to the old stuff..the same old stuff???
But remember one thing ALWAYS....Whatever he gave you, one day he sure will get it back....That third womans hormones are running high now she wants your husband..so she had him...what if tomorrow some other guy comes along and she wants to have him too:crazyam sure just like the way your husband ditched you..she will ditch him too...you cant trust such people right??? But please..please...do not try to fret over this anymore. Am glad you got to see your husbands true colours when you still have energy left in yourself. So make a new life...Start with one step at a time. please do not look back. Also Tell your kids, your dad is going to marry another lady, thats why we both are not together. Dont say friend..that lady is not a friend of their dad, she is going to marry him right?? so no shame in saying what their dad is doing..but at the same time be calm. Be at peace.As I said in my earlier post...Be happy that god gave you that capability not to run to anyone for help..You can stand on your own feet and make your life ROSY again..As you know this time its all on you..and its all about you...No one to betray your trust or abuse you so good luck to you..and please talk to us whenever you feel like...also let us know how is life going other wise..work, and vacations etc

 

Feeling very sad reading the post, how can another woman wreck a family ? Its true that your hubby is equally to blame for depriving his kids of his love and care and a secure home. Very selfish.
The kids will get a clear idea when they grow older , right now they cannot understand the situation.
Its good that you have a good job and can take care of your kids .
The other woman seems to be unscrupulous and may give him a tough time when he reaches middle age as she is much younger than him.
Good you told him to move out instead of disrupting your own life. Being betrayed by hubby and the girl you know socially is terrible.
At least now you can be tension free and she can keep check on his affairs.
What he did to you he can do again.And so can she.

 

Suma

Let me start by offering Kudos for your decision girl!! thumbsup

This is probably the most difficult aspect of separation. The feelings you are having are quite normal and natural. This is a guy you had dreamed about living with for the rest of your life. Now, he dumped you challenging your ability to make decisions. So, it is natural for one to go through a phase of misgivings, second thoughts etc. I strongly recommend for you to join some of the divorce support groups online. They are very helpful.

Believe me, when you are totally on the other side of this story...you will be glad. Obviously, you tried your best to reconcile and he did not reciprocate. I was in your situation a couple of years ago, and it helped me to realize that the break up was not entirely my fault. No matter how much I tried, it would not have helped. So, my favorite phrase is "it takes two to keep the marriage and little over 1 to break it".

That said, the fact that you are here seeking help, shows that you are an excellent and loving mother. You set an excellent example to your kids. If you have son, you showed up him that cheating is not an acceptable behavior and if you have a daughter you showed her that such nonsense should not be tolerated. You and your self- dignity defies all other stupid rules of society. If you are not happy and if you are miserable, you are the loser not the society!

How to deal with kids? Your kids are at an age that they can understand a lot of it. Be honest with them. Do not try to hide things, discuss certain aspects of it. You do not need to reveal all aspects, but be honest and matter of fact about situations. More importantly always be there to listen to them, be there to support their feelings. Do not undermine their feelings. Do not bad mouth their father, but at the same do not praise him that would counter their feelings.

For e.g., if they ask "why is daddy not calling us?". you can respond by saying " he has a lot of things to deal with now, do you feel like talking to him? If you do, why don't you call his phone see if he answers".

These are the times you will teach them coping skills. Most importantly, do not let them blame themselves. Never ever snap at them indicating/implying that you would not have dealt with this man if they were not in your life.

Again, there are lot helpful sites online that provide excellent coping skills.

Good luck
drjp