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Confused. Should I Live With In-laws Or Not?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Reshma13, Aug 14, 2017.

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  1. Aug 16, 2017 #41
    Reshma13

    Reshma13 Bronze IL'ite

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    Exactly this is what i feel. They only have expectation from DILs but when it's their turn they don't want to do anything.
     
    Reshma13, Aug 16, 2017
    Reshma13, Aug 16, 2017
    #41
    curiousgals78 likes this.
  2. Aug 16, 2017 #42
    SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Suggest you move and DH move out to a house near by.
    Honestly OP I think you have made the decision but just dont know how to go about it. Talk to your DH and explain it will be the better decision in the long run.
    Plan soon and move out at the right time. The longer you take , the more you are going to be finding faults and flaws in your ILs. And then things might get to the point of being irreversible.
     
    SunPa, Aug 16, 2017
    SunPa, Aug 16, 2017
    #42
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  3. Aug 16, 2017 #43
    Reshma13

    Reshma13 Bronze IL'ite

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    Oh..that's sad.. I hope they are happy now.
     
    Reshma13, Aug 16, 2017
    Reshma13, Aug 16, 2017
    #43
  4. Aug 16, 2017 #44
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes, this happens. When another person is in need of care and attention, some people act up and create drama. This is more common with older people. No logic to it. No point in highlighting it. Often, family members won't see the silliness of it.

    He did mention the idea to your husband. That deserved more discussion rather than you both deciding that it will not look good to live separately right away. See Reshma, you are mixing up things. Having a love marriage but sticking to other traditional things. Paying attention to your grandma's teachings but not to FIL's thoughts. Once you have decided to live as joint family, then, your husband coming to your house and staying there and taking care of an injured you, is odd. That is how it is. Joint-family is traditional, guy going and staying in woman's house and taking care of her is modern. Mix them, and confusion happens. Maybe that's why your in-laws behavior changed.

    From your MIL's point of view, son went and stayed in his in-laws' house for days to take care of wife. Now, he is back, and no wife to ask him for breakfast/dinner. Traditionally asking husband for breakfast/dinner is the wife's job after marriage. You are absent so she has to do the asking. You see why she could resent the whole thing of son going to his in-laws' house, and now she has to ask for breakfast/dinner? If you don't see why, it cannot be explained. These are part of the package of values, practices that your grandma has in mind.

    You guys had the option of living separately after marriage. Bonding, and enjoying early married years with privacy. Husband taking care of you when you are injured would further such bond. Parents or in-laws would come over to help a little but you guys would be in your house leading independent lives like adults. Down the line after 10-20 years, as your and his parents age, some living together or next-door could happen. Your FIL wouldn't have to tell son that his wife is unable to take care of DIL. Your care would naturally be your husband's responsibility if you are living in a separate house.
     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2017
    Rihana, Aug 16, 2017
    Rihana, Aug 16, 2017
    #44
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  5. Aug 17, 2017 #45
    Reshma13

    Reshma13 Bronze IL'ite

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    @Rihana I did get your point now.. you seem to be a counsellor . Thank you for taking the time to write all that.
     
    Reshma13, Aug 17, 2017
    Reshma13, Aug 17, 2017
    #45
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  6. Aug 17, 2017 #46
    Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    finally, your problem is simple. stay seperately.
    enjoy life dear with husband.
    i too had ideal bahu qualities like you and suffering today
    y.
     
    Sunshine04, Aug 17, 2017
    Sunshine04, Aug 17, 2017
    #46
    Reshma13 likes this.
  7. Aug 18, 2017 #47
    Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    OP
    Point 1 - What you experienced after your injury does happens . My mom was staying with her ILs ( my paternal place) after marriage. Dad used to be away ( he was in a transferable job and couldn't take mom with him just as yet ). Mom got Typhoid and my Daadi told her to go to her parents' to get good care. And you know what, my Naani and Daadi were childhood friends. So if such close friends can change after a change in relations , I think it is possible anywhere in any marriage.
    point 2 - why your MIL threw that health scare tantrum ? Just to draw attention to herself ( probably her son's) and away from yours.Also, to clearly show that she is unwell too and don't expect her to take care of you.
    Point 3 - why they behaved strangely with their own son ? Because they were resenting his decision to spend a couple of days at your parents' to take care of you. Parents of boys can be and are possessive. Their behavior was a way to taunt him that go and stay with your wife . Why have you come back since clearly your heart is elsewhere ? They were being immaturely possessive .
    Point 4 - all being said and done,I liked the advise given above by someone that try for a transfer in another city. You wanted to stay together for the sake of your values. You did this and it's clearly not working anymore. Sometimes distance is important to maintain a healthy relationship. I am saying take a transfer , because that would be a tactful thing. Their feelings won't get hurt. Atleast take build a good life with your husband. And make a move before it's too late . Don't put your husband in a position where he has to choose between you and them. He clearly is in love with you.If something happens , and he puts up a fight for you , his relationship with his parents will get soured. Move out now with dignity. Tell them that you always wanted to stay together but not possible anymore coz of job.Period.
     
    Deborah, Aug 18, 2017
    Deborah, Aug 18, 2017
    #47
    Reshma13 likes this.
  8. Aug 18, 2017 #48
    Reshma13

    Reshma13 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks @Deborah for your advice. I too feel transfer is best option to keep the relationship healthy or atleast to maintain it at whatever state it is now.
     
    Reshma13, Aug 18, 2017
    Reshma13, Aug 18, 2017
    #48
  9. Oct 14, 2017 #49
    zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Silver IL'ite

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    Live in a separate house with your husband and enjoy your first few years of married life, since your ILs have no problem with it. I guess even ILs like to be alone, thats y they asked you to go separate.

    Once they want you guys nearby when they are too old to take care of themselves, bring them to your home and do the help. That way you can avoid too many of ILs drama during the early days of marriage.
     
    zeppelingirl, Oct 14, 2017
    zeppelingirl, Oct 14, 2017
    #49
  10. Nov 23, 2017 #50
    September2015

    September2015 Bronze IL'ite

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    Do you really doubt? Live separately! They told you so for a reason, now you know! They like to be doted upon but the day you need care you are out on your butt. Wow, get out as fast as you can. Your MIL is trying to control how your husband cares about you....she should be proud...not jealous. Foolishness.
     
    September2015, Nov 23, 2017
    September2015, Nov 23, 2017
    #50
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