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Confused with husbands online affaire,phone calls and lies.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MitraMyFriend, Sep 12, 2009.

  1. MitraMyFriend

    MitraMyFriend New IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I have been the silent reader of IL. Now I am in bad situation, I need here your valuable suggestions.
    Here goes my story its a 5th year of my marriage,it was an arranged marriage.
    My husband is good son,good brother,good person but not a good husband as in my case.

    After 2 years of our marriage i foud out that he uses to have online
    (cyber sex) chating n i confronted him,first he denied everything later when i showed him his emails he instantly deleted those
    n said he did nothing its spam. Two days later i found more through his other email ids n messengers. Then he confessed n said
    He started chating online when he was alon Us first time n he continuied even when im cooking,sleeping n whenever
    he is left alon with laptop(i had all his passwords but i never had any suspision on him).When i asked him y he did this to me then he said its virtual its not physical n he also said he is not interested in me becos
    im not working(I was on H4 n dint work befor marriage so i was a house wife but now i have got work visa still cant get a job
    bcos of ttc and all these tension i lost interest in everything).
    Later on i found out that he used to call them when he was at office n sent them gifts.
    When i confronted he said he'll not do this again n wont keep any contacts with them n then i forgave him after a weeks fight.
    Ater that again i found out that he is sending them emails n keeping contacts with those girls n agin fought with him n he promised
    me that he will stop it n never do that again n then we started again as normal for 3 months n at that time i had to got to india again.

    n went n he came to india after a month n we went for IVF n i got pregnant n stayed there in india n he left to US n when i was 4 months prg i had to go for
    abortion bcos of some problem with feotus and at the same time he had some broblems with with his n resigned job and had some tensions between us becos of
    his job tension and other things.Then he joined other company in US n agian i joined him after 6 months n one day his eamil was open n he was sleeping n i seen couple of emails from
    a girl in that she has wriiten that how much she loves him n wants marry him and telling him to convince his mother for their marriage and to have a court
    marriage n some intimate things abt how she feels when he calls her at night and express his love to her and kiss her on phone and she cant live without him
    and she cant wait for their marriage n first night n all those things n my husband also sent eamils saying miss u love u n all other things and he aslo sent
    her some gifts to my shock and all these things were said when we were already married for 5 months but i got to abt these things now after 4 yrs of marriage and when i askd him about this he said he was just fooling around n flirting n ahvein cyber ..x chat n nothing serious but time pass and when i asked him if its timepass y she was asking abt marriage n the he said she wanted to marry him but he was not interested and lied to her that he was unmarried the he conviced me that nothing serious was there and now they are not in contact any more but when i searched his other emails n found out that even now they are in contact but nothing like befor but it was normal.
    I just felt even now something is there and i sent her a message from yahoo messenger n said Im Shyeya n im his frnds wife and i said hi,how r u?
    Then she sent him an email to his office and asked ur wife had sent me an eamil what should i do and i guess my told her to not to reply me and next day when he came for lunch and had a got a sms saying that call me need to talk time was 12 midnight in india,when i asked my husband whos this he said its his India's office frnd n asked him its not time to call it midnight in India.
    Next day i tried that number and that was that girls number and i called my husband an asked he said she was worried if we had fight and she just messaged to ask abt how we r doing and i told my husband to eamil her that not to call him or messege him anymore n he doent want to have any contacts with her then he said ok i'll and next day he sent her an email n forwared to me and he even said that she is married and she is pregnant now and i beleived him said ok and i was very happy.
    and that day he came home n again he office email id was open i just cheched it it that she angry with him said "WIFE WANTS TO BREAK OUR RELATIONSHIP"
    n to that he replyied he wont leave her what ever hapens and its just my wife she is vey bad and nasty and he told her he will send her a bad eamil and forwarded that to me and he called her n spoke to her and he consoled her and got angry n woke him up n asked he immidiately deleted that email n said i dint send any n i dint speak to her and when i threatend to him that i would call his mother then he said do it if u have guts n i was very agry n called her and told her.
    He dint want speak to his mother and after that he broke my mangalsutra n went out at 3 AM.
    And he came back after half an hour and started to pack my bag n booked a tickect for me to India,when i said dont do like this i wont go and again i called my mother in law and he spoke to her she said dont send her its not good and dont spoil ur life and he said ok to her but after that he said y u told my mother all these thing iwont forgive u and its only time pass and now he doesnt want to stay with me,he wants a divorce and abusses me n he started to scold
    my parents with filthy words and said tumhare baap ne dhokha diya hain and ur not working not earning and even u dont want to have babis and other things like he
    is not attracted towords me, im not sexy.(I am good looking as i feel n others say im realy good looking and ur husband is very lucky)
    Some how i begged him that i dont want to go and i wont ask him anything and not going check his emails and again i called mil she spoke with him n said him dont send her and be good with her then he said ok but i feel he is not happy with me and even he said to me on that day that if i divorce him he woukd be very happy and marry
    some one with his liking.

    Today he was normal n me to and he promised he wont talk to taht girl again in his life.
    But now i feel did i do the corrct thing staying with him or should have gone to my parents.
    I feel very ashmed i begged him to let me stay with him.
    Now i need ur suggestions what should i do now,sholud walk out or win him again my unconditional loveand getting a job and
    ttc get pregnant as soon as possible.

    I am realy confused,depresses,angry and unhappy.
    Dont know what to do.

    PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE:drowning.

    SOrry for long post and if i used any inappropriate words then pls forgive me:bonk.
     
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  2. scarlet27

    scarlet27 New IL'ite

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    This is all nasty, how did you even put up with all this for 5 years. Truly appreciate your patience.
    I am hoping that you working now and are more confident in managing your life better. You absolutely NEED to a final talk with your H and aim for a closure. Depending on how he responds please be prepared to move out out of the marriage.
    He has been having an affair for so long now, would you really believe that he will stop anytime soon. Till then at least please don't plan for a baby.
     
  3. kinjal

    kinjal Bronze IL'ite

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    If he cannot change his behavior even after confronting so many times then I guess either he has this habit of cheating people and he don’t want to change it or he's really interested in that woman.
    If I were you I would have talked to him and explain him that..
    1. I DO NOT like his behavior and he's cheating on me
    2. I want this relationship to work and I want sincere efforts from him as well.
    3. I would wait for some time and if he continues to behave same way then I would think of separation and life WITHOUT him....
    You will have to stand up for yourself...nobody can help you unless you help yourself...

    Try to find a job and be financially independent this will give you more confidence to stand up for yourself..

    This is JMO...Other ILites will give you much better advice...

    good luck..
    kinjal
     
  4. mlk2009

    mlk2009 Bronze IL'ite

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    I am really sorry for your plight, But to be very very frank with you ... Your husband should have had such himalayan guts and gall to have actually given you all the passwords and still have intimate relations with this woman. This just goes to show how minuscule importance you have in his life. And how you are just reduced to a non-existent being. I am just shocked.

    Please think a 1000 times before submitting to this sort of person who would abuse and divorce you for some internet fling. Do you not deserve more love and respect than this ? Please ask yourself.

    If you are wanting sympathy, u will surely have all our sympathy... but if you want suggestions, Pleas get a job, gather your courage and give him an ultimatum. If he continues with this dirty liaison, just walk out and live alone or with parents for sometime. These meaningless relationships will die a natural death if given time. This is not love ... pure lust and animal instincts.

    All the best. Be brave. Marriage is not the be all and end all of life.
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. rosenav

    rosenav Silver IL'ite

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    Next time if he even try's to threaten you or pack your bags instead of calling your MIL ....
    call 911, they will pack his bags to India and then it will automatically put a stop to his random Flings ....

    He is taking you for granted and every time he says sorry you will run behind him... if you have put your footdown when he had did this first time only ... I'm sure he would not have behaved this way...

    Its not too late the ball is in your court.
     
  6. tuliplady

    tuliplady Gold IL'ite

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    Hi!
    I am quite shocked reading the contents of your post:hide: You are quite strong willed to tolerate this behavior for so long!
    Please realize that marriage thrives on mutual trust. You have a problem trusting him and he has a problem with being committed. He is giving up on a real relationship for a virtual relationship, which is not okay. You dont even know whether it is all virtualor whether he actually meets women off the net:hide:

    Sort out your relationship with him first before you ttc. What sort of an environment will you bring up the child in?? I am surprised that you are even willing to have his child when he is not committed to you and is abusive towards you and threatening to divorce. Please be careful in the decisions you make. First, find a job and dedicate all your energy towards that, build your confidence and take it from there.
     
  7. swati_gan

    swati_gan Senior IL'ite

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    This is insane. I dont understand how come you are putting up with this. How many times do you plan to excuse him for this. This is the problem with us women and the society. Once we are married, we think that is the end of our world and come what may we have to put up with such nonsense. I dont want to hurt you, but girl, move on. You have your whole life ahead of you. I know its none of my business, but first work on your relationship (if you really want to) and then think of a baby. It will be all the more difficult for you to manage alone with a baby.

    Sometimes, it better to use your mind than your heart.

    Our support is always there for you dear.
     
  8. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    First of all, whatever you do, PLEASE do not bring a child into this unfortunate mess. S/he deserves better.

    Second of all, your husband is a classic abusive personality. He is playing with your head AND your heart and you are buying into all of his lies and games. If this affair has continued for FIVE YEARS, then what does that tell you? That he is quite serious about the other woman? If he REALLY cared about you and his marriage, then he'd have cut her out of his life by now and focused on you and helped you get a job, carry a pregnancy to term etc. He really does not care tuppence for you and it's time for you to wake up and smell the coffee. No matter how much you try, your husband should also cooperate with you to make your marriage work. It takes two to tango, my dear, and I do not see or read anything in your post that indicates to me that your husband values you or your relationship as much as you do him and yours.

    Time to sit down and have THE talk. In fact, it might not be a bad idea to try a temporary separation at all right away. That might either bring him to his senses and make him realize the folly of his ways OR it might motivate him to opt out and end your marriage. Neither of this is really a bad outcome. If your marriage does end, then at least you won't have a child to worry about AND since you are fairly young, attractive and come across as a smart and intelligent lady, you can get your life back on track, move on and start afresh. So, take him up on his offer, get a ticket back to your home town and start a trial separation.

    But, whatever you do, DO NOT TRY TO CONCEIVE UNTIL YOUR MARITAL PROBLEMS HAVE BEEN SOLVED. IT IS VERY, VERY, VERY UNFAIR OF THE TWO OF YOU TO BRING AN INNOCENT CHILD INTO SUCH A NOXIOUS SITUATION.

    Good luck and stay strong.
     
  9. priti8683

    priti8683 Senior IL'ite

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    Hey dnt plan for a kid......wait for some time...and try to get a job...... i know its not easy to get a job but u can postpone ttc...I know 5years time is little late but not late.........first of all u guys dnt have a good relationship so try to improve that otherwise walkout from that relation if u really hurt or ur dh doesnt change his behaviour....... wait for sometime so that u can observe ur dh's behaviour.......


    Dnt plan for kids
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2009
  10. mlk2009

    mlk2009 Bronze IL'ite

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    U should try to find out if your husband actually has had physical relations with this lady in real life. if thats the case just file for divorce and move on. he is incapable of change.
     
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