Confusion... Need Guidance

adisum · May 4, 2016

Hello Ladies.... It been so long i was away from Indus ladies and literally i missed it so much...
I was into a bad situation... My marriage was about to be fixed and it has been postponed by my father.. The reason is somewhat valid and on the other hand shocking. I dont know about anyone else but i got shocked. My parents discussed everything with my would be in laws , everything was finalized.

Just to remind you all that mine is a love marriage, i have been in relationship from past 6 years now and my would be loves me so much. So, as i was saying everything was almost finalized. One fine day, me and my father were going to priest to ask about the date of marriage . On the way to temple, he said to me I want to go to ATM. I was ok with that. Then he asked me to put the password and check the amount in his account. I did the same. The amount i checked was INR 10,000. I normally told te same to him. He further said, i do not have anything apart from this 10,000 bucks.

I asked what does he mean by this. He said that he cant get me married as per my in laws wish because he dont have money. My in-laws have asked for a simple baraat arrangement and baraat will be of 45-50 people only , they haven't asked fr any sort of gifts. they even said to me that they will buy all the clothes and stuff for me and i don't have to take any from my parents.

My father said that if i have money then we can go ahead with marriage else we should postpone it until i have arrangement for marriage. I was sure that my would be husband will sponsor the marriage and will not ask me anytime in life regarding what all has happened. But, i being a girl with self respect and also considering the simple wishes of my in laws (my would be is their only son and only child) opted to postpone the marriage. Also , my parents would have lost their respect if my would be husband and his family have sponsored us.

I am in so much stress and dilemma now and feeling may be i have taken a wrong decision. Reason being i am earning very less and doing household expenditure as well. Please guide me with your experience ladies .... I am in deep stress and confusion. Is my father right in his place ? Question arises in my mind is what he was doing all the time while i was growing up ? I have studied with scholarships, fee concessions. And have been working since my graduation has finished(since 2011) and taking care of my own expenditures since then. I don't know whether he is doing right as a father or not but i am not getting any fatherly feeling from him as he is not even asking me that how am i managing all my expenditures and savings altogether. guide me please i want to feel positive .......

googleearth · May 5, 2016

I just want to ask why should your parents pay for your wedding?
You were working from 2011 it means you are actively earning for 5 years and still you do not have any savings? Since you said you were taking care of your own expenditure that is only 1 person your father took care of you, your mom, may be your siblings.......how can he have any savings...may be he made less like you too why can't that be his reason.
I don't want to judge you but look at the bigger picture and try to be in his shoes....
Attaching a thought provoking picture for you

googleearth · May 5, 2016

adisum · May 6, 2016

googleearth said: ↑

I just want to ask why should your parents pay for your wedding?
You were working from 2011 it means you are actively earning for 5 years and still you do not have any savings? Since you said you were taking care of your own expenditure that is only 1 person your father took care of you, your mom, may be your siblings.......how can he have any savings...may be he made less like you too why can't that be his reason.
I don't want to judge you but look at the bigger picture and try to be in his shoes....
Attaching a thought provoking picture for you
Click to expand...

Yes I am earning from last 5 years taking care of my own expenditure but i am taking care of household expenditure as well... i thought i do not have to elaborate... but let me do it now... i am taking care of TV recharges, mobile phone , internet recharges of mine, my mom and my dad, taking care of electricity bill from last 3 years.. my elder sister is married from last 3 years and i am the one who is taking care of all the gifts that is needed to be given to my sister and her in laws, and for your info... i was earning only 9000 till December 2015. now i have reached an amount of 13000... Do you really think that i can expense for all the above mentioned stuff and save as well ? But still i am trying to manage somehow.

I am not here to scold my parents .. i know they let me study that is why i am able to earn today... the point here is how should i manage these both ( expense and savings)

And yes i do have savings... after all this expenditure i have INR 75,000 in my bank... bought a gold ring and pendant worth 12000 and thats it.. Do u think this much amount is enough for getting married ? Even if its a simple marriage.. but i need some stuff for myself.. this amount will become half in my own expense only... should i cut down on my expense ? I asked for a solution .. the quote you have posted is good to listen to, i have tried to be in my father's shoes numerous times.. but i have got only negativity... i dont have money for this not for that... not for you not fr your brother not for mother... He has not given even 10rs to my mom since past 6-7 years, but giving money to the outsiders (udhaar)... try to be in my shoes once...

shobhamma · May 6, 2016

Simplify things. Go for court marriage which is the only legal one anyway and have a small reception later.
As for getting things for yourself, get only minimum- essential- you have whole life to get whatever else later.
You are so lucky that your inlaws do not want anything and you have a supportive fiance. You have done so much for family that is inself a big blessing. I dont think it was easy for your father to ask you for money.

So extreme situation need extreme measures. Go for court marriage.

sumalynux · May 6, 2016

Dear @adisum

I can totally understand your problem dear

People have tendency that

Always mil is wrong and evil
Always husband is wrong , wife is innocent
Parents do so much, kids never realize the efforts..

Me being a new mother i understand how much we go out of way to give comfort to our kids... having said that

I have personally seen parents delaying marriage of their son and daughter so they can get all their earning as after marriage they cant get it....

I have seen parents behave the way you said, i think its because of below reasons

1. They have money and want to save for their retired lifee

2. They really dont have money.

3. They might be in attitude, she is earning let her save and get married, also since its love marriage they might be showing carefree attitude that neeways guy will marry you coz of love..

So coming to your case i suggest

Sit down with you wud be, and tell him your parents are running short of money after marrying elder sis and for studies for you and siblings(dont give up parents it will back fire later)...

So sit and plan and get an estimate of approx marriage expense... Based on amount then you ask wud be to suggest what to do,(take loan and marry, wait for couple of years save and marry) also talk t your father and ask at most how much can they share marriage expense.. Based on all this you can decide

Dont feel bad dear, more you think negative about your father more its going to make it bitter, and regarding your plans for buying dresses, sarees, jewels and stuff.. If you had planned 2 buy 1 for now..

Chill dear, you are young dont get too disappointed and spoil your mood.. your salary might be less today it will increase and you can clear all marriage loans and buy things you wanted to.

All the best

meerasrini · May 6, 2016

Hey @adisum dear OMG!! Never thought you will be in sucha painful situation dear! Extremely sorry to hear that. I also feel same like Suma! Your dad might want to save for his retired life. Since its love marriage, that feeling might be even more dear. You are selfless person who spends for your family without thinking about your life. Hats off to you dear! See if you can take some loan and get married dear! You and your fiance can share expenses and get married dear! Not sure about situation at your end. Just trying to give my views.

If you both can go for register marriage, you can opt for that now dear. In a month or two you can host a grand reception if you all are ok for it. My prayers and best wishes for great life dear You have got a wonderful better half! That is more important than anything else. Don't worry dear! Stay positive. For your good heart, everything good will come your way! Dont feel depressed dear! Just that time should come for good things to happen! It will definitely happen very soon. Don't think about why your father is not spending for you. You really cant change anything in that. Just see what you can do dear! Everything will be fine very soon sweet heart! my best wishes and prayers dear . Hugs and loads of love to you dear!

Amica · May 7, 2016

Your parents can't/won't pay for your wedding at this time. It doesn't matter why. The bottom line is financing your wedding is up to you.

Your fiancé and his family seem to be very understanding. Talk things over with him, and both of you together decide what to do.

Personally, I don't think you should postpone your wedding. There is no guarantee that your father will pay in the future either. Why put your life on hold?

Also, I don't think it's a good idea to borrow money for a wedding. Your guests will soon forget the khatirdari (or lack thereof), but you and DH would have to carry the burden of repaying the loan and interest well into the future.

Have a small ceremony and get on with your life. Your future is waiting, don't waste time.

Good luck, @adisum!

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Justanotherwife · May 7, 2016

OMG! @adisum I was wondering where you had gone, haven't seen you in so many days. Thanks for sharing your concern with us. I see you have already got so many wonderful suggestions. I too would recommend to go with register marriage considering the situation you are in. Only other point I wanted to ask was, are you sure your father is OK with this match ? Is he trying to tell you this way that he doesn't like it. Maybe you can ask him right away once, just to clear it up. If he is OK with the match, maybe he really doesn't have anything else or he maybe saving for retirement. Either way, thank him for all that he did for you so far, he deserves that and I know you will extend. Waiting for an update sharing your Wedding date

kcb · May 9, 2016

Dear OP, as you mentioned in your post your would be seems to be a good person, so discuss with him openly about your & father's financial situation, take his advice. its good to be open with him& you both discuss and find a solution which is good for everyone.